Had a somewhat timely discussion about religion and spirituality. I don't consider myself religious. I was an atheist for a while, but I think I'm now a lazy agnostic. I don't actively subscribe to any particular religion, but I'm happy for people to believe what they want to believe. I have to admit that I believe in something. It's a pretty stupid story, actually, and I didn't realise how stupid it was until I said it out loud. My brother, father and I were playing The Lion King on the Sega, and there was one stage that we really struggled to get past which was fairly early in the game - the wildebeest stampede level. I made my first prayer, that we would get past the level, and in exchange, I would believe. Well, my brother beat the level, and I've kept up my side... at least somewhat.
I don't know what it is I believe, actually. I don't believe in heaven, but a part of my wants to believe that there is life after death, despite the fact that everything I know points to the fact that we will die, rot away, and that'll be it. I used to believe in karma (the whole idea of a cosmic set of checks and balances that rewards the "good" and punishes the "evil"), but I started to think about how impossible such a thing could be, because there is no universal sense of good or evil. I now believe that karma is self-made, which is why I try so hard to show gratitude to the people who are nice to me.
I had a friend who is Christian. I remember asking her about how she was going to achieve a certain goal that she had set, as she didn't meet some of the requirements. I don't remember what it was exactly, but I have never forgotten her response, "I'm not worried, God will make it happen."
At the time, I wanted to shake some sense into her, "No, He isn't going to suddenly give you qualifications and skills that you don't have! You are being unreasonable!" She didn't listen to me, and I'm not sure if she ever did what it was that she wanted.
I've never been able to articulate that feeling of frustration, but when I saw the episode "The Painted Lady" from Avatar: the Last Airbender, I feel like it described how I felt. In the episode, The Gaang visit a town where the villagers are quite sick, the water around them is polluted due to a nearby factory, and the people are suffering. The whole village doesn't seem that bothered by it, as they are confident that the Painted Lady will someday return and save them once again. Lo and behold, the next morning, food supplies mysteriously appear in the village, and there is talk of the return if the Painted Lady. Another night passes, and during the night, many of the sick villagers are healed.
The "Painted Lady" who is helping them turns out to be the waterbender, Katara, in disguise and the villagers are quite upset when they find out. Sokka points out that they can't just keep relying on the Painted Lady to save them, and they're going to have to start doing things for themselves if they're going to survive. Eventually, they are spurred into action, and begin to clean the river.
I feel like this kind of blind "It's all part of the Grand Plan" kind of faith is obstructive, as it can lead some people into feeling that all they need to do to achieve something is to pray hard enough. Or maybe some of it is the thought that whatever happens was fated to happen, and we really have no control over the future at all (but that's worthy of a whole other blog post).
To some degree, I admire the people who have faith like that. If you live with the belief that good things happen to good people, then it motivates you to be good in order for those good things to happen to you. I'm of the belief that bad things happen to everyone, so to be able to keep your faith in spite of the horrible things that happen in the world every day is quite an achievement.
The reason I'm writing this post today is because someone I respect was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year, and the prognosis was not good. She was an amazing person to be around, the kind of person who brightens your day just by saying, "Hello". She was incredibly kind, put a lot of effort into cheering up the people around her, was great at her job, she did volunteer work, and seemed to have a healthy life outside of work, too. As one of the first people I worked with when I joined, I idolised her, and aspired to be like her.
Yesterday I got the news that things had taken a turn for the worst, and she would have at most a couple of days left to live. To say that I feel broken is an understatement. How can there be a God, or a Grand Plan if people like her are taken in such a way? What incentive is there to be a good person?
I guess when things like this happen, some people take comfort in the idea that it's all part of the bigger picture. The conspiracy theorist in me wants to believe that because she was such a good person, she was taken from this crummy place, and has moved on to a better place. The rational part of me knows that things like that are just a case of genetics, and in some cases, random. I crave understanding, and I always try to make sense of the things that are going on around me, but I think this is one of those things where I'm just going to have to accept that it doesn't make sense. There was a universal lottery, and she lost - the why is irrelevant. All anyone can really do is make the most of the time they have left until their number is up.
Don't worry, this isn't going to make be go all #YOLO. I just feel a bit like the night sky is just a little dimmer tonight.
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