JFF - 二重生活 (Double Life)

If Radin! was the French movie I saw this year that called out to me, 二重生活 would be the Japanese equivalent. As soon as I read the synopsis, I decided that this was a movie I definitely had to see at the Japanese Film Festival.

The story follows a graduate student named Tama who is in the process of writing her Masters thesis in Philosophy. She seems somewhat listless. She submits her topic proposal, to try and find the meaning of existence through interviewing 100 random people. Her supervisor, inspired by a book on his desk by Sofie Calle, suggests 1 person, instead of 100. And rather than interview them, he suggests she follow them and note down the things that they do, in order to try and gain some insight into their life. Tama questions the legality of this, and her supervisor responds that as long as she's following someone for no reason (as opposed to someone who does it for malicious or selfish purposes), it should be fine. He does set one rule: that she must not interact with her target.

Tama says she'll think it over, and goes to a bookstore to do some research on how to tail someone. While she's there, she notices her neighbour working there. He gets a text, and then has to dash off, so she decides to follow him. She continues to follow him to a café where he meets up with a woman who isn't his wife, and who hands him a watch, saying, "Don't leave it behind next time." She follows the two of them until they go into a small alley and begin to have sex. Tama paces back and forth, thinking over something, and eventually she returns home to re-write her thesis proposal to focus on one person.

I find the idea pretty fascinating, and the movie looks into the divide between a person's public life and their private life, as well as the ways in which people find a way to tame that indescribable feeling that there must be something more to life. From the start, we learn that her target is a famous book editor, whose edited works often go on to become best-sellers. He has a beautiful wife and a wonderful daughter, a nice house, and the respect of the people around him. Why would someone like that risk everything by cheating?

This probably speaks volumes of my personality, but it wasn't until recently that I realised how harmful stalking actually is. A friend of mine told me about her experience with a stalker, and how scared she felt. In her case, she knew her stalker, and was pressured not to make a big deal about it. redbeanpork also linked me a reddit thread "Men of Reddit, what creepy things have women done to you?" and I've been horrified reading all the responses.

From my perspective, I viewed it as a quest for truth. I wanted to know something about someone, so I figured as long as I didn't do anything illegal, it was fine to use everything at my disposal to find it. But people keep things hidden for a reason, and have a right to privacy. I joked about finding out the name of MrCrush's cat, but if he didn't want to tell me when asked, then I should respect that he doesn't want me to know.

Then there's the other aspect of Tama's tailing. It started as a joke, as well, but I did start taking notes about people. Mostly Jal, because he seems to find it funny, but it has extended to anyone whose phone number I have. It doesn't seem that malicious. In Jal's case, I have his preferred way to drink coffee, his cookie and cake preferences, his favourite lunch foods, his middle name and where his parents live. But he told me all of these things willingly. Is the creepy part that I've noted them down?

I also write about things that have happened to me in my journal. D made a claim about himself, saying he never did X, and I refuted it, saying that I had seen him do it in the past. He called me a liar, so I pulled out my journal, looked up the entry and told him the day that he did it, reminding him of the situation. Obviously, that was really creepy, and I shouldn't have revealed that I had a journal. But I've never felt that keeping a journal was particularly bad.

The movie left me feeling very undecided. Most of my friends joke about my stalker-ish tendencies now, and it's even becoming something that new people hear when they're introduced to me. It's often mentioned in a joking way, but stalking definitely has a negative connotation to it. Even though I don't mean anything malicious by it, I can understand people being unsettled by it.

To add another thing to my list of life changes I want to make, I'm going to try and hang up the deerstalker hat. All of my stalker-ish things I claim as me using my detective skills, but I'm not a detective, and there's no reason for me to do these things other than to satisfy my own curiosity. This is falling under the same bucket as the picturing someone naked thing. If they give their consent, then it's OK (some people seem to like to challenge me to find out information), but the default is to try and respect their privacy.

Obviously, this is going to be a big change for me, but as with everything else I do, I will try my best.

But back to the original topic, the movie was very interesting. It wasn't quite the movie I was expecting, and had more of a philosophical side than a thriller side, but it was definitely enjoyable, and it was one of those movies that makes you think about your life afterwards.

In the Clear

I got my tax return, and out of curiosity, decided to check out my university debt. I was pretty chuffed to find out that I'm in the clear! After many years of slaving away, I've finally paid of my debt.

There are so many horror stories on reddit about graduates in the US who are crippled by college debt. I think it's crazy that their debt can be $300,000 or more. That's a decent chunk of a house, even with house prices being what they are. I'm immensely grateful that we have HECS / HELP in Australia, and your debt is slowly paid off as you work, with the interest rate being very reasonable.

I met someone at work who was an international student, and she said that she had to pay $10,000 per semester while studying, which is why she had to work so many shifts. She was from the Philippines, and she said that unlike a lot of international students, her parents aren't super rich, so she was pretty much on her own. I haven't seen her since I quit, but I hope she managed to find a job in her field. She said she was hoping to save up enough money to bring her family over - another reason why I felt bad, as I'm fortunate not to have that kind of pressure on me from my family.

With it becoming harder and harder for university graduates to find work, people are starting to question whether studying at university is even worth it. I have to say, I'm not sure those extra years studying psychology and Japanese were worth it. Well, on one hand, if I hadn't, I would have spent less time at university, and probably would have met MrFodder. And you have to wonder whether it was those things that made my resume stand out above others when it came to deciding who to interview for my current job. A lot of large companies are starting to look for more well-rounded people, as they figure if you have the baseline skills required to do the job, it's more important to find someone who has soft skills and can work with others than someone who is the super bestest programmer in the whole wide world.

Plus, studying Japanese made me more confident about going to Japan, which in turn made me more confident about going to Western Europe. I don't think I'd be the person that I am today if I hadn't done that, as I feel like being somewhere that's not-Australia is really fascinating, and made me question a lot of the things that I take for granted (e.g. it's really not normal for the public transport system to run behind schedule all the time).

As far as things I learned at university go, I don't think I use most of it. The best skill I learned at university was how to think, and how to find information when there's something I don't know. With the prevalence of things like Wikipedia, I think it's less important to be able to memorise a heap of dates, and exactly how Knuth's Algorithm works. I mean, I vaguely know a lot of stuff off the top of my head, which makes it easier for me to know what I'm looking for when I'm searching, but those exam-ready responses I had memorised have long left the confines of my brain. Plus, I've found that the world of programming moves so quickly that a lot of the stuff I did learn at university is now out-dated. I remember using Java 4 at uni, and Java 8 is out now, with Java 9 well on its way. One of my former co-workers brought out his massive Windows 3.1 study guide and we all had a bit of a laugh at it.

The biggest thing that I got out of university is probably all the people that I met.

Sappy moment: I don't think he even knows, but Pharmacist gave that keyring to me in my first year of uni when I joined the chess club. Now he knows!

Behind the Beard

Not my failed attempt at trying to look like Ned Kelly, but my failed attempt at trying to grow a beard. Something I said that I'd do before my boss left for his holiday 10,000 leagues under the sea. He has a nice big beard, so this was my best attempt at being him while he was away. I honestly don't know how people breathe or eat with these things. It felt so weird to be breathing with this thing in front of my nose. I said I'd last until lunch time with it on, and I did.

Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about facial hair again today, but in honour of Movember starting, and how men tend to neglect mental health, I thought I'd write about mental health today. Not just with a focus of trying to get men to check up on themselves, but for everyone. Because I think there's still a bit of a stigma around it (though it is getting better), and I know that when you're down in the pit, it can feel like you're all alone, and nobody wants to hear about it, but you'll be surprised how many other people have gone through something similar.

I've mentioned in the past how I went through a dark period, but I can't remember if I've ever written about it in any great detail or not. If I have, well,  you can just skip this post.

It was in year nine that I first stopped going to school. Yep, me, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes was wagging school. But not in the sense that I would pretend to go to school then spend the day somewhere else. I just refused to get out of bed. In fact, I probably spent most of my days just lying in bed. Doing nothing. I didn't even care about eating - something that you'd find unbelievable now!

This was probably my "emo" phase, but a lot of the time I felt really worthless. I spent a lot of time thinking about ending it - I felt like I wasn't worth the resources it cost to sustain my life. Worse. I was a drain on everyone around me.

You'd think that with all this spare time, I would have done something productive like learn a new skill, but I didn't. I was mostly in a conversation with myself the entire time. My mum would eventually convince me to go to school, and then I'd spend the next few days analysing what happened. Gathering more and more evidence for how worthless I was. Even if I did do something great, my internal dialogue would convince me otherwise.

"I liked learning about electrochemical reactions today."
"Yeah, it was interesting. But you weren't the one who answered why we need the ion bridge."
"That's true. I probably wouldn't have figured it out on my own either."
"You're not very good at figuring things out. You're only good at repeating what you read in books."
"Who would want to hire someone who is only good at repeating things other people have researched?"
"You probably couldn't even get a job at McDonald's - you're mean, and ugly, and can't cook."

I had friends at school, but I didn't feel particularly close to them. Even amongst my friendship group, I felt like a bit of an outcast. Until one of my other friends came along, I was the only gamer. TH also enjoyed reading fantasy and sci-fi, but she left for another school. I really just felt out of place. I was a weirdo. I felt incredibly anxious talking to other people, and I tried to hide it by "owning it" and pretending that I loved being weird, but deep down, I hated it. I just wanted to be a regular girl. I wanted to be the daughter that my mum wanted, and not this worst-of-both-worlds daughter who is interested in "boy things", making me both a failure of a daughter and a failure of a son.

Even though I was lying in bed most days, I was exhausted. Exhausted by the constant thoughts that I was a burden. It's like my brain had this weird ability to remember every single bad thing that was said about me, and play it over and over again. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I had convinced myself that I was worthless and there was no point trying to do anything as I would just fail. Which meant I never tried anything, and so I never achieved anything, which further fuelled my feelings of worthlessness.

It's not all doom and gloom, obviously I'm still here, writing this post. Eventually, some teachers from school intervened. There was one that lived near me, so she would come to my house every morning and drive me to school. Even back then, I was beholden to authority, and there was no way I'd go against something a teacher said, so if she said I had to get up and go to school, I got up and went to school. She didn't even teach any of my classes (she taught ESL), but she ended up teaching me one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life: Just because someone isn't interested in you doesn't mean you're not interesting.

I ended up seeing a social worker, and a counsellor for a while, but I felt like neither of them really helped and I hated going to those sessions. It made me feel worse, like there was something so wrong with me that even professionals couldn't help. I didn't know that sometimes you'll need to shop around to find someone who you have rapport with, which will make them better suited to helping you.

I had to sit a bunch of tests, and I guess that's the only reason I got a pass that year, even though I probably missed 75% of my classes.

Playing the piano played a huge part in my recovery. I had a huge crush on my piano teacher, which probably helped motivate me, but I also enjoyed just losing myself in the muscle memory of playing. It was one of the few times I managed to silence my brain and relax.

My school friends knew something was up. I never really explained to them why I attended school so rarely, and after a while, they stopped asking. I never felt comfortable talking to them about it, partly because I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, but also because I didn't want to appear weak.

Both things which I realise are absolutely stupid in hindsight. The Star Wars motivation to keep going was just a band-aid, and in my second year of uni, I crumbled again. I still remember lying on the top of a hill overlooking some train tracks. Thinking about just rolling down - the train had to round a bend to get here, and probably wouldn't see me there. It was pretty dark. I ended up calling MrMan1 (or was he MrMan2? I don't remember anymore), and I asked him to keep talking. I just wanted to hear his voice. I'm pretty sure he could hear that I was crying, but he didn't mention it. He kept talking about stuff I don't even remember. Pretty sure it was Warhammer 40k. But it was the first time I had allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of someone. To (almost) admit that I needed help.

I've been slowly opening up more now. I'm comfortable letting people see me cry. I'm a lot more comfortable talking about personal things.

Sorry for the long read, but I just wanted to say that if you do feel like you're struggling, that your internal voice is telling you that you're not worth it, I think you should speak up. I often hear that the friends and family of suicide victims often feel like they didn't see it coming. And it's probably because of that internal voice telling you that you're not worth it -  you're not worth burdening the people around you, you're not worth taking up the time of a psychiatrist. But you may be surprised to find how many people care about you more than you thought they did, and would be glad to lend a helping hand if you ask.

There's nothing wrong with being weak, as being able to walk the path to becoming strong makes you far stronger than someone who happens to be "strong" because they were born lucky. My favourite character in Naruto is Rock Lee. He's rubbish at anything other than physical combat, but he just works so hard at trying to be better, and I find him much more admirable than the "naturally talented" Sasuke. Also, I'll stress again, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Today

(Morbidity warning! If you want to go into the long weekend (assuming you have Friday off) with a cheerful attitude, might want to give this one a miss.)

I have this irrational feeling that whenever I go to a hospital, someone will die. Although, if you think about it, it's rational in the sense that people are dying all the time, and they will be dying when I go to a hospital, so I'm not wrong. For the most part though, the person I'm visiting doesn't die.

A lot of people seem have an aversion to hospitals, despite the fact that without them a lot of sick and injured people would be worse off. However, for people who don't work in hospitals or the medical field, the only time you tend to go to a hospital is to visit someone who is sick, or if you are sick yourself. So it makes sense that people would develop an aversion to hospitals.

But the other thing hospitals provide is a place to rest, peacefully.

It makes me think of that episode of Scrubs, My Old Lady, where JD is trying to convince one of his patience, a 74-year-old woman named Mrs. Tanner, to start dialysis in order to prolong her life. He sits with her, reading items off a list he wrote of things that she still has left to do with her life. She goes through it with him, saying that she has done all of them.

J.D.: "Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower."
Mrs. Tanner: Done.
J.D.: Fine. "Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower."
He looks up at her.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, now you're making stuff up.
J.D.: No, I'm not; it's right here, you can look at it!
He turns the notepad in her direction.
Mrs. Tanner: Listen, Dr. Dorian, there's not one thing I regret as I lay here right now. I'm ready. I really am.
J.D.: [flipping through the pad] You have had an amazing life.
Mrs. Tanner: Good, then we agree. Now, aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
J.D.: Me? No, no, I've--I've been off for two hours.
Mrs. Tanner: So, with your precious free time, you've been sitting in a hospital room talking to an old lady. What about your list? How many of those things have you done? For that matter, how many times have you sat in the grass and done nothing, hm?
J.D. looks at her, unable to answer.
Mrs. Tanner: You need to start taking some time for yourself, young man. Promise me you'll do that.
J.D.: I will.

