The Big Ask

‘Why don’t you ask her out?’ I’d ask. ‘Don’t you like her?’

‘Like her? I’m nuts about her. I dream about her. She’s beautiful. She’s the kind of woman my mother would never let me go out with. She’s what I watched my roommate Norman screw for four years at BMS. A centerfold.’

‘So why don’t you ask her out?’ 

‘I’m scared she won’t like me and say no.’ 

‘So what? What have you got to lose?’ 

‘The possibility—if she says no—that she might have said yes. Whatever I do, I don’t want to lose that possibility.’
Shem, Samuel. House Of God (Black Swan) (p. 118). Transworld. Kindle Edition.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. It all started with a conversation at lunch. Queenie said she gets annoyed at women who pretend that they didn't notice someone is into them (while reaping the benefits of it). I interjected and suggested that maybe some of those women really don't notice that someone is into them. Queenie replied that it's not possible, it's obvious when someone is into you. Both Jal and I disagreed, and said we had a hard time telling if someone was into us, or just friendly. Both Queenie and Roger said they found it easy, with Queenie adding that maybe we just struggle because we're geeks.

After speaking to some other people about it, it's neither limited to geeks, nor do geeks always struggle. There seems to be a general trend for Team Hard To Tell:

Overanalysis
I've definitely been in the situation where I've seen two people who are obviously into each other, but neither of them seems to realise it. Why is it easy to see when you're on the outside? Part of it is probably because you have nothing to lose - you're just the observer. When it's happening to you, when you're the one with skin in the game, then suddenly you feel apprehensive about making a move. Did they say they like the same bands as you because they're trying to impress you, or because they genuinely just happen to like the same bands? Did they volunteer to help out with an event to spend more time with you, or because they just wanted to help out? Did they take you up to their room, dim the lights, take their clothes off and have sex with you because they like you, or because they're from Canada and they're just being polite?

Self-Confidence
Just the idea that someone could be interested in me seemed so alien at one point in my life. Even now, having been with MrFodder for so many years, I still have this fear that one day I'll wake up to a note on my pillow saying, "Ha ha, it was all a joke. As if anyone could love you. I'm going back to my real wife." And then an egg flies through the window and smashes into my face. I think Never Been Kissed has forever ruined me. So when it comes to trying to work out if it's friendly or flirting, I'd side with friendly, because who on Earth would flirt with me?

Risk Aversion
It's just not worth the risk of losing such a great friendship. Sure, you could ask them out, and maybe there's a 10% chance they'll say yes (the low self-confidence thing coming into play). Is that really worth the risk of losing the friendship?

The three things are fairly similar, in that the underlying sentiment is that it's better to be safe than sorry. But I got an interesting response from Herb:

Herb: emotions are temporary
Herb: attraction is temporary
Herb: being interested in someone is temporary
Herb: like i honestly find it weird
Herb: yes i can have an intense crush on someone
Herb: but that really means nothing
Herb: unless you are that close to them
Herb: and truly know so much about them
Herb: you are attracted to your idea of the person
Herb: the more you know someone
Herb: the more you might realise they are a good match
Herb: but until you actual embark on a relationship
Herb: those feelings are essentially meaningless
Herb: they are just the catalyst to start a relationship
Herb: and if it doesn't start then w/e
Herb: so just be mature enough when they reject you
Herb: and remember all those crushes in the past that now mean nothing

I wouldn't say my past crushes mean nothing, as I still sometimes get that jittery feeling when I bump into someone I had feelings for in the past, but I barely ever think about them now. The feelings that seemed all-consuming at the time are a faint blip on my radar. But I think in the grand scheme of things, he's right. Maybe it's just a symptom of getting older / working full time, but I barely spend time thinking about old flames, and it's usually triggered by bumping into them or seeing something that reminds me of them.

Still, the quote at the top from House of God still resonates with me: "The possibility—if she says no—that she might have said yes. Whatever I do, I don’t want to lose that possibility." I still remember that intoxicating feeling of spending time with your crush, and even if they don't outwardly say they feel the same way, the fact that they are willing to spend time alone with you deludes you into thinking that maybe they do, and that was enough to keep the possibility alive for me.

