Weighing Up

Olek's post
GP's post

"Have you lost weight?"

I think because I've been working so much and feeling really tired, people have been asking me that a lot lately. I feel awkward whenever I get asked that. I never really know what to say as I don't weigh myself unless mum is making me, and so most of the time I never really know how much I weigh. Although while I was playing WiiFit, I got to see how my weight changed over the month or so that I was playing. Unfortunately, nobody asked me if I had lost weight during that time. :( The problem I have with that question though, is the implication that I'm trying to lose weight which for me carries another implication that I should lose weight. According to those BMI chart things, I'm a healthy weight for my height (although I don't think that means I'm healthy considering the things that I eat >_>). The last time I checked, the weight graph on my WiiFit profile went up and down, so I can safely say that I've lost weight at some point in my life, but I assume the question is referring to a comparison between now and when they last saw me. Should I start weighing myself everytime I go out with friends so that I can answer truthfully?

"Have you lost weight?"

"Why yes! Since we last saw each other, I have lost 0.208kg! As we last saw each other seven days ago, that would mean I've lost nearly 30g for each day I didn't see you!"

I always reply that I haven't lost any weight anyway, as I'm afraid the person asking the question is going to ask for dieting tips, and want to discuss weight-related topics, which I would really be out of my league in.

I also don't like the idea of people thinking I'm on a diet when I'm not. A couple of times I've ordered something without cheese or mayonnaise only to overhear someone mentioning how sad it is these days that girls don't eat properly because they don't want to get fat, and that they should just do more exercise, etc, etc. While what they're saying is true, I hate the fact that they automatically assume that because I don't want cheese/mayo that I'm on a diet. Sometimes I get the urge to tell them that it's because of an allergy, but then I realise they'll realise that I was eavesdropping and I'll look creepy.

I probably wouldn't like people thinking I'm on a diet even if I was on a diet, because I hate the feeling that people are judging me because of my weight. It took a while for me to feel comfortable about the way I am, though most of that was attributed to a joke I once heard (copied this from http://allfaith.com/Humor/afterlife.html).

The couple had reached age 85 and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they both were in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts to free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure?"

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here 10 or more years ago!"

Anyway, just to satisfy curiosity, I put WiiFit in and weighed myself again, and apparently I have lost weight. Although the last time I played was 358 days ago, so I can't really say whether it changed recently. I should really play more often as my posture really improved while I was playing it, and since I spend so many hours at work standing up, I should work on my posture.

I was just thinking about that expression, "worth his weight in salt", which I thought meant you were worth the worth of the amount of salt equivalent to your weight (confused?) but that's not actually what the expression means. According to Kingdom Stuff, it refers to how slaves were paid for with salt, and so a slave worth his weight in salt was worth the weight of the amount of salt used to pay for him, not his own weight. I was about to say that would mean it would be good to be a fat slave, because that would mean that you were worth a lot, but I guess slave weight isn't used to determine how much salt a slave is worth. I swear there are advantages to being fat!

(E) The Solution

Now for the second, emo part. You've been warned! (It's a pretty long a boring post, so I don't hold it against you if you don't want to read it.)

Some people may recall the family drama that happened a while ago. I ended up going back home because mum was really upset. I'm still not entirely sure why, but she seems to not want me to move out until I'm married and she only wants me to move out when I move out with MrMan5.5. She's my mum and I want to make her happy, but I really don't think that's possible anymore.

So on the night of Tracy's going away party, my sister decides she's going to take a knife and cut her arm multiple times. I don't think I got much sleep at all that week as I kept hearing the sound of her cutting herself over and over in my head. If things are getting to that point, you'd have to suppose that it's pretty serious. Since she has been angry at me for so long, I thought I'd try to ease things up a bit, and so I wrote her a letter saying that I'd try not to do a few of the things she has complained about (though mum as we're not talking to each other) in the past. I told her I'd stop cooking things at night because I make too much noise. I'd stop taking a shower when I got home from work, despite how dirty I felt. I'd stop inviting MrMan5.5 over to our house. I offered her my WoW stuff as my cousin mentioned he wanted her to play with him.

She never mentioned the cutting or the letter, and I wasn't even sure if she even read it as she had left it lying on the floor where I put it for ages, and then one day it was gone, so I figured she threw it out. Still, I stuck to what I said for a while, and then Christmas happened. Personally, I enjoy Christmas shopping, as I like buying presents for people, even if it means trawling stores all over the place looking for that one thing. I spent hours thinking about what I was going to buy people. I ended up buying Anjelica a PoGo as I thought it would be a fun present and she could make a scrapbook with photos she took with her phone, or print stickers for her and her friends.