The episode makes you value your life, and it really makes you wonder if you were on your deathbed right now, would you feel like you were ready to die? As stupid as this sounds, I was feeling really down at one point, and one of the things that kept me going was that I wanted to live long enough to see the rest of the Star Wars movies (The Phantom Menace came out around that time). My life has since turned around, and there are even more Star Wars movies to live for now! Not to mention all the other things I want to do.

I also feel like this year has been pretty big for me, in terms of doing things that I'll regret not doing later. Sure, some of the things I've done have been a bit of a dud, and some things didn't turn out as well as I'd have liked (*cough* Fiji *cough*), but I'm slowly expanding my world, and I've done things and met people along the way which have changed the way I see the world. It's odd that being on a site like reddit, where opposing opinions will often be downvoted to oblivion made me realise that I also live in an echo chamber. As funny as it is to laugh at politicians for being out of touch, I live under a rock myself, but I'm slowly climbing out, and as I do, I find so many more things that I want to do.

Today is a celebration. A celebration of someone who has done so much with his life that I'm in awe. He's not the youngest _________, nor would his life story be some Oscar-bait movie, but it's inspiring nonetheless. Here's to hoping I can do the same!

Cookie Monster

Warning: this is an emo post - continue at your own peril.

Even though the Dota 2 challenge with D is over, I've been playing some bot matches with him, his friend OCD and Jal. The games are pretty relaxed, and it's mostly just messing around, which is fun.

I've come to really appreciate how relaxed OCD is (despite the impress you get from the nickname I've given him). Absolutely nothing so far has phased him. Even in the official match, he was incredibly relaxed the whole time, and was very sportsmanlike despite his loss. That's the kind of person I want to be friends with.

Before the match, I upped the stakes and said that if I lost, I would buy D dinner at this American BBQ restaurant that he seems to love. OCD asked if we can go together anyway, even though they lost, and the other players seem keen to go. We haven't gone yet, and I'm incredibly nervous about meeting OCD. I really want him to like me, so that we can eventually become friends.

I found out that he likes cookies, so of course that meant I would bring him cookies when we first meet. After my near-loss to Captain in the choc-chip cookie bake-off, I realised that even though these cookies are my perfect ideal for cookies, they aren't everyone's cup of tea, so I set to work trying to improve them. I really liked how Captain's cookies were a lot thicker. I know OCD likes soft cookies, so I had to keep that property, but I remembered reading about Alton Brown's The Chewy, where he makes thick, chewy cookies by substituting bread flour for the plain flour and thought I might try the same.

Long story short, I baked a heap of cookies, with the plan to take them into the office and perform more A/B testing, with 6 batches. Bread flour vs pizza flour, and dark choc, milk choc and m&ms.

D sees the cookies in the kitchen and asks what weird thing I'm doing now. I explain about the quest to find the best cookies, and he says, "Normally it'd be creepy... but it's you."

I don't know if I was genuinely saddened by that comment, or it's just the grief finally hitting me, but I just completely deflated. I gave up on the experiment. I left the remainder of the cookies on a plate (though not before finding out the votes at that point - milk choc (11) beating dark choc (4.5) and m&ms (1.5)).

On the trip home, I thought about my past. I've jokingly referred to myself as a stalker, and my friends play along with it. I don't think I've ever done anything maliciously, but as someone pointed out to me, it's not about what I think is malicious, it's how the recipient sees it. D and OCD are best friends, so I would expect him to be able to predict OCD's reaction.

Some of the other things I've done could be classified as creepy, too. Taking someone's photo, printing out a picture of their face, and then filming a James Bond parody is pretty damn creepy if you think about it. Asking a friend to look up a co-worker's birthday on Facebook is pretty creepy. Recording people's likes, dislikes, and coffee preferences is pretty creepy.

I think this part is the grief talking: I feel like I've lost my joy de vivre. My passion for experiments is gone. All the little ideas I had floating in the back of my mind for cheering people up have vanished. I spent an hour looking at ice-cream recipes today, and not one of them gave me any inspiration.

A thought occurred to me: Is the reason why I feel so compelled to do "nice" things for people because I want to hide the fact that deep-down, I'm a creepy monster?

Where Do the Good Go?

Had a somewhat timely discussion about religion and spirituality. I don't consider myself religious. I was an atheist for a while, but I think I'm now a lazy agnostic. I don't actively subscribe to any particular religion, but I'm happy for people to believe what they want to believe. I have to admit that I believe in something. It's a pretty stupid story, actually, and I didn't realise how stupid it was until I said it out loud. My brother, father and I were playing The Lion King on the Sega, and there was one stage that we really struggled to get past which was fairly early in the game - the wildebeest stampede level. I made my first prayer, that we would get past the level, and in exchange, I would believe. Well, my brother beat the level, and I've kept up my side... at least somewhat.

I don't know what it is I believe, actually. I don't believe in heaven, but a part of my wants to believe that there is life after death, despite the fact that everything I know points to the fact that we will die, rot away, and that'll be it. I used to believe in karma (the whole idea of a cosmic set of checks and balances that rewards the "good" and punishes the "evil"), but I started to think about how impossible such a thing could be, because there is no universal sense of good or evil. I now believe that karma is self-made, which is why I try so hard to show gratitude to the people who are nice to me.

I had a friend who is Christian. I remember asking her about how she was going to achieve a certain goal that she had set, as she didn't meet some of the requirements. I don't remember what it was exactly, but I have never forgotten her response, "I'm not worried, God will make it happen."

At the time, I wanted to shake some sense into her, "No, He isn't going to suddenly give you qualifications and skills that you don't have! You are being unreasonable!" She didn't listen to me, and I'm not sure if she ever did what it was that she wanted.

I've never been able to articulate that feeling of frustration, but when I saw the episode "The Painted Lady" from Avatar: the Last Airbender, I feel like it described how I felt. In the episode, The Gaang visit a town where the villagers are quite sick, the water around them is polluted due to a nearby factory, and the people are suffering. The whole village doesn't seem that bothered by it, as they are confident that the Painted Lady will someday return and save them once again. Lo and behold, the next morning, food supplies mysteriously appear in the village, and there is talk of the return if the Painted Lady. Another night passes, and during the night, many of the sick villagers are healed.

The "Painted Lady" who is helping them turns out to be the waterbender, Katara, in disguise and the villagers are quite upset when they find out. Sokka points out that they can't just keep relying on the Painted Lady to save them, and they're going to have to start doing things for themselves if they're going to survive. Eventually, they are spurred into action, and begin to clean the river.

I feel like this kind of blind "It's all part of the Grand Plan" kind of faith is obstructive, as it can lead some people into feeling that all they need to do to achieve something is to pray hard enough. Or maybe some of it is the thought that whatever happens was fated to happen, and we really have no control over the future at all (but that's worthy of a whole other blog post).

To some degree, I admire the people who have faith like that. If you live with the belief that good things happen to good people, then it motivates you to be good in order for those good things to happen to you. I'm of the belief that bad things happen to everyone, so to be able to keep your faith in spite of the horrible things that happen in the world every day is quite an achievement.