Maybe I'm just really slow, but when I have a crush on someone, it tends to last a long time - usually years. I've been thinking about what makes it end? Obviously, if it lasts years, it's probably one-sided, so you'd think at some point I'd have made the conscious decision to give up on it. Nope. I think what typically happens is that someone new comes along and takes centre stage, but since I've never actually gotten over the old crush, it can come back to whack me in the face if the new person falls out of the spotlight.

After having a long-term crush fade somewhat recently, it got me thinking about how that actually happened, and I think it's because I finally realised there were no reciprocal feelings. I opened Schrödinger's box and discovered whether the cat was alive or dead. It was well and truly dead, and the smell it was giving off made me regret not opening it sooner.

I still don't know what the secret is to being able to tell whether someone is attracted to you, though the people on Team It's Obvious seem to have a higher opinion of their own appearance (based on my perception of their opinion of their own appearance), so maybe it's just easier for them because they have more experience. Though someone pointed out that the might be equally as clueless, because until you actually find out from someone whether they're into you or not, you never really know for sure. I could walk around thinking that I turn heads everywhere I go, but it's entirely possible that there's a fire truck that is following behind me, and everyone is looking at it wondering where the fire is.

However, as the captain of Team Hard to Tell, I have to say that the waiting around hoping your crush will ask you out isn't worth it in the long run. If I were to give advice to past me, I would say set a deadline (e.g. 6 months - which I know is still a long time, but it's a lot better than multiple years). After you hit that deadline, it's time to open the box and move on if required. I think there's some benefit in waiting for your friendship to mature and to give the chance for the other person to develop reciprocal feelings, but at the end of the day, someone is going to have to make a move, and assuming you're outside high school, or somewhere really gossipy, there's no reason why it shouldn't be you. I think most people are mature enough to not hold it over your head if you like them and they don't like you back*.

* Though that might vary depending on the person, so I leave it up to you to decide whether they thrive on the drama and attention or not. As for a guide on how to tell whether they do or not, I can't help you there, sorry.

Frozen In Love

One of the things I love about Frozen is the way that it explores the various kinds of love there are. This is going to be an arts student essay on love in the movie Frozen, so obviously there will be spoilers. If you're OK with that, strap into your sled!

Elsa - Self-Sacrificial Love

In the movie, Elsa demonstrates self-sacrificial love. She doesn't fall in love nearly as quickly as her younger sister, and doesn't show exuberant, passionate love. She is willing to give up her own desires for the sake of the people she loves. This is the kind of love you tend to see from parents, who will sacrifice their needs for the sake of their children. This is also the kind of love that leads to the trope: I want my beloved to be happy.

After Elsa strikes Anna with her powers the first time when they are children, she is hidden away from Anna.

She is constantly told, "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show."

Even though we can see that she wants to reconnect with her sister, she doesn't because she wants to protect Anna from herself. This is shown subtly at the end of the song Do You Wanna Build a Snowman? when Anna sings, "Do you wanna build a snowman?" and the music has three notes that would coincide with what Elsa would sing if she were to respond, "Yes, I do." However, she says nothing instead, because she knows it's better for Anna if she stays away.

When the two of them finally meet again at the party for Elsa's coronation, they start talking again like old friends, and Elsa looks happy for the first time since she strikes Anna with her powers. But she remembers that she has to keep her distance for Anna's sake.

Anna: This is so nice. I wish it could be like this all the time.
Elsa: Me, too. But it can't.
Anna: Why not?
Elsa: It just can't.

When she ends up revealing her powers to the party-goers and nearly hurts Anna again, rather than remove everyone by force, which she has the magical power and authority to do, she flees to save them all from herself. She builds a giant ice palace and decides that everyone is better off if Anna is left in charge of Arendelle.

Elsa:
Anna,
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates

Anna:
Yeah, but - 

Elsa:
I know
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
- For the First Time in Forever (Reprise)

How Elsa manages to get food in her ice palace remains a mystery to me.

Even at the end, when it seems that she knows Hans is there to kill her, her only request is that he takes care of Anna.

When Hans tells her that Anna died of a frozen heart, she loses the will to fight, whereas previously, she was willing to fight back (though she never killed anybody).

