Mulanna

To say that I generally struggle to talk to the other females in the office is a bit of an understatement. When I first joined my team, I was invited to a "girl's lunch" where the topics ranged from weddings, to reality TV to children. I found myself unable to contribute very much to the conversation, and when I did say something, I felt a bit like I was being given the polite version of a confused stare. Given that I'm usually the only female developer in the room, I wonder if they're afraid that I'm going to start spouting 1s and 0s at them.

Now that my gym going efforts are starting to pay off, I've discovered the magic topic that I can associate with the other females in the office - fitness and weight loss. Though I'm not really interested in the crazy diets that some of the people in my office are into, I now know enough about the gym and food to be able to carry a decent conversation with people. I like knowing that I don't have to pretend to be interested in my phone when in a lift with someone I know.

Lately, a lot of people have been commenting on my appearance. At first, I just attributed it to the girly circle jerk that happens:

Female A: Oh, wow, I love your jacket!
Female B: Thanks! I really like the colour of your skirt, where did you get it?
Female A: I got it online, I'm a bit worried about the size though, it's a bit smaller than I thought it would be. Need to lose some weight so that I don't have to suck my stomach in whenever I wear it.
Female B: No way, you're so skinny, it really looks good on you!

But someone on my floor, who I barely know except as one of the fellow fire wardens, said something as well, so when AB asked me to join her in the social committee fashion show, I eventually relented and said yes.

Not too long ago, Kalg came down and I joined him, Kat and Neverpie for breakfast. Kat mentioned that I'd never look like the waitress that was serving us, and that's when I started to have second thoughts about the fashion show. I've known Kat for so many years, and I have never seen him do the girly circle jerk. He has no reason to lie to be about something like that, so I feel like his comment is genuine, as opposed to the people at my office who like to be seen as friendly.

Still, the fateful fashion show was approaching, and I couldn't let AB down by pulling out, as she has done so much for me, and she is always pushing me to challenge myself and do things outside my comfort zone. So when the day came, I sat patiently when the make-up artist started painting my face. And again when the hair stylist was brushing my hair. But when I tried to slink back to my desk without being seen, I was caught by my boss and my fellow dev. My boss only got a quick glimpse before I hid behind my 23" monitors, but I couldn't hide from J who sits next to me.

I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face. It was a look of total horror. The last time I saw him make that look was when I mentioned that one of the grads from my year is working in a team that doesn't believe in source control. My boss tried to tell me that I looked nice, but it's hard to believe that when you get the J-No-Source-Control-Look-Of-Horror.

Despite the fact that I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and rub it all off, I persevered and made it through the fashion show (also without falling on my face despite wearing heels and a long gown - minor victory). Afterwards, a lot of people came up to tell me that I did a good job, but now I'm afraid. What if the painted face Anna is the one they like better now? It reminded me of that song in Mulan, where she looks in the mirror and sees her face with the make-up, and without.

The painted face being the person that the people around her want to be, and the unpainted face being the person that she wants to be. I have a photo from the night on my phone, but I haven't looked at it yet. I'm not sure if I'll like the person in the photo, or if I'll have the J-No-Source-Control-Look-Of-Horror. I also haven't been back at work since the night, so I haven't had to face anybody yet. Hopefully it'll all have blown over by now, and everyone will have forgotten.

Definitely on the list of first-world problems, but I wish that I could trust someone to give me an honest opinion, but I think that people like me too much to want to hurt me. I can't tell honest opinion from a white lie. Someone on Reddit said that the best way to learn to spot a lie is to become a good liar yourself. Do I want to go down that dark road?