Bottled Up for a Week - the Messages

My last two posts on this topic can be found here:
Bottled Up for a Week - Intro and Sending
Bottled Up for a Week - Receiving

So you can live through what I lived there, below is a list of all the messages I recorded, as well as my comments on why I accepted or rejected them. As I knew I'd be uninstalling the app, on the last day (days are separated by black lines), I recorded whether I would have accepted or rejected them, but rejected them all so someone else could get them.

I mentioned in my last post what worked, and here's a small summary of what didn't work (for me, personally):

• short, "nothing" messages, like, "Hi", or just emojis, without something captivating in their bio
• quotes / song lyrics, without any explanation for why they chose to put that in their message
• messages that sounded desperate / overly clingy, e.g.
• Friends means life .........can u be my life :) :)
• I love you so much (heart emoji)
• Hey I would love to yours till you disown me ! and Then !!! I would still be yours till I disown myself ! And then !!! I am yours forever
• messages telling me that I'm beautiful / amazing, which they can't possibly know, because we haven't met yet

The above picture is a word cloud of all the messages I received.

Below is a word cloud of all of my responses.

I couldn't find a nice way to format all the messages, so I'll just link to a Google sheets spreadsheet instead:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1DV4rFsW70eBg4FEwa4TLhVkpHh0YpKXE1357hk38bsI/edit?usp=sharing

Just as a reminder, before you criticise my decisions and say you would have accepted people I rejected, this is my own personal preference for the kind of people I enjoy talking to.

Bottled Up for a Week - Receiving

(This is quite long, so if you only want to know what I think worked, there's a TL;DR at the end.)

As I mentioned in my last post on the app Bottled, I started recording the messages I received in the app, and added some comments about why I chose to toss or keep the bottle (which I'll post in my next post, with names redacted). Why did I want to do this? Mostly because I've heard from my male friends that it's ridiculously hard to meet someone as a male on a dating app like Tinder. I wanted to see what it was like (though Bottled is not a dating app!), but I also wanted to see if I could narrow down what kind of messages were more or less successful.

Please do not take this as a generalisation on what a good message looks like! This is what I personally found worked / didn't work. Different people are going to prefer different styles of messages, so it really depends on what you are looking for. I was looking for someone to chat with to learn about new cultures (as I am married), but I tried to keep a dating mindset in the back of my mind while doing this, for the sake of this experiment. Personally, there's not much difference to me when it comes to someone I enjoy talking to, and someone I'd want to date.

Also, keep in mind that other than choosing an age range and a gender preference (and a country if you buy a specific item), you can't choose who your message goes to. So it's not like people were picking me because I had a super gorgeous photo up or anything like that.

I also incorrectly thought that people seeking friendship would only get matched with other people seeking friendship, and I was completely wrong - it seems that the app will match you with people from any setting.

When it came to replying, I tried to keep a few things in mind. A lot of my friends complained that the burden of conversation mostly fell to the guy. He had to come up with a witty opening, if the conversation died, he had to pick it back up, and more often than not, if the girl did open with a message first, it would just be "hey", so the burden still remained on his side (if he also replied with, "hey", the conversation would be left to languish). I tried my best to hold up my share of the conversation burden, despite being horribly cringeworthy and overly perky.

I only started recording messages partway through the first day, but of the four messages I recorded, I kept three of them. At this stage, nobody had kept my bottles, so I had nobody to chat with. Other than the guy who asked for nudes, I kept all the bottles that I received. Of particular note was A_France_26_M_Pirate (I've given nicknames to all the people I'll mention in detail, so you can cross reference with my giant spreadsheet tomorrow, the first character is the first letter of their username, the second part is their country, the third their age (if they specified it), the fourth is their gender, and the last is what kind of hat they chose to wear).

A_France_26_M_Pirate had a very generic nothing message, "Im lonely on that beach... Would you join me to talk a bit ?", and I don't remember anything noteworthy in his bio, but I mentioned I played computer games. Despite the time difference, he replied almost instantly and we had a conversation going. It probably helped that we had a lot in common, so the conversation flowed quite easily. Being a pirate, he hinted that he wanted to see pictures of me, but I made it 100% clear that there was no chance of that. He didn't seem to mind, and never brought it up again.

At this stage, I was trying to keep every bottle I received, except the ones where the person asked not to (e.g. only keep this if you want to sext / be my girlfriend), or I didn't understand the message. I very quickly built up a series of conversations, and the bottles didn't stop coming.

