Schrödinger's Friend Zone

Recently, a friend of mine decided he was going to stop talking to a mutual friend of ours. It came as a bit of a shock to me, as I always thought there was something between the two. They would always comment on each others' Facebook statuses, and they kept inviting each other to things involving friendship groups that didn't overlap. E.g. I'd have dinner with a group of my friends including Friend A, and all of a sudden, he would start inviting Friend B, even though she didn't know anyone else there other than the two of us. I even asked Friend A how he felt about Friend B, but he was very vague, and unwilling to say commit to having or not having feelings for Friend B.

(The following sequence of events is only the story from the point of view of Friend A, so keep that bias in mind.)

Not too long ago, Friend A asks Friend B whether she wants to hang out together one night. Friend B says she is busy and says she only does group catch-ups. Friend A is confused, but suggests having dinner one night with a few other friends as well. Friend B says she caught him out, and that he only said that afterwards (implying that he only wanted to have dinner with her, like a date).

He said that wasn't the reason he changed it to a dinner with friends, and she replies saying that she isn't actually interested in him, and he replies with the same. Now it seems they are not speaking with each other.

Schrödinger's Friend Zone is probably not an accurate description of this effect, but I was thinking, what happens when you are mutually friend zoned? How can this happen? Well, I think one way is when two people are each other's Plan Bs. Similar to the pact between Julia Roberts' character and Dermot Mulroney's character in My Best Friend's Wedding - if neither of us is married by 30, we marry each other. Two people who enjoy each other's company enough to be able to spend a lot of time together, but not enough that they are still looking for "The One" elsewhere.

The biggest problem here, is the balance of power. As long as both people are happy to stay like this, then it serves as an ego boost for both of them - the thought that there is someone out there who loves them (at least, as far as they can tell) is a comfort, and reduces the pressure of finding a partner. However, as time goes by, each person start to wonder more and more whether they will actually find someone.

If one person reaches the point of falling back on Plan B before the other, then the power shifts towards the person who is still hopeful of finding a partner elsewhere. If that person is willing to fall on Plan B as well, then all is good, but if not, then it's something that is likely to break a good friendship (as in the case above).

The entire thing hinges on whether or not the feelings are reciprocated remains an unknown. Once that box has been opened, both people are clear where they stand, and so the possibility of the other person being a Plan B is removed (unless that person still holds on to the hope that the other one will change their mind, which is normal for a period of time, but I think it's healthy to move on after they have shown that there is no possibility of it happening - basically turning it into a one-way friend zone).

I think a lot of people have Schrödinger's Friend Zones without even realising it, and it's always an unfortunate moment when they disintegrate. Or, if you are big-headed like I am, you get into near-Schrödinger's Friend Zone disintegration moments, where someone asks you to coffee or cocktails, and you mistakenly believe they are trying to ask you out, but it turns out that they are just promoting a bar. ~_~

(Disclaimer: It's not that I think Friends A and B are like this, this is just what it made me think of.)

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Current weight: 65.5kg

Eyes Wide Shut

O.5 warning here! Should also add a TMI warning, as well.

She closed her eyes as he entered her, pushing deep inside her causing a soft moan to leave her throat... So begins the generic sex scene from so many stories. I always wondered, what's with the closed eyes?

When I was with AG, I decided I was going to open my eyes during sex to see whether it was any different. It took me a while, because I kept forgetting to do it, but one night, I was lying on his ex-girlfriend's sister's bed (yes, I am a horrible person for doing this in someone else's bed), and he was pounding away, and I opened my eyes. At that moment, I forgot all about my experiment as all I could see was AG's face so close to mine. He had his eyes closed, and it felt like such an invasion of privacy to see him like that, all red-faced, looming above me. It was such a turn-off that I never did it again.

I don't think that's the reason though, as I'm pretty sure my eyes were closed the first time we had sex. My first theory was that it makes it feel better. They say that people who are blind find that they can make up for it with their other senses, as though they have been enhanced by the one sense that is lost, maybe by closing your eyes during sex, it enhances the feeling of it. I guess it makes some sense, if you think of it from a divided attention point of view. We only have a limited amount of attention, and when you have five senses that are battling to be noticed, with sight being the most predominant of them all, removing visual sensory input should lead to the other four senses having an increased presence.

