I'd like to go to bed soon, so going to do a brain dump on this one.
Story behind this isn't nearly as cute as the one behind YN, IMO. It was Anzac Day, and I was busy finishing a psych lab report when he dropped the bomb on me. Unlike the previous time, I felt happy, but I think the need to finish my essay overruled any inclination to jump up and down with glee.
However, his job meant that it wouldn't be very good if his employers found out we were together - as he was a tutor of sorts. It meant that a lot of the time we spent together was in private, and I don't think we really went on any "dates". The one movie we did see was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And by see, I mean it in we-didn't-really-see-it sense.
I was very indecisive about whether we were actually together, or whether we should even be together. Considering the huge age gap between us (13 years), I knew my mum wouldn't be very happy if she ever found out. Then there was the complication of his job. But the biggest factor for me was the fact that he seemed like he had never really gotten over his ex-girlfriend and childhood friend. The fact that they were living together for a while made things a bit awkward.
There were a lot of "break ups", usually at my initiation. But we would usually get back together afterwards. I didn't realise it at the time, but I think the age gap did have an effect on us. I was really starting to get into WoW at this point, and he was somewhat of a technophobe. He used his computer to play chess online, and that was pretty much it. He liked having new gadgets, but only because he wanted to show off, not because he cared about any of the new features.
The worse characteristic he had was his competitiveness. He tried to get into gaming, I think for my sake. I brought over my PS2 and he had rented bunch of games - one of them being Space Invaders. It had a competitive mode where one player would have their laser cannon at the top, and the other would have theirs at the bottom. There were shields on both sides, and the invaders were in the middle. The goal was to shoot each other without getting killed by the invaders. I beat him at that, and then I beat him at DDR, too. He was getting quite worked up that he was losing, so I thought it might be a good idea to take a break, but he refused. His housemate tried to get him to stop as well, but that just made him even angrier. I played one more song, and managed to keep my score just barely under his so it wouldn't look as though I had let him win. He started saying how he knew he could beat me and I asked him to drive me home.
One of the other factors where age played a part was the fact that he was a bit bitter. I was in my second year of uni, and it felt like my whole life was in front of me, there were so many things I could do. He was at the point where he had pretty much settled into the only job he would be able to do, and he was pretty negative about a lot of things. Some nights, he would talk about things and I would feel like there was this huge weight being dropped on me, and I wanted to help him lift it up. But other nights, I was just too tired.
We broke up for good around the time I met MB, and it felt so good to be able to hang around someone my own age, who understood things that AG never would. AG probably had his reasons for saying some of the things he did, and I'm sure based on his experiences, it was good advice, but I think it was important for me to learn those things on my own.
He went overseas to work for a while, and by the time he returned, MB and RB had passed by. He tried to rekindle things again. Time had made me forget all the bad things about being with him, and remember all the good things, and I was really tempted. Then I was reminded of what someone told me during Scav Hunt. He said that all I have to do is think about how wrinkly his penis is. So it was a wrinkly penis, and RH who helped stop me from going back.
What I learned about myself: Despite the fact that we never went on "dates", I enjoyed the frequency with which we spent with each other (around once a week). It left me a lot of time for WoW, and uni, but not so infrequently that I felt like he didn't care. I sometimes wonder if he was the only reason I played chess - I can't even remember the last time I played, and even though I still went to the chess club after we broke up, it was mostly to catch up with the other people, rather than play chess. Being with him showed me the ugly side of competitiveness, and I think that was one of the reasons why I refused to take part in anything competitive for a long time. I never want to become like that, but I can see it happening.
(A mutual friend told me that he is currently dating someone in China, and frequently flies back and forth from Australia to be with her. Facebook let me down.)
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Blast From the Past: YN
So in a weird, imaginary conversation with my "muse", I was reminded of the people in my past that I have been romantically tied with. Now that I'm engaged, I thought about revisiting those relationships.
YN was my second major high school crush. Now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure what we had in common. He did mention playing Starcraft in passing, and he played Warcraft 3. It probably didn't hurt that between Year 7 and Year 11, he grew really buff, and I thought he looked really good! (Though he did come over and play a game of Starcraft, and in the few bits that I saw him play, I'm pretty sure my dad would have owned him.)
I think it was a bit of a juvenile romance. I don't think I ever gave him any traditional signals that I liked him, my method involved stealing his calculator and programming it with things to help with differentiation (it's so romantic, I know). At the end of Year 11, I organised a Kris Kringle. I can't remember if I cheated or not, but I ended up getting him. I had no idea what to get him, nothing seemed good enough. In the end, I settled for getting him a box of cards with "100 things to do before you die". I wrote him a letter where I basically told him how I felt, but that in the interest of wanting to work hard in Year 12 (LOL), it would be better if he pretended it didn't happen. Then I mailed it to him because I was too afraid to give it to him in person (I had this amazing idea in Year 10 where I started the "Idiot's Convention" and it was an easy way for me to get people's contact details).
