Blast From the Past: MB

This really should have been something I did a long time ago, as the events that unfolded are something that, in hindsight, I see should have been handled much better than they were. 

I think the first thing I remember about MB is pancakes. I found an old email thread where we were talking to each other about pancakes, but then aliens and my sisters somehow got involved. I don't think that really counts as flirting, and probably a good thing, as I was still with AG at the time. And for some reason he wanted to know the elasticity of my forehead - I don't think I ever found out why! I think that's a good indication of what he was like - quirky and unpredictable. I have previously mentioned the fine art of composing flirtatious SMS messages, well, it was doubly difficult to compose a reply that was sufficienty witty, but also had an off-beat kilter to it.

Seeing as he and Lena lived so close to me (and a park), they somehow managed to convince me to go running with them.  (MB says: Believe it or not the running was your idea as you got it into your head that you didn't want to limited enough not to be able to do anything such as be a firefighter) If you think Lena is evil, wait until she's pushing you to keep running for one more minute. (MB says: Rob also came with us running (perhaps not at first) and we were not the only two dancing/running around each other at the time, only they had a much happier ending.  I like to self-indulgently think we played a helpful hand in their early courtship.) The running was torture for me, but it was nice to have people to chat to in a non-online manner. I don't know what it was, but something about the atmosphere made this the closest to D&Ms I ever had with people I knew in real life. I told them a bit about AG, and when we were in one of our broken up periods, I thought maybe I could convince MB that I was a super awesome person and that he would want to be with me. And I was sure my parents would have been much happier if I had been with the 3 years older MB than the 13 years older AG. (The fact that it was even a factor for me is a bit sad, but that's just how it was.)

Unfortunately for me, MB had a girlfriend. I was kinda crushed, but I kinda felt it was to be expected. I can't remember the reason, but during one of our running sessions, he mentioned that he and his girlfriend had broken up. Unfortunately again, I was back with AG. I can't really say why I went back to him, considering I was pretty sure I was interested in MB. I guess it was pretty selfish. I decided since the person I really wanted was MB, I was going to break it off with AG, for good. The planets aligned, MB and I were both single, and eventually went and got pancakes.

There was Spy Vs. Spy, WarioWare, table tennis, but there was no movie, instead, the episode Once More With Feeling from Buffy is what always reminds me of him (we watched it at his college, along with a bunch of other people). He had planned a trip to Sydney not long after we got together though.

It's all fun and games until someone misses a period. Which I did. Seeing as it was the first time it had ever happened, there was only one conclusion that came to mind - I was pregnant. MB and I never got to that stage (as I wouldn't have sex with him until he beat my record in Freecell), so that meant it had to be AG's. I don't remember a whole lot about this period of time, but I remember feeling like I was sinking into a big, black hole. Starting uni, I felt like it was the beginning of my amazing career in whatever I wanted - anything was a possibility. It took one small thing to take that feeling away. Suddenly I was thinking about how my parents would disown me, I would have to live off Centrelink and move back into one of those housing commission flats. I'd have to go full time at the supermarket in order to make ends meet. I'd be one of those tracksuit wearing, single mothers who has three kids with all different fathers and is just barely staying sane.

Telling AG was not an option for me. Even though I thought my parents would disown me, the thought of disappointing them by admitting I had been sneaking behind their backs to see AG was too much. I thought about telling MB, but it didn't seem like the right thing. Firstly, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. Secondly, that is a lot to dump on someone when you've only just started going out together.

I had no idea what to do, and different scenarios kept playing out in my head - none of which was a good solution. I became more and more depressed, and felt so alone (it probably didn't help that I was pushing pretty much everyone away). The one thing I knew I had to do was end things with MB. He seemed to be the kind of honourable guy who wouldn't necessarily take care of the baby, but would stay with me to help me through it (perhaps out of pity). I didn't want to make him have to make that kind of decision, as it was completely unfair to him.

The stupidest part was, I hadn't even taken a test at this stage, because it would only confirm what I suspected to be true. A part of me was hoping that maybe I just had the dates wrong and everything would be OK. But days and days went by and still no sign of blood. I ended up telling the entire story to Meshu and he said that he would take a pregnancy test with me (in spirit, as he lives in another state). This is one of the reasons I am so thankful for Meshu, I think this was a turning point for me (though I don't know if he ever did a test as well).

I worked up the courage to go to the supermarket (not the one I worked at) and buy two pregnancy tests. Standing in line at the checkout with two pregnancy tests is one of the most shameful things I have done (why didn't they have those self-checkout things back then?!). It is really hard to pee on a stick. Plus, you need to catch the middle part of the pee, so it can't be the start or the end, but how are you meant to know when it's the middle and not the end of the start, or the start of the end? 

The test came up negative, which was partially a huge relief to me, but mostly I was still convinced that I had done it wrong, as my period still had not come. I did another test later, and it also came up negative. I figured two tests should have been enough, so it must have meant I wasn't pregnant. 

What happened next is something I am not proud of. While I was incredibly relieved that I wasn't pregnant, I was suddenly filled with so much hate. Massive amounts of hate for AG for making me go through what I did. Hatred towards myself for letting it happen, and for not doing anything about it sooner. Hatred at the world, for being so stressful and unhelpful. This is something I struggle with a lot, even now, but when I am angry/upset, rather than confronting the source, I tend to funnel that anger into whatever happens to be at hand. So when MB came back from Sydney, I was upset at him for not being there for me, and that just lead to him becoming the center of all that anger and hatred.  I couldn't think of him without getting upset.

A part of me knew that it wasn't his fault, so guilt started getting mixed in. Why was I treating someone so badly when he had shown me only kindness? I avoided him like the plague while I tried to get everything sorted out, but the more I avoided him, the guiltier I felt. Which just made me feel even worse whenever I thought about him - which was most of the time. I tried to distract myself by doing as many other things as I could, but eventually, he confronted me and I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I even returned the tiger figuring he brought me from Sydney as a mental gesture of me ending things. I told him a partial truth, that it was because I thought I was pregnant and seeing him made me feel guilty, but I was too ashamed to admit anything else.

I acted very poorly, and I am quite fortunate that he is still willing to talk to me. I should have apologised years ago, but I could never bring myself to do it, and then it became one of those things where too much time has passed and you feel silly for bringing it up again.

What I learned about myself: I can't funnel anger properly, or confront people. Instead I tend to run away and hope the problem will disappear when I get back. I am really lucky to have the friends who will support me, even though I push them away. I prefer to handle problems on my own, and tend to avoid asking for help even though I really need it.

I think I have come a long way in the last one, but the other three definitely need work.

(MB says: It was good to read this as I sometimes felt that I was a small blip on your experiences, while on the other hand our short lived venture meant a lot to me, especially back then.  Could I change where things ended up I don't think I would have, as without that closure to our relationship I don't think I would have moved on to the girl I dated in Singapore which is the first time I ever felt like I was in love even if it ended when I came back.


I am currently now living with my girlfriend in the happiest relationship I've ever been in.  Which I hope is just the auspicious beginning to my happy ending.)