I didn't expect my conversation with D_Serbia_20_M_Pirate to pan out, but when I saw that his profile picture was a picture of Snoop Dogg, that opened up the conversation. I started to have a pretty intense conversation with R_UnitedKingdom_36_M_Pirate about MMOs, with c_Germany_blank_M_Pirate about food, D_Egypt_23_M_Sailor about The Godfather, and I was still talking to Receiver#1 about management games. 

I think what helped these conversations flow were:

• we had common interests we could talk about
• most of the responses were fairly in-depth, so it wasn't just something like:
  Me: Do you think Don Corleone was a bad guy in the end?
  Him: No
  
  Instead, he spoke about the nuances of the characters, and we were able to have some back and forth discussion.
• the conversations weren't heavily one-sided, with one person asking all the questions or one person doing all the talking. It felt like both people were engaged in the conversation, and both people were participating equally.
• the conversations I enjoyed more were light and funny, but even the ones that weren't were interesting, with the other person wanting to share things about themselves, and learn things about me.

Pretty soon, my good intentions crumbled, and I started filtering bottles where I felt the person put in a low amount of effort: message was just "hi", or some text copy+pasted from a song / famous quote. I felt pretty terrible about it, as I still remembered that feeling of having my bottle rejected, but I justified it to myself by saying that it's better that I have fewer quality conversations than many low-quality conversations.

Not long after, my principles crumbled even further. Since I do have a full time job (believe it or not), I left bottled for before work and before bed (with the exception of A_France_26_M_Pirate who I ended up adding on Discord and messaging throughout the day). Trying to balance reading new messages, with keeping up active conversations, with trying to get some sleep became incredibly difficult. So my criteria for keeping bottles went up. Bottles that I would have kept had I seen them earlier in my journey were being tossed back into the ocean. I became scathingly critical of people's bios(which makes me a huge hypocrite, because in the entire time I was using the app, I never uploaded a photo of myself, nor filled out my bio).

I couldn't keep up. I'd go to bed with 20 bottles still in my queue, and eventually dread opening the app again, because I'd feel bad seeing even more bottles waiting. At this point, I decided it wasn't worth it, and said I'd continue until the end of the week for the sake of this experiment, but I'd uninstall the app after that. For my last day with the app, I noted down all the bottles I would have kept, and wrote the reason why, but tossed them all back into the ocean for someone else to find.

Personally, I hated those messages that said things like, "You're beautiful and amazing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." You know nothing about me, how could you possibly say something like that and mean it? I can see that they're just trying to be positive, but it just felt fake to me.

A common complaint I see on reddit is from guys saying, "Why don't women just respond and give us a chance? It doesn't take any effort, and they might end up finding someone they connect with." I can understand that sentiment, and if I had received A_France_26_M_Pirate's message on day 2, he would have been rejected and I would have missed out on many great conversations. 

But now I have an understanding of the other side of the coin - it is impossible to maintain existing conversations and also go through the sheer number of new messages, and have some semblance of a life. It took me over an hour to filter through my new messages each day (and I didn't even do all of them). To some extent, I was almost relieved to see a message asking for pics, because it meant I could reject it without having to mull over whether or not I wanted to start a conversation. Plus, some of the conversations were hard to keep up, and so there was also the aspect of weighing up the risk of getting someone who would be a drag to talk to.

I tried, I really did. Every time I tossed one of those borderline messages into the ocean, I pictured one of my single, male friends saying, "F@#$ you, why didn't you give me a chance?" (even though none of them would). I can understand why these apps are stressful now, and I didn't even get any dick pics, and barely any requests for nudes.

