I've never been a very outgoing person. I'm not the stereotypical awkward nerd (although at times, you probably would think that I was), but I still find myself crossing the road to avoid having to talk to someone. But it's not really about disliking other people, sometimes it's because I feel like I am putting them in an awkward situation - especially at work.
At work, I play this "game" where I have to tell myself someone's name when I see them. Through the social committee, I've met a lot of people and I try to remember as many as I can because I think that's good customer service (even though my job isn't really a customer service job, I think a part of maintaining a good reputation at work is to treat people well). I've found that in quite a few situations, the person that I'm talking to doesn't remember me even though I remember them from one of the committee events. So I feel bad putting them into the awkward situation of having to pretend that they know who I am even though it's pretty clear that they don't.
Now that I've left the committee, I don't feel obligated to hang around at the social events. I do show up, but I'll only hang around for an hour or so, and then go home. I thought that was OK, because at least I was making an effort, but a couple of people on my team have mentioned it like a bad thing, so I guess it's not as acceptable as I thought - especially considering one of those people is my boss.
To be honest, I don't really understand why it's such a big deal. How can my early departure effect their enjoyment of the event? It's not like they have to leave when I leave, they are completely welcome to stay, and usually do, so what's so bad about me leaving?
This is a problem because our work Christmas party is coming up, and I had planned to just show up and leave after an hour. Grad Daniel said that I should stay and leave after two hours, just to prove my boss wrong, so that is the goal that I'm setting myself. It's not really work-only though, as people outside of work have said similar things. So I've been trying to make an effort at other events. Plus, one of my work-related goals is to get better at networking, so mastering the art of meeting new people and making small talk can't hurt, right?
I went to MB's 30th birthday party, and I found I enjoyed myself there despite the fact that I only knew the host and his partner (though I think I left after a couple of hours... progress!). I also went to X's Melb dinner and..... made a really bad mistake as apparently I had met someone there twice before this dinner, and forgotten him last time and this time. So much for my "game"! But at the dinner, I lasted 3 hours. :D
Still, I am making it my early New Year's resolution to try to be more social and meet new people - though I think I will limit myself to at most one thing per week, as I don't think I'm ready for that much social interaction yet.
Friday 6 December 2013
Sunday 3 November 2013
Selling Yourself Short
This whole lying thing seems to have opened a can of worms. In response to gwon's comment:
After that happened, I was too afraid to do another heroic. I queued for some of the easier ones, but avoided the one that I was kicked from and all the ones after it, like the plague. I read some forum posts on how to improve, and the general consensus was switch to holy. Even Meshu told me the same thing. But I refused. I had hit a brick wall. On one hand, I was proud of myself, for sticking to my guns and staying discipline despite how hard it was. On the other hand, I had limited myself from a majority of the end game. I couldn't bring myself to queue knowing that I'd be letting 4 other people down. But I kept thinking, this is so unfair - why can't I play the spec that I want and do things that everyone else can do?
It was actually DotA, or rather HoN which is what I was playing at the time, which made me realise that in a group, each person has a specific role. To do the best that you can do as a group, you need to fulfill the role that you agreed to play by choosing your hero. I remember when I used to get angry at the carry heroes who would yell at me to buy wards or upgrade the courier when I had no gold. I felt that if they wanted the wards, they could buy them themselves. (While I still think that if your support is doing so poorly that they can't afford wards, you should buy them, instead of getting ganked constantly and blaming the lack of vision, but that is another story.)
In short, I wasn't playing optimally. By choosing to do what I wanted, despite the huge amount of evidence showing that it wasn't the best, I was also letting 4 other people down. Sure, if I had the skill to make up for the sub-optimal spec, then it would have been fine, but I didn't, and I knew that, which is why I was so afraid to queue for the more difficult heroics. I do sometimes play silly builds in DotA, but for me, that's more of a training exercise than a conscious decision to prove a point. I wasn't gaining anything.
To answer the question, whether I would change my personality to get ahead, I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm not the person that I was last year - I go to the gym, I do yoga, I actually feel confident enough in my skills to argue with J about Java related stuff. I'm not even sure that I'm the same person I was two months ago. Personality theory is a bit undecided on whether people have a permanent personality anyway. And adaptation is always good. I know that I am dodging the question, and the fundamental question is, do I really want to go back on something that I value so highly? I don't, I really don't - which is probably why I am struggling with the whole thing. But I like to think that I am pretty rational, and it's hard to deny the evidence in support of lying to get ahead.
I seem to have picked up yet another mentor, and her advice is that I need to sell myself more. That doesn't necessarily entail lying about things in a manipulative way, but it does mean framing my achievements in a more positive light. She has worked with some very senior people, and she said that those that get ahead are those that put themselves out there. So maybe it's not about becoming a good liar, but becoming a good salesperson. I guess I will put the lying thing aside for now, and focus more on selling myself.
"But anyway, how do people get away with it? If you are found out you lose people’s trust and it won’t get you the promotion or you may even get fired. And how can you not get found out when everyone you work with knows? Can you really get ahead by lying?"I think this is where the skill in lying would have to come in. You would have to pick things that aren't easily verifiable to lie about, and come up with a convincing story. Plus, you would have to count on dupes like me, who care more about getting the work done, than playing the whole political game. Plus, in a fairly large organisation, like the one that I work in, you can generally count on the segregated nature of the teams. The person that I mentioned is pretty much a laughing stock in my old team. Whenever his name is mentioned, people groan and ask what stupid thing he has done now. Some people have gone so far as to block him on our internal IM system. In his new team, which rarely interacts with my old team, it sounds like he is well-loved. The thing he took credit for, was something for my old team. When he moved teams, he told them about his wonderful work, and they didn't bother to fact-check it - and why would they? People trust each other.
" If you change your personality, you will naturally learn to lie. Would you change your personality to get ahead? Are you willing to sacrifice your integrity?"Back in vanilla WoW, discipline priests were generally rubbish compared to holy, but I was so determined to play a discipline priest, even though it wasn't the best. Raids were 40 people back then, so it really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I did the same thing in Cataclysm, despite how hard it was to do heroic dungeons. I was even kicked from a dungeon once, because I just couldn't sustain healing for long enough to kill the boss.
