In high school, I asked a guy out. He turned me down, and I followed that up by asking if he'd lie and tell me that he had a girlfriend, or that he was gay, to help me feel better. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he dodged making a comment either way, and the conversation ended not long afterwards.
At the time, I remember thinking, "Geez, he could have at least lied to make me feel better". I don't even know what it would have achieved, since I knew it was a lie. I was pretty confident he didn't have a girlfriend, as in high school, you pretty much only know the other students in your classes, and we were friends, so I feel like I would have known about a girlfriend from somewhere else. He might have been gay, but he did have a girlfriend previously, so I didn't think he was at the time (but it's still possible).
In hindsight, I realised it wasn't on him to make me feel better, and it was really unfair of me to ask him to lie to make me feel better. It was also really ridiculous to ask him to say he's gay as an explanation for why he's not interested in me. He's allowed to just not be interested in me!
I've read a few reddit posts about double standards that men have to live with, and in honour of International Men's Day today, I thought I'd confess some of the toxic behaviours I've displayed in the past, and try to be better. Especially because I work in a heavily male-dominated industry, and I don't want to perpetuate these things.
During my first year of uni, I reconnected with a primary school friend. We started talking about what's changed since we last saw each other, and he said to me that he really wanted to meet someone and start a family. I laughed at him and accused him of using that as a line to get girls. What the Fodder?! Thinking back on it now, it was a terrible thing to do. Why aren't men allowed to want to settle down with someone and start a family? It's not something limited to women, and thinking like that perpetuates the idea that women "trap" men with marriage and / or kids.
(Before posting this, I actually reached out to him and apologised. I won't post his reply here as I don't have his permission and I didn't want to ask in case he thought I was just apologising for the sake of a blog post. He did say that he has grown to expect that reaction from people, and he just accepts it now, which made me feel a bit sad.)
Another thing, which I've mentioned previously, but I think is worth repeating, is my aggressive response to men offering to hold doors open for me, or carry things for me. Especially since I didn't have a problem if it was a woman doing it. I feel glad that I have a friend who was willing to call me out on it, though I was reluctant to accept I was wrong for a while. I believe I've changed for the better in that respect, and I understand that someone offering to do those things (regardless of gender) is just trying to be kind. It's not a reflection of their opinion of my strength.
Despite all my jokes about it, I don't think my stalking ever got to the Overly Attached Girlfriend levels, though I probably toed the line at some points. I am trying to be more conscious of the fact that people (again, regardless of gender) don't generally like being analysed in close detail. It's fun to play detective, but it's only good if everyone consents to the game. I'm very fortunate not to have been labelled "creepy" by the people who know me, and I'm sure that's because of my gender.
I'm sure there are other things that I've done, or am doing, that display an unfair double standard. If you know of anything, feel free to leave a comment or contact me in a different way.
Happy International Men's Day.