Year 12 was not that big a deal, I was mostly interested in chess and badminton at the time, and I think that took my mind off YN and whether he actually received his present. Towards the end of the year, Tu asked me to accompany her to see the university she wanted to go to out in Whoop Whoop, and we missed our train back, so I was running late for my first ever chess tournament. Mum told me someone sent me a letter, and I grabbed it on the way to the chess club. I was half-running (being the super unfit person I will probably always be) when I smelled something distinctive. It smelled like YN. The letter had no return address, so I opened it, and sure enough, it was from him.
His letter mirrored mine, and he revealed that he also had feelings for me, but because I had asked him not to say anything so we could focus on our studies, he kept quiet for the whole year. It came as a total surprise to me. I honestly don't think I had any redeeming qualities in high school. I was a mean, arrogant know-it-all. The kid who just has to point out that the teacher missed an apostrophe. I wasn't one of the pretty girls, and I think the fact that I was spending a lot of time thinking about Perfect Dark was the beginning of my descent into gamerhood.
I was so happy. I made it to the game on time, and managed to beat someone who is a far better player than I will ever be. It was like all the pieces fell into place. Harsh as it is, I think that chess game was the best thing to come out of the "relationship".
We did a few things together: saw "The Last Samurai", he tried to teach me to play soccer, he called me on New Year's Eve and we talked for a while. I think with both of us starting at different universities, and making lots of new friends, we didn't really have time for each other. Not to mention the fact that he moved to somewhere really far away and neither of us could drive or even had a car.
Still, it seemed like we wanted to keep it going, seeing as neither of us ended it (or maybe at this point he didn't even care enough, but I'll never know). So when I won tickets to Sony's screening of Resident Evil, I invited him to come with me. I waited outside the cinema right up until they were about to start the movie, but he never showed. When I finally managed to get in contact with him again, he told me that he had forgotten about it. That's when I decided it was over. I don't remember exactly how I phrased it, but he replied, "Are you giving up on me?" That one question has stuck with me ever since. I don't understand why he asked it.
I never even got the chance to ask him, as our net connection chose that moment to die (yes, I did this over MSN). I could have called him, but I was too angry (nothing good ever seems to happen when I'm angry).
What I learned about myself: I consider a boyfriend someone who I interact with more than once every two months.
(I looked him up on Facebook. It seems he is now married and the photos seem to indicate that he has one kid. So at least I didn't completely mess him up.)
YN was my second major high school crush. Now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure what we had in common. He did mention playing Starcraft in passing, and he played Warcraft 3. It probably didn't hurt that between Year 7 and Year 11, he grew really buff, and I thought he looked really good! (Though he did come over and play a game of Starcraft, and in the few bits that I saw him play, I'm pretty sure my dad would have owned him.)
I think it was a bit of a juvenile romance. I don't think I ever gave him any traditional signals that I liked him, my method involved stealing his calculator and programming it with things to help with differentiation (it's so romantic, I know). At the end of Year 11, I organised a Kris Kringle. I can't remember if I cheated or not, but I ended up getting him. I had no idea what to get him, nothing seemed good enough. In the end, I settled for getting him a box of cards with "100 things to do before you die". I wrote him a letter where I basically told him how I felt, but that in the interest of wanting to work hard in Year 12 (LOL), it would be better if he pretended it didn't happen. Then I mailed it to him because I was too afraid to give it to him in person (I had this amazing idea in Year 10 where I started the "Idiot's Convention" and it was an easy way for me to get people's contact details).
Year 12 was not that big a deal, I was mostly interested in chess and badminton at the time, and I think that took my mind off YN and whether he actually received his present. Towards the end of the year, Tu asked me to accompany her to see the university she wanted to go to out in Whoop Whoop, and we missed our train back, so I was running late for my first ever chess tournament. Mum told me someone sent me a letter, and I grabbed it on the way to the chess club. I was half-running (being the super unfit person I will probably always be) when I smelled something distinctive. It smelled like YN. The letter had no return address, so I opened it, and sure enough, it was from him.
His letter mirrored mine, and he revealed that he also had feelings for me, but because I had asked him not to say anything so we could focus on our studies, he kept quiet for the whole year. It came as a total surprise to me. I honestly don't think I had any redeeming qualities in high school. I was a mean, arrogant know-it-all. The kid who just has to point out that the teacher missed an apostrophe. I wasn't one of the pretty girls, and I think the fact that I was spending a lot of time thinking about Perfect Dark was the beginning of my descent into gamerhood.
I was so happy. I made it to the game on time, and managed to beat someone who is a far better player than I will ever be. It was like all the pieces fell into place. Harsh as it is, I think that chess game was the best thing to come out of the "relationship".