After that happened, I was too afraid to do another heroic. I queued for some of the easier ones, but avoided the one that I was kicked from and all the ones after it, like the plague. I read some forum posts on how to improve, and the general consensus was switch to holy. Even Meshu told me the same thing. But I refused. I had hit a brick wall. On one hand, I was proud of myself, for sticking to my guns and staying discipline despite how hard it was. On the other hand, I had limited myself from a majority of the end game. I couldn't bring myself to queue knowing that I'd be letting 4 other people down. But I kept thinking, this is so unfair - why can't I play the spec that I want and do things that everyone else can do?
It was actually DotA, or rather HoN which is what I was playing at the time, which made me realise that in a group, each person has a specific role. To do the best that you can do as a group, you need to fulfill the role that you agreed to play by choosing your hero. I remember when I used to get angry at the carry heroes who would yell at me to buy wards or upgrade the courier when I had no gold. I felt that if they wanted the wards, they could buy them themselves. (While I still think that if your support is doing so poorly that they can't afford wards, you should buy them, instead of getting ganked constantly and blaming the lack of vision, but that is another story.)
In short, I wasn't playing optimally. By choosing to do what I wanted, despite the huge amount of evidence showing that it wasn't the best, I was also letting 4 other people down. Sure, if I had the skill to make up for the sub-optimal spec, then it would have been fine, but I didn't, and I knew that, which is why I was so afraid to queue for the more difficult heroics. I do sometimes play silly builds in DotA, but for me, that's more of a training exercise than a conscious decision to prove a point. I wasn't gaining anything.
To answer the question, whether I would change my personality to get ahead, I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm not the person that I was last year - I go to the gym, I do yoga, I actually feel confident enough in my skills to argue with J about Java related stuff. I'm not even sure that I'm the same person I was two months ago. Personality theory is a bit undecided on whether people have a permanent personality anyway. And adaptation is always good. I know that I am dodging the question, and the fundamental question is, do I really want to go back on something that I value so highly? I don't, I really don't - which is probably why I am struggling with the whole thing. But I like to think that I am pretty rational, and it's hard to deny the evidence in support of lying to get ahead.
I seem to have picked up yet another mentor, and her advice is that I need to sell myself more. That doesn't necessarily entail lying about things in a manipulative way, but it does mean framing my achievements in a more positive light. She has worked with some very senior people, and she said that those that get ahead are those that put themselves out there. So maybe it's not about becoming a good liar, but becoming a good salesperson. I guess I will put the lying thing aside for now, and focus more on selling myself.
The Dark Path
Anyone who has known me for more than a few minutes probably knows that I have a huge stick up my ass about lying. That doesn't mean I'm some shining paragon of purity who has never lied in her life, but for the most part, I will generally avoid lying.
That being said, so many people have mentioned to me that I really need to get over myself. Lying is a natural part of life, and if I want to get anywhere, I need to learn to lie - everyone else does it, so it's really just leveling the playing field. So I said that at a friend's housewarming, I would practice, and pretend to be someone completely different to get better at lying. Seeing as most of the people there wouldn't know anything about me, it would be a good opportunity. But now that I've thought about it a bit more, it seems like a really stupid thing to do. What if I meet someone that I really like, and would like to become friends with? I'd either have to continue to be that fake person, or tell them the truth, and then their first impression of me would be that I'm a liar.
This has happened before. In first year, I joined a club and met some new people. A few of them played WoW, two were Alliance on Blackrock, and the other was Horde. The two Alliance players had never seen the Horde player in game, because this was back when there was no armory, and guilds were massive, so you could easily get away with claiming to be in a guild that you weren't. Also before realID, so they couldn't check if he was online. Anyway, so when I mentioned that I was Horde on Blackrock, the Alliance guys asked me to go and find their Horde friend. I thought nothing of it, and I agreed. So I asked to add the Horde guy to my friends list, and that's when he told me he wasn't Horde on Blackrock - he didn't even play the game! He told me not to tell the other guys, and I did it, but I always thought it was strange.
What did he gain from lying about playing a game that he didn't actually play? I guess maybe he would fit in a bit better with everyone else, but I got the impression that they already respected him a lot, so I didn't think that was the reason. Besides, he told them he was on the other faction, so it's not like they could play together. It was difficult enough hanging out with MrMan4 and we wanted to spend time together in game despite being opposite factions. Talking is limited to emotes (although I think back when 2-Alliance-1-Horde Hunt was going on, you could use /me [message] to actually talk to people, not sure if it was patched out before or after the series of events, but it was definitely in Vanilla WoW, so MrMan4 and I had no chance of talking in game).
Eventually, I asked Horde Guy why he did it, and he did it as a joke. I still find that explanation unsatisfactory, but maybe I just didn't get the punchline. It seems like a lot of effort to go through for so little gain. He'd have to research what all the fights are like, and the mechanics of his class in order to be able to hold a decent conversation about the game. How do you convince someone that your guild has cleared Molten Core if you've never even seen the place, much less participated in the fights?
Once I found out about the lie, I had a very hard time trusting him. We'd known each other for maybe a couple of weeks, and the first thing about him was this huge lie. This huge, confusing lie. We've known each other for years now, the stage where you'd expect to the trust level to be around 90%+, but I find that every now and again I have to stop myself and rethink whether he's lying to me.
When I meet new people, my default position is to trust them. Sure, if they're trying to tell me that they have a fool-proof plan to make millions, all they need is my credit card number and expiry, alarm bells will start ringing, but I think they are innocent until proven guilty. I'd like to think that people who meet me have the same expectation of me - that I'm trustworthy until proven otherwise. So I just want to repay that trust in me by not lying to people. I hate the thought that I could be someone else's Horde Guy, and that they feel like they can't always believe the things that I'm saying.