Elsa: Just take care of my sister.
Hans: Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold. She said that you froze her heart.
Elsa: No...
Hans: I tried to save her, but it was too late. Her skin was ice. Her hair turned white. Your sister is dead. Because of you.
Elsa: No...

This kind of love is admirable, but it comes at the risk of losing sight of what the person you love needs. Or burning yourself out.

Anna - Idealistic Love

The main theme of love that features in the movie is Anna and her idealistic love. She loves quickly, and believes in the best of people, seeing through flaws that would put off others. This is the kind of love that's typical of Disney princesses and young children (before they have the life experience to become cynical). It's the kind of love that seems magical, and fills you with the belief that everything will work out, as long as you love each other.

Anna is one of the few people to love Elsa and her powers, not despite them. It might be because she's too young to understand jealousy at this point, but she seems perfectly happy enjoying the fact that Elsa has powers.

She is also perfectly comfortable telling Olaf that she loves him, moments after he was created.

Despite the fact that Elsa is now shunning her (for a reason she doesn't know), Anna constantly yearns to spend time with her, even as the years go by and Elsa continues to rebuff her.

When the gates of Arendelle are open for Elsa's coronation, Anna becomes hopeful that she'll meet "the one".

I can't wait to meet everyone!
What if I meet. The one? 

Tonight, imagine me gown and all
Fetchingly draped against the wall
The picture of sophisticated grace 

I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face! 

But then we laugh and talk all evening
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I've lead so far! 

For the first time in forever
There'll be magic, there'll be fun!
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone 

And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I'd find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I've got a chance!
- For the First Time in Forever

In her defense, the gates will only be open for one day, so this might be her only chance to meet somebody. So when she has her "meet cute" moment with Prince Hans of the Southern Isles, naturally, she falls in love.

Their whole duet illustrates just how much Anna has been longing for love, and she takes every little romantic thing that happens between them as a sign that it's true love.

Hans: I mean it's crazy...
Anna: What?
Hans: We finish each other's-
Anna: Sandwiches!
Hans: That's what I was gonna say! 

Anna: I've never met someone-
Both: Who thinks so much like me!
Both: Jinx! Jinx again! 

Both: Our mental synchronization
Both: Can have but one explanation
Hans: You-
Anna: And I-
Hans: Were-
Anna: Just-
Both: Meant to be!
- Love is An Open Door

So much so that the duet ends with:

Hans: Can I say something crazy?
Hans: Will you marry me?
Anna: Can I say something even crazier? Yes! 

The ridiculousness of the situation is highlighted by both Elsa and Kristoff.

Elsa: You can't marry a man you just met.
Anna: You can if it's true love.
Elsa: Anna, what do you know about true love?
Anna: More than you. All you know is how to shut people out.

Kristoff: So, uh, tell me. What made the queen go all ice crazy?
Anna: Oh. Well, it was all my fault. I got engaged, but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day. And... she said she wouldn't bless the marriage, and...
Kristoff: Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met that day?
Anna: Yeah. Anyway, I got mad, and so she got mad, and then she tried to walk away, and I grabbed her glove.
Kristoff: Hang on! You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day?
Anna: (rolls her eyes) Yes. Pay attention. But the thing is, she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought maybe she had a thing about dirt.
Kristoff: Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers?
Anna: (edging away from Kristoff) Yes, they did. But Hans is not a stranger.
Kristoff: Oh, yeah? What's his last name?
Anna: (scoffs) "Of the Southern Isles."
Kristoff: What's his favourite food?
Anna: Sandwiches.
Kristoff: Best friend's name?
Anna: Probably John.
Kristoff: Eye colour?
Anna: Dreamy.
Kristoff: Foot size?
Anna: Foot size doesn't matter.
Kristoff: Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats?

But Anna is still convinced it's true love. Her unwavering love for Elsa and Hans cause her trouble. First, when she confronts Elsa and ends up getting shot in the heart by Elsa's powers, causing her to slowly start to freeze.

Second, when she has to get a act of true love in order to thaw herself, and she rushes to Hans for a true love's kiss. Only to find out that he only loved her for her throne.