The reason I'm writing this post today is because someone I respect was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year, and the prognosis was not good. She was an amazing person to be around, the kind of person who brightens your day just by saying, "Hello". She was incredibly kind, put a lot of effort into cheering up the people around her, was great at her job, she did volunteer work, and seemed to have a healthy life outside of work, too. As one of the first people I worked with when I joined, I idolised her, and aspired to be like her.

Yesterday I got the news that things had taken a turn for the worst, and she would have at most a couple of days left to live. To say that I feel broken is an understatement. How can there be a God, or a Grand Plan if people like her are taken in such a way? What incentive is there to be a good person?

I guess when things like this happen, some people take comfort in the idea that it's all part of the bigger picture. The conspiracy theorist in me wants to believe that because she was such a good person, she was taken from this crummy place, and has moved on to a better place. The rational part of me knows that things like that are just a case of genetics, and in some cases, random. I crave understanding, and I always try to make sense of the things that are going on around me, but I think this is one of those things where I'm just going to have to accept that it doesn't make sense. There was a universal lottery, and she lost - the why is irrelevant. All anyone can really do is make the most of the time they have left until their number is up.

Don't worry, this isn't going to make be go all #YOLO. I just feel a bit like the night sky is just a little dimmer tonight.

Butterfly Away

On my not-a-date with Captain (there was no lobster involved), we spoke about our high school experiences, and I asked him if he would go back to when he was 15. He asked if he would have the memories he had now. I changed the question to if he would want to go back as a spectator. He very quickly responded in the negative, with a look of horror, saying that he wouldn't want to watch himself do all the stupid things he did the first time. So my next question was whether he would want to go back and watch himself, but this time he would have the chance to change one, and only one, thing about his past.

He mulled it over, and ultimately decided that he liked the way that he is now. For all he knew, the one thing he changed could lead to a worse life than the one he has now. So even though he cringes at the though of all the dumb things he has done until now, he wouldn't change a thing.

I thought over the question for myself, and there are definitely things that I regret doing in my past. But ultimately, they lead to me being where I am now, and being with MrFodder, so it can't have been that bad.

Instead, I started thinking whether I would have met MrFodder anyway, if I had changed some of the decisions I made.

One of the things I regret is choosing software engineering over something like accounting, which I'm starting to think is much better suited to my personality. What would have changed? I would have spent a lot less time in the comp sci building at uni. I would probably still have joined the games club, however, would the games club have been what it was when MrFodder and I got together? Would there even have been a games club? I'm not sure what my involvement in all of it was. If I hadn't met QCN (which I probably wouldn't have, given I would be in the commerce building all the time), would she have gotten together with her boyfriend at the time? Would they have formed the games club together? Would I have joined the committee if I hadn't been friends with the existing committee members - because let's face it, the vote was more of a popularity contest than a judge of someone's skill? Plus, QCN was the one who introduced us to each other in the first place.

Here's another interesting one - would I have met MrFodder if I hadn't played World of Warcraft? So through WoW, I ended up with Charmeleon. He was the one who pushed me to get over my fear of spending the rest of my life with someone, and wanted me to find someone. That someone ended up  being a guy who already had a girlfriend (though I didn't know it at the time). I became an almost-homewrecker. But because I was feeling mopey, when QCN invited me to the MSO concert at the Sidney Myer Music Bowl, I decided to try and get out of the house. That night was the first time I remember meeting MrFodder (we realised later that we had met earlier, but didn't remember).

Or a combined one: if I hadn't studied programming, AG wouldn't have been so down on my choice of career. I wouldn't have reminded him of his ex so much, and maybe we would have gotten along a lot better. If we hadn't broken up, I probably would have spent more time at the chess club, and not had time for the video games club. Breaking up with him was what spurred me to finally level my shaman in World of Warcraft to level 60 and join a guild. Which led to me meeting Charmeleon, etc.

It's actually a pretty fun thing to do, and makes me feel better about myself. I remember when I was feeling particularly down about something, Michael said to me that to regret your past is to regret who you are now. Not the most helpful of advice when you do regret who you are now, but it does help put a positive spin on some of the stupid things I have done in the past. I've been reading some of my old blog posts, and it's interesting to see how emo I was at the time. If I had know that things would turn out OK in the end, I probably wouldn't have done most of the things I did, and paradoxically, maybe things wouldn't turn out OK. Life is funny like that.

Fighting, Revisited

I made a post a few days ago about a friend who resorted to violence to punish someone he thought did the wrong thing, and I've thought about it quite a bit since then.

I have changed my stance. The problem with my friend's reaction is that it leaves the other person no time to explain. He saw something, and reacted to it. The problem with this is that he doesn't know the entire story. He may have seen the last minute of something that had been on-going for the last hour. Perhaps the man in question had seen the woman make a hateful comment towards someone else while they were on the train together, and this was his way of getting revenge in his own small way. Who knows?

When you talk something out, at least you give people the chance to explain themselves. The only problem with this is that if the person really was a scumbag, they're probably going to lie about what happened, and unless you want to start calling witnesses and set up a courtroom outside the train station, you are unlikely to ever uncover the real version of events.

But I would like to think that most people would do the decent thing and either apologise, or double down, start spouting hateful remarks, and reveal themselves as an asshole to everyone around.

So while I still admire my friend for doing something to step up, I disagree with his choice of action. But hopefully if I ever see something like that in the future, I will have the courage to step up and do something about it myself.

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Short post today as I went back and finished off that Newbee vs Liquid write-up. That might be my longest post, at over 4000 words.

Fight For Your Honour

Had a really fascinating lunch today. Rocky was telling me how he was walking to work when this man in a suit holding a briefcase shoulder checked this elderly lady and said, "Sorry" really sarcastically, without even checking to see if she was OK. It looked to Rocky that the guy did it on purpose and it was a full-on shoulder into her chest kind of action, so his (Rocky's) response was to shove him up against a wall. The man asked if he had a problem, and Rocky gestured towards the lady, and the man just walked off, while Rocky went to see if she was OK. Despite the fact that there were probably about thirty people around, nobody else stepped in.

To be honest, I was completely horrified when he told me this story, which I think must have shown on my face, because Rocky asked what I would have done. At first, I laughed and said, "You should really use your words, violence isn't the answer." But then I admitted, I would likely have thought about doing something, but in reality, would have just stood there. The bystander effect in action.

His response was that he was sick of people just standing around doing nothing when terrible things like that happen. There are so many people who are just scum, and because people don't punish them for it, they continue being scum.

I would like to point out that despite his name, Rocky isn't a big guy. In fact, he's probably skinnier than me, but he is taller. If you saw him, you probably wouldn't guess that he's as tank as he is. He showed me some topless photos of himself, and he is pretty muscly, but I think it's that lean kind of muscle. So if he had shoved me up against a wall, my first response would be that I could probably take him in a fight.

But the rude guy didn't. Rocky said the rude guy was much bigger than him, but he wasn't afraid. I actually thought it was admirable that he was willing to stand up to someone like that.

The thing is, if someone got into a fight in front of me, for my honour, or something stupid like that, I would be disgusted. I think we are well beyond the time where arguments are settled with fists, and logic should prevail. If someone is being a dick, well, you can just ignore them, and over time, their dickish behaviour will result in them being surrounded by other dicks, and like low priority queue in Dota 2, they can all be in their little bubble while the rest of us continue on with our lives.