We did a few things together: saw "The Last Samurai", he tried to teach me to play soccer, he called me on New Year's Eve and we talked for a while. I think with both of us starting at different universities, and making lots of new friends, we didn't really have time for each other. Not to mention the fact that he moved to somewhere really far away and neither of us could drive or even had a car.
Still, it seemed like we wanted to keep it going, seeing as neither of us ended it (or maybe at this point he didn't even care enough, but I'll never know). So when I won tickets to Sony's screening of Resident Evil, I invited him to come with me. I waited outside the cinema right up until they were about to start the movie, but he never showed. When I finally managed to get in contact with him again, he told me that he had forgotten about it. That's when I decided it was over. I don't remember exactly how I phrased it, but he replied, "Are you giving up on me?" That one question has stuck with me ever since. I don't understand why he asked it.
I never even got the chance to ask him, as our net connection chose that moment to die (yes, I did this over MSN). I could have called him, but I was too angry (nothing good ever seems to happen when I'm angry).
What I learned about myself: I consider a boyfriend someone who I interact with more than once every two months.
(I looked him up on Facebook. It seems he is now married and the photos seem to indicate that he has one kid. So at least I didn't completely mess him up.)
Friday 25 November 2011
Sqwerty
Just in regards to my last post, I didn't mean to give the impression that MrMan5.5 never does the laundry. In fact, he is the one who does all the laundry, because I don't know how to use the washing machine, and I'm afraid of all the clothes coming out raggedy or with blurred colours if I tried to wash them. So that's also why I couldn't just wash the clothes myself when I thought the laundry needed doing.
I don't know if I'm alone in thinking this, but when I first realised that guys watch porn on their computers, I always think that their keyboards must be covered in... penis. I can't remember which comic it was, but one character was shaking hands with another character. The second character then revealed that she had just given someone a hand job. Since she was using the same hand to shake the first character's hand, she explained that via transference, it was like the first character was touching that someone's penis.
So I figure, most guys will do some typing while masturbating to porn, or at least touch their keyboard. And if you add to that the number of people who don't wash their hands after they go to the toilet - which for guys doing a number one, means touching their penis - there is a lot of transference penis on a keyboard! I was also a bit worried about accidentally "spillage" on the keyboard, but I was told it is really unlikely.
This might be bordering on obsessive compulsive behaviour, but it has gone past keyboards into the bedroom. I'm not really a touchy person, but sometimes I think that if I touched MrMan5.5's penis, then didn't wash my hands, and then met up with someone who is a hugger, I just put MrMan5.5's penis on their back! (I bet nobody will hug me when they see me from now on - so actually, this is a bit of a win for me.) I've started getting a bit compulsive about washing my hands after sex, or if I fall asleep afterwards, washing my hands in the morning.
I wonder if anyone else thinks about things like this. I asked Julian if he would use Vinnie's keyboard, and he thought that was a weird question, and couldn't think of a reason why he wouldn't. It isn't really a big deal anyway, I can't even remember the last time I used someone else's keyboard.
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On a side note, yay or nay to images in blog posts? I think they're good for breaking up walls of text, so it makes the post easier to read. The downside is, sometimes I can't be assed finding a picture to go with the post, or can't think of a good one, or can't find a good one that's free to use.
I prefer the use of block quotes, because I don't have to worry about copyright or whatever, but there isn't always something that fits with the post itself.
I always seem to have images centered with text above and below. It irritates me when people put text around an image, or to the left or right, probably because it makes me think it's an ad embedded in the text and they're trying to trick me into looking at it.
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Eyjafjoellfodder
I've finally caught up to the latest posts in A Bad Case of the Dates, and a lot of the dates on the site seem to involve a date that is going perfectly fine, and then the other person (for reasons unknown to the submitter) has a complete personality transformation - usually where they become incredibly angry over what should be a minor thing. There is usually at least one commenter who says, "Bullet dodged" in reply to those dates, which I normally agree with, only I realised I do the same thing to MrMan5.5. I don't think I'm a bad girlfriend, well, occasionally I am, but overall, I think I'm doing OK.
First of all, what is a bad girlfriend? It's something I've asked before, and I never really worked out an answer. Based on movie and TV show characters, who are the girlfriends everyone loves to hate? They typically have characteristics like:
While everyone has their own preferences, these are some of the things I think make a bad girlfriend. However, I'm guilty of all of these things: I set rules for opening Christmas presents, I nag about doing the laundry, I complain about work and bad games of HoN, I talk about things like Stargate that MrMan5.5 hasn't seen and doesn't care to see, and I regularly play HoN for hours at a time and completely forget that MrMan5.5 said he wants to join the next game and queue without him.
I don't want to be a bad girlfriend, and I don't think MrMan5.5 currently thinks I am a bad girlfriend, which hopefully will remain the case for the rest of our relationship. So occasionally, I will catch myself about to nag MrMan5.5 about the laundry and stop myself. Then I give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for not being a bad girlfriend. Everything is good!
