Some people may recall the family drama that happened a while ago. I ended up going back home because mum was really upset. I'm still not entirely sure why, but she seems to not want me to move out until I'm married and she only wants me to move out when I move out with MrMan5.5. She's my mum and I want to make her happy, but I really don't think that's possible anymore.
So on the night of Tracy's going away party, my sister decides she's going to take a knife and cut her arm multiple times. I don't think I got much sleep at all that week as I kept hearing the sound of her cutting herself over and over in my head. If things are getting to that point, you'd have to suppose that it's pretty serious. Since she has been angry at me for so long, I thought I'd try to ease things up a bit, and so I wrote her a letter saying that I'd try not to do a few of the things she has complained about (though mum as we're not talking to each other) in the past. I told her I'd stop cooking things at night because I make too much noise. I'd stop taking a shower when I got home from work, despite how dirty I felt. I'd stop inviting MrMan5.5 over to our house. I offered her my WoW stuff as my cousin mentioned he wanted her to play with him.
She never mentioned the cutting or the letter, and I wasn't even sure if she even read it as she had left it lying on the floor where I put it for ages, and then one day it was gone, so I figured she threw it out. Still, I stuck to what I said for a while, and then Christmas happened. Personally, I enjoy Christmas shopping, as I like buying presents for people, even if it means trawling stores all over the place looking for that one thing. I spent hours thinking about what I was going to buy people. I ended up buying Anjelica a PoGo as I thought it would be a fun present and she could make a scrapbook with photos she took with her phone, or print stickers for her and her friends.
Apparently, it "didn't work" with her phone (and I doubt she even tried with her laptop, although I tried with QC's and it worked fine, and it also worked off my phone and MrMan5.5's. It just required a few seconds to set up, god forbid something doesn't work right out of the box!) and so dad harassed me for ages to return it. Obviously, it had been opened already, and so I couldn't return it, so after a while, I said I'd keep it for myself and buy her something else. Since she likes tennis, I decided to buy her 4 tickets to the Australian Open, thinking that she could take mum, dad and Amanda or her friends. A couple of days before the tennis, I find out she sold the tickets. Mum has been trying to find out how much I paid for them (I'm guessing to see if Anjelica got ripped off or not), and I'm refusing to tell her because it pisses me off. Want to know what she got me for Christmas? Perfume and a carry bag. I have a sinking suspicion that it's one of the things you get with those "Spend $150 and get this for FREE!" deals, and anyone who has been with me for more than a minute will know that I sneeze like crazy and perfume tends to make that worse. At the moment, it's sitting on top of my bookshelf as I thought, even if I'm not going to use it, it's a present from my sister, and so I should keep it. Even after I found out she sold the tickets, I didn't list it on eBay (though now that I'm typing this post, I'm tempted to break the bottle in front of her room so it stinks like crazy. Since she picked it, I'm guessing she likes how it smells, so we'll see how much she likes it after a week. Lucky for her I'm at MrMan5.5's house right now).
Speaking of breaking things, she once broke a glass in our kitchen and left it there, waiting for my parents to come home. I didn't know, and I walked into the kitchen barefoot. She didn't say anything to warn me about the glass, although I know she knew I was there because she turned to look when I entered the room.
So lately, I've been feeling like she really doesn't care about me at all. Even though I stopped doing those things in that letter, she didn't change her habits at all. The stupid thing is, I didn't want to bring her up on it because I didn't want to cause another wrist-cutting episode. It's really frustrating. If I upset her, and she kills herself, I don't know what I'd do. On the other hand, if I change everything about myself to suit her it's like saying that kind of behaviour is acceptable. The reason why I was living that sleep/work/game/sleep lifestyle was because I wanted to avoid as much contact with the rest of my family as possible since it seemed like I was inconveniencing everyone. Work made it easier to sleep while everyone was awake and be awake when everyone was asleep, but it was really miserable.
Recently, I started poker training and I've been pretty stressed as I'm worried about passing my final test. I top all of the quizzes at work, but that just shows that I have all of the theoretical knowledge and none of the practical ability. Possibly due to the fact that I'm one of the few students in my training group and am accustomed to cramming for exams (Ps get degrees!). I asked mum if I could have a poker night to practice and I know she doesn't like people over at our house because it's messy, but I said that I'd clean it up. Alex even let me use the poker table that he built, so everything was all set. While I was cleaning, I hear this screaming match between Anjelica and mum. Anjelica wanted to have her friends over at our house recently, and mum said no, and so she thought it was unfair that my friends were able to come. So to cut a long story short, poker got cancelled (temporarily, as Julian ended up letting us go to his place instead).
What got me the most was the fact that when she was stressed with VCE exams, we tried to be considerate, but when I have a test that I'm really stressed about, all bets are off because it's me and not her. When I had exams, instead of bitching about the people in my family being noisy, I went to the library to study instead. When I was studying for my VCE biology exam, we were getting our house painted so I couldn't even study anywhere in our house because our furniture was all stacked up in the middle of the room to let the painters do the walls. I went to the library to study instead. When we only had one computer shared between the four of us, I went to the library to study instead. Show some initiative.
So tonight, MrMan5.5 came to pick me up, but he wasn't feeling well when he got to my house, so I figured he could lie down on my bed for a bit. Considering how little she seems to care about my welfare lately, I decided I'd had enough. I didn't care about the letter, regardless of whether she read it or not. As I left to get some ice-cream from the supermarket, I find on a note outside my bedroom door, "YOU ARE A FKN LIAR"(sic, I guess she's going to QQ over my stealing her vowels as well). So I guess she read it after all. At first, I was hit with guilt, as I did go back on my word. Then I just felt angrier and angrier. She treats me like crap and she still expects me to be nice to her.
Still, I imagine she feels like the victim in all of this, and I admit that I was in the wrong as I did say I wouldn't invite MrMan5.5 over and I did. I don't think a second wrist-cutting/emotional blackmail episode is going to help anybody at this point. At the same time, I really don't think I can keep living like a ghost in my own house. I've toyed with the idea of just packing up and moving to some random country that I can afford to fly to, but the plan never really extends past getting off the plane, failing to speak the language and then getting mugged and dying.
I think I've finally solved the problem of mum getting upset with me leaving. I'm going to ninja move out. The one good thing that came out of all the cleaning is that all of my stuff is neatly packed away, so nobody will notice the lack of clothes lying in piles all over the place. I'm going to find a new place to live, and slowly move my stuff over. I'll live there, and every now and again, I'll head home, saying it's because I haven't been home in a while, but the real reason being I want to grab more stuff to move over.
I don't think they'll notice I'm not living there anymore as Sharon has pointed out multiple times, it's not like my parents even notice if I'm at home or not. If I'm not there, they'll just think I'm at work or at MrMan5.5's house. The fact that I'll have to pick up extra shifts at work to cover the living expenses will help a lot, too. Now that uni is over, I don't get any mail at home, so they won't notice the lack of it once I change my address. I'm probably the worst ninja in the world as I'm broadcasting my plan over the Internet, but nobody in my immediate family reads my blog anyway, and I'm sure anyone who does read it wouldn't tell as I'm sure that I've more than justified my desire to move out.
Sorry for the huge unload, I've been trying to cut down on the emo, and for a while, I've been deleting blog posts that I think have started veering in that direction, but I just really needed to unload. I think I'm almost excited with this idea, because it's going to be a challenge to see how long I can go undetected. Although, that means my housewarming will be delayed until my parents find out, as I don't think it would be right to have one without my parents being present. Hmmm, though I would also invite MrMan5.5's parents, too. Does that mean they will finally meet? =/
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