That's why I think learning to lie well is a dark path, it leads to people questioning your claims and your motives. But someone at work who I despise and think is incompetent got promoted recently. He has no problems with playing dirty. When I called him out on the fact that some of the stuff he said he did, he didn't actually do, he just shrugged it off and said that's how the game is played. During my performance review, one of the pieces of feedback someone said was, "It's was a pleasure to work with Anna... she has no hidden agenda. It is refreshing to have someone who says what they think." I actually thought it was a compliment, and I have a lot of respect for the guy who said it, but maybe he was subtly telling me to change. I mean, the fact that he finds it refreshing means that it's not the norm.
"...[he] was a brave man, honest and loyal … but quite a hopeless player.” He brought the seed to his mouth with the knife. “In King’s Landing, there are two sorts of people. The players and the pieces.”
Martin, George R. R. (2012-03-15). A Game of Thrones: The Story Continues: The complete 5 books (A Song of Ice and Fire) (Kindle Locations 44250-44252). HarperCollins Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Tuesday 29 October 2013
Mulanna
To say that I generally struggle to talk to the other females in the office is a bit of an understatement. When I first joined my team, I was invited to a "girl's lunch" where the topics ranged from weddings, to reality TV to children. I found myself unable to contribute very much to the conversation, and when I did say something, I felt a bit like I was being given the polite version of a confused stare. Given that I'm usually the only female developer in the room, I wonder if they're afraid that I'm going to start spouting 1s and 0s at them.
Now that my gym going efforts are starting to pay off, I've discovered the magic topic that I can associate with the other females in the office - fitness and weight loss. Though I'm not really interested in the crazy diets that some of the people in my office are into, I now know enough about the gym and food to be able to carry a decent conversation with people. I like knowing that I don't have to pretend to be interested in my phone when in a lift with someone I know.
Lately, a lot of people have been commenting on my appearance. At first, I just attributed it to the girly circle jerk that happens:
Not too long ago, Kalg came down and I joined him, Kat and Neverpie for breakfast. Kat mentioned that I'd never look like the waitress that was serving us, and that's when I started to have second thoughts about the fashion show. I've known Kat for so many years, and I have never seen him do the girly circle jerk. He has no reason to lie to be about something like that, so I feel like his comment is genuine, as opposed to the people at my office who like to be seen as friendly.
Still, the fateful fashion show was approaching, and I couldn't let AB down by pulling out, as she has done so much for me, and she is always pushing me to challenge myself and do things outside my comfort zone. So when the day came, I sat patiently when the make-up artist started painting my face. And again when the hair stylist was brushing my hair. But when I tried to slink back to my desk without being seen, I was caught by my boss and my fellow dev. My boss only got a quick glimpse before I hid behind my 23" monitors, but I couldn't hide from J who sits next to me.
I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face. It was a look of total horror. The last time I saw him make that look was when I mentioned that one of the grads from my year is working in a team that doesn't believe in source control. My boss tried to tell me that I looked nice, but it's hard to believe that when you get the J-No-Source-Control-Look-Of-Horror.
Despite the fact that I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and rub it all off, I persevered and made it through the fashion show (also without falling on my face despite wearing heels and a long gown - minor victory). Afterwards, a lot of people came up to tell me that I did a good job, but now I'm afraid. What if the painted face Anna is the one they like better now? It reminded me of that song in Mulan, where she looks in the mirror and sees her face with the make-up, and without.
Now that my gym going efforts are starting to pay off, I've discovered the magic topic that I can associate with the other females in the office - fitness and weight loss. Though I'm not really interested in the crazy diets that some of the people in my office are into, I now know enough about the gym and food to be able to carry a decent conversation with people. I like knowing that I don't have to pretend to be interested in my phone when in a lift with someone I know.
Lately, a lot of people have been commenting on my appearance. At first, I just attributed it to the girly circle jerk that happens:
Female A: Oh, wow, I love your jacket!But someone on my floor, who I barely know except as one of the fellow fire wardens, said something as well, so when AB asked me to join her in the social committee fashion show, I eventually relented and said yes.
Female B: Thanks! I really like the colour of your skirt, where did you get it?
Female A: I got it online, I'm a bit worried about the size though, it's a bit smaller than I thought it would be. Need to lose some weight so that I don't have to suck my stomach in whenever I wear it.
Female B: No way, you're so skinny, it really looks good on you!
Not too long ago, Kalg came down and I joined him, Kat and Neverpie for breakfast. Kat mentioned that I'd never look like the waitress that was serving us, and that's when I started to have second thoughts about the fashion show. I've known Kat for so many years, and I have never seen him do the girly circle jerk. He has no reason to lie to be about something like that, so I feel like his comment is genuine, as opposed to the people at my office who like to be seen as friendly.
Still, the fateful fashion show was approaching, and I couldn't let AB down by pulling out, as she has done so much for me, and she is always pushing me to challenge myself and do things outside my comfort zone. So when the day came, I sat patiently when the make-up artist started painting my face. And again when the hair stylist was brushing my hair. But when I tried to slink back to my desk without being seen, I was caught by my boss and my fellow dev. My boss only got a quick glimpse before I hid behind my 23" monitors, but I couldn't hide from J who sits next to me.
I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face. It was a look of total horror. The last time I saw him make that look was when I mentioned that one of the grads from my year is working in a team that doesn't believe in source control. My boss tried to tell me that I looked nice, but it's hard to believe that when you get the J-No-Source-Control-Look-Of-Horror.
Despite the fact that I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and rub it all off, I persevered and made it through the fashion show (also without falling on my face despite wearing heels and a long gown - minor victory). Afterwards, a lot of people came up to tell me that I did a good job, but now I'm afraid. What if the painted face Anna is the one they like better now? It reminded me of that song in Mulan, where she looks in the mirror and sees her face with the make-up, and without.
The painted face being the person that the people around her want to be, and the unpainted face being the person that she wants to be. I have a photo from the night on my phone, but I haven't looked at it yet. I'm not sure if I'll like the person in the photo, or if I'll have the J-No-Source-Control-Look-Of-Horror. I also haven't been back at work since the night, so I haven't had to face anybody yet. Hopefully it'll all have blown over by now, and everyone will have forgotten.