Stats

Number of bottles received

170

Hat distribution

-->

	#	%
Sailor	43	25.29411765
Treasure Hunter	40	23.52941176
Pirate	87	51.17647059

Gender distribution

-->

	#	%
Male	154	90.58823529
Female	16	9.411764706

Country

-->

	#	%
India	45	26.471
France	16	9.412
United States	10	5.882
Germany	7	4.118
Morocco	7	4.118
Brazil	6	3.529
Egypt	6	3.529
Portugal	6	3.529
Turkey	6	3.529
Canada	5	2.941
Netherlands	4	2.353
Russia	4	2.353
United Kingdom	4	2.353
Pakistan	3	1.765
Sri Lanka	3	1.765
Switzerland	3	1.765
Iraq	3	1.765
Algeria	2	1.176
Belgium	2	1.176
Finland	2	1.176
Italy	2	1.176
South Africa	2	1.176
Argentina	1	0.588
Austria	1	0.588
Bangladesh	1	0.588
China	1	0.588
Ghana	1	0.588
Greece	1	0.588
Hungary	1	0.588
Indonesia	1	0.588
Japan	1	0.588
Mexico	1	0.588
Moldova	1	0.588
Poland	1	0.588
Romania	1	0.588
Serbia	1	0.588
Singapore	1	0.588
Spain	1	0.588
Sweden	1	0.588
Thailand	1	0.588
Tunisia	1	0.588
United Arab Emirates	1	0.588
Uruguay	1	0.588
Vietnam	1	0.588

Age range

-->

	#	%
17-20	41	24.11764706
21-25	56	32.94117647
26-30	40	23.52941176
31-35	14	8.235294118
36-40	8	4.705882353
41-45	1	0.5882352941
46-50	2	1.176470588
51-55	0	0
56-60	0	0

Result

-->

	#	%
Kept	47	27.64705882
Tossed	119	70
Reported	2	1.176470588

TL;DR What worked?

Messages that made it easier to reply to were a lot more likely to be kept. Ask an open-ended question, or list some of your interests.

Messages that explicitly stated what you wanted made it easier to decide how to respond. If you only want something sexual, say it outright. You may have a lower response rate, but at least you know if someone responds, they're going to give you what you want, which will save you time in the long run.

Again, I'll say I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but put something in your bio! There were some messages that I was going to reject until I read their bio and found something to connect with.

Dating Around the World

In today's edition of Fodder Finds Folk Fascinating, I was reading a reddit thread where people commented on dating culture in countries other than the United States. (BTW, don't mess with kangaroos, they are brutal. Today's image is from this BBC Earth YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCcLMNcWZOc .)

From what I understand about American dating culture, the typical sequence of events involves one person asking another out on a date. If it goes well, this is repeated until eventually they have "the chat" and agree to be in an exclusive relationship - the implication being that during the "dating" phase, both people are free to keep their options open and date other people.

Even though the Australian dating culture is becoming "Tinderised" to some extent, I feel like there's still the expectation that if you're seeing someone, it's exclusive. In all the relationships I've been in, we've been friends first, and then either I, or the other person expressed interest in being more than friends, and the other person felt the same way. With the exception of a customer at work who kept coming to my register, I've never been hit on, but I also don't really put myself in a situation where that kind of thing could happen, so I can't really comment on that aspect.

Australia, or at least Melbourne, has a bit of a mish-mash of cultures, and I think there's an interesting blend of customs. Although my mum really pushed on the importance of having a boyfriend, I hid my first few boyfriends from her. I felt a lot of pressure from her to find someone I wanted to settle down with, but I felt like I had barely even started uni, and that's not enough time to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone - especially when both of your personalities are still so volatile. So it was that Asian influence that made me feel like I had to keep it all a secret (well, that and the fact that one of my relationships was pretty inappropriate, and I don't think she would have been all that happy with the huge age gap between us).

MrFodder and I never had the "exclusivity chat". We did talk about whether we wanted to see each other again (and MrFodder claims I left my umbrella behind because I wanted an excuse to see him again), but I don't think we discussed being boyfriend / girlfriend. One of my other Australian friends said the same happened to him.

A European friend of mine, who was in a relationship with an Asian girl, said that from his perspective, they had been in an exclusive relationship for a while. However, he was quite stunned when his girlfriend asked him, "So... are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?"

Based on what I'm hearing from my Australian friends who are still in the dating game, Tinder / Bumble / Coffee Meets Bagel are becoming a larger part of the dating scene. There was some kind of pick-up artist seminar or something running in Melbourne, and a couple of my friends were "victims" to the students. Judging from their reaction, and some of the comments from the other female responses in our Discord channel, it seems like hitting on someone out of the blue isn't very welcome. Maybe that's something that's also uniquely American.

Some of the responses I found interesting from the reddit thread:

(Oh no, I'm just copy+pasting responses from a reddit thread, I'm becoming BuzzFeed!)

Finland:

Apparently people in Finland are quite reserved, until there's alcohol involved.

