Mid One

As I've mentioned earlier, I'm currently training for a Dota 2 match against D, and have started playing heroes other than my usual ones because I'll be playing a 3v1 match (4 bots on my team, 2 bots on his, plus his 2 friends). I've pretty much settled on going a mid hero, because I need to be able to get farmed as fast as I can, and having the solo XP and solo farm in mid lane is probably the best way to achieve that.

Mid players seem to have a certain reputation. There is the whole "solo mid or feed" mentality, where a player will demand that they have the mid lane to themselves, and threaten to throw the game if they don't get it. They hog the courier, use the shrines by themselves, expect lots of ganks from the supports, and see themselves as the best player on the team. Oh, and did I mentioned that I've become one of them?

Dr. Caligari played support while I played mid to help me get more practice. A running joke in our group is to ask me if I want them to do something for me, because "the bots won't do it", referencing the fact that the default AI in the game is pretty poor, and won't do things that skilled support players do, like share tangos, stack jungle camps, zone out opponents. I don't want to get used to the luxury of having those things, because it will be a disadvantage going into this bot match as I will expect it and not get it.

Dr. Caligari roamed to mid lane and zoned out the Dire mid player. He asked, "Should I be doing this, because the bots won't do it?" As a joke, I replied, "No, get out, you're stealing my XP." Except it only sounded like a joke in my head. The words that came out of my mouth were more like a demand. When redbeanpork commented that I really was becoming a mid player, I was shocked because it was true. I actually did want him to leave as he wasn't achieving anything hanging around my lane except leeching XP (and somewhat zoning the enemy hero, but I had done that on my own anyway). I don't think I have ever been so aggressive to one of my own teammates before in my entire Dota playing history.

He was trying to do something nice, and I was so focused on winning that I didn't even appreciate that. I apologised to him later, and fortunately, his response was to laugh and say he doesn't take any game stuff to heart.

I've now played about 25 games as a mid hero, and I am starting to get into the mindset, which is good, but I'm also afraid of the person that I'll become. My first few games were a complete disaster, and I think part of that is because I was still thinking like a support. If a teammate was in trouble, I would go in and try to save them (usually dying myself in the process). I had a very passive play-style, trying to make space for my carry to win in the late game, and just trying to avoid dying as much as I could. But it didn't work, because I was a core now, and I had to farm up and deal damage. I needed to be more aggressive.

I always found it bizarre that someone can become so toxic in a game, and start abusing their teammates over a mistake. It astonishes me that they aren't able to see how badly they are treating someone else, and how terrible their words are. There are toxic people who constantly end up muted or in low-priority queue, and they seem to honestly believe they don't belong there, yet the number of times they get reported seems to indicate otherwise. How does someone become so oblivious to their own behaviour like that?

I'm starting to see how. I don't think it's a transformation that happens overnight. It's something that probably happens over a long period of time. It starts with a snarky comment every few games or so. It probably gets results at first, especially if you are a big fish in a small pond. But you, as a player, are not improving, and  those snarky comments won't always get results. You can't see that the problem is you, so you continue to blame outwards, and snarky comments turn into criticism because you think that people aren't getting the subtle hints, and so you resort to being more direct. Criticism turns into blaming (complete with ping spamming). Blaming turns into abuse. And before you know it, you're yelling at the poor under-farmed Keeper of the Light who has been getting dewarded all game by the rich enemy supports and telling your teammates to uninstall the game.

Please don't ever let me go down this path. I take comfort in the fact that even 25 games in, despite being a bit better at it and winning more often, I find no enjoyment in playing mid. To be honest, I've found it has killed most of my desire to even play. I really can't wait for this challenge match to be over.