Definitely on the list of first-world problems, but I wish that I could trust someone to give me an honest opinion, but I think that people like me too much to want to hurt me. I can't tell honest opinion from a white lie. Someone on Reddit said that the best way to learn to spot a lie is to become a good liar yourself. Do I want to go down that dark road?
Monday 9 September 2013
Well Played!
Russians players have a reputation for being bad at Dota - at least on the Dota 2 subreddit, which is English based, so maybe a bit biased. I don't know if it has just become a meme, like how people will start a chain of "Hodor" comments, or the tree-fiddy stories, but there are so many comment threads complaining about them. Whenever someone calls them out, and points out that it's unfair to lump a trait to an entire country of people, the usual reply is something along the lines of, "It's not that they're bad, it's that they don't speak English, and it's really important to be able to communicate with your teammates in a game like Dota, so please stop downvoting me, I'm not racist". I agree completely with the communication aspect of it - playing is so much easier when you can talk to your team, especially with voice chat, rather than typing.
But Russia isn't the only country where Dota 2 is popular, but English isn't the main language. It is ridiculously popular in China, but Chinese players don't seem to have the same stigma. While some people do complain about them, the complaint is almost always about the lack of English speaking skills, not their skill at the game.
I've played 841 games, and I don't get raged at very often. So I thought I'd see what life was like as a Russian. Although my Steam profile says that I'm from Kenya, I don't think anyone would really bother to check. I changed my name to Андрей (Andrei) and restricted myself to the chat wheel options and "ty". I think my numerous blog posts are enough to say that I understand English, and so any rage that was directed at me for "being Russian" wouldn't be able to hide behind the excuse that they were only angry because I didn't understand English.
I didn't want to go overboard and have some stock Russian phrases to paste into chat, because that felt a bit like entrapment - "Of course I assumed you don't speak English, noob, because if you did, why would you be talking in Russian when there are English players on your team?"
I didn't want to go overboard and have some stock Russian phrases to paste into chat, because that felt a bit like entrapment - "Of course I assumed you don't speak English, noob, because if you did, why would you be talking in Russian when there are English players on your team?"
To be honest, that was the hardest part of the experiment. I couldn't even say the other team has a gem, or my ultimate is up in X seconds, or any kind of helpful info. Everything had to be communicated via chat wheel or pings and lines drawn on the map. I actually started to feel sorry for the players who have been muted from being reported, but then I remembered that they got reported for being dicks in the first place.
Here's the summary of my 28 games as Андрей:
| Game ID | Outcome | Mode | Hero | Kills | Deaths | Assists | Comments | Party Size |
| 293128419 | Defeat | AR | Qop | 6 | 7 | 13 | Some abuse from Slardar and Naga, although that seemed more to do with how I played QoP than to do with being Russian | 1 |
| 293164350 | Victory | RD | Tide | 3 | 1 | 13 | 1 | |
| 293190815 | Victory | AR | Batrider | 4 | 4 | 12 | 2 | |
| 293218817 | Victory | RD | Kotl | 5 | 6 | 10 | 2 | |
| 293546861 | Defeat | AR | Shadow Shaman | 3 | 7 | 10 | 2 | |
| 293596156 | Victory | RD | Dazzle | 5 | 2 | 16 | 2 | |
| 293648248 | Defeat | RD | Warlock | 6 | 8 | 10 | 2 | |
| 293735223 | Defeat | AR | Pugna | 2 | 11 | 5 | Lots of abuse from Alchemist, but no R word. He kept asking for wards even though there were none in stock. | 3 |
| 293789098 | Victory | SD | Darkseer | 3 | 0 | 11 | 3 | |
| 294438705 | Defeat | RD | Treant Protector | 1 | 3 | 3 | 4 | |
| 294464318 | Victory | SD | Timbersaw | 17 | 3 | 18 | 4 | |
| 294495964 | Defeat | AR | Rubick | 4 | 8 | 11 | 2 | |
| 294540176 | Defeat | RD | Bane | 5 | 10 | 17 | 1 | |
| 295844788 | Victory | SD | Witch Doctor | 12 | 4 | 11 | 2 | |
| 295930079 | Victory | RD | Slardar | 4 | 5 | 13 | 2 | |
| 299015107 | Leaver | AR | Anti-Mage | 1 | 0 | 0 | Sand King left during the picking phase. | 3 |
| 299032634 | Victory | SD | Nature's Prophet | 5 | 6 | 15 | 4 | |
| 301521856 | Victory | AR | Lina | 8 | 6 | 15 | Razor and Luna raged at “Team China” (me, omni, es), though to be fair, we could have played better. | 1 |
| 302220050 | Defeat | LP | Darkseer | 2 | 3 | 15 | Rage from Drow (non-Russian rage). Complained I didn't use my mek even though I did (it was on CD) | 1 |
| 302255230 | Defeat | AR | Outworld Devourer | 6 | 7 | 10 | 1 | |
| 302290480 | Victory | AP | Crystal Maiden | 6 | 1 | 12 | 4 | |
| 302314816 | Victory | AP | Rubick | 5 | 4 | 19 | 5 | |
| 302355250 | Defeat | AP | Drow Ranger | 12 | 10 | 17 | 4 | |
| 302694860 | Leaver | RD | Disruptor | 1 | 2 | 6 | Zeus abandoned mid-game | 1 |
| 302977800 | Victory | AP | Slardar | 7 | 4 | 11 | 1 | |
| 303037167 | Victory | RD | Warlock | 5 | 4 | 12 | 2 | |
| 303096721 | Leaver | RD | Windrunner | 1 | 1 | 2 | Riki left early game after calling his team a “fider team” | 2 |
| 303123201 | Victory | SD | Puck | 1 | 1 | 10 | 2 |
I recorded party size because friends will rarely rage at me (I think Charles is the only exception), so larger party means less likelihood of rage. :( I recorded the party size 5 game, because I was playing with a co-worker's friends, so I thought they might rage at me, especially because we were in the low-priority queue. But my co-worker dropped the G-bomb, after someone asked who "the Russian dude" was, and they were all super nice to me after that.