France:

...you just meet people, you click then become friends, get some drinks together with a bunch of other friends... Usually, the group gets divided during the night, some people will stay in the living room, we have what we call here the "counter-party" that happens in the kitchen, then hallways, bedrooms... and you get to be close to whoever you're into and kisses happens (or more)...if you kiss again during day time tadaaa you're in a relationship (if it's what you both want) !

England:

Brit here, its just pretty normal, you meet, you get their number, you text a little or a lot till you get the balls to ask them out. Sometimes its coffee, or drinks at a pub/bar. You see if you click, and if it does a relationship occurs pretty quickly within a few weeks.

North India:

There's no existence of the idea of dating. Dating means being in a relationship (although newer generation is catching up). 

I like a person, I confess. If they agree, then from day 1 we are in a relationship. That's it. All done. 

I agree in some relationships, both parties may know each other, but I wouldn't say they fall in love gradually. In most cases here, people befriend each other because they are attracted.

Brazil:

Couples often meet each other at clubs or parties, they (most likely) make out when they meet, they may have sex at the same night too. After that, they get each other's contacts and then start dating until it (not necessarily) develops into a relationship.

New Zealand:

Dating doesn't really exist in the way that it used to, hook up culture has largely taken over. Most people I know consider the idea of paying for a traditional date as the 'chump' option, and seems to be only considered by people who don't have the option of getting laid easier and faster. 

Nice dates are increasingly reserved for established relationships, with most people favoring the 'hangout/netflix and chill' approach if they can get away with it. 

It's now considered far more serious to hold a girls hand while walking down the street than it is to have casual sex with her

Philippines:

In my experience anyway, there has been a pretty huge shift in dating and relationships, at least among younger people still in university. When I was in college not too long ago (I graduated in 2011), relationships would predominantly start through “ligaw” (translates: courtship), where it was essentially the guy’s job to show how much he liked the girl through romantic acts both big or small. Depending on the two people involved, any level of physical intimacy could be expected. Eventually, there would be the formal question of “Will you be my girlfriend?” I would say even for my gay and lesbian friends, there was always someone “performing” the courtship and someone “receiving” the attention. 

Now, I feel like we’ve shifted to the more American concept of dating - get each other’s number, hang out, agree you’re seeing each other, and then later on defining the relationship. I much prefer it now, it definitely places both parties on equal footing.

Norway:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDbsKnSN4lo

Meet in bar -> sex -> go on date -> sex -> say "Hi" if you see each other -> dinner.

I don't know how true it is, but another comment seems to hint at the same thing:

Dating in Norway is not very formal. You either have a date at a cafe with a coffee and a little bit to eat, or you go straight to the dinner in the evening. If you meet up for a coffee in the day it's more about seeing if you're compatible, but if you agree with having a dinner in the evening, and a couple of drinks afterwards, you can presume that the other part is interested in a bit more than chit chat. You might sleep together on the first night, or you wait. It's something you understand after talking to the other person.

Honduras:

Relationships just sort of form from friendships, or over time after you initially meet someone. Once you're doing couple's stuff you're pretty much official. People don't usually date around either (as in, going on dates with multiple people) - if you're going on date you're /already/ assumed to be exclusive. It is pretty much expected that guys will court a girl they like, and if the girl reciprocates than that's what starts the relationship pretty much (or some people will directly ask will you be my bf/gf and start it like that) 

At the same time, among teens and younger adults it is common that kissing and things like that at parties don't really mean anything.

Vietnam:

Basically you found someone hot in some circle group, friend them on Facebook and start messaging them. Flirt with them online for sometime or hang out with them in that social group. Ask them out for some number of dates which can be largely casual coffee or eating something simple. Flirt more, maybe go in for some handholding or kiss, then become couple.

Uzbekistan:

In Uzbekistan, 75% of marriages are arranged. If you’re a guy it’s ok to be a whore but if you’re a woman you have to be a virgin to get married. At least that’s how it was 15 years ago. Relationships are formed just like anywhere else, through school and friends. The divorce rate is very very low. It is a shame to be divorced and practically impossible to survive without a provider so when couples get married they do their best to stick together.

Right at the bottom I found an Australian reply!

The online dating scene is slowly dying here. Mainly because females have too much choice and become over-saturated with it. Most guys swipe right on everyone and are lucky to hold the attention of their matches before they stop replying. It does work occasionally. I haven’t heard of a success story in the last 18 months however. 