So while Rocky's behaviour makes me uncomfortable, I wonder how much of that stems from the fact that he was able to do something while I would have stood there doing nothing? Talk is cheap, and until I have the courage to stand up for someone else, who am I to say that he's wrong? If I were in the same situation, at worst all I would have done is given the guy a mean look. Yep, that's going to make him change his ways, I'm sure of it.

I say that I want to make the world a better place, but what have I really done other than contribute some badly written vegan recipes?

He told me some other stuff about his childhood, which I won't repeat here, but I find it fascinating that two people who are so similar could have taken such different paths. Our childhoods sound nothing alike. While we share some similar personality traits and likes, I feel like we are polar opposites in... I don't know what the word for it is, but it's like the way that we ended up the way we are is completely different. A bit like convergent evolution.

I honestly feel like he's a completely different person in my eyes now. I'm both scared of him and fascinated by him at the same time. Yet another person who I'm not able to file neatly away in a box. I'm starting to rack up a heap of these.

Bob Lob's Blob Blog

People are like blobs.

At one end of the spectrum, you have the Stubborn Blob.

They will never change their shape.

The Stubborn Blob never has to do anything they don't want to do, but it also means that if they are in a group, and the group doesn't want to do what they want to do, the group either caves in which builds resentment, or the Stubborn Blob is left with the option of caving or leaving. After a while, the Stubborn Blob will find that the group no longer invites them to things. On the plus side, if a Stubborn Blob meets a similar Stubborn Blob, then they will get along like a house on fire (what does this even mean???), but the chances of finding someone similar are quite low.

At the other of the spectrum, you have the Amorphous Blob.

They change their shape to match other shapes.

The Amorphous Blob is one of those people you would describe as having no personality of their own. They are happy to talk about cars to a car lover, giraffes to a giraffe lover, rockets to a rocket lover. They are nice to be around, because they are really accommodating, and they can make you feel like someone is interested in you. On the downside, when left to their own devices, without the strength of someone else's personality to hold them up, they just become a puddle on the floor. They may have interests, but nothing they're incredibly passionate about. Nothing that they'd line up outside for two days in order to get tickets for. They get along with everyone, but the stress of changing shape so often leaves them exhausted and may result in a desire to withdraw from any contact at all.

I think most people fall somewhere on this spectrum, with the changing representing willingness to change parts of yourself to accommodate others. For instance, this might involve going to see a movie they aren't particularly interested in because another person wants to see it, or taking up a hobby just because someone else likes it.

I feel like I've been a bit of an Amorphous Blob for most of my life. Sure, there are things I am passionate about, like Dota 2 and desserts, but I feel a bit like I lack personality. I used to think of myself as a chameleon, changing personality depending on who is around. But when it came to describing myself, I really couldn't think of any words to use other than "doormat".

This is probably the underlying reason why I've really been pushing myself to try new things, because I want to find what it is that makes me... me. What are the things that I genuinely like and what are the things I like only because I want the people around me to like me?

Hopefully I don't end up going all the way to the other side and turning into a Stubborn Blob!

In regards to today's picture, I feel like that's me and MrFodder. We don't match each other exactly, as there are things that one of us likes that the other doesn't, but there's enough overlap that we are comfortable with each other, and I think that's part of what makes us us.

Dream Café

One of the questions I asked the people at work I interviewed was, "What would you do if you won $50 million?" I've had the question asked to me in return, and I usually say something about wanting to travel more. I've thought about it a bit more, and I think this is what I'd actually do.

Sign up for a short order cooking course, or just a cooking course in general, and then get some experience as a short order cook. Once I can reliably cook meals, move overseas and open a café that serves mediocre food and mediocre coffee for a slightly more than cheap price, but looks comfy and has free wifi. I don't even know which country in particular, though preferably a non-Asian country so I can pass myself off as someone who doesn't speak whatever the local language is very well. The food and coffee has to be mediocre because I don't want to attract a big clientele.

Over time, I'd probably get somewhat regular people, and ideally, people would come to my café and chat about things. I'd get to know them, and find out what problems they have by eavesdropping on their conversations (or if I were super unscrupulous, snoop on their info when they use my wifi). Maybe I'll do some detective work, and follow them around.

For the ones I deem worthy (i.e. they meet my arbitrary moral standards), I will try and secretly make their lives better. Maybe I'll anonymously pay an overdue credit card bill, or organise for their childhood hero to pay them a visit. Just something small to brighten their day, and restore their faith in humanity.

Ideally, nobody will link these things to my café, but just in case, I'd probably move around every couple of years, start over somewhere new and do it all over again. It'd probably give me a chance to learn all these different languages, too.

It feels so selfish, as there are much better ways to spend money to improve many people's lives in a big way, rather than very few lives in a small way, but I think this is what I'd find more enjoyable than anything else. I'd be able to combine my love of stalking detecting and food while making people smile without them knowing it was me.

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Today is the end of week 2:

Weight: 58.4 / 59.1 / 58.9
Waist: 74.5 / 75.5 / 75.5
Hips: 88 / 89 / 90.5
Bust: 89.5 / 91 / 89.5
Left thigh: 52.5 / 51.5 / 53
Left calf: 35.5 / 35.5 / 37
Right thigh: 53.5 / 53.5 / 54
Right calf: 36.5 / 36 / 36.5
Left bicep: 31 / 29 / 29 
Right bicep: 30 / 29 / 30.5

Was sick for a few days, but no excuses. Gotta get back on the wagon!

Thoughts For Fodder

I was thinking about the way that I think about things (which is apparently something only humans can do, but I don't even know how you'd measure that in other animals / plants anyway), and maybe it's because I have a programming background, but I think it's a lot like computer processes.

I have my main CPU, which does all the processing, but there are various threads of thought going on at once. For instance, I will wake up and think about food. I always eat the same thing for breakfast every day, so this isn't really a difficult thought, but this usually leads me to think about food in general, and in particular, what I would like to try making next (currently pretzels or baguettes, though I am considering hot cross buns as Easter is coming up).

Even though food is the dominant thought at the moment, that doesn't mean there aren't other processes hanging around in the background, awaiting CPU time. I sort of alluded to it in yesterday's post, but one thing that I tend to do is put something away for later processing. Usually it's because I don't have time to deal with it at the moment, as I might be at work, or in the middle of something else, but sometimes it is also because I'm just not capable of processing it at the moment, like GD leaving. I know it's not entirely healthy, but it's how I operate.

Thoughts are usually vying for CPU time, and some thoughts take priority over others. However, sometimes a thought will be contextually important, and jump up in priority. We actually learned about this in psych class, though I can't remember the name of what it is. The example given was say you had to post a letter. You tell yourself in the morning that you have to post the letter. Then you go on to do your other morning rituals - shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, find your phone, car keys, etc, then head to work.

Boss comes in, says there's an urgent request from the stakeholder to look at a report, as he thinks one of the numbers might be a bit off, so you pull up the report, try and remember what you were smoking when you wrote it. Realise that one of the co-efficients has a rounding error, so you fix that up, submit the new report for review, and go back to your regular tasks.

Finally, it's lunch time, and you've been thinking about that new Korean place that's a few blocks away. You round up the regular lunch crew and head over.

On the way, you see a post box. F@#$, you completely forgot to mail that letter.

That's pretty similar to my idea of background processing. You put the letter mailing process in the queue, but it gets superseded by other thoughts, until the trigger of seeing the mailbox causes the letter mailing process to gain priority again, but unfortunately, it's too late, as the letter is sitting at home waiting to be mailed.