Out of the games, there was really only one game (301521856) with rage that wasn't based on me playing badly:
For some reason, despite the Cyrillic letters in my name, Luna (brown) was convinced that I was Chinese. ES (pink) and Omni were speaking in Chinese, but I didn't say anything.
I kinda wished that I played carry rather than support, because I'm thinking one of the reasons there was so little rage is because I did what supports are meant to do - ward, stack, pull, gank, buy the courier. You don't really need to be able to communicate to do four of those things. Whereas carries need to be able to say, "GTFO of my lane", "Stop stealing my kills", "I need to farm a little longer". It seems like a silent carry is more rage inducing than a silent support since they'll go off and do their own thing and it'll look like they're ignoring everyone else.
The Pugna game (293735223) nearly made me break my vow of silence. Alchemist kept saying "We need wards!", but there were none left to buy. I wanted so badly to just tell him to look at the shop and see there were none left, but I couldn't. He kept getting ganked because he would walk out with no river vision, and that just made him spam "We need wards!" even more, and start abusing me over voice chat. :( Although, in my defense, I think some of those deaths were his fault. He didn't put any points into his stun until level 10.
Olek and Julian say that I probably didn't get much rage because there aren't many Russian players on the Australian servers. I was tempted to try my luck on the US West servers, but after a game we played with Sumeet, I don't think I could go back to that kind of ping. So any rage that came my way might be because I played badly, not necessarily because of the Russian name.
Time to retire Андрей for now. It was kinda fun pretending to be someone else.
Out of the games, there was really only one game (301521856) with rage that wasn't based on me playing badly:
For some reason, despite the Cyrillic letters in my name, Luna (brown) was convinced that I was Chinese. ES (pink) and Omni were speaking in Chinese, but I didn't say anything.
I kinda wished that I played carry rather than support, because I'm thinking one of the reasons there was so little rage is because I did what supports are meant to do - ward, stack, pull, gank, buy the courier. You don't really need to be able to communicate to do four of those things. Whereas carries need to be able to say, "GTFO of my lane", "Stop stealing my kills", "I need to farm a little longer". It seems like a silent carry is more rage inducing than a silent support since they'll go off and do their own thing and it'll look like they're ignoring everyone else.
The Pugna game (293735223) nearly made me break my vow of silence. Alchemist kept saying "We need wards!", but there were none left to buy. I wanted so badly to just tell him to look at the shop and see there were none left, but I couldn't. He kept getting ganked because he would walk out with no river vision, and that just made him spam "We need wards!" even more, and start abusing me over voice chat. :( Although, in my defense, I think some of those deaths were his fault. He didn't put any points into his stun until level 10.
Olek and Julian say that I probably didn't get much rage because there aren't many Russian players on the Australian servers. I was tempted to try my luck on the US West servers, but after a game we played with Sumeet, I don't think I could go back to that kind of ping. So any rage that came my way might be because I played badly, not necessarily because of the Russian name.
Time to retire Андрей for now. It was kinda fun pretending to be someone else.
Monday 8 April 2013
In Search of Perfection (On a Budget): Bangers and Mash
I just discovered Heston Blumenthal's In Search of Perfection series, and one of the videos that has been uploaded to Vimeo is his episode featuring bangers and mash (and treacle tarts, but I have no idea what they are, so I didn't bother to watch that far - warning, this video is 29 minutes long).
That video was one of the first times I watched a cooking video and thought, "Hey, I can probably do that!", in conjunction with, "Hey, I'd definitely eat that!" Well, ignoring the part where he makes his own sausages, because I don't really have the desire to own a sausage maker (or stuff my own sausage skin), so I cheated and just bought some pork sausages from the supermarket. The packaging said they were gourmet though, and they had fennel and Italian herbs! I also didn't have the pig fat or sausage meat to add to the gravy, so my onion gravy was more of an onion sauce.
So this is what I was aiming for:
This is what I ended up with:
Not exactly perfection, but here's what I did, and what I think I'll improve on next time:
The sausages
Heston's method to cook the sausages is to poach them for 10 minutes (Google says that just means to put them in a pot of boiling water), then lightly fry them in a pan. Someone commented that there's nothing more unappealing than a pale grey sausage, and I definitely agree. So I fried them for a little longer to try and make them more brown, but I think because I tried to fry them all at once, they didn't all manage to cook evenly, and so some were more brown than others. I might try doing a few at a time in the future.
Taste-wise though, I think the method is great. The sausages were moist and tasty, and I didn't have to cut any in half to check that they were cooked. Plus, the light frying at the end meant they weren't super oily at the end. I also didn't poke holes in any of them, and wasn't worried about them exploding on me - and they didn't.
The potatoes
Heston's method is to bake the potatoes at 180 degrees, for 1-1.5 hours, depending on the size of your potatoes. He said 4 large potatoes, so when I went to the supermarket, I picked the 4 biggest potatoes I can find. But really, saying 4 large potatoes is so unhelpful. Turns out the potatoes I bought were a bit too big, so there were some uncooked chunks of potato, but overall it was OK.
After the potatoes have been baked, you cut them in half and scoop the insides into a bowl. Add butter, pepper and 100ml of hot milk, and then mash it all together. I substituted Nutlex for the butter, and soy milk for the hot milk, which is why my mash looks kinda pale compared to his, but I have to say, it was incredibly creamy. Possibly the best mash I've ever had. Protip: Don't try to be efficient and grind the pepper into the bowl while you wait for the potatoes to bake; all it does is leave a huge patch of pepper at the bottom of the bowl after you add the potato in, and it's really difficult to mix it in! Grind the pepper into a different bowl!
The Onion Gravy
I was a bit hesitant about this, because I wasn't really a gravy person (until I saw a gravy boat shaped like the genie's lamp in Aladdin at DisneySea), and I think sausages are just an excuse to eat tomato sauce, but I figured if I was going to try doing this, I had to do the whole thing.