My second theory was that it's due to influence from media. Things like erotic literature, or sex scenes from movies or TV shows, even pornos have their fair share of women arching their backs as they reach orgasm, mouths open wide and eyes tightly shut. Can't speak for the guys in pornos though, as I mostly focus on the ACA trifecta - abs, cock, ass - not really paying attention to their facial expression. Maybe someone can offer some of their experience in this area. Anyway, I figure for a lot of people, they see porn (even soft-core) long before they actually have sex, so they will be conditioned to think that this is how you are supposed to act during sex.

Further on the conditioning theory, I read somewhere that some guys have a lot of trouble reaching orgasm through sexual intercourse. The supposed cause being the fact that nothing can simulate the same feeling they get from their hand during masturbation, and they have conditioned themselves for so long to get off in this way that they really struggle with any other method. Makes sense to me, I mean, your hand is made for gripping things, and a vagina is made to be able to push out a baby's head, so one of them is probably going to have a tighter hold than the other. So it made me wonder, what other kind of behaviours do we get conditioned into due to masturbation?

I don't know if it's just me, so here's a try-it-yourself section if you want! I can't seem to finish if I masturbate with my eyes open. I will watch porn on the computer, then when it's done, shut it down, get ready for bed, and then rub one out under the sheets with my eyes closed ready for sleep. I tried this one with my eyes open as well, and I found a lot of the time I'd be thinking of something hot and really getting into it, then wonder if I can touch the light bulb with my head if I stand on my tiptoes on the bed. Or looking at the cookbooks on my shelf wondering what kind of dessert I should try to make next.

So maybe this has conditioned me into finding it difficult to orgasm with my eyes open. Anyway, this is all based on a sample-size of one, and so, like most of my thoughts on this blog, probably don't have the weight of a proper scientific experiment. Feel free to add your own thoughts and/or experiments in the comments!

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Current weight: 66kg

GP says that I should weigh myself in the morning before eating to get a more consistent weight, but who has enough time in the morning to do 30 minutes of exercise (more, as you have to take into account loading screen times (though they're much shorter in WiiFit Plus))?! I would rather get that little bit extra sleep.

Under My Umbrella

When it rains, it pours. I've already blogged about seeing Daniel again, and now both RB and MrMan5 have reappeared. I was pretty surprised, as I never really got to resolve anything with MrMan5. After my expedition to work up the courage to ask him out, I only managed to do it through a Facebook message, and he never replied.

(Which, by the way, is something that is pretty heartless. For the first couple of days, I told myself that maybe he hadn't read it, as he was too busy, or just hadn't had the chance to get online. But as the days went by, that excuses was harder and harder to hold onto, and so in the end, I had to move out of that denial phase and accept that he just didn't want me. Then there was all the self-analysis that came afterwards, but there was a little part of me that held onto the hope that maybe he would wake up one day and decide to take a chance. Would have been so much nicer if he had just let me know at the start and I could have gotten over it sooner.)

I was just thinking about the different ways that I reacted to coming into contact with all of them again. Well, RB doesn't count in a way, Graham said he wanted to meet up with us, but I still chat to him online every now and again, so it's not out of the blue, and doesn't carry any weird feelings. I wish things with all of my past male interests could have ended up the same way things are with RB now.

With Daniel, I wanted to be an ice queen. Courteous, but a stone wall. He used flirt... it's not very effective. This is probably all in my head, but it felt a bit powerful. The last time we met, he was definitely the one with the power (and I probably had too much to drink), but this time, I felt so in control. He would try a line, and I'd lead him to think that maybe it was working, then BAM! Blue balls. OK, now I know it was all definitely in my head, as I doubt he was even thinking that much about it, but hey, if it's something that makes me feel good about myself, then it's a good thing, right?

With MrMan5, I find that there's this part of me that's a little puppy, wanting his attention. Wanting him to see that I've actually done OK for myself - I have a (maybe) good job, I'm in a happy relationship, and I've actually moved out of home. I'm not the complete mess of a person I was all those years ago. Although, I have to attribute a lot of that to MrMan5.5, so maybe if something had happened between me and MrMan5, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

Before I go to bed though, I want to admit something that I'm not all that proud of. I stopped stalking MrMan5's Facebook page for a long time now, but every time a mutual friend tells me something bad has happened to him, I feel good about it. I know it's wrong, because he's such a nice person, but I honestly can't stop myself. Maybe now is my chance to redeem myself.