Meeting people at parties/bars/sporting clubs/places of shared interest is quiet common. Also through mutual friends. 

There is two types of dating; American style one on one or going to events with mutual friends until something kicks off (depends on what the person wants). 

I think it really depends on what the person wants. In inner Melbourne casual dating is more common due to the amount of people but further out dating is more common due to the lack of options

It's just anecdotal, but most of the people I know who are in a relationship met their partner through a friendship group. It's the minority of people who got together through online dating (though one of them is now engaged, and another has been with his girlfriend for a few years now). I wonder what will replace online dating in Australia. I have heard from a few of my male friends that they're getting frustrated with Tinder-like apps.

Knowledge Based Questions

Quickie today, as I have somewhere else to be!

In the Spiderman animated series, there was a story arc where Peter finally manages to marry his high-school crush, Mary Jane. It all seems good until he finds out that the woman he married is actually a clone of the real MJ, who had died previously. Ever since then, I occasionally have these crazy flights of imagination where I wonder if the people I know have been replaced by clones.

In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry is moved to a safe location by the Order of the Phoenix, and part of the journey involves having other members of the order take a polyjuice potion so that they look like Harry. When they reach their destination, they ask each other a series of knowledge-based questions in order to verify that they are who they say they are, and not an enemy impersonating them with a polyjuice potion of their own. Things like, "What's the first thing I asked you when we were at X?"

The big problem with those kinds of questions, if you haven't agreed to them beforehand, is that they're susceptible to forgetfulness. I cannot remember the first thing I said to most people. There are some people I don't even remember meeting!

Something that MrFodder and I encountered not long ago. We were joking around, but ended up setting up a secret question that we both knew the answer to, and that nobody else would know the answer to. I think we did it maybe 6 or 7 years ago. Something I tend to do when someone around me behaves in an unusual way is I ask if they're an impostor (as a joke). We were out at lunch, and MrFodder was saying some things that were completely out-of-character. So I said my usual line, but this time, I asked him whether he remembered our secret question.

He could not.

However, this is not unusual for him! It took him many years to remember my birthday, and he often forgets other things that to me seem to be crucial information. So what was I to do?

On one hand, he couldn't establish his identity by answering our secret question. On the other hand, forgetfulness is part of his personality, so by not remembering our secret question, he was, in a way, verifying his identity.

It's a tricky question, and things like this plague the information security industry, because there has to be a balance between security and usability.

For my sake, given that we're getting to our 10-year anniversary, I really hope I haven't married a Hydro Man clone...

The Bridget Jones Effect

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I've been reading this book series Eat, Pray, Die about a poison tester who eats food and solves crimes. I've been completely sucked in by this series. I read it during my lunch break, I read it while walking to and from places, I read it while my IDE is busy re-indexing my code. If there's a spare few minutes of my time, I'll sneak in a few pages. Not the most responsible, but I really am hooked.

In typical Fodder fashion, I've been thinking about why, and it finally dawned on me during the start of the first book. The main character is basically Bridget Jones. I'm sure there are tons of posts analysing the Bridget Jones Effect, and here's another one to add to the mix.

The big "awwww" moment in the movie was Mark Darcy's famous "Just as you are" speech:

I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.

As far as good traits go, Bridget is sorely lacking. She's not amazing at her job, smokes, is borderline alcoholic, always seems to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and struggles with her weight. When it first came out, she was possibly one of the most relatable female protagonists out there. She wasn't the super mum, or the action girl, or the manic pixie dream girl - she wasn't the kind of woman that other women dreamed about being, she was the woman that they are.

Yet despite her flaws, she had two men chasing after her (and a pervy uncle), she did manage to land a job that she was accidentally good at, and she does manage to come out on top in the end. Mostly due to her quaint personality. Despite what I said in the last paragraph about her not being the kind of woman that other women dreamed about being, she was still a fantasy, albeit one a lot of people could actually reach without being a supermodel ninja. I wanted people to see that underneath my quirky nature, I do try hard, and I do have good qualities. And, of course, it wouldn't hurt if Colin Firth decided that he liked me, flaws and all.