Pharmacist was telling me about various ways to train your memory. I think I already do one of the things, which is why some people think I appear more intelligent than I actually am, but in reality, I just tend to be really good at finding patterns of association.

For instance, I met a friend's girlfriend (now wife) named Kelly. In order to remember her name, I thought about jelly. Which makes me think about jellyfish. Which reminds me that she's a vet.

This, in combination with my tendency to process a lot of other thoughts in the background, ends up making me look really creepy in certain situations. I will often bring up something that someone mentioned months ago, because that particular process finally got some CPU time. Then I get accused of being a stalker. I can't remember who pointed it out to me, but I've worked on toning it down a bit - gotta hide the crazy.

Epic Quest

Tell me, O muse, of the ingenious heroine who travelled far and wide after graduating from university. Many methods did she write, and many were the design patterns with whose contents and use she was acquainted; moreover she suffered much by C, while trying to malloc her own memory, and the memory of the processes around her, but do what she might, she could not overcome the kernel security, and so they perished. Tell me about all her adventures, O daughter of Linus, from whatsoever source you may know them.

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It is customary for the acolytes of the Couchicus-to-10Kysus to rise before the sun and begin the Ritual of the Run Really Far And Get Really Tired, and so it was today, for the heroine Foddysseus, with the quiet whispers of the Androidicus nymphs, "Start running for 10 minutes. You are on run one of four."

With the Running God appeased, Foddysseus returns to her abode to clean up and prepare for the day, as the Programmers' Guild stipulates that a guild representative must maintain high standards of hygiene at all times. The squid ink begins to fade from the sky, a signal from the Gods that it is time for our heroine to begin the journey to The Office.

It is a dangerous journey, and there are not many who have tried it and lived to tell the tale. I shall spare you the details, lest it cause you to lose sleep at night, but fear not, as our brave heroine arrives in one piece, still possessing her wallet, and more importantly, her breakfast.

"Top o' the morning to ya," says Lennistos, second in command of the Kleisthenes Development Team. Foddysseus regards him strangely. For some reason he is Irish today, and she can't work out why. She files away this mystery as something to be solved later. She accompanies Lennistos to their work station and eats breakfast while reading the overnight messenger pigeons. There is a message from the Business Analysts' Guild. She saves this nice, plump pigeon for lunch.

Just before she is able to begin work, she is approached by her rival, Apollo. He taunts her about the last battle they had together, a musical challenge, at which she lost dismally. Then reminds her of their upcoming battle, a defense of the ancient gods, focusing his icy blue eyes boring into her. "I hope you are prepared to lose again." Foddysseus remains silent, as she is unsure of what to say. He takes this as a sign of submission, and continues the onslaught of taunts. However, none of this perturbs her, as she is of the Programmers' Guild, and as everyone knows, programmers are part machine and have no emotions. Eventually, Apollo gives up and returns to his lair.

The Prophet of Kleisthenes had assigned Foddysseus the task of automating the import of trade data from the Dwarves of Mount Olympus. The materials for the second step of the sacrifice had been prepared, there was only one step left. Unfortunately for Foddysseus, the instructions for this step were written by the Temple of Kleisthenes, which meant they were virtually unintelligible.

Lennistos directed Foddysseus towards the writings of Nikostratos - gems of code sprinkled throughout the repository, that the great scribes have strived to maintain. She poured through lines and lines of perfect code, but when she tried to reproduce it for herself, she received NullPointerExceptionicus after NullPointerExceptionicus. The Priests of Kleisthenes were unable to offer assistance, as they were preparing to sell the next Big Upgrade.

Thus she prepared for the great voyage to see Elder Nevonis.

You must understand that the journey to see Elder Nevonis was filled with peril. One may not simply approach Elder Nevonis for advice. Some say the ever-wise Nikostratos himself descended from the heavens to impart the knowledge of Kleisthenes development to Elder Nevonis, and so only the most worthy of questions were allowed to reach his attention. A series of trials were in place to filter out the uninitiated.

Firstly, the trial of the crusader. One must debate, in front of a forum of philosophers, whether spaces or tabs are the better choice.

Secondly, the trial of the rapids. One must tail the application log file and identify all of the erroneous incoming messages on the first pass.

Lastly, the trial of the binding. One must merge long-running feature branch into master and solve all merge conflicts without a diff tool.

Exhausted by her time in the Library of Nikostratos, Foddysseus sought some reprieve at the local inn to recover her spirits before the Great Journey. She ordered a dish of bland chicken and broccoli from Chef Microwavus and sat down.

"WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" Foddysseus looked up to see Sir Tomas of the Business Analysts' Guild. He was looking at a large, brown cardboard box, his perfectly coifed hair framing a perplexed look. It was unusual to see a Business Analyst look puzzled by something, but there's a first time for everything.

"It appears to be a cupcake, " she stated, after a preliminary examination.

"CUPCAKE? PRAY TELL, IS IT FREE OF GLUTEN?" he asked.

"I am uncertain, but it is not likely." she replied.

"WELL GOOD. I SHALL RETURN AND WE CAN DISCUSS THIS CUPCAKE FURTHER." Sir Tomas spun around on his perfectly polished black boot and left the inn, without a single hair on his head shifting.

Foddysseus finished her hot meal when she was struck by inspiration. Elder Nevonis had a particular preference for sweet foods, perhaps a cupcake would put him in a good enough mood to skip the three trials. She raced up the rocky mountain, glad for all the Couchicus-to-10Kysus training, and reached inside the cardboard box. She recoiled in horror as she found that the box was empty.

"AH, FODDYSSEUS, YOU ARE HERE. SHALL WE INVESTIGATE THE GLUTEN CONTENT OF THIS CUPCAKE FURTHER?"

"Alas no, Sir Tomas. The cupcake is gone!"

For the first time in the history of The Office, one of Sir Tomas' hairs slipped out of place. "GONE, YOU SAY? FODDYSSEUS, YOU MUST FIND OUT WHO TOOK IT."

Foddysseus was an avid student of the policing arts, and had read extensively on the science of fingerprinting and DNA analysis. She divided the village into a grid and began her search, searching for the telltale signs of purple icing. She interrogated the villagers, most of them intimidated by her raw determination to find the missing cupcake. She had narrowed her search down to two suspects.

However, she was reminded that the Programmers' Guild did not like their representatives dabbling in the arts of detection, and that she should probably return to her duties. Sadly, she agreed that it must be so, but the case of the missing cupcake was not forgotten.

She still needed the help of Elder Nevonis, but opted to resort to bribing him with a chocolate reindeer instead. She described her problem to him, and he stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"NullPointerExceptionicus, hmmm?" he mused. "I encountered the same thing back in the Battle of the Fire Oxen. If I recall correctly, the solution is to become the oxen."

Foddysseus began to meditate over the Riddle of Elder Nevonis. It was a task made more difficult by the sound of Elder Nevonis munching on the chocolate reindeer and chuckling to himself. "I jest, young Foddysseus. Here is what you should do." Elder Nevonis began to part the sea of knowledge and the two of them crossed together, Foddysseus with her mouth open in awe at his power.

With the three sacrifices prepared, all that was left was assembling them and beginning the ritual, which would have to wait for sunrise the next day. So Foddysseus decided to call it a day and begin the trek home, eager to work on the case of the missing cupcake.