Heston's method is to take 100-150g of pork skin (the fatty part) and 400g of the sausage meat he made earlier (I can't be bothered listing the ingredients, watch the video if you want to know), and fry on medium heat for about 10 minutes, stirring regularly. In a pressure cooker, caramelise 6 onions, with 2 star anise. Remove half and save for later. Empty the pork and meat into the pressure cooker, and use some water to help scrape the bits that got stuck to the pan. Add enough water to cover the onions + rest, and cook in the pressure cooker for an hour. Add in the onions you put aside earlier, and a few drops of sherry vinegar. Rub 3 sage leaves to remove the oils, then chuck it in the pot to infuse.
My method: Cut 2 brown onions into long, thin pieces and caramelise (lightly fry over a low heat for around 30 mins). Add a cup of chicken stock. Simmer until it thickens to your desired consistency. Add a tablespoon of plain flour if it needs some help. Done.
I didn't caramelise the onions for long enough, so they weren't brown and sticky, but they were still nice and soft. So I added 1.5 cups of water, after adding the stock, to let it boil a little longer so they became more squishy.
I was surprised at how good the onion gravy tasted. I think that was the hardest part for me: not adding tomato sauce to my sausages. Will try this again in a month or two and try to get a hold of Heston's other episodes so I can go through his other meals.
That video was one of the first times I watched a cooking video and thought, "Hey, I can probably do that!", in conjunction with, "Hey, I'd definitely eat that!" Well, ignoring the part where he makes his own sausages, because I don't really have the desire to own a sausage maker (or stuff my own sausage skin), so I cheated and just bought some pork sausages from the supermarket. The packaging said they were gourmet though, and they had fennel and Italian herbs! I also didn't have the pig fat or sausage meat to add to the gravy, so my onion gravy was more of an onion sauce.
So this is what I was aiming for:
This is what I ended up with:
Not exactly perfection, but here's what I did, and what I think I'll improve on next time:
The sausages
Heston's method to cook the sausages is to poach them for 10 minutes (Google says that just means to put them in a pot of boiling water), then lightly fry them in a pan. Someone commented that there's nothing more unappealing than a pale grey sausage, and I definitely agree. So I fried them for a little longer to try and make them more brown, but I think because I tried to fry them all at once, they didn't all manage to cook evenly, and so some were more brown than others. I might try doing a few at a time in the future.
Taste-wise though, I think the method is great. The sausages were moist and tasty, and I didn't have to cut any in half to check that they were cooked. Plus, the light frying at the end meant they weren't super oily at the end. I also didn't poke holes in any of them, and wasn't worried about them exploding on me - and they didn't.
The potatoes
Heston's method is to bake the potatoes at 180 degrees, for 1-1.5 hours, depending on the size of your potatoes. He said 4 large potatoes, so when I went to the supermarket, I picked the 4 biggest potatoes I can find. But really, saying 4 large potatoes is so unhelpful. Turns out the potatoes I bought were a bit too big, so there were some uncooked chunks of potato, but overall it was OK.
After the potatoes have been baked, you cut them in half and scoop the insides into a bowl. Add butter, pepper and 100ml of hot milk, and then mash it all together. I substituted Nutlex for the butter, and soy milk for the hot milk, which is why my mash looks kinda pale compared to his, but I have to say, it was incredibly creamy. Possibly the best mash I've ever had. Protip: Don't try to be efficient and grind the pepper into the bowl while you wait for the potatoes to bake; all it does is leave a huge patch of pepper at the bottom of the bowl after you add the potato in, and it's really difficult to mix it in! Grind the pepper into a different bowl!
The Onion Gravy
I was a bit hesitant about this, because I wasn't really a gravy person (until I saw a gravy boat shaped like the genie's lamp in Aladdin at DisneySea), and I think sausages are just an excuse to eat tomato sauce, but I figured if I was going to try doing this, I had to do the whole thing.
Heston's method is to take 100-150g of pork skin (the fatty part) and 400g of the sausage meat he made earlier (I can't be bothered listing the ingredients, watch the video if you want to know), and fry on medium heat for about 10 minutes, stirring regularly. In a pressure cooker, caramelise 6 onions, with 2 star anise. Remove half and save for later. Empty the pork and meat into the pressure cooker, and use some water to help scrape the bits that got stuck to the pan. Add enough water to cover the onions + rest, and cook in the pressure cooker for an hour. Add in the onions you put aside earlier, and a few drops of sherry vinegar. Rub 3 sage leaves to remove the oils, then chuck it in the pot to infuse.
My method: Cut 2 brown onions into long, thin pieces and caramelise (lightly fry over a low heat for around 30 mins). Add a cup of chicken stock. Simmer until it thickens to your desired consistency. Add a tablespoon of plain flour if it needs some help. Done.
I didn't caramelise the onions for long enough, so they weren't brown and sticky, but they were still nice and soft. So I added 1.5 cups of water, after adding the stock, to let it boil a little longer so they became more squishy.
I was surprised at how good the onion gravy tasted. I think that was the hardest part for me: not adding tomato sauce to my sausages. Will try this again in a month or two and try to get a hold of Heston's other episodes so I can go through his other meals.
Sunday 27 January 2013
TVM
I grew up poor, but my parents never made me feel that way. It's just small things that I remember now that all add up. Like how my parents almost never gave us money to buy lunch at school, and my friend Rebecca would always buy me something from the tuck shop. Or how when we went to see George of the Jungle, for Joanna's birthday, and all the other kids handed her mother money for their ticket, and I didn't know what to do since I didn't have any, but she just came up to me and said she had a 2-for-1 ticket voucher that I could use. We had consoles and games, because my dad loves them, but most of our toys and clothes were hand-me-downs. Even my primary school uniform - I was forced to join the same house as my cousin so I could wear his old sports uniform.
But as I said, I never felt like there was anything that I really wanted, but couldn't have - so we can't have been that poor. I had tennis lessons, swimming lessons, piano lessons, karate lessons, all while living in commission housing. I don't know how they managed, but I realise now that my parents must have given up a lot to be able to provide all of those things for us. We never went on holidays, and very rarely ate out at restaurants.