This lead me to think about whether the Bridget Jones fantasy is actually healthy. Self-improvement is a huge aspect of my life, and so the idea of waiting around until Mr Right comes along who will love me just as I am seems at odds with that. But the idea of changing an aspect of myself in order to try and attract someone else seems wrong - it seems fake, and at the end of the day, if the person does decide to spend the rest of their life together with you, do you really want to have to pretend to love the esoteric Irish sport hurling for the rest of your life? Nope, me, neither.

I think that's what's so appealing about the "just as you are" love - it requires no effort. But I don't think it would really work without effort. MrFodder says he loves me despite all my flaws, which is probably as close to "just as you are" as I'll get. Some of my flaws he even finds endearing (e.g. the weird things that seem to happen to me (although I say "seem to happen to me", I have a feeling I cause them more often than not)). However, on my side, I try to minimise those things, because even if he loves me despite those things, I think flaunting it in his face all the time is probably not a good way to have him continue loving me.

That's the balance I'm comfortable with - how far I'm willing to be Bridget, and how far I want to go to be a good partner.

Today's side note: As an example of how I've changed, I quoted Mark Darcy in the same way in an earlier blog post (over 10 years ago!), and back then I was using it to explain why women can be clingy. While I still agree with the things that I wrote back then, I feel like I am a lot less insecure, and can get validation from myself, so hopefully MrFodder doesn't think I'm clingy!

Attraction: How Does It Work?

I've been stuck thinking about something for a while now. In The Fodder Show, because in my fantasy world, my life is a TV show, with myself as the star (it seems normal to picture yourself as the star of your own show, right? Complete with cheesy narration, à la the sportscaster in Legend of Korra. Actually, I don't know if this is crazy or not, but whenever I'm looking for something, and I'm about to leave and search for it somewhere else, I imagine the camera panning to where it's hidden after I leave, and a canned laughter track playing. Like River Tam in Serenity (though I don't think there was a laugh track playing in this situation).

I end up walking back into the room I just searched just so that doesn't happen. Obviously, I searched the whole room, and it wasn't there, so it isn't going to be there the second time. Then I get stuck in this period of indecision - should I keep searching in the room, or risk leaving the room and trying another room, only to have the audience laugh at me?

The worst is when I'm eating alone, and then I realise I'm eating alone and think about how the show is just me eating. By myself. No dialogue. Just me. Chewin' mah food...

Every day that I don't get committed to an asylum is a surprise to me.

And wow, what a tangent today!)

The story of my life is mostly uneventful, and the biggest thing that rocked the boat, at least from my perspective, was MrCrush. It was a horrible period of guilt and torment, and will-they-won't-they tension (spoiler alert: they didn't). Fortunately, the executives decided to reinvigorate the show and move it to Miami (that was a CSI: Miami reference, in case you don't like amazing police procedural TV shows like I do)! The new cast and location was introduced, but everything was too good. So the writers decided to do what worked so well last time - try to introduce a love triangle.

Enter D, who, on paper, sounds like the kind of person I should be attracted to: he plays Dota, he doesn't drink (at least very rarely), he has strong morals, he loves food (especially cheap, greasy, opposite of fine dining food), he loves movies, playing pranks on people, he is physically attractive. It sounds like the show's writers were trying their hardest to repeat the recipe.

For six months, I stood there on the dock, waiting for the ship to arrive, but it never did. What was the missing ingredient? What is it that draws me to MrFodder and MrCrush, but not to D?

Does it have to do with ease of conversation? I never seem to run out of things to talk about with MrFodder and MrCrush, but with D, the conversation sometimes feels a little stilted. Though we do have some good days, especially when Jal is involved, too. Maybe it's just a case of not knowing each other well enough.

Or maybe, and this makes me really hopeful, MrCrush was it. My once-in-8-years deviation from MrFodder, and now it's smooth sailing for another 8 years at least. Another I don't know what the answer is post, but this time I feel a lot more positive about not knowing. Would it make a difference to me if I had a list defining every single thing I loved about MrFodder? I don't think it would change things between us in any way. Now that I've thought about it a bit more, maybe the fact that I don't know is a good thing. I like learning new things about him, and not all of them make me like him more (some are neutral, e.g. how he likes to eat his eggs), but I love mysteries, and having mysteries to solve with him keeps things fun.

Rally

Went to my first rally yesterday.