Hans: Oh Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you.
Anna: What? You said you did.
Hans: As thirteenth in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I would have to marry into the throne somewhere.
Anna: What... what are you talking about?
Hans: As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course. But no one was getting anywhere with her. But you...
Anna: Hans!
Hans: You were so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me just like that. I figured after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa.

Hans leaves her to freeze to death, planning to kill Elsa and tell everyone that he and Anna said their marriage vows before she froze. Olaf tells her that it's actually Kristoff that loves her, so she races towards him, but notices Hans about to kill Elsa. Rather than run towards Kristoff to save herself, her love for her sister makes her rush to intercept the blade.

This kind of love is the stuff Disney movies are made of, but it doesn't always work this way in real life. Real people have flaws and problems, and things don't just magically work out.

Hans - Selfish Love

Once you know about his true motivations, it's hard to describe what Hans and Anna share as love, but it is - love for numero uno. He's quick to fall in love... with himself. If you can't love yourself, who can you love? It gives a whole new meaning to his lines in Love is an Open Door.

Hans:
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue 

Both:
But with you...
But with you 

Hans:
I found my place... 

Anna:
I see your face... 

Both:
And it's nothing like I've ever known before!
Love is an open door!
- Love is an Open Door

Love is an open door - a door leading to the throne. To be fair, he's the youngest of 13 boys, so despite being a prince, it's going to be slim pickings by the time it gets to him for inheritances. Despite his selfish nature, he isn't shown to be completely heartless. He does a good job taking care of the town in the blizzard.

Including riding up to confront Queen Elsa when Anna's horse returns to the castle without Anna. He could easily have killed Elsa when she had her back turned and was pre-occupied with two soldiers, but he didn't.

Even though it was for selfish reasons - he needs Elsa to stop the Winter, and in case Anna doesn't make it back, maybe he was hoping he could console the grieving Elsa.

In any case, he does care for the welfare of those who serve his purposes. He is concerned for Anna, telling her it's too dangerous to go after Elsa on her own.

And he stops Elsa from killing the Duke's men.

This kind of love will typically end up consuming the other person. There is such a thing as good selfishness, as not everything that benefits one person is bad for everyone else, but love is a two-way street.

Kristoff - Cynical Love

An unusual way to describe love, but Kristoff has an unusual upbringing. He was raised by trolls. He claims that they're "love experts" and yet the only sign of love we see from him at the start of the movie is for Sven, his reindeer companion.

Kristoff:
Reindeer are better than people
Sven, don't you think that's true? 

Kristoff (pretending to speak for Sven):
Yeah, people will beat you
And curse you and cheat you
Every one of them's bad except you
- Reindeer are Better Than People

As I quoted earlier, he's doubtful of Anna's belief that Hans is her true love, but all he can do is criticise her love, he doesn't have an example of true love of his own. Despite being a "good guy", he is still single. Is it because he was left behind as a child, resulting in him giving up on people?

As an adult, he lives a life of solitude. Selling ice, and spending time with Sven. His adoptive troll family point out that he does want to love (and be loved).

He’s just a bit of a fixer-upper, he’s got a couple of bugs
His isolation is confirmation of his desperation for human hugs
So he’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but we know what to do
The way to fix up this fixer-upper is to fix him up with you!
- Fixer Upper

They are the experts, after all. That's how I would describe cynical love - you want to believe that love exists, but you've been hurt too badly that you can't see it being possible.

At the start, his relationship with Anna is purely transactional - he takes her to see her sister at the top of the North mountain, and she pays for his stuff. He gets more than he bargained for when his sled ends up falling off a cliff and smashing to pieces.

Anna: I'll replace your sled, and everything in it. I understand if you don't want to help me anymore.
Kristoff: (to Sven) Of course I don't want to help her anymore. In fact, this whole thing has ruined me for helping anyone ever again.
Anna: (in the distance) Is it this way?
Kristoff (pretending to be Sven): She'll die on her own.
Kristoff: I can live with that.
Kristoff (pretending to be Sven): But you won't get your new sled if she's dead.
Kristoff: Sometimes I really don't like you.

