They

I have had the fascinating pleasure of seeing what it's like being a FWB from a male point of view via a friend of mine who seems  to enjoy discussing his.... exploits. I shall call him Lot, short for Lothario. I always heard the term "modern-day Lothario", but I never knew where it came from, only that it was used to refer to guys who pick up a lot. Wikipedia to the rescue! Lothario: Lothario is a male first name which came to connote an unscrupulous seducer of women. Sounds about right!

He showed me a message in which one of his girls said something along the lines of, "I don't want to do this anymore, this will be the last time you ever hear from me." He claims that he did nothing wrong, and I think he's a good enough at reading people to know whether he has pissed them off or not, so I trust him on that point. While everyone else who saw that message was saying how he was in big trouble, I had a different reaction to that message - because I had done something similar myself.

This, titled Why You're Not Married, reminded me of it:


3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.


That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

While I don't entirely agree with that, I have to say, there is some truth to it. There were a few times when I said to Charmeleon that I wanted to stop being FWB. I found that I wasn't really looking for someone else - at least, not seriously, because I guess one of my needs was being taken care of already. But like Mr Sheen, I kept going back for another hit. Obviously, I managed to stop eventually (and then got engaged, maybe that article is telling the truth... (I really doubt it)), but it was so easy going back.

Sometimes, I think that maybe there was a bit of Hollywood romcom in my reasoning. Like Hugh Grant in Two Weeks Notice, I think a part of me was hoping that since I wasn't around anymore, he would realise he missed me and want me back. Like Sandra Bullock, the female FWB filled certain niches that the guy never knew he wanted, and so once she was gone, he would be stuck trying to decide between two different types of envelopes and be completely lost.

Lot completely blew that out of the water. He doesn't seem to care all that much, and he is completely confident that she will return to him. I think he's even planning his next big conquest. I don't know, it just seems weird. I find it hard to believe that he doesn't care about any of these girls at all, as he seems to talk about them quite often, and not just to brag. He seems to enjoy spending time with them, and thinks about them when they're not around - that's a sign that he cares about them, right? Maybe I'm just biased because of how I saw the situation when it was reversed.

Either way, I'm also fairly confident she'll go back to him.

How it Started

Maybe an O.5 post. Read at your own peril! I am too sleepy at the moment to have thought the entire contents of this post through.

During a drunken conversation with a friend (he was drunk, not me - I don't need to be drunk to spill my guts, just lacking sleep) the topic of friends with benefits came up and my friend asked me how I managed to find one as he said he wanted one, too. I told him that an FWB is probably not what he really wants, but I don't think he agrees. Anyway, I used to get asked this question a lot, and even now I can't really say that I have an answer. So instead, I'm just going to try to recall how it all began and maybe any potential FWB seekers can take from it what they like.

This is probably the closest I will come to revealing Charmeleon's identity, and if it does happen I hope he sees it as advertisement or something.

So we met at a dinner with some friends where I got the impression that he was one of those people who loves the sound of his own voice. Later, we went to an arcade (in typical Asian-style) where he challenged me to a game neither of us knew how to play, so it just became a button-mashing fest (I still claim that he only won because his hands are bigger and he could press more buttons at once). This was something so playful and silly, which was such a contrast to my first impression of him.

A few days later, he message me in game and when I found out who his character was, I couldn't believe it. To be perfectly honest, I thought he was an ass and I had trouble believing that he could possibly be the same funny guy I met at dinner. So maybe it was cognitive dissonance that made me agree to dinner and bowling with him (though at the time I didn't realise it was meant to be just the two of us, so I asked my guildies if they were also going and heard some rather unflattering things about Charmeleon in the process - although now that I think about it, they weren't that far off the mark).

Adding more to the contrast was the fact that he brought his own bowling ball to dinner. I don't know why, but I thought that was so incredibly ridiculous and it just seemed to add to the surprising nature I wad starting to see. Then he invited his cousin along to join us.

Fast forward to him inviting me over to his house for somewhere to study 254 and him offering to give me a back rub which turned into sex. The first few times I wasn't entirely sure what was between us. Were we together (exclusive or not) or was it just sex? It felt like he was avoiding saying anything either way, but I figured it out eventually. I decided I was OK with it. I think if he had just asked outright I would probably have said no.