I wanted to stay for the mass illegal wedding, too, but I'm sad to say that I had other plans, and my legs were getting tired, so I bailed early. (Since I know Jal will huff in frustration and say it's not an illegal wedding, since they are allowed to have weddings, I want to make sure to include that so he doesn't huff at me.)

I was super psyched up for it. MrFodder and I picked up some rainbow coloured shoelaces from Rebel Sport a while ago, and I thought it would be a good time to finally change over my shoelaces.

There were so many people around. At the rally itself, they estimated around 15,000, but one newspaper said there were 20,000.

They had a bunch of people speak at the rally, including some politicians. One of them said that 70% of people who were polled about their voting preference said that they'd vote yes. 90,000 new voters have enrolled this year. A and I were being cynical and wondering whether this whole thing was a ploy to get people to enrol to vote.

One of the organisers said that the sea of people reached all the way down Swanston street, which was pretty amazing. I couldn't see that either from where I was standing. Everyone was really nice, and complete strangers were talking to each other, asking about their experiences. People were wearing some pretty creative T-shirts with funny slogans, or dressed up in fairy costumes and things like that. I heard people complimenting them, asking how much effort went into it, lots of supportive comments, it was really nice. There were even some churches who were there in support as well (and both Graham and Michael will huff at me for not mentioning that they told me there's nothing in the bible against homosexuality, so I'm going to leave this comment here, too).

The banners were great, too. My favourite was this one:

And they had a competition for the best one, with the winner being one that said, "Computer says yes". The runner up was one that listed all the countries who have legalised gay marriage. There were a couple (at least I think they were together) who had a sign saying "Taste the rainbow" and they had baked cupcakes in lots of different colours and were giving them away.

I can't remember the names of any of the speakers, and I was too far back to see anything (standing on the steps of the State Library of Victoria), but there were a few stories that struck a chord with me. One woman spoke about how she and her partner both campaigned heavily to be able to have her name listed on the birth certificate of their kids even though her partner was the biological mother. Which was quite fortunate, as unfortunately, her partner passed away, and she knew that if she hadn't been listed as a parent, she would have had to go through a lot of headache fighting for custody of her children.

Another woman spoke about how her husband had transitioned to being a woman. With the way the marriage laws are now, would that mean they would have to get divorced? The stories were really nice to listen to. It wasn't even the illegal wedding part and I was starting to tear up.

A lot of the speakers pointed out how unfair it was that they aren't allowed to get married just because they're both the same gender, something about John Howard changing the marriage act, and urging people to spread the word and encourage the people around them to vote. They mentioned how the younger generation, who would be more likely to vote in favour of gay marriage, are less likely to vote in a postal vote.

To be honest, I started to get bored after a while, it felt like the talking went for hours. I got there at 12:45, and left at around 2:30. Even the people around me were also getting restless, with quite a few people saying, "Can we just march now?"

The crowd got riled up once we started chanting "What do we want?" "Marriage equality" "When do we want it?" "Now!" "What are we voting?" "Yes!" (It'd be funny if on plebiscite day, the question is changed to, "Should it be illegal to marry someone of the same gender?" or something like that.)

I got to participate in my first rally chant!

We finally started marching, but it was getting a bit late, and I had some things I needed to do, so I joined them until the corner of Elizabeth and La Trobe and bailed.

Admittedly, while we were waiting around at the library, I kept thinking what if a bomb had gone off? I think it would have motivated anyone who was thinking about abstaining into action, probably in favour of marriage equality. Hopefully such dire measures won't be required.

I don't have a personal sob story about this cause, I just think it's something that's unfair. Michael challenged me to write a gender-swapped girl power story (male trying to succeed in a traditionally feminine role), and at first I thought to make my character gay. I interviewed a couple of my gay friends, and one of them said something that made me feel sad. When he came out to his parents, they were accepting of it, having guessed the truth a long time ago, but he later found out that his mum was heartbroken because she would never have a (biological) grandchild. It never even occurred to me that that would be an issue with having a gay child.

Then I think about my other friend, who actually talked me out of making the character gay, as he said it would undermine the message of the story (i.e. the only reason they want to do something feminine is because they're gay, not because it's OK for guys to want to do feminine things). He has gone through all the same kinds of relationship struggles that I have. He falls in love just like I do. He get jealous just like I do. Why shouldn't he be able to marry the person he chooses to spend the rest of his life with? It's not an amazingly compelling argument backed by facts, but it's enough for me to want to vote in favour of gay marriage.