But a couple of days pass, and the laundry does not get done because he is too busy playing Skyrim. We need to cook something for dinner, but there is nothing in the fridge. MrMan5.5 is tired, so I say that I will go (I am such a good girlfriend, after all). I go to get changed, but the only clean pants I have left are my uncomfortable work pants - so it's either that, or my bright pink, Hello Kitty pajama pants. I decide if I put on a long coat it will cover most of my pants, nobody will look at them anyway.
Of course, on the way to the supermarket, every passing driver is staring at me, and every pedestrian is laughing at me behind my back - so it is a very embarrassing walk to the supermarket, a very embarrassing walk through the supermarket, a very embarrassing wait at the checkout, and a very embarrassing walk home. Why hasn't he done the laundry? All he needs to do is chuck some clothes in the washing machine and turn it on. IT'S NOT HARD!
This whole process probably takes about 15 minutes, and I have had the entire time to build up a nice case against him. That time he left the clothes in the washing machine without hanging them up, the fact that I've cooked breakfast the past two weekends, the fact that he misclicked his spell in HoN and let me die. Every single bad thing I can remember comes up, doubly so for all the bad things he did that I suppressed because I didn't want to be a bad girlfriend and nag him.
The list is pretty damn long, which means I'm in the right - he is a bad boyfriend and I am justified in this case of nagging. Not only that, but I am angry. I don't get angry very often, so it must be things are pretty bad if I am angry. I get home and I say to him, "It would be nice if you could wash some clothes once and a while!" then put the perishable groceries away and climb into bed. I don't want to talk to him right now.
(I don't actually see this part, because I'm in bed at the moment, but I imagine it going something like this: MrMan5.5 gets up in a panic. He can tell I'm angry, so he has a quick scan of what he has done recently to provoke me. His quick scan isn't very good, because he doesn't come up with any reasons - not doing laundry doesn't normally make me angry. He knows he has to do something to make it better though, so he starts cooking pancakes for me. I get a big plate of pancakes with maple syrup and ice cream)
OK, I lied, that never happens. What happens is that MrMan5.5 comes in and says that he didn't do the laundry because it has been cold and the stuff on the clotheshorse isn't dry yet, so if he does more laundry he will have nowhere to hang it. He can't hang it outside because it is raining.
That's actually a perfectly reasonable. My angry brain doesn't care! Despite the fact that my entire reason for being angry is now gone, it's too late. It's like a volcano about to explode - even if the town if innocent people disappears, the volcano still wants to explode. I still have to punish him so I turn to the ultimate weapon - the silent treatment. The only weapon I can actually use at the moment, because I can't really say anything in reply without admitting that he's right. Because he's not right. I am.
Eventually, I cool off (usually after a nap), and I return to my logical self. It's because I never said anything about the laundry when it first started bothering me, or all the other things I suppressed, all MrMan5.5 saw was a big storm of crazy. He probably writes it off as PMS or just a quirk I have where I occasionally get illogically angry over a tiny thing. He will never find out what is truly bothering me, and I will continue getting angry over it, which makes it a positive feedback cycle.
So that's my theory on why people (well, me, really, but it could apply to others) get angry seemingly out of nowhere. I realise that it is unhealthy behaviour, so I am trying to work on it.
First of all, what is a bad girlfriend? It's something I've asked before, and I never really worked out an answer. Based on movie and TV show characters, who are the girlfriends everyone loves to hate? They typically have characteristics like:
- is controlling
- nags a lot
- complains about everything
- talks about things their partner isn't interested in
- ignores their partner's wants and needs
While everyone has their own preferences, these are some of the things I think make a bad girlfriend. However, I'm guilty of all of these things: I set rules for opening Christmas presents, I nag about doing the laundry, I complain about work and bad games of HoN, I talk about things like Stargate that MrMan5.5 hasn't seen and doesn't care to see, and I regularly play HoN for hours at a time and completely forget that MrMan5.5 said he wants to join the next game and queue without him.
I don't want to be a bad girlfriend, and I don't think MrMan5.5 currently thinks I am a bad girlfriend, which hopefully will remain the case for the rest of our relationship. So occasionally, I will catch myself about to nag MrMan5.5 about the laundry and stop myself. Then I give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for not being a bad girlfriend. Everything is good!
But a couple of days pass, and the laundry does not get done because he is too busy playing Skyrim. We need to cook something for dinner, but there is nothing in the fridge. MrMan5.5 is tired, so I say that I will go (I am such a good girlfriend, after all). I go to get changed, but the only clean pants I have left are my uncomfortable work pants - so it's either that, or my bright pink, Hello Kitty pajama pants. I decide if I put on a long coat it will cover most of my pants, nobody will look at them anyway.