During the journey, she encountered a djinn. "What is it you seek, young programmer?" he asked.

"I seek knowledge," she responded, both curious and distrustful.

His green eyes twinkled with mischief. "I can help you gain knowledge. But in exchange, you must write about your day." Foddysseus sighed with relief, finally something easy to do. "But you must write it in the style of an epic."

"But, but, but-" she stammered.

"One who is afraid to look for knowledge will never find it." he says mysteriously, before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Upon reaching home, there was a messenger pigeon awaiting her, informing her that the daily practice for ancient defense would be underway soon. She quickly acquired sustenance, debated the finer points of endorphins with Seleukos, and sat down to practice, images of Apollo's cocky stare fuelling her desire to win.

The first battle featured a strong warrior, whose abilities allowed him to grow stronger with each enemy soul harvested. Unfortunately, the enemy magi were far stronger, killing Foddysseus many times to reclaim the harvested souls.

The second battle featured a master of alternate dimensions, who could steal the intelligence of enemies. Carried forward by her allies Pharmicus and redbeanporkles, she managed to not die as much as she did in the first battle, and Pharmicus and redbeanporkles managed to secure a victory.

Foddysseus stumbles into bed with the knowledge that her chances of defeating Apollo are not as high as she thought, and there is a long way to go.

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Another attempt at something different, redbeanpork had asked me to describe what it is I do at work exactly, and I didn't want to write about a day where I was busy filming videos, so I wanted to wait a bit. Michael gave me the challenge of a different writing style, and I tried to emulate Homer's Odyssey, but I don't think I quite pulled it off, as there really was no sense of danger, no sense of adventure.

Maybe it's because my life is pretty boring, but if I do ever want to write a novel, I need to include some kind of conflict - otherwise it's just people doing stuff. I guess there's the Dota 2 challenge against D, which seems to be scheduled for Friday, but that's probably the closest thing to a challenge I have in my life right now. Perhaps I should have waiting for a more exciting day.

I still want to know who took the last cupcake though. It wasn't stolen, as food left in the kitchen is fair game, but I'm curious, and I don't like unsolved mysteries.

Perhaps I should try this style again, but with a different story, not my own life.

I would like to add that Nev is lovely, and is always super willing to help out, no matter how stupid the question I ask him. I really don't know why Lenny became Irish in this story.

Character Reference

Michael made a comment about how I live in a perfect world, and it got me thinking that a lot of people comment that I'm "too happy", but not just that, they often add that nothing bad ever happens to me.

Firstly, I'd like to say that it's untrue, I mean, even though it's not that bad on the grand scale of things, having someone follow me to a car park wasn't the greatest experience ever, and is the the reason why I insist on only buying clothes and shoes that I can run away in (with special occasions being exceptions). Overall, I will admit that I do have a pretty lucky life though.

Anyway, it first made me wonder if maybe I'm too naïve. I have thought this before, but recent discussions on lying have brought it up again. Since I prefer to tell the truth, and believe in someone being innocent before guilty, I'm usually told that it's a naïve way to live. I think it has kinda worked for me so far.

However, at dinner last night, both Pharmacist and MrFodder said that I am a bad judge of character. I disagree, but it's one of those things is hard to see from your own perspective. I also asked darkpast, but he said he tends to be oblivious to most things, so he couldn't really say.

I wouldn't mind being called a bad judge of character on its own, but in combination with being naïve, it's not a very good trait to have.

Pharmacist said he thinks that because I have some questionable friends, but I like to have friends who think differently to me to get a different perspective on life, so I'm not too fussed about that. MrFodder says that he thinks some people take advantage of me, but I don't think I've felt taken advantage of.

I know some people think I am, because I like to do things to cheer people up. That started from my retail days, when someone said he thought I was funny. It took him about a second to say that, and it cheered me up for the rest of my shift. Ever since then, I've always tried to do things for other people if I believe that the happiness they will gain outweighs the effort it takes me. So giving someone a compliment is easy, takes a few seconds, and usually cheers them up for a few minutes at least, which is a net gain of happiness. So for the most part, I don't feel like I've been taken advantage of.

But maybe there are people out there who know this about me, and try to exploit it. And I really hate the feeling of being used.

I'm still thinking a bit more about it, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I don't want to live my life being suspicious of everyone around me, that just sounds like a recipe for misery.

(I thought today would be an appropriate day to post this given the overall theme of trickery.)

Edumacation

Had an interesting lunch with TS. We ended up talking about teachers, and education in general, and he said we didn't need a federal department of education, and even went so far to say that state-level ones weren't required either. I disagreed, saying that it was important in order to maintain a minimum level of education, but he replied that it should be up to an individual to decide what they want their children to learn - who is the government to decide what is or isn't good to know? He also said that education shouldn't be mandatory.

I think that having a minimum level of education is good for society as a whole, though to be honest, that was entirely based on having played Banished, and trying to get the achievements in the screenshot above. It's pretty damn hard to have a large population of uneducated people! But in actual fact, I think it is better for society as a whole because by establishing a minimum, you have a base level of knowledge that people can grow from, with the idea being that the base will grow over time. Compare what the average person knows now with what the average person knew 200 years ago - see https://ourworldindata.org/global-rise-of-education#literacy

And a screenshot in case it's gone:

There are so many amazing new things that are being discovered or invented, and I think it's because society as a whole has come so far in terms of being educated. TS responded that it's not required that everyone is intelligent, for instance, cleaners, but I disagree on that point, too. If you think about cooking, which is probably one of those skills that gets passed from a master to their apprentices, you might think that advanced education is not required, but you have things like molecular gastronomy where people are doing incredibly things by combining food and science. In fact, food science is an entire field on its own. Sure, the average cook doesn't need to know how to read the periodic table, but just knowing certain principles from physics or chemistry can make them better at their job because they have a better understanding of why they need to use a certain pot to cook cream, lest it separate into an ugly mess.

On the topic of mandatory education, I argued that without it, you would end up with a self-perpetuating cycle of uneducated people not seeing the value of education, resulting in their children being less likely to go to school, resulting in their children to be less likely, and so on. While the educated people will continue to have educated offspring, etc. TS did agree that some base level of education is required, e.g. primary school, but not everyone belongs in school, and not everyone needs to learn mathematics beyond a primary school level. School should teach you the basic things you need to survive, and that's all. He said some people should have the freedom to go on and become painters or whatever if they have no interest in continuing schooling. I guess on that point, we both agree, but disagree on where the line is on mandatory education, as I think primary school isn't enough.

I don't really know how to rebut his point about whether the government should control the curriculum - you have to hope that they have the best interests of their people in mind, but it's hard to say. I was thinking about the "No child left behind" policy in the United States, which sounds good in principle, but results in the problem where the teachers are encouraged to teach to the level of the dumbest student. The amount of attention from the teacher depends on how bad the student is, and gifted students may be left to languish, which is bad.

Then you have the East Asian countries, where entrance exams to universities result in children who spend most of their lives studying due to pressure from their parents. In this sense, it's not the government who is forcing people to study, but a combination of societal pressure (you don't want to be the only one of your friends who didn't make it into university) and parental pressure (they don't want their children to fail to get into university, never get a job and never leave home). But this immense pressure makes it difficult for people who don't want to go on to do higher education, and also increases the suicide rate.