He agrees to help her, but it's still transactional at this point. After they meet Elsa on the mountain, I think he comes to care for her well-being, but it's still far from "true love". Still, by this point, Anna has saved his life once, and they've been through a lot of life-threatening situations together, so it's understandable that he feels some connection to her.

When her hair starts to turn white, he takes her to Granpabbie, the troll leader, to ask for guidance, because unbeknownst to him, he saw Granpabbie help Anna as a child.

The trolls, especially his adoptive mother, are excited that he has brought him a girl for the first time. During the entire Fixer Upper song, he never denies being in love with Anna, instead pointing out that it won't work because she's engaged. When it is revealed that Anna is going to freeze unless she gets an act of true love, he doesn't hesitate to take her to Hans.

He doesn't say it, but leaving her behind at the castle breaks his heart. Sven tries to convince him to turn around.

Sven sees right through the BS.

This is the kind of love where you're the last person to realise you're in love, but when you do, it hits you like a ton of bricks. When he sees the snowstorm building up, he races back, sensing that Anna is in danger. He's taking a huge risk riding across the frozen fjord in the snowstorm (I just really wanted to write "fjord" once in this blog), but despite his newfound love for Anna, his first concern is still for his long-time companion Sven.

It's only after he's sure Sven is safe that he continues after Anna. And even then, he doesn't tell her that he loves her (though to be fair, he was interrupted by her getting frozen, and then Elsa discovering how she can stop the eternal Winter).

This kind of love is pragmatic, but if you're not careful, you run the risk of being alone.

Mixing it All Together

All four of the types of love have their pros and their cons. Elsa, Kristoff and Anna all learn from each other, and develop over the course of the movie.

Anna and Kristoff admit their feelings for each other at the end.

Anna: (referring to the new sled) Do you like it?
Kristoff: Like it? I love it! I could kiss you!
(pause)
Kristoff: I could. I mean, I'd like to. I'd... May I? We me. I mean, may we? Wait, what?
(Anna kisses Kristoff on the cheek)
Anna: We may.

Notice how there are no marriage proposals! Anna has learned to take it slower - and with someone she has known for more than a day. Kristoff has finally allowed himself to let someone in.

Elsa realises that by isolating Anna, she's hurting her more than she's helping her. Anna is quite lonely during her childhood.

Do you want to build a snowman?
Or ride our bikes around the halls
I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
the pictures on the walls
- Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?

When Anna is willing to sacrifice herself to save Elsa, it makes Elsa realise that Anna would rather die than be without her sister (which is contrary to her belief that Anna would be better off without her). By isolating Anna, she inadvertently drove her into Hans' arms. It also makes you wonder what kind of ruler she would be if she kept herself in her room most of the time.

Anna's sacrifice also conveniently leads to the revelation that love thaws, answering Elsa's question from earlier in the movie, "What power do you have to stop this Winter?".

I read a theory that said that Anna's idealistic love is her power. The theory says that Hans actually did love her at the start, but it wore off once she wasn't around anymore. Elsa loved her as a kid, but also exiled herself from Anna's presence. Even grumpy Kristoff comes to love her in the end. I don't think it really holds up though, and to be honest, it's a pretty messed up power to have. How would you ever know if someone genuinely loves you, or if they only love you because you made them love you?

Unfortunately, Hans doesn't seem to learn anything.

Funnily enough, if he had genuinely loved Anna, he would have the throne, as his kiss would have saved Anna, and Elsa would have exiled herself, or at least given up the throne, leaving him to rule with Anna.

That being said, there is something valuable in selfish love, and it's that first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. It's great to be a giver, but if you give all you've got, then you'll have nothing left to hold yourself up. Elsa was miserable for most of the movie because she gave up so much for Anna. It's only Anna's plot armour that saves her from being raped, or mugged or something - I don't think you can go around in life being that naïve.

The move shows that there's more to love than a "meet cute" moment and a catchy duet. I'm glad Disney is moving away from the "love at first sight" stories, and actually putting in the effort of building up a relationship.