Of course, on the way to the supermarket, every passing driver is staring at me, and every pedestrian is laughing at me behind my back - so it is a very embarrassing walk to the supermarket, a very embarrassing walk through the supermarket, a very embarrassing wait at the checkout, and a very embarrassing walk home. Why hasn't he done the laundry? All he needs to do is chuck some clothes in the washing machine and turn it on. IT'S NOT HARD!
This whole process probably takes about 15 minutes, and I have had the entire time to build up a nice case against him. That time he left the clothes in the washing machine without hanging them up, the fact that I've cooked breakfast the past two weekends, the fact that he misclicked his spell in HoN and let me die. Every single bad thing I can remember comes up, doubly so for all the bad things he did that I suppressed because I didn't want to be a bad girlfriend and nag him.
The list is pretty damn long, which means I'm in the right - he is a bad boyfriend and I am justified in this case of nagging. Not only that, but I am angry. I don't get angry very often, so it must be things are pretty bad if I am angry. I get home and I say to him, "It would be nice if you could wash some clothes once and a while!" then put the perishable groceries away and climb into bed. I don't want to talk to him right now.
(I don't actually see this part, because I'm in bed at the moment, but I imagine it going something like this: MrMan5.5 gets up in a panic. He can tell I'm angry, so he has a quick scan of what he has done recently to provoke me. His quick scan isn't very good, because he doesn't come up with any reasons - not doing laundry doesn't normally make me angry. He knows he has to do something to make it better though, so he starts cooking pancakes for me. I get a big plate of pancakes with maple syrup and ice cream)
OK, I lied, that never happens. What happens is that MrMan5.5 comes in and says that he didn't do the laundry because it has been cold and the stuff on the clotheshorse isn't dry yet, so if he does more laundry he will have nowhere to hang it. He can't hang it outside because it is raining.
Eventually, I cool off (usually after a nap), and I return to my logical self. It's because I never said anything about the laundry when it first started bothering me, or all the other things I suppressed, all MrMan5.5 saw was a big storm of crazy. He probably writes it off as PMS or just a quirk I have where I occasionally get illogically angry over a tiny thing. He will never find out what is truly bothering me, and I will continue getting angry over it, which makes it a positive feedback cycle.
So that's my theory on why people (well, me, really, but it could apply to others) get angry seemingly out of nowhere. I realise that it is unhealthy behaviour, so I am trying to work on it.
Wednesday 9 November 2011
Nigel's Words
Ah, I realised that some people might not have read about the inverted penis thing (don't google it...). One of my cousin's friends called me an inverted penis because I'm a girl, but I like to do "guy things", like gaming - i.e. "girl on the outside, guy on the inside". Though nothing to do with the term (though it fits the meaning in a way), MrMan5.5 tells me that when they do sex change operations on guys, they take the penis, and turn it inside out to make it into a vagina. Why they couldn't use the word "tomboy" or something similar, I'll never understand.
So, as you might have guessed, I gave up on NaNo again this year. Well, not gave up so much as decided to take the pressure off. I know it's not really the point, but I thought maybe I could write the story in my own time. I've just been so pressured at work to finish the project I'm on before I go on leave (being the only Java developer on the team kinda sucks), that by the time I get home, I just want to relax. It's an excuse, I know.
This blog post stemmed from my last one, and I think it might cause some trouble at home, but I'm writing it anyway!
A while ago, a friend and I were standing outside the train station, and we were discussing average penis size. He casually slid in the fact that he was in the top something% based on penis size (don't know if he brought up the topic just to brag) - maybe it was 2 or 3 standard deviations above the mean, but basically he was saying he was big. He told me how big, but I forgot, because inches don't mean anything to me, and so there was no context for me to remember.
Then another friend of mine was telling me that her partner, who I also know, is also quite big. Now, when I see either of them, I wonder just how big. (This line-between-friends thing seems to be a bit of a theme lately.)
I don't even understand why though. Maybe it's cultural brainwashing, or something, but so many people say that size doesn't really matter, so it doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is that I've been there, and done that, and it wasn't better (although, I have to put my usual small sample size disclaimer here).
AG was also pretty high on the scale - though I didn't know it at the time, given my only other source of comparison came from porn, which is pretty biased in terms of size. So sex hurt at the start pretty much every single time, and I thought that was normal. I mean, if you think about it, it would explain why girls in porn movies are always making so much noise. It was a weird mixture of pleasure and pain, and I think there was a bit of a case of the mind only remembering the good parts, which was why I kept going back. Then, during one of the times we "broke up", I mentioned to him that my parents would like it if I were with an Asian guy (LOL), and he said to me that I should make the most of him while I could, because Asian guys would never be able to compete...
I would like to say that it was a moment of enlightenment for me, and that I realised at that point that sex didn't have to feel like someone was trying to put a telephone pole into your ass (I say ass here so both genders can understand!), but I didn't, and continued to think that that was just how it was. It wasn't until many years later that Charmeleon helped me realise that it doesn't have to be that way.