Although seeing each other was pretty much sex related, I don't think I was just seeing him for his penis, he was funny, smart and playful - all qualities that I think are good in a guy. Sometimes I felt bad like I was using him, but SP told me that if he's getting sex out of it, then he's probably OK with it. Still, he was the one who tried to teach me to deep throat and I am still sad that I never got to master it despite all the practice he let me have. :(

It was nice and simple, but there was a downside to it. Probably due to my neurotic nature, but sometimes I wondered if maybe Charmeleon would one day wake up and be bored of me. I just felt pressure to be this fun person around him and didn't feel comfortable being me all the time. I would always here things from guys in WoW saying their girlfriend would be perfect if she would have sex on demand and not complain so much. So that's what I figured a FWB was supposed to be.

That's mostly why I tell people they're not after an FWB but after a bf/gf. MrMan5.5 wants to be with me when I'm feeling happy, sexy or playful, but he also wants to be with me when I feel like sinking into a hole and waiting for the world to go past. We can be ourselves around each other and there isn't that fear of him suddenly becoming bored (which could still happen but I think it is less likely so I don't think about it often).

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In a Relationship

Not sure what I'm supposed to do if Olek and GP don't blog after I have. =/

Anyway, someone wrote into mX's "Lost in Love" saying that her boyfriend of four years refuses to change their relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship" and even refuses to add her as a friend on Facebook. Most of the replies said that she should dump him, although one reply said that if she's decided whether or not to end the relationship based on something small like that, then she's immature.

As soon as MrMan5.5 and I were together, I changed my status to in a relationship with him, and he accepted not long after. I didn't think there was anything complicated about it, and no reason not to change my status. QC said that people normally wait a month or so before changing it, but I don't see the point. If the relationship doesn't last that long, I can just change it back, and it saves having to explain to people that we're no longer together - at least to anyone who cares enough to check facebook feeds.

I don't know how much value you can place in Facebook relationship status anyway. So many people change their status from "single" to "married"/"in an open relationship" and when asked about it, they say it's a joke. I remember Person being confused when his girlfriend dropped their relationship status on Facebook, and changed hers to being married to her best friend. When she tried to add their relationship back, he didn't accept right away so she got angry.

Still, I think even if the writer's boyfriend doesn't use Facebook, there is no harm in taking 10 seconds to add someone and accept their relationship request, so why is he so against it? OK, so if his profile is inactive and people notice activity, they might start spamming him again, but then it takes maybe another 10 seconds to create an email filter, or change your Facebook settings to disable email notifications so that you don' t receive spam, and you can write a post on your wall asking people not to contact you through Facebook. So it's 20 seconds of effort vs. hours of nagging from your girlfriend, I know which one I'd pick!

Personally, I've always wondered why people hide their relationship status on Facebook. I guess there is a "it's none of your business" element to it, but it's Facebook! You're supposed to have your friends on it, or at least people you know, and if they know you, surely they would know that you're in a relationship. So I think people who hide their relationship status on Facebook are really trying to hide something else...

And here is the part you were all expecting! Some people may recall Daniel, who I met at a Google party and there was much um-ing and ah-ing over whether I did in fact have feelings for him and more importantly, whether he was married with two kids. After three attempts to try and get him to do something with me, it was revealed that he a) had a girlfriend, b) she knew about me and my "attempts to steal him" and she probably wanted to chop my head off. Even now, reading through a chatlog that QC sent me, it still makes me a bit sad. Anyway, all of this could have been avoided if he had listed himself as being in a relationship with her. A quick stalk of his blog shows that he still hasn't done it, or even added her as a friend, so it may be the case that she doesn't use Facebook. Even if she doesn't, there is an option to list your relationship status without another person, but he hasn't even done that.

I remember sitting with Charmeleon looking at the photos he has been tagged in trying to work out if there was a significant other in his life. He said that nearly every picture of his brother also features his brother's girlfriend (now wife), so if there is a person who features in most of the photos, chances are, he isn't single. I just had a quick look through my own photos on Facebook, and MrMan isn't in most of them, but the ones that he is in with me are the couple-type photos that people take, so I think based on photos alone, you can tell that we're together. Just went to stalk a few other profiles of people in a relationship and just found out they're now single. =( Now re-stalking Daniel's Facebook, I find him in couple-type photos with other females who are either listed as single or in a relationship with someone else! So maybe Charmeleon's theory doesn't quite hold.

OK, enough FaceStalking™ for tonight, really have to stop doing that.