Love is a Lasagne

Whenever I make a lasagne, I think of Autofix. I told him about how mine always turn out a bit too watery, and he said that whenever his mum makes one, and it turns out a bit watery, his dad knows it's bad, he knows it's bad, his sister knows it's bad, and his mum knows it's bad. They'll all be at the dinner table, with that knowledge, but they'll eat it anyway. Without complaint. So yeah, whenever I make a lasagne, I think of Autofix's disappointed face. Him shaking his head at me, thinking, "This isn't how Italians eat."

But anyway, I made a lasagne yesterday, and I messed it up pretty badly. On the plus side, I made my own pasta, because I hate how the dried lasagna sheets never quite fit the baking dish, so I made my own so that it would be the right size! On the minus side, what I thought was vegetable stock was actually frozen coffee, leftover from when I made ice-cream. I thought my sense of smell was just off due to hayfever, but nope, it actually wasn't vegetable stock. Yep, there's coffee in my lasagne. And the celery isn't quite cooked all the way through.

MrFodder said he'll eat it anyway.

I felt such a strong burst of affection. You have to understand, MrFodder has to eat a lot of failed dishes. He calls them "adventures". Sometimes even he can't stomach it, and it has to go in the bin, but he always puts in an honest effort.

Let's be real, lasagne isn't some super fancy dish. It's pretty unlikely that someone is going to go to a 5-star restaurant and order it. It doesn't look like much, but it's delicious, easy-to-make (well, it's easy to make something edible, at least), and it feels pretty damn good to dig into a slice of lasagne after a long day at work. It's a hearty comfort food.

For me, that's what I want from a partner. The Hollywood-style grand gestures aren't what help a relationship last, it's the person that's there for you at the end of a long day. You don't have to dress up for them every day, you don't have to write them poems or love letters, or songs all the time, or bring them extravagant gifts. After the honeymoon period has worn off, they'll probably look like goopy layers of pasta slotted between layers of meat and cheese, but you don't care, because the sight of them is a comfort to you.

Love is when you know your partner has messed up, and accidentally poured coffee into something that shouldn't have coffee in it, but you know they know they messed up, so you don't feel the need to make them feel bad about it.

Love has different layers, and on their own, they're not super spectacular, but they each bring something to the table. (Although I'm a weirdo who loves plain pasta, so maybe it's just me.)

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to make a brag post, but I was just feeling pretty grateful for MrFodder, and I probably don't show it as often as I should.

(As a side note, you couldn't really taste the coffee in the lasagne, so it all worked out, though I might be a bit more hyper than normal.)

The Bridget Jones Effect

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I've been reading this book series Eat, Pray, Die about a poison tester who eats food and solves crimes. I've been completely sucked in by this series. I read it during my lunch break, I read it while walking to and from places, I read it while my IDE is busy re-indexing my code. If there's a spare few minutes of my time, I'll sneak in a few pages. Not the most responsible, but I really am hooked.

In typical Fodder fashion, I've been thinking about why, and it finally dawned on me during the start of the first book. The main character is basically Bridget Jones. I'm sure there are tons of posts analysing the Bridget Jones Effect, and here's another one to add to the mix.

The big "awwww" moment in the movie was Mark Darcy's famous "Just as you are" speech:

I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.

As far as good traits go, Bridget is sorely lacking. She's not amazing at her job, smokes, is borderline alcoholic, always seems to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and struggles with her weight. When it first came out, she was possibly one of the most relatable female protagonists out there. She wasn't the super mum, or the action girl, or the manic pixie dream girl - she wasn't the kind of woman that other women dreamed about being, she was the woman that they are.

Yet despite her flaws, she had two men chasing after her (and a pervy uncle), she did manage to land a job that she was accidentally good at, and she does manage to come out on top in the end. Mostly due to her quaint personality. Despite what I said in the last paragraph about her not being the kind of woman that other women dreamed about being, she was still a fantasy, albeit one a lot of people could actually reach without being a supermodel ninja. I wanted people to see that underneath my quirky nature, I do try hard, and I do have good qualities. And, of course, it wouldn't hurt if Colin Firth decided that he liked me, flaws and all.

This lead me to think about whether the Bridget Jones fantasy is actually healthy. Self-improvement is a huge aspect of my life, and so the idea of waiting around until Mr Right comes along who will love me just as I am seems at odds with that. But the idea of changing an aspect of myself in order to try and attract someone else seems wrong - it seems fake, and at the end of the day, if the person does decide to spend the rest of their life together with you, do you really want to have to pretend to love the esoteric Irish sport hurling for the rest of your life? Nope, me, neither.