I think it's way better when it doesn't hurt at the start, so I really don't understand the fascination. Maybe it's just curiosity, like trying to find out whether there are non-porn star guys who have porn star penises. Or maybe to prove that porn stars don't get penis enlargement surgery.
Apparently the French did a study to find out the average penis size of French men in order to try to make everyone feel better, but if the average is the middle, then you'll still upset a lot of people!
I have been told that at my hen's night, I have to do something wild, but I really have no interest in having a stripper over - whether it is for penis research or other means. I still really like the idea Rob and Lena had, where they had a combined hen's/buck's night, and their guests could move back and forth between the two - one of which was a LAN, if I recall correctly. Or maybe we can marathon bad girly movies and have a sleepover! Don't care about the "last night of freedom" thing.
So, as you might have guessed, I gave up on NaNo again this year. Well, not gave up so much as decided to take the pressure off. I know it's not really the point, but I thought maybe I could write the story in my own time. I've just been so pressured at work to finish the project I'm on before I go on leave (being the only Java developer on the team kinda sucks), that by the time I get home, I just want to relax. It's an excuse, I know.
This blog post stemmed from my last one, and I think it might cause some trouble at home, but I'm writing it anyway!
A while ago, a friend and I were standing outside the train station, and we were discussing average penis size. He casually slid in the fact that he was in the top something% based on penis size (don't know if he brought up the topic just to brag) - maybe it was 2 or 3 standard deviations above the mean, but basically he was saying he was big. He told me how big, but I forgot, because inches don't mean anything to me, and so there was no context for me to remember.
Then another friend of mine was telling me that her partner, who I also know, is also quite big. Now, when I see either of them, I wonder just how big. (This line-between-friends thing seems to be a bit of a theme lately.)
I don't even understand why though. Maybe it's cultural brainwashing, or something, but so many people say that size doesn't really matter, so it doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is that I've been there, and done that, and it wasn't better (although, I have to put my usual small sample size disclaimer here).
AG was also pretty high on the scale - though I didn't know it at the time, given my only other source of comparison came from porn, which is pretty biased in terms of size. So sex hurt at the start pretty much every single time, and I thought that was normal. I mean, if you think about it, it would explain why girls in porn movies are always making so much noise. It was a weird mixture of pleasure and pain, and I think there was a bit of a case of the mind only remembering the good parts, which was why I kept going back. Then, during one of the times we "broke up", I mentioned to him that my parents would like it if I were with an Asian guy (LOL), and he said to me that I should make the most of him while I could, because Asian guys would never be able to compete...
I would like to say that it was a moment of enlightenment for me, and that I realised at that point that sex didn't have to feel like someone was trying to put a telephone pole into your ass (I say ass here so both genders can understand!), but I didn't, and continued to think that that was just how it was. It wasn't until many years later that Charmeleon helped me realise that it doesn't have to be that way.
I think it's way better when it doesn't hurt at the start, so I really don't understand the fascination. Maybe it's just curiosity, like trying to find out whether there are non-porn star guys who have porn star penises. Or maybe to prove that porn stars don't get penis enlargement surgery.
Apparently the French did a study to find out the average penis size of French men in order to try to make everyone feel better, but if the average is the middle, then you'll still upset a lot of people!
I have been told that at my hen's night, I have to do something wild, but I really have no interest in having a stripper over - whether it is for penis research or other means. I still really like the idea Rob and Lena had, where they had a combined hen's/buck's night, and their guests could move back and forth between the two - one of which was a LAN, if I recall correctly. Or maybe we can marathon bad girly movies and have a sleepover! Don't care about the "last night of freedom" thing.
Monday 7 November 2011
Never the Bridesmaid
One of the things that comes with being engaged (yes, GP, this isn't some elaborate prank on you) is having to plan a wedding, which also involves choosing the bridal party (and groomal party?). We have to have 3 each, because MrMan5.5 has 3 really close friends, so I need 3 to be symmetrical. Being someone who loves patterns as much as I do, I had originally planned to have a good friend from primary school (Tash), a good friend from high school (Sharon) and a good friend from uni (QC), so they would represent me from different parts of my life. I kinda felt bad asking Tash to be a bridesmaid though, as she has been with her boyfriend for longer than MrMan5.5 and I have been together, and they seem to have hit a bit of an uncertain patch at the moment. I thought it might feel a bit too much like rubbing it in her face if I asked.
So to learn from the experiences of other brides that I know, I thought I'd just go with easygoing bridesmaids instead - people who won't cause drama, but people who have also played an important part in my life. Again, Sharon was the first one to jump to mind, but the next person to jump to mind was slightly unusual. Unusual because he is male. But I think he has played a very important part in my life, and I attribute a lot of my university life to him. From a chaos theory point of view, he was the butterfly that flapped his wings, and the hurricane was the events in my life that stemmed from that point. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't met, I think I probably would have spent all of my uni time at the chess club and then.... Pandy....