(NE) Textual Frustration

In case anyone missed it, in response to my last post:

Olek's post
GP's post

(It would make sense for me to edit my last post and add the links, but I don't think anyone would be checking my post to see their updates, so I'm just going to add it to my next post.)

(Since stuff has happened while I was typing this post out, I've decided this will be divided into two posts - though for the sake of the 1 for 1 (for 1) deal, I'm going to count it as one if Olek and GP are OK with that. The reason for the divide is that someone (I forgot who) wrote in my "21st" book, "Less emo posts", and so I'm dividing it into the emo(E) and non-emo(NE) parts.)

A few nights ago, I went out for a drink with Graham and his friend Hannah, and he was making fun of the fact that she had been texting her friend with benefits and he told her to reply to one of his messages with a smiley face and he hadn't replied. It just reminded me of Charmeleon and the fact that texting him was both exciting and stressful at the same time. I don't know why, but it seemed like every message had to have some sort of double meaning and be both innocent and flirty at the same time.

I have since gotten a new phone, so all of the messages aren't there anymore, but I was just thinking about the difference in the texting between me and Charmeleon and me and MrMan5.5. I message MrMan5.5 with all kinds of crap from seeing someone on the street doing something stupid to once again realising that I'm the shortest person in the group that I'm with (T_T). I feel comfortable sending him anything, and I don't feel like I have to proofread my message over and over again before hitting send in case I was saying something I didn't mean.

It seems strange to me that I'm so much closer to MrMan5.5 and I consider my relationship with him to be on a higher level than what I had with Charmeleon, but so much effort was put into simple things like messaging him.

To be perfectly honest, I did have feelings for Charmeleon, once upon a time. Though I kind of hit a point where I realised that things wouldn't really work if we were together (in a non-FWB way, for reasons I would prefer not to disclose), and so I was fine with keeping things at a just sleeping together nature. The thing was, I knew he was sleeping with other girls, and other than "That Guy", there wasn't really anyone else in my life, and it made me feel a bit like I didn't know where I stood. He could just wake up one morning and decide he was bored of me and that would be it (although I was the one who ended up ending it - not because I was bored, but because I met MrMan5.5). It was for that reason that I felt texts between us had to have that zing to it, because it had to be kept light and fun.

Not that it wasn't fun. It was always nice to hear my phone beep that I had a new message and construct some sort of reply, but there were occasions when I'd create what I thought was a masterpiece of a reply, and then he'd be busy, so we wouldn't be able to meet up, and it'd be a big let down. Then the next time he wanted to meet up, I'd feel compelled to turn him down (with yet another masterful creation) to make it even. Don't ask me to explain how it makes sense at all, or how there is some sense of even, I don't know why I did it, I just did.

In the end, if you think about it, the fact that so much theatre was required just to maintain interest is probably a sign that any relationship without it was doomed to failure as I think eventually, we'd become so tied up with innuendo and when it comes to trying to discuss something serious, it wouldn't be possible. It reminds me a bit of an episode of Scrubs (My Drama Queen) where JD ends up dating someone who is only interested in him when there's something dramatic happening.

Funnily enough, a while ago, I asked Charmeleon to get a pizza with me after I finished work (this was back when I would wake up, go to work, get home, play some WoW/HoN, sleep, then start over. It was kinda lonely for me, and there aren't many people who are up at 4AM and willing to get pizza) and he ended up cancelling on me. There were no sexually charged messages (unless pizza gained a double meaning I don't want to know about), but I just thought it was ironic given what I said earlier in this post. I was disappointed not to be able to get pizza, but it was a different disappointment to what I felt in the past, and there was no feeling that I had to get 'even'. Although, Julian said that it probably wasn't a good idea to meet up with him, and I know MrMan5.5 was uncomfortable with the idea even though he said he was fine with it, so I think it was a good decision not to reschedule.

Faking It

Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies. By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla The Pill?

Turk: I'd-a faked it.

Elliot: Guys can't fake it.

Turk: Really? Does this sound familiar? "Ohh, oh, baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move!" ...Sorry.

Elliot: [Reliving past trauma] Way too familiar....
-Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes (Season 5, Episode 1)

Yes, another Scrubs inspired post. I've been wondering, what's the point in faking an orgasm? They feel good, presumably you both want one (isn't that the reason for having sex in the first place - other than for baby purposes?), and if someone else is volunteering to do all the work of bringing you to climax, why wouldn't you take advantage of that?