Apparently, it "didn't work" with her phone (and I doubt she even tried with her laptop, although I tried with QC's and it worked fine, and it also worked off my phone and MrMan5.5's. It just required a few seconds to set up, god forbid something doesn't work right out of the box!) and so dad harassed me for ages to return it. Obviously, it had been opened already, and so I couldn't return it, so after a while, I said I'd keep it for myself and buy her something else. Since she likes tennis, I decided to buy her 4 tickets to the Australian Open, thinking that she could take mum, dad and Amanda or her friends. A couple of days before the tennis, I find out she sold the tickets. Mum has been trying to find out how much I paid for them (I'm guessing to see if Anjelica got ripped off or not), and I'm refusing to tell her because it pisses me off. Want to know what she got me for Christmas? Perfume and a carry bag. I have a sinking suspicion that it's one of the things you get with those "Spend $150 and get this for FREE!" deals, and anyone who has been with me for more than a minute will know that I sneeze like crazy and perfume tends to make that worse. At the moment, it's sitting on top of my bookshelf as I thought, even if I'm not going to use it, it's a present from my sister, and so I should keep it. Even after I found out she sold the tickets, I didn't list it on eBay (though now that I'm typing this post, I'm tempted to break the bottle in front of her room so it stinks like crazy. Since she picked it, I'm guessing she likes how it smells, so we'll see how much she likes it after a week. Lucky for her I'm at MrMan5.5's house right now).

Speaking of breaking things, she once broke a glass in our kitchen and left it there, waiting for my parents to come home. I didn't know, and I walked into the kitchen barefoot. She didn't say anything to warn me about the glass, although I know she knew I was there because she turned to look when I entered the room.

So lately, I've been feeling like she really doesn't care about me at all. Even though I stopped doing those things in that letter, she didn't change her habits at all. The stupid thing is, I didn't want to bring her up on it because I didn't want to cause another wrist-cutting episode. It's really frustrating. If I upset her, and she kills herself, I don't know what I'd do. On the other hand, if I change everything about myself to suit her it's like saying that kind of behaviour is acceptable. The reason why I was living that sleep/work/game/sleep lifestyle was because I wanted to avoid as much contact with the rest of my family as possible since it seemed like I was inconveniencing everyone. Work made it easier to sleep while everyone was awake and be awake when everyone was asleep, but it was really miserable.

Recently, I started poker training and I've been pretty stressed as I'm worried about passing my final test. I top all of the quizzes at work, but that just shows that I have all of the theoretical knowledge and none of the practical ability. Possibly due to the fact that I'm one of the few students in my training group and am accustomed to cramming for exams (Ps get degrees!). I asked mum if I could have a poker night to practice and I know she doesn't like people over at our house because it's messy, but I said that I'd clean it up. Alex even let me use the poker table that he built, so everything was all set. While I was cleaning, I hear this screaming match between Anjelica and mum. Anjelica wanted to have her friends over at our house recently, and mum said no, and so she thought it was unfair that my friends were able to come. So to cut a long story short, poker got cancelled (temporarily, as Julian ended up letting us go to his place instead).

What got me the most was the fact that when she was stressed with VCE exams, we tried to be considerate, but when I have a test that I'm really stressed about, all bets are off because it's me and not her. When I had exams, instead of bitching about the people in my family being noisy, I went to the library to study instead. When I was studying for my VCE biology exam, we were getting our house painted so I couldn't even study anywhere in our house because our furniture was all stacked up in the middle of the room to let the painters do the walls. I went to the library to study instead. When we only had one computer shared between the four of us, I went to the library to study instead. Show some initiative.

So tonight, MrMan5.5 came to pick me up, but he wasn't feeling well when he got to my house, so I figured he could lie down on my bed for a bit. Considering how little she seems to care about my welfare lately, I decided I'd had enough. I didn't care about the letter, regardless of whether she read it or not. As I left to get some ice-cream from the supermarket, I find on a note outside my bedroom door, "YOU ARE A FKN LIAR"(sic, I guess she's going to QQ over my stealing her vowels as well). So I guess she read it after all. At first, I was hit with guilt, as I did go back on my word. Then I just felt angrier and angrier. She treats me like crap and she still expects me to be nice to her.

Still, I imagine she feels like the victim in all of this, and I admit that I was in the wrong as I did say I wouldn't invite MrMan5.5 over and I did. I don't think a second wrist-cutting/emotional blackmail episode is going to help anybody at this point. At the same time, I really don't think I can keep living like a ghost in my own house. I've toyed with the idea of just packing up and moving to some random country that I can afford to fly to, but the plan never really extends past getting off the plane, failing to speak the language and then getting mugged and dying.

I think I've finally solved the problem of mum getting upset with me leaving. I'm going to ninja move out. The one good thing that came out of all the cleaning is that all of my stuff is neatly packed away, so nobody will notice the lack of clothes lying in piles all over the place. I'm going to find a new place to live, and slowly move my stuff over. I'll live there, and every now and again, I'll head home, saying it's because I haven't been home in a while, but the real reason being I want to grab more stuff to move over.