On a side note, I also invited him to my hen's night (when I have it), and he declined saying he couldn't because only girls are meant to go to the hen's night. So I invited him to the hen's night as the stripper instead. Perhaps I crossed a line in our friendship, as I now realise that was a strange request. He didn't seem to take it too badly, but he still declined.
Anyway, it made me think about how few female friends I have that I feel like I can associate with. I lost a large chunk of my life to WoW, and other than Charlotte, there are no females that I know in real life (I don't count Vamp, because we don't even talk) who can ever understand what that's like. I guess it was never really a problem for me, because I had plenty of people I could talk to about WoW. It wasn't just WoW, there were so many people to talk to in the game that it was pretty easy to find someone who was happy to have a chat about any topic I wanted to discuss.
Begin: my life as an inverted penis. Someone told me that it's a compliment that guys find me easy to talk to, but I disagree. OK, maybe it's a compliment, but I don't think it's a good thing. Back in the days of MrMan1 was when it first occured to me. We were at a LAN together and he farted. Not end of the world stuff, and I still liked him after that, but one of his friends was so surprised that he would fart in front of a girl. He said, "Nah, it's OK, it's just Anna." It took me a year to realise that I had been friend zoned.
During that time, I could never work out why so many guys were perfectly fine with opening up to me, but there was never anything more. "One of the guys" was pretty much the story of my life. One of RB's friends told me over MSN that I didn't have to worry about him trying to steal me, because he considered me one of the guys. I hadn't even met the guy and he was already friend zoning me (not that I was interested, but that's besides the point)!
It's something that I probably never will be able to prove without invading people's privacy, but I think there is the type of talk between guys that happens when it's just guys. Then there's the type of talk when it's an inverted penis and some guys (which is more polite than the only guys, but not that much more). Then there's the type of talk when there are guys and non-inverted penis girls. Oh, then there's the talk when there are girls and girls, I think it's the same regardless of inverted penis status.
I think that clan chat when Char was around was of the third type, and it was nice. Even though it had nothing to do with me, it felt like I was a girl! Although, it was probably because they didn't realise Char is an inverted penis as well, so they were probably being polite until her true nature came out. Either way, it was nice having another girl in the game. Everyone was so much better behaved. OK, maybe calling Char an inverted penis is not quite right, maybe she's more of a hybrid female/inverted penis. I think she has found a good balance between inverted penishood and being a female.
If I were a real girl, and not an inverted penis, I wouldn't have this problem of not being able to find a bridesmaid. I wonder if Auto took me seriously when I asked him....
So to learn from the experiences of other brides that I know, I thought I'd just go with easygoing bridesmaids instead - people who won't cause drama, but people who have also played an important part in my life. Again, Sharon was the first one to jump to mind, but the next person to jump to mind was slightly unusual. Unusual because he is male. But I think he has played a very important part in my life, and I attribute a lot of my university life to him. From a chaos theory point of view, he was the butterfly that flapped his wings, and the hurricane was the events in my life that stemmed from that point. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't met, I think I probably would have spent all of my uni time at the chess club and then.... Pandy....
On a side note, I also invited him to my hen's night (when I have it), and he declined saying he couldn't because only girls are meant to go to the hen's night. So I invited him to the hen's night as the stripper instead. Perhaps I crossed a line in our friendship, as I now realise that was a strange request. He didn't seem to take it too badly, but he still declined.
Anyway, it made me think about how few female friends I have that I feel like I can associate with. I lost a large chunk of my life to WoW, and other than Charlotte, there are no females that I know in real life (I don't count Vamp, because we don't even talk) who can ever understand what that's like. I guess it was never really a problem for me, because I had plenty of people I could talk to about WoW. It wasn't just WoW, there were so many people to talk to in the game that it was pretty easy to find someone who was happy to have a chat about any topic I wanted to discuss.
Begin: my life as an inverted penis. Someone told me that it's a compliment that guys find me easy to talk to, but I disagree. OK, maybe it's a compliment, but I don't think it's a good thing. Back in the days of MrMan1 was when it first occured to me. We were at a LAN together and he farted. Not end of the world stuff, and I still liked him after that, but one of his friends was so surprised that he would fart in front of a girl. He said, "Nah, it's OK, it's just Anna." It took me a year to realise that I had been friend zoned.
During that time, I could never work out why so many guys were perfectly fine with opening up to me, but there was never anything more. "One of the guys" was pretty much the story of my life. One of RB's friends told me over MSN that I didn't have to worry about him trying to steal me, because he considered me one of the guys. I hadn't even met the guy and he was already friend zoning me (not that I was interested, but that's besides the point)!