I think that growing up like that has meant that I never really learned to appreciate things like fine dining, or high fashion. Give me a place to sleep, food to eat, and something to occupy my mind and that's all I really want. But things have changed since I was in primary school. Even though my family's financial situation hasn't improved that much, mine certainly has. Work at the supermarket saw my income increase from nothing to around $100-200 per week. Work at the casino saw it increase even more. And then the bank even more. I remember Graham telling me that it's very difficult to keep your spending at the same level as your previous income once your income increases. However, I've found that my personal spending as probably gone down compared to how much I spent in my supermarket days. Well, that's if you don't count rent.
Looking only at the things I buy for myself (so ignoring joint/household stuff like rent, internet bills), my weekly expenses come to something like: $50 for lunch at work, $18 for gym membership, $15 for my phone bill and $3 for my World of Warcraft subscription (which I'll probably cancel now that MrMan5.5 and Olek have lost interest). Every now and again, I'll buy myself a DVD of whichever show happens to catch my fancy.
Given that I definitely have the means to be spending more than I am, why is it that I've suddenly become so frugal? A part of it is that I don't really have the energy or time to do any shopping. Working 40+ hour weeks means that when I'm not working, I just want to relax, and I've never understood the appeal of retail therapy - you're even more tired from all the shopping, and all the more poorer for it.
But the biggest part of it is that every dollar that I spend is one less dollar going towards buying a house. My ultimate goal in life is to be able to buy a house for my parents so that they don't have to pay rent or live in commission housing anymore. My motivation for that is pretty childish, but it's something that has taken root in my mind, and being the control freak that I am, it's one of the few things I feel like I can do to fix things with my parents.
I can't remember how long ago it was now, but my parents had a huge fight. Bigger than any fight I have ever seen them have. My mum ran out of the house and she was standing in the car park across from our house crying. Over and over again, she kept asking why my dad didn't go to university (when it was free), why my dad didn't buy a house, why my dad didn't get a better job like his other siblings did. My grandfather (my dad's dad) was actually quite well off for a while, but a few bad business decisions and it all went down the drain. My aunts and uncles took that time to go to university and buy houses, but my dad decided to travel the world instead. So when my dad came back to marry my mum, he had nothing.
I don't blame my dad for what he did - how could I when I had a happy childhood and never wanted for anything? At times I even wondered if I was a spoiled brat. But I know my mum resents him for it. I can't make my dad go back to university (and it's definitely not free anymore), and I doubt I'd be able to get him a high-paying office job before he hits the retirement age, but I feel like if I'm able to buy them a house, then maybe mum won't resent him as much and they'll be happier.
I want to do for them, because they won't accept any other forms of financial aid from me. So I haven't told them about my goal, because I know they'll tell me that I shouldn't worry about them. But it helps me stay fairly frugal since the one thing I've learned from my intro to finance course is that compound interest is a very powerful force, and that every cent makes a difference.
But as I said, I never felt like there was anything that I really wanted, but couldn't have - so we can't have been that poor. I had tennis lessons, swimming lessons, piano lessons, karate lessons, all while living in commission housing. I don't know how they managed, but I realise now that my parents must have given up a lot to be able to provide all of those things for us. We never went on holidays, and very rarely ate out at restaurants.
I think that growing up like that has meant that I never really learned to appreciate things like fine dining, or high fashion. Give me a place to sleep, food to eat, and something to occupy my mind and that's all I really want. But things have changed since I was in primary school. Even though my family's financial situation hasn't improved that much, mine certainly has. Work at the supermarket saw my income increase from nothing to around $100-200 per week. Work at the casino saw it increase even more. And then the bank even more. I remember Graham telling me that it's very difficult to keep your spending at the same level as your previous income once your income increases. However, I've found that my personal spending as probably gone down compared to how much I spent in my supermarket days. Well, that's if you don't count rent.
Looking only at the things I buy for myself (so ignoring joint/household stuff like rent, internet bills), my weekly expenses come to something like: $50 for lunch at work, $18 for gym membership, $15 for my phone bill and $3 for my World of Warcraft subscription (which I'll probably cancel now that MrMan5.5 and Olek have lost interest). Every now and again, I'll buy myself a DVD of whichever show happens to catch my fancy.
Given that I definitely have the means to be spending more than I am, why is it that I've suddenly become so frugal? A part of it is that I don't really have the energy or time to do any shopping. Working 40+ hour weeks means that when I'm not working, I just want to relax, and I've never understood the appeal of retail therapy - you're even more tired from all the shopping, and all the more poorer for it.
But the biggest part of it is that every dollar that I spend is one less dollar going towards buying a house. My ultimate goal in life is to be able to buy a house for my parents so that they don't have to pay rent or live in commission housing anymore. My motivation for that is pretty childish, but it's something that has taken root in my mind, and being the control freak that I am, it's one of the few things I feel like I can do to fix things with my parents.
I can't remember how long ago it was now, but my parents had a huge fight. Bigger than any fight I have ever seen them have. My mum ran out of the house and she was standing in the car park across from our house crying. Over and over again, she kept asking why my dad didn't go to university (when it was free), why my dad didn't buy a house, why my dad didn't get a better job like his other siblings did. My grandfather (my dad's dad) was actually quite well off for a while, but a few bad business decisions and it all went down the drain. My aunts and uncles took that time to go to university and buy houses, but my dad decided to travel the world instead. So when my dad came back to marry my mum, he had nothing.
I don't blame my dad for what he did - how could I when I had a happy childhood and never wanted for anything? At times I even wondered if I was a spoiled brat. But I know my mum resents him for it. I can't make my dad go back to university (and it's definitely not free anymore), and I doubt I'd be able to get him a high-paying office job before he hits the retirement age, but I feel like if I'm able to buy them a house, then maybe mum won't resent him as much and they'll be happier.
I want to do for them, because they won't accept any other forms of financial aid from me. So I haven't told them about my goal, because I know they'll tell me that I shouldn't worry about them. But it helps me stay fairly frugal since the one thing I've learned from my intro to finance course is that compound interest is a very powerful force, and that every cent makes a difference.