I think that's what's so appealing about the "just as you are" love - it requires no effort. But I don't think it would really work without effort. MrFodder says he loves me despite all my flaws, which is probably as close to "just as you are" as I'll get. Some of my flaws he even finds endearing (e.g. the weird things that seem to happen to me (although I say "seem to happen to me", I have a feeling I cause them more often than not)). However, on my side, I try to minimise those things, because even if he loves me despite those things, I think flaunting it in his face all the time is probably not a good way to have him continue loving me.

That's the balance I'm comfortable with - how far I'm willing to be Bridget, and how far I want to go to be a good partner.

Today's side note: As an example of how I've changed, I quoted Mark Darcy in the same way in an earlier blog post (over 10 years ago!), and back then I was using it to explain why women can be clingy. While I still agree with the things that I wrote back then, I feel like I am a lot less insecure, and can get validation from myself, so hopefully MrFodder doesn't think I'm clingy!

Changing the Mind Set

MrFodder commented that my photos so far are a bit uninspired, as I've just been taking pictures of things around me, and not really going out of my way to do anything. He makes a good point, so I am going to try a bit harder to get some photos I wouldn't normally look for. Not that every photo will be like that, as there are other things I'd like to be doing, but every now and again, it would be nice. This photo actually took a while, as I had to wait for the sun to start setting.

Today's photo is important for a couple of reasons. I used to spend a lot of time around here as a kid. My dad loves fishing, so quite often, the whole family would hop into the car, and my mum, siblings and I would play on the sand while my dad went fishing. My brother and I joined him a couple of times, but I was put off by having to put the bait on the hook, so I tended not to stay for very long. I think my dad enjoyed the alone time anyway, as I'm pretty sure my introverted nature is inherited from him (if it is genetic).

Now that my dad is retired, I think he'd like to do more fishing, but unfortunately, he never learned to drive, so he has to rely on someone else to take him. Well, technically, he could catch public transport, but nobody wants to smell dead fish on their commute home. To be honest, and I know this is a bit selfish of me, I don't really want to drive him, because I don't want the smell of fish in our car either. That's another childhood memory that I don't spend much time dwelling on.

The other important part of today's photo is the sunset itself. I was talking to a co-worker about love, and the different wants people show / feel love. He asked me for an example of when I felt filled with love and I mentioned a time when MrFodder had a BBQ pork bun left, which is one of his favourite foods. I was looking for something to eat, and he split his pork bun in half and gave it to me.

I directed the question to my co-worker, and he responded that when he sees his wife framed by a sunset reflecting off a building, it's such a beautiful sight and makes him feel filled with love. I responded, "That's really cute." but really, I was thinking, "How could that possibly evoke a feeling of love?"

I still don't understand his point of view, but as I was standing around waiting for the sunset today, I was thinking about all the things that I could be doing right at that moment. I had a batch of ice-cream ready to be mixed, I had this blog post to write, I could be playing Dota 2 or Town of Salem, I could be cooking my lunch for the week. But I stayed, and I waited.

Then I was reminded of my time in Europe with MrFodder. We climbed this huge hill in Nice, and once we got to the top, we had an amazing view of the whole city.

This was only part of the view.

(There have been a lot of double-image posts lately.)

MrFodder was completely mesmerised by the experience, but I remember thinking, "OK, we've made it to the top, taken a couple of photos, what's next?" I didn't even really see the point of taking a photo, because if we wanted a photo of the Nice coastline, we could find one via Google which was probably taken with much better equipment than ours, and from a much better angle.

As I stood there waiting for the sunset, I thought about how it's not really necessary to min-max my life. Sure, I have an ever-growing to-do list, but sometimes it's nice to just be present in the moment and experience something as it's happening, not start to worry about what's next to cross off the list.

Maybe what my co-worker appreciates so much in that moment is not just the beautiful sight of his wife, but also the appreciation of the fact that he managed to find someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and who also wants to spend the rest of their life with him.