It's something that I probably never will be able to prove without invading people's privacy, but I think there is the type of talk between guys that happens when it's just guys. Then there's the type of talk when it's an inverted penis and some guys (which is more polite than the only guys, but not that much more). Then there's the type of talk when there are guys and non-inverted penis girls. Oh, then there's the talk when there are girls and girls, I think it's the same regardless of inverted penis status.
I think that clan chat when Char was around was of the third type, and it was nice. Even though it had nothing to do with me, it felt like I was a girl! Although, it was probably because they didn't realise Char is an inverted penis as well, so they were probably being polite until her true nature came out. Either way, it was nice having another girl in the game. Everyone was so much better behaved. OK, maybe calling Char an inverted penis is not quite right, maybe she's more of a hybrid female/inverted penis. I think she has found a good balance between inverted penishood and being a female.
If I were a real girl, and not an inverted penis, I wouldn't have this problem of not being able to find a bridesmaid. I wonder if Auto took me seriously when I asked him....
Tuesday 1 November 2011
The Invention of Lying
This will probably be my last post for a month, as I have decided I won't be doing NaBloPoMo again this year (since I managed to complete it last year (in a way), the challenge isn't as big as NaNoWriMo). However, if you would like to read something in the meantime, I suggest the blog of regular commenter Chaotic Good: Wordsmith. He has set himself a challenge to write something every day, and I think they're all fictional (at least the ones he has written so far have been), but he doesn't stick to the same genre, so there's a bit of everything. My favourites so far are:
The Magic Wagon Part 1 2 3 4
Trouble in Toytown
Blueberry Pie
I read somewhere that people who are good liars also tend to be more intelligent. It makes sense, because in order to tell a good lie, you need to come up with a plausible alternative, but you also need to keep track of what you said, who you said it to, and keep that separate from the truth (it might help to convince yourself that the lie is the truth, but that's not always very easy). I remember my mentor telling me about his 4-year-old daughter (who sounds incredibly intelligent). He caught her telling a lie, and she kept insisting that it was true. Eventually, he explained to her how he knew that she was lying, and she stopped trying to argue. The next time she tried to tell the same lie, she corrected the mistakes she made last time.
I can usually come up with a plausible alternative, but it is the keeping track of lies that I find difficult, which is one of the reasons I tend not to lie. I'm even trying to cut down on my white lies.
Last night, someone asked to join our HoN clan. From previous experiences with him (and the fact that a few of the current clan members refuse to play with him), I didn't want to let him join. However, I was really reluctant to turn him down because he is friends with someone MrMan5.5 respects a lot, and I didn't want to cause trouble. I told Julian, and he told me to tell the person that if he joined, Julian was going to leave. Not that it's a big deal if Julian leaves the clan, because we can still play together, but I would prefer it if we were in the same clan.
I didn't want to use that as an excuse not to invite him to the clan, but Julian said that he was happy to be the bad guy, so I did. I don't know if Julian would have followed through with it though. What makes it worse is that Julian then told me about something he saw on TV, where someone threatened someone else in order to make them tell a lie. Hearing it in the third person, it sounded to me like the threat was obviously a bluff, so it seemed like Julian was bluffing as well.
I just played a few games of HoN and completely forgot where I was going with this, so I'm going to leave it here.
The Magic Wagon Part 1 2 3 4
Trouble in Toytown
Blueberry Pie
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read somewhere that people who are good liars also tend to be more intelligent. It makes sense, because in order to tell a good lie, you need to come up with a plausible alternative, but you also need to keep track of what you said, who you said it to, and keep that separate from the truth (it might help to convince yourself that the lie is the truth, but that's not always very easy). I remember my mentor telling me about his 4-year-old daughter (who sounds incredibly intelligent). He caught her telling a lie, and she kept insisting that it was true. Eventually, he explained to her how he knew that she was lying, and she stopped trying to argue. The next time she tried to tell the same lie, she corrected the mistakes she made last time.
I can usually come up with a plausible alternative, but it is the keeping track of lies that I find difficult, which is one of the reasons I tend not to lie. I'm even trying to cut down on my white lies.
Last night, someone asked to join our HoN clan. From previous experiences with him (and the fact that a few of the current clan members refuse to play with him), I didn't want to let him join. However, I was really reluctant to turn him down because he is friends with someone MrMan5.5 respects a lot, and I didn't want to cause trouble. I told Julian, and he told me to tell the person that if he joined, Julian was going to leave. Not that it's a big deal if Julian leaves the clan, because we can still play together, but I would prefer it if we were in the same clan.
I didn't want to use that as an excuse not to invite him to the clan, but Julian said that he was happy to be the bad guy, so I did. I don't know if Julian would have followed through with it though. What makes it worse is that Julian then told me about something he saw on TV, where someone threatened someone else in order to make them tell a lie. Hearing it in the third person, it sounded to me like the threat was obviously a bluff, so it seemed like Julian was bluffing as well.
I just played a few games of HoN and completely forgot where I was going with this, so I'm going to leave it here.
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