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I only missed two WiiFit sessions this week, which is probably a good thing, as I'm starting to feel sore from all the muscle and yoga exercises.

So last week, I was at 66kg, and this week, I am at 66.5kg. It's a reverse of what I wanted, but I guess that is mostly due to all the eating out I have done over the past week. I'm finding that I like WiiFit Plus a lot more than WiiFit, as it allows you to queue up a bunch of exercises which saves a lot of menu time (which is one of the things I really didn't like about WiiFit, and most games with excessive menu transitions).

Shumi

I thought I would start blogging more now that I've started a new chapter in my life, full time work, but most of the time, I'm either too tired to write anything, or I'm afraid what I want to write might contain some sensitive information, and I don't want to get into trouble. So most of what I write is probably going to be on the lunchtime philosophy of the Arnie twins.

I find them so refreshing after meeting so many of the grads who seem to think they are on the path to being world leaders or something. Someone in my new team summed it up nicely, "The graduate program tells us that we're full of fresh ideas, and that everyone wants to listen to what we have to say, but in reality, we're sitting in a line behind last year's grads, who are sitting behind the 2009 grads, etc." So when I get yet another email from one of the grads trying to make their mark, I always have to resist the urge to add them to an auto reply list, which sends an email saying that there is a technical error, and I was unable to receive their email. Then it forwards that email to my junk folder.

A few weeks ago, George said to me that he finds it strange that there are so many girls out there whose only hobby is their boyfriend. They might go shopping, or learn to cook, but the main center of their activities is either attaining, or keeping a boyfriend. If they do have a boyfriend, then they will also spend a large amount of time with them. While George did say he excluded me from that generalisation (because I am a tech girl, rather than a "normal" girl), I have to say, I feel like it applies to me as well. I mean, I even said myself that one of the main reasons I wanted to learn to cook was because someone told me that there are two ways to get a guy, be really good in bed, or be really good in the kitchen.

Though I think now that MrMan5.5 and I have settled in together, I don't feel like so much of my life revolves around him. While there are things that I do for him, a lot of my focus now has been on self-improvement for my own sake (like going to Ruxmon and Limited WIP). While we do spend a lot of time together, we have our own lives, and our own preferences.

But is it a good thing to have your partner as your hobby? Now that my sample size of married couples has grown to something larger than one, let's take a look:

COUPLE #1

They seem pretty independent of each other when it comes to pastimes - sometimes to the extent that I wonder if one of them spends more time with the denizens of the internet than with his wife. However, they seem pretty happy when I see them together. I don't imagine that they hold each other back when one of them wants to do something and the other doesn't. Nor do I get the impression that when one of them is busy, the other one is just sitting there watching them do whatever they are doing.

COUPLE #2

He seems to be the center of her life. Everything they do, they seem to do together. I don't even know if they have their own group of friends, it just seems to be one group (and not even partly her group, she seems to have melded into his group). On the few occasions that I have seen them together, it seems like he is trying to get away from her.

It reminds me of a couple MrMan5.5 and I saw on the plane to and from Japan. The wife was seated next to us, and she wouldn't stop talking for the entire flight. I had my book in front of me, and MrMan5.5 was playing his DS, but she didn't seem to take the hint, and the only way I could escape her was to fall asleep. She was saying to the flight attendant that the ticket people made a mistake, and her husband was seated somewhere else, and if possible, she'd like to be moved to where he is.

MrMan5.5 and I have a theory that he purposely asked to be seated away from her. When was saw them on the way back to Australia, we dodged them, even going so far as to run through China airport so we could make it around the corner through that foreign transfer thing without getting stuck in line with them.

To be honest, I prefer Couple #1's style. I find that I need to spend some time without having to deal with people, and although I still talk to people online, it doesn't feel the same as talking to someone face-to-face. I guess because I can just leave whenever I want. I don't feel like I need to drag MrMan5.5 everywhere with me, nor do I feel like I have to squeeze myself into his circle of friends somehow. Maybe it's also better like this, as it will take longer for you to get sick of each other if you don't spend every waking moment together.

