During the Easter/Anzac break, I played in the Journey into Nyx pre-release. This was the first MtG event that I had attended since the Fifth Dawn pre-release (June 2004), that wasn't something with only friends. Stupid as this sounds, but based on what the acquaintance said, I was keeping an eye out for the notorious boob stare. I've always wanted to have a "My face is up here" moment, as it seems like a quintessential part of being a female. I had a close call once, but it turned out to be nothing. Unfortunately for me, I did not manage to catch anybody staring at my boobs. Part of that might have been because I went with my cousin, a gay guy, an engaged guy, and an ex, but there were still two people that I played against that I hadn't met before, so it wasn't like I only played with people I knew!
The first guy was super serious about the game. We had three pretty close games (bo3), and I ended up losing 1-2 in the end, but he was definitely way more interested in my cards than in my chest. There was never really an opportunity in either of those games for tricky rules, as they were both fairly straightforward, so I can't really judge him on the respect for me aspect as we barely talked about anything other than the games we were playing. The second guy seemed very much like the stereotypical socially-awkward nerd. He was very shy, and mumbled his words a lot. Still, I did not manage to catch him in the act. As far as respect goes, I think we both respected each other. I pointed out a mistake that he made, and he pointed out a constellation trigger that I had missed - although both times, it wouldn't have affected the outcome of the game, so it wasn't a big thing. (Side note: even though we were playing against each other, tournament rules state that both players have an obligation to point out something their opponent has missed, e.g. if a Zombie creature enters the game, and one player has a Zombie creature enters trigger, but they don't realise. Obviously, it's impossible to enforce, because it might just have been that both players missed it, you can't just accuse the opposing player of not pointing out something. So it's just considered good manners.)
My other two games were against my cousin and the gay work friend, so I wasn't really trying to catch them out.
It just makes me think that sometimes someone does something, and the motive that you attribute to that action may not be the same as the reason for their action. For instance, imagine you are walking to get lunch, and someone crashes into you and nearly knocks you over, what is your first thought? I find that if I'm having a good or neutral day, my first thought is that it was an accident and they probably tripped. If I'm having a bad day, my mind immediately thinks that they were in a rush and just rude and inconsiderate, not looking where they are going or caring who they knock over along the way. It's funny how the same action can have different motives attributed to it depending on how you are feeling.
So back to the boob staring, I think that sometimes people staring while thinking, and it's unfair to just naturally assume that they are staring at your boobs. Unless it is making you uncomfortable, if it's just a quick glance or you're not entirely sure, isn't it safer to err on the side of caution and not just assume they are doing a boob stare? The reason I say this, is because it feeds into the second point my acquaintance made - about the lack of respect because she's a girl. How does she really know that's the case based on such short one-time encounters? What if they are not treating her with respect because she has lost their respect?
Let's look at 4 boob staring related scenarios:
1 - The guy was staring at her boobs and she tells them to stop.
2 - The guy was not staring at her boobs (but doing something else) and she tells them to stop.
3 - The guy was staring at her boobs and she doesn't say anything.
4 - The guy was not staring at her boobs (but doing something else) and she doesn't say anything.
In situation 1, the guy will feel reprimanded, but probably be slightly annoyed at being called out on it.
In situation 2, the guy will feel really annoyed, because he was just accused of doing something that he wasn't, and even if he were to deny it, nobody would believe him.
In situation 3, the guy will get away scot free.
In situation 4, nothing happens and the game continues as normal.
To me, it seems like situation 1 and 2 are the worst, 2 especially, and the both arise from telling him to stop staring. 3 is bad for her, as he is getting away with staring. But from a respect point of view, i.e. his respect, I'm pretty sure in both situations 1 and 2, any respect he had for her will have been lost. Well, at least in situation 1, he will be thinking negatively towards her.
I do think it's unfair that in order to be respected, or at least somewhat liked means that you have to ignore people staring at your boobs, but I think that it's something that's incredibly hard to prove. If you go in pre-disposed to think that there will be perverted boob staring people, then your motive attribution is going to hit a lot more false positives and you are going to end up pissing off more people. Then you are less likely to enjoy yourself at these events, and probably go in next time with an even more negative perception and it'll just be a positive feedback loop until you quit altogether. Which is also really unfair, if you can't do something that you enjoy because you feel ostracised from the community.
My approach has always been, if I respect them enough to treat me just like any other player, and try not to go in with any pre-dispositions, then hopefully they will respect me enough to do so, and we can all just continue with playing the game. Or am I just setting feminism back another fifty or so years? :(
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