Friday 4 January 2013
Let the Wookie Win?
Julian:
3:58 PM ronnie, some other guys and I were at a friends house
and we owned him
and he banned me from playing
and said I needed the glasses of something (a card which let you see other people's decks) to look at any of the cards
3:59 PM me: hahaha
never went back?
Julian: I'm not sure when we stopped being friends
4:00 PM but it wouldn't surprise me if it was that night
haha
gotta let some people win
me: do you think that's bad in the end though? Reinforces the fact that if they rage, they will win (even if it means people let them win)
4:01 PM a bit like giving in to the customers that yell until you give them a discount
Julian: nah you gotta let them win
without them realising you let them win
or what's the point
so then there's no reinforcement
me: surely they must know deep down
Julian: that depends on you
4:02 PM I think I can be convincing
me: unlikely that you will go from getting owned to winning
unless it's a luck based game
Julian: most competitive people have big egos
so they can convince themselves you got lucky before
4:03 PM or they improved fast
whatever story they want to make
- discussing this thread, "What is the funniest instance of "rage quitting" you have ever experienced?"
I'm of two minds about the whole letting people win thing. I'm fairly sure that people have let me win in the past, especially when I was a child. I was also a pretty sore loser in my earlier teen years, but I don't think many people let me win then. All that came from being a sore loser or a bad winner was that people didn't really want to play with me and I never got the chance to play the games I liked. So over time, I learned to take wins and losses graciously (or at least I think I do).
One thing that this helps me do, is that in "srs business" (to quote darkpast) games like DotA 2, I am less likely to blame others for losses, without attributing specific things that I think that did/didn't do. This avoids the unhelpful, "YOU'RE A NOOB FEEDER, GO UNINSTALL AND HANG YOURSELF" comments. And it also means I can look at things that I need to improve in my own play style.
We played a game with darkpast today, and he copped a lot of abuse from our two other teammates because he's new to the game and we lost. Olek had a good reply, in that if they were being matched in the same game as darkpast they can't be very highly skilled either. It's something that has never occured to me, and I think it's something that gets forgotten in the heat of the moment. I've been in a lot of games where someone is complaining in All chat (always All chat, never team chat, for some reason), that they are always put in a team with noobs. Some people might be over/underrated while they're still new and the matchmaking system hasn't found an accurate rating for them yet, but if this happens to you game after game after game, don't you eventually think that this might be because this is your skill level?
I messed up this post, as I'm starting my anecdote now, rather than at the start. =(
I think one of the turning points in my relationship with AG was when I brought my PS2 over to his house for a games night. We ended up playing a DDR-type game with dance mats, which he had never played before, and I had obviously played it as I owned it. So of course I beat him. And kept beating him. He started to get really worked up, and even his housemate was looking a bit worried that he was going to explode. So I managed to score a little less than him in the next game and suddenly he was so happy. He wanted to keep playing because he "got it" now, but I said I was tired and didn't want to play anymore.
It doesn't make sense to me at all why he thought he'd be able to beat me at DDR. He thought that gaming (with the exception of chess) was a huge waste of time, but knew that it was something that I put a lot of time into. It would be like if I challenged a professional archer to an archery competition. I would have no illusions about winning. Although now that I think about it, he probably either thought that even though I spend a lot of time playing games, I am bad at it, or that he's just so much better than me that even though he lacks the hours of experience that I have, he can find the "secret" that will let him beat me. To be honest, either of those justifications aren't very positive.
By letting him win, did I just reinforce in his mind that there is some "secret" or that I only got lucky the first few times? What is going to happen if he takes another girl out and tries to impress her with his mad DDR skillz only to fall flat on his face at an arcade because fail mode is turned on? OK, I'll admit that it doesn't hurt to be a winner - it feels good, in fact! I am not saying I advocate not letting someone win for purely selfless and enlightened reasons.
I advocate not letting someone win because I believe learning to lose is an important life skill. Unless you are blessed in life, chances are something will not go your way. You can accept it and work with it/around it, or start screaming like a child and end up on r/TalesFromRetail where you might have gotten your way, but you've gone about it in a way that makes everyone around you feel terrible.
As an aside, I think that working in retail or hospitality really gives you a good perspective on how not to treat other people like crap. Or at least how not to treat other retail or hospitality workers like crap.
Back to the topic, I haven't addressed the letting ragers win part. Obviously, if you think the person is going to go completely crazy and maybe stab you or something like that, then let them (the wookie) win. If you think that they are irrational ragers who constantly blame others, and look like they will never learn, let them win or lose, it doesn't matter, but slowly edge them out of your gaming circle. I've found that once I stopped playing with Baddie #1, my overall gaming experience has gotten better. Sometimes he still gets invited because one of my friends seems to enjoy playing with him, and I am zen. I let it wash away, get it over and done with, and move on. Working full time really makes you appreciate what little time you have left to have fun, and I really don't want to waste too much of it thinking about rager friends. Maybe if they ever stop to realise that nobody wants to play with them anymore, they will change their ways, but I really doubt it.
Reasons not to let people win:
- It gives them a false idea of their skill level
- their incorrectly perceived skill level may lead to them embarrassing themselves in front of others
- once they believe that they are "pro" their mind will start to close to advice from people they perceive as "noobs"
- They never learn to lose graciously
- Your own fun will be diminished because you have to worry about playing convincingly, but still lose (which you can see as a challenge to your own skill, but I think it won't be fun for very long)
- They will pick up bad habits
- Neurotic people like me start to get self-conscious - did I really win, or did they just let me win?
Reasons to let people win:
- If they never win, they may lose interest in the game and stop playing
- on this note, maybe rather than letting them win, just don't beat them as crushingly as you possibly can?
- It makes them feel good
- this might actually improve their performance once they aren't worrying so much about being bad
- They are your significant other
- if you beat them at a game, they will be sad and beat you elsewhere... (no, this isn't a reference to me! I'll admit, when Nev had his "Ask Nevhan" thing on his blog, I asked him what it was like to date a gamer, because I wanted to know if that happened, but he dodged my question - his reply was to ask who asked that question)
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