I don't think they'll notice I'm not living there anymore as Sharon has pointed out multiple times, it's not like my parents even notice if I'm at home or not. If I'm not there, they'll just think I'm at work or at MrMan5.5's house. The fact that I'll have to pick up extra shifts at work to cover the living expenses will help a lot, too. Now that uni is over, I don't get any mail at home, so they won't notice the lack of it once I change my address. I'm probably the worst ninja in the world as I'm broadcasting my plan over the Internet, but nobody in my immediate family reads my blog anyway, and I'm sure anyone who does read it wouldn't tell as I'm sure that I've more than justified my desire to move out.

Sorry for the huge unload, I've been trying to cut down on the emo, and for a while, I've been deleting blog posts that I think have started veering in that direction, but I just really needed to unload. I think I'm almost excited with this idea, because it's going to be a challenge to see how long I can go undetected. Although, that means my housewarming will be delayed until my parents find out, as I don't think it would be right to have one without my parents being present. Hmmm, though I would also invite MrMan5.5's parents, too. Does that mean they will finally meet? =/

(NE) Textual Frustration

In case anyone missed it, in response to my last post:

Olek's post
GP's post

(It would make sense for me to edit my last post and add the links, but I don't think anyone would be checking my post to see their updates, so I'm just going to add it to my next post.)

(Since stuff has happened while I was typing this post out, I've decided this will be divided into two posts - though for the sake of the 1 for 1 (for 1) deal, I'm going to count it as one if Olek and GP are OK with that. The reason for the divide is that someone (I forgot who) wrote in my "21st" book, "Less emo posts", and so I'm dividing it into the emo(E) and non-emo(NE) parts.)

A few nights ago, I went out for a drink with Graham and his friend Hannah, and he was making fun of the fact that she had been texting her friend with benefits and he told her to reply to one of his messages with a smiley face and he hadn't replied. It just reminded me of Charmeleon and the fact that texting him was both exciting and stressful at the same time. I don't know why, but it seemed like every message had to have some sort of double meaning and be both innocent and flirty at the same time.

I have since gotten a new phone, so all of the messages aren't there anymore, but I was just thinking about the difference in the texting between me and Charmeleon and me and MrMan5.5. I message MrMan5.5 with all kinds of crap from seeing someone on the street doing something stupid to once again realising that I'm the shortest person in the group that I'm with (T_T). I feel comfortable sending him anything, and I don't feel like I have to proofread my message over and over again before hitting send in case I was saying something I didn't mean.

It seems strange to me that I'm so much closer to MrMan5.5 and I consider my relationship with him to be on a higher level than what I had with Charmeleon, but so much effort was put into simple things like messaging him.

To be perfectly honest, I did have feelings for Charmeleon, once upon a time. Though I kind of hit a point where I realised that things wouldn't really work if we were together (in a non-FWB way, for reasons I would prefer not to disclose), and so I was fine with keeping things at a just sleeping together nature. The thing was, I knew he was sleeping with other girls, and other than "That Guy", there wasn't really anyone else in my life, and it made me feel a bit like I didn't know where I stood. He could just wake up one morning and decide he was bored of me and that would be it (although I was the one who ended up ending it - not because I was bored, but because I met MrMan5.5). It was for that reason that I felt texts between us had to have that zing to it, because it had to be kept light and fun.

Not that it wasn't fun. It was always nice to hear my phone beep that I had a new message and construct some sort of reply, but there were occasions when I'd create what I thought was a masterpiece of a reply, and then he'd be busy, so we wouldn't be able to meet up, and it'd be a big let down. Then the next time he wanted to meet up, I'd feel compelled to turn him down (with yet another masterful creation) to make it even. Don't ask me to explain how it makes sense at all, or how there is some sense of even, I don't know why I did it, I just did.

In the end, if you think about it, the fact that so much theatre was required just to maintain interest is probably a sign that any relationship without it was doomed to failure as I think eventually, we'd become so tied up with innuendo and when it comes to trying to discuss something serious, it wouldn't be possible. It reminds me a bit of an episode of Scrubs (My Drama Queen) where JD ends up dating someone who is only interested in him when there's something dramatic happening.

Funnily enough, a while ago, I asked Charmeleon to get a pizza with me after I finished work (this was back when I would wake up, go to work, get home, play some WoW/HoN, sleep, then start over. It was kinda lonely for me, and there aren't many people who are up at 4AM and willing to get pizza) and he ended up cancelling on me. There were no sexually charged messages (unless pizza gained a double meaning I don't want to know about), but I just thought it was ironic given what I said earlier in this post. I was disappointed not to be able to get pizza, but it was a different disappointment to what I felt in the past, and there was no feeling that I had to get 'even'. Although, Julian said that it probably wasn't a good idea to meet up with him, and I know MrMan5.5 was uncomfortable with the idea even though he said he was fine with it, so I think it was a good decision not to reschedule.