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So the other thing that has come from the Arnie twins is my new weight loss scheme - WiiFit. I noticed it sitting with them today, they're both big, buff, bodybuilding types, and I'm this fat Asian girl sitting with them at lunch. I could just hear the song in my head, "One of these things is not like the others..." While I could console myself with the fact that even though they're all buff, they're not gamers like me, so they must have way more time to spend at the gym. But it's not true, they're both really good at TF2, and they spend a lot of time building their own electronic stuff, and yet they still manage to make the time to go to the gym.

So my new thing is I'm going to use WiiFit to train. Why WiiFit even though it's a gimmick? Well, I have tried running, and I have no motivation, but I think I will be more motivated when high scores are involved. All WiiFit really needs is achievements and I'd be hooked. The other part is, I have this idea in the back of my head that I'll become an urban legend, like that guy who managed to lose a heap of weight playing DDR, I'll be that girl who lost weight playing WiiFit!

Hopefully, it'll also motivate me to blog more, as I'll be updating my results at the bottom of a post every week.

So today, my weight is 66kg.

In 2 months, I am aiming to be 60kg.

Wish me luck!

Silence in the Library

I saw Daniel again today.

Quentin Tarantino rewind: Derek is a guy at work who has become somewhat of a mentor to me. I mentioned to him that even though I studied software engineering, I don't consider myself all that technical-minded, so he suggested I start going to some tech meet-ups after work to meet people who I can learn things from. The only one I knew of was 2600. I figured it has been three years, surely Daniel isn't still going, so I would be safe. (Actually, in the meantime, Tong has introduced me to Limited WIP, and they're a really interesting bunch of people, I would recommend it.)

So I emailed the local 2600 mailing list, and asked if they still meet. I got a reply from the guy monitoring the list saying that they do still meet, and that I should also try going to Ruxmon (the monthly Ruxcon meet). Various events stopped me from going for a while and the organiser kept emailing me to remind me to go to the next one, and I kept replying that I would try to. Eventually, I made it to a Ruxmon meet, and at their second meet, I realised Daniel was there. Well, I wasn't sure it was him, but I saw him checking Facebook on his phone, so I decided I would say hi to him on Facebook and ask if he was at Ruxmon. Got no reply, so I thought maybe I had the wrong person.

Then this:

I just thought, "Wow, it has been three years, surely not?" A quick search through my blog archive makes me realise I never actually made this post, even though it was sitting in my to-do list for a long time. Many thanks to QC for sending me the chat log:

[edited to remove stuff that isn't important - I swear it doesn't change the context, ask QC! And the "me" here isn't me, but QC.]

Jessica: so jodes did we tell u that dan got drunk at lca

jody : nope but im sure he did
but he cant anymore

Jessica: on google student party

jody : yeah
what did he do?

Jessica: mm should we tell her jed

jody : did he grab other peoples ass?

Jessica: no

jody : cos he usually does that
ask for a head job?
dance bad?

Jessica: well flame was there tristen was there for a tiny bit and i was there and jed
no ewwl
we didnt dance just drank

jody : then it was not so bad
ah

me: he didn't ask for a head job, he gave someone a head job
in the middle of the dance floor

jody : lol

Flame: hang on... who is offering head jobs?

me: in fact, he gave flame a head job
in the middle of the dance floor

tdfwilson: and me without my banana

me: poor tristan

jody : yeah, well as long as it wasnt anna

me: no, not anna
wait, how do you know anna

jody : she tried to move into Dans life
but i put a stop to it

me: oh, really?

jody : yeah, well i hope so or else Dan would be in deep shit
and he said he wont

me: You're the girlfriend, then?

jody : yes
so you have heard of me

me: Only by reputation.

That was from 2008. Anyway, it seems like she felt the need to remind me that she still exists in Daniel's life. You can tell by the huge time gap in my reply on Facebook that I did not know what to say to her at all. But that is not the end of it. So rather than replying to me on his wall, Daniel decided he was going to send me a private message instead:

My reply was actually me trying to dodge going to 2600 this month. I was pretty much 50/50 on going by Wednesday, and Friday morning, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to go. Until I received an email from the organiser faithfully reminding me to go, and apologising for not being around last month due to Ruxmon (actually, I was at Ruxmon, too, and I was the one who ran home afterwards rather than joining them for a drink, so I felt kinda bad for not even introducing myself - although, to be fair, I was with Gerald, and I didn't think it would be fun for him if I dragged him around trying to find this guy).

So against my better judgement, I went along to 2600 today. Of course, Daniel was there. He said that he