But if not the government, then who should control the curriculum? You could allow corporations to control it, and end up with the 11-herbs-and-space-experience. Maybe I'm just being cynical.

Run Away, Little Girl

I accidentally ran 5km today, even though today's run was only supposed to be 4.6km. I was completely lost in thought, and missed the prompt telling me that I'd passed the halfway mark (which is when I normally turn around). Once I realised that I didn't recognise anything I was running past, I thought that I should probably start heading home, as I have to go to work. Then the 1 minute remaining prompt came, and I was nowhere near the end of my run, and I wasn't even feeling tired. I decided I was going to run through the entire cooldown period, and until I reached my street.

Looking up the path on Google maps later to estimate the distance, and I realised it was 5k. I had planned to hit 5km before the end of the month, but with the video, I was pretty behind. I ran on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, before giving myself a rest on Tuesday, and the plan was to do Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I stayed out too late after the movie and couldn't get out of bed early enough on Wednesday.

I'm sorry for waffling on, but I've been holding it in most of the day. I wanted to tell everyone. I flew into work today, and I felt so happy all day.

It actually made me realise that this must be why parents love to talk about their kids, and vegans talk about vegan things, and crossfitters talk about cross fit. When something amazing happens to you, you feel like you want to share it with everyone! "Hey, I did this thing and now I feel incredibly, you should do it, too!" It's not malicious, it's not because they're a mind-warped zombie, it's because they want you to feel what they're feeling, too.

I've actually been coming to terms with the idea of being a parent. I'll never be the most amazing parent out there, but that's OK. As with everything, you do the best you can, and that's all you can ever ask of yourself. Pharmacist says it's all a big gamble in the end, how your kids turn out, and I feel more accepting of that now. I don't know when or if we will have kids, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

Fodder, Alone

These past few days have felt very grey. I realised why this morning, when I found a particularly funny method name in our code, and went to open a messenger window with GD, only to be reminded that he was gone. This is a bit of an extreme response to having a co-worker leave - I feel like I'm in mourning and he isn't even dead! But to be honest, I wasn't ready to go back to having lunch with the grads. I couldn't sit there, waiting for him to show up, only for him never to arrive.

Mr Brioche and D were working from home, Michael was in a meeting, had nobody else to have lunch with. I did something I haven't done in a long time, and took my book and had lunch in the park. It was pretty nice weather for it, even though the sun and I don't agree with each other, if you go by the sunburn scars on my shoulder.

I think I needed the time alone. Ever since I finished the video, I've been trying to keep myself moving. No time to stop and think. It's bad to be sad, and if I keep going, I can just power through until I get used to the fact that he's gone. I still think I can, but it's just little things that catch me off-guard. He runs, so running reminds me of him. He really likes chicken. His favourite colour is blue. OK, now I sound like a demented person, but you get the idea. I think spending lunch alone was a good time to just process things in my mind. Without the pressure of having to be "happy". I actually felt a lot lighter afterwards.

MrFodder says my writing has grown stale ever since I started the 365 photo challenge, so for something different, here is some GD inspired poetry!

We never needed words,
Just a quick exchange of code
For every troubled task
We could always share the load

Silence...

Memes and investigations,
Life with you is never dull.
The sun now rises elsewhere
'Til you return it will be null.

Today's title is inspired by an episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and I think it's an amazingly deep episode for a children's cartoon.

Anyway, this trip is a positive thing, and I shouldn't dwell on the past. I am glad to have had the opportunity of having a friend like him, and my life has been made brighter because of it.

Making the World Go 'Round

When I first got a proper full time job, Graham made fun of me because he said I was still living like a uni student. He said one of the biggest mistakes people make after leaving uni is not adjusting to their new living situation, and people often become miserable because of it - you can't take it with you when you die, after all.

The first time we went to Japan, which was in the break between finishing uni and starting full time work, I remember thinking about going to see a sumo wrestling match. But when I went to look up the ticket prices, I was shocked - the worst tickets were around $80! Ignoring the fact that we were paying about $1k to fly there, and $80 really pales in comparison to that, my mind couldn't seem to rationalise spending that much money on something.

This last trip, I was willing to pay 1200 yen to enter the Ueno Zoo just to eat cute panda pancakes, and I realised that Graham is right. MrFodder and I are in the fortunate situation of being able to afford certain luxuries, and I should take advantage of that while I can. That's not to say I'm going to go full #YOLO, let's go skydiving level of crazy, but it means I shouldn't let myself avoid doing something interesting just because it costs money. And now that I'm also doing the 365 photo challenge, it seems like a good time to try being more adventurous. So not only am I going to try to stop myself from avoiding situations where I have to spend money, I think I'm going to actively try and seek them out.

I've pulled $400 per month out of the air as a rough limit to try and reach, and looking at this ASIC infographic from 2012, it seems most couples spend about $207 per week on food and drinks, and $182 on recreation (though I don't know if that's between the couple, or per person in the couple), but even if it was per couple, I think ~$1600 is a bit crazy, I mean, I still have a mortgage to pay! So I figure $400 is a good amount, which covers lunches during the week, and weekend / other spending money if required. Edit: This doesn't include the cost of anything I do with MrFodder, as I never want to say, "Sorry, I can't do X with you because I can't afford it."

However, tracking this sucks. I've tried finding existing apps, but they all seem to be focused on trying to get you to save, and I want to do the opposite. So I've just been using Google Keep so far:

I know I should use sheets or something, as it'll calculate the monthly total at least, but I hate how long it takes to open, and entering data into the app isn't very nice. I pretty much want something like Optus' data usage page, but with money.

The other things they have, like insights and daily breakdown would be nice, but not necessary if it adds loading bloat to the app.

(Yep, 15.2% of my usage is watching Melon pan videos.)

So I figured, I'm a developer, why not make something myself? The mock I made at the top of the page is pretty much all that I need: how much I've spent, how much I have left to go, how long until the end of the month, a way to enter a new item, and (optional) a list of the spending so far. My most important requirement is that it is convenient to use, because if it is a pain in the ass to add new items, I'm not going to do it, which defeats the entire purpose of the app.

It's probably going to sit in my backlog for a while though, as I have other things to work on at the moment, but I think it'd be good for my development, and things aren't as crazy at work now.

Friend or Foe

OK, I'm going to feel really silly if this person turns out to be legit, but I was looking for some shoes when someone asked me to fill in a survey about learning languages. I did, and she said they were running language learning groups nearby, including French and Mandarin, which I thought would be good to go to. She said they needed my number to contact me later when the classes started up.

It was only after I walked away that I thought maybe it was a scam. And now the scammers have my phone number and first name (but thankfully not my last name).

I don't know, this string of messages seems a bit weird. Sometimes it seems legit, but then the last question about being a citizen really struck me as odd. I can't imagine someone personally messaging every person who responded to the survey, surely they'd have something automated to do that. I also think it's weird that she asked if I had plans for the weekend, rather than just saying anything specific about the classes.

I wanted to be polite, and not write her off completely, but the last question just made me feel completely uncomfortable, and I think I'm just not going to respond anymore.

I probably shouldn't have even responded in the first place! Though I thought maybe Auto would be interested in going to a Korean class with me, and we could suss out whether it's a scam together, but my next thought was that I was involving someone else and potentially causing them to get scammed, too!

Anyway, lesson learned - don't give your phone number out to strangers!