Today was another early lunch day, so I messaged my 11:30AM lunch crew, except once again, it was delayed until 12PM and I was pretty hungry. I'm going to need to find a new early lunch group. :(
But that wasn't my only reason for wanting to eat with them, I think I've been pretty drained with all of my projects at the moment, and I couldn't think of anything to write for today's post, so I thought I'd steal inspiration from them. However, they asked me why I was so tired, and I mentioned my baby practice session yesterday, and they both laughed saying how 2 hours with a kid is nothing compared to having one full time.
Then the entire discussion turned to children. I tried to change the topic, because I'm currently all babied out, but it went right back. They both insisted that once I had a baby of my own, something would switch inside me and everything would become about protecting my kid. Although Michael followed that up by saying he has seen some people who have made him wonder why they had a kid since they're so irresponsible.
So I write what I'm about to write with the full knowledge that MrFodder will read this, and any potential children we may have, but I want to preface this by saying that feeling a certain way, and acting on it are two different things.
For a long time, I never wanted to get married. There are a bunch of different reasons, but I think at the core of it, I feel like I must have some long-lasting version of ADHD. I can be completely passionate about something, and then after a certain period has passed, completely drop it and move on to something else.
I was afraid that this would happen with MrFodder (or anyone I was with, really), which is partly why I felt so reluctant to tie our futures together. I thought I could make it work, which is why I decided to give it a shot, but I think it's also why I've been beating myself up over MrCrush. A part of me is wondering, is this the point at which I lose interest in MrFodder and move on? But I asked a bunch of people who have been in a relationship for a long time, and they all seem to think it's a perfectly normal reaction. Which brings me some comfort, but I'm still waiting for the day where I can see MrCrush and say, "Hey, there's a problem with the database, can you send that trade through again?" and just think, "There's a problem with the database, and the trade needs to be replayed" and not, "Awesome, another excuse to work together!"
If I did wake up a bunch of days in a row, and realise that I didn't have feelings for MrFodder, at least I would have the option of beginning divorce proceedings. I don't think that's something you can really do with a child, and while I would feel absolutely terrible for having wasted so many years of MrFodder's life, I would feel even more terrible having brought a child into the world that I didn't want anymore. That I had grown bored of. Since I can't see into the future, I can't guarantee that that will never happen.
The other thought I had while at lunch was whether every parent is just waiting for an opportunity to talk about their kids. Michael and MrBrioche rarely talk about their children, probably because we're talking about other things and they just never come up. But once they started, it felt like there was no stopping. Although I guess part of it is that they were both trying to reassure me that I'd be fine taking care of my own kids, and that now would be a good time to start.
As selfish as this sounds, I don't want to begin living vicariously through my children. I still have so many things that I want to see and do. I wrote a post earlier about having purpose in life, and I feel like the little activities I do to improve myself bring purpose to me. I live by the philosophy that you should leave something in a better condition than when you found it, and I would like to die knowing that the world is a better place in some way, even if that is briefly bringing light to someone else's life. Would I be able to do that and raise a child / children at the same time? I would lose time for all of my little projects.
Lastly, what if I turn out to be a terrible parent? I'm sure most people have kids with the idea that their kid will be amazing. They have all kinds of ideas on what kind of person they'll raise them to be, and be excited at the prospect of sharing their hobbies with their kids. But it doesn't always work out. My mum kept saying she wanted me to marry some rich guy and live an easy life, a dream that seemed to die once I showed absolutely no aptitude for beauty or any of the required skills to snare someone rich. Then she wanted me to go into medicine or law, and, well... given that there's a "programming" tag for this blog, we can all work out how well that went. I feel like I'm the opposite of what my mum would have wanted, and feel like I'm constantly letting her down.
Normally, I'd join them for coffee after lunch, by which I mean I sit there while they drink coffee, but I couldn't today, because I felt like if we had kept talking, I probably would have burst into tears, which would have been super unprofessional. Why can't I be normal for once? I'll probably feel differently in a year, so I'll be able to look back on this post and see how I've matured.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to get all sad. The steamed bun rolls from Roll'd were really nice. The bun was sweet, but not too sweet, and the fillings were delicious, especially the tofu. I have been to Roll'd plenty of times, but never ordered anything other than the BBQ chicken or tofu soldiers, so I made myself try something new. Even though they're probably less healthy, I prefer the taste of the bao over the soldiers, so I'm glad I did.
