In July last year, MrMan5.5 put a dead spider on my sister as a joke, and she completely freaked out and got really angry at him. Not long afterwards, she stopped talking to me. For some unknown reason, she started talking to me again a few months later, and everything was back to normal, she seemed to have forgiven MrMan5.5, and all was good. Then at the start of this year, I was leaving to go to MrMan5.5's beach house with Sharon and Graham and while I was in the shower, I heard Anjelica asking my mum why MrMan5.5 was here so often. Mum replied that it was because he was my boyfriend, so it was understandable that we'd want to spend a lot of time together. After I got out, I confronted Anjelica and asked her why she didn't want him here, and she said that she was still angry about the whole spider thing. It had been over 6 months since the spider thing happened, and I thought that was a stupidly long time to hold a grudge, so I raged at her and then left with MrMan5.5. We stopped talking again. A couple of months ago, mum told me that the fact that Anjelica and I weren't talking to each other was causing her a lot of stress, partly because Anjelica was having trouble with her schoolwork, and mum had planned for me to help her with Year 12, so I went to Anjelica and tried to work things out with her, but she didn't want to. We're still not talking.
Not long ago, she started complaining about MrMan5.5 being over and the fact that we make too much noise and she has trouble sleeping at night, so I asked him to stop coming over. Last night, we went to see a movie, and as it finished so late I suggested he stay at my house so that he wouldn't have to wake up as early to go to work the next day. We didn't make any noise, and went to bed as soon as we got home, yet, she still woke up and started yelling and screaming that she couldn't live like this anymore, and ran off. Dad went to get her, but I decided that it would probably be better if I didn't live with my family anymore, so now I'm temporarily staying with MrMan5.5's family until I find somewhere else, I guess. I told mum that I would go home and try to talk things over, but considering the hours that I work, it's impossible for me not to come home late, and seeing as she is in her final year of high school and trying to get into uni, it's unfair to her if I make so much noise coming home at 4AM.
To be honest, I was mostly in a shock last night after I left my house. I was reminded of those team-building exercises they make you do where they have a list of items, and they put you in a situation like there's a bush fire approaching your house and you have to leave, what would you take with you? I know it's not the same, as it's not like I won't be able to go home, but it also kinda felt like I had to pack the rest of my life into two bags, and I thought I would be more sentimental, but I didn't take any photo albums or the box of every Christmas card, birthday card and personal letter I've ever received. All I took were clothes, chargers for my phone and PSP, DVDs, toiletries and uni stuff. I think part of me is still hoping that after all of this blows over, I can just go back home and everything will be back to normal, but the rational part of me is scared that now that I've done this, I'll never be welcome in my home again. I'm really relieved that MrMan5.5's parents are OK with me staying at their house though.
A few months ago, I told my mum that the only graduate position I applied for was in Canberra. She got really upset saying that I was leaving my family behind and that I didn't care about them, and started yelling at me. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the only reason
that was the only job I applied for was because I had been too slack and that the other deadlines for applications for jobs I was interested in or qualified for had passed and this was the only job left. =/ She would probably just have yelled at me more anyway. But that was when I started thinking about moving out, and how I would go about it. I imagined spending months trying to find the right place to live, going to inspections and fighting with other potential renters. Going out and looking at furniture and buying all the crap that you take for granted as being in your house like a fridge, washing machine and dryer. Having a housewarming where your friends get to Christen your new house with vomit all over the carpet.
I guess I understand how Korsair feels now. I thought about moving out with him the first time he told me he had been kicked out, but it wouldn't work, seeing as he needs to live away from the city, and I need to live close to it, for work and uni. I mentioned in the past that Graham has wanted me to move out with him, but he has moved in with friends recently, so that wouldn't work. I could live alone, but I don't really think I could afford it, and even shifts at work have started becoming mainly just weekend shifts, with people fighting over any spare shifts on other days.
Speaking of work, seeing as my incredible graduate applications (that really shouldn't be plural, but it makes me feel better) have turned up nothing, and my career as a student is coming to an end at the end of this semester, I've been thinking about whether I want to keep working as a dealer. I know for sure now that given the choice, I'm definitely going to pick poker over baccarat even if it means players will pee on me, because I can wash pee off, but the guilt of taking enough money to buy myself a new house in one hand is something I don't think I can get over so easily. I told Matty my reasoning and he said that if I had such a guilty conscience, then I'm working in the wrong place.
It's kinda strange that when I first started, I hated it when people won a lot of money at my table, it meant so much more work for me. I knew 1, 2, 3 x 17 and 35 off the top of my head, but anything higher than that required mental dexterity that I hadn't yet achieved, and so it was a strain. I was also more of a section spinner and didn't know how to get out of the zero-section, so "Zero Gamers" would flock to my table and crowd around like crazy. Now I can usually work out most payouts in a second, and the huge towering stack of chips isn't daunting anymore, but I can't seem to section spin anymore, and so the ball goes all over the place, making my newfound mathematical abilities kinda useless. Contrary to their beliefs, I want them to win, and it's really hard seeing people who look like my grandma losing a pile of chips just because my ball went haywire.
I miss my computer, I really want to play WoW, TF2 and HoN, but I had to leave my computer at home because I share it with Amanda and dad, and it wouldn't be fair to Alex to take it with me. Speaking of Alex, I bought him a G15 keyboard for his 21st, but so far, the only thing he has used it for is a table for resting things on (it's still in its box). Maybe I am really out of touch with my family and moving out is a good thing.
Long post means only one thing - I have something due tomorrow and I don't want to start it. Can't escape it though. =(
1 comment:
Best blog post I've read all year.
Unfortunately I don't have any good advice for you. However, I do think you'll work it out with your family - it just might take a while. Immediate family members tend to forgive each other, regardless of how much you think you've screwed things up (this I know).
Also, remember, there's not much point beating yourself up about what you should/shouldn't have done. You have your own life to live too :)
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