Quick Google search turned up with: Faking Orgasms - The Who, How, and Whys of Faking Orgasms, which says that the reasons why people (yes, people, males are included) fake orgasms are:
-they want to make their partner feel better
-to end sex when they're tired ("Women report feeling like their male partners are not satisfied until
they “give” their female partner an orgasm, thus sex will continue
until the woman either has an orgasm, or fakes orgasm.")
-to get it over with
-feelings of expectation

There is also this blog post To Fake Or Not To Fake? about why some women fake orgasms:
-they feel their partner will be crushed if they don't orgasm
-think in order to hold onto their man they need to orgasm all the time
-are self-conscious about how long it take them to orgasm
-don't know how to reach orgasm, but don't want their partners to think something is wrong with them

So I guess I'm a bit selfish when it comes to sex, as I'm not really thinking about making sure my partner is feeling like he'd going a good job, I'm mostly thinking, "What do I want? An orgasm! When do I want it? NOW!" At first, for me, getting a guy closer to climax was just a means to an end - if he was feeling good, then he'd be more inclined to want to make me feel good. Things changed with Charmeleon, as he taught me that sex can be more than just orgasms for yourself. Seeing the affect of the things you are doing to him can be arousing, and the things you do during foreplay feel pretty damn good, too.

Sorry to jump topics a bit, but you're probably thinking about those lines that led to the famous "orgasm" scene in When Harry Met Sally:

Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. That's right. I forgot. You're a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.

I admit, that I have. A couple of times with AG and once with "That Guy" (although you probably don't believe me given the circumstances of our sex and what happened afterwards). Each of those times, I did it because I realised I just didn't want to be there any more and at that point in my relationship with AG, it was pretty much purely sexual, and the only reason I met up with "That Guy" was for sex, I figured I wouldn't get to go home until they thought I had finished (both of them had driven me somewhere, and since I couldn't drive at the time, they were my only way home). I just considered those extenuating circumstances though, and I really don't consider faking it worth the effort. I'm terrible at acting, and I'm not even sure I got away with it when I did it those times. The entire time I kept thinking, "He knows, he's just too embarrassed to bring it up." and every time the car stopped on the way home, I was terrified that he'd confront me and demand to know why I did it.

As I mentioned before, and as both the articles mention, if you bother to read them, is that sex doesn't have to be all about orgasms. Well, not sex, but I mean the act of lying on bed with someone and just interacting with them physically, shouldn't just be about both of you having lots and lots of orgasms, but it can also be just both of you massaging each other, or touching stuff that feels nice, and if you happen to make them orgasm while you're at it, just consider it a bonus.

Since I'm in such a confessing mood, I have something else to confess: I think I have what the female equivalent to premature ejaculation is. =/ I guess that's not so bad, as I don't have to worry about "getting it up" again, so we can keep doing stuff, but it causes this orgasm imbalance that, to be perfectly honest, I'm not completely happy with. I think the orgasm ratio between me and Charmeleon was something like 3.5:1 (I didn't have half orgasms, it's just that most times I would orgasm 3 or 4 times, so I just took the average), and I felt bad that I was getting so many and he wasn't. I also knew in my head that if he did orgasm after I had one, we'd be waiting at least an hour before he would be ready again, and sometimes we just didn't have the time to wait around for hours (well, mostly it was just me who didn't have the time - sneaking around behind your parents's backs to have sex is a very delicate art!) so either he'd have to fake it to make me feel content, or we'd just have to have this imbalance.

Actually, I just re-thought that confession, and I didn't orgasm nearly as much with AG (I feel so guilty about writing all this stuff about him after our relationship, it's like kissing and telling and I'm so mean! At least his identity is a secret) so maybe it was just Charmeleon.

Anyway, not that I'm encouraging it, but is it really possible for guys to fake it? There's the obvious problem of having to produce some... "evidence" that you just orgasmed (I'm reminded of that scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights where the guy fakes an orgasm, and the girl doesn't believe him, so she tries to look inside the condom, but he runs away from her. After a short chase, the condom ends up flying across the room and landing on the window where it's obvious that it's empty). After some thought, I figured it might be possible to put milk inside the condom while she's not looking (yeah, I said some thought, obviously it wasn't a lot), but that just seems weird.

"Hey baby, what are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just going to get some milk - gotta keep these bones growing big and strong!"
"Why are you taking the box of condoms?"
"I, er... wanted to read the directions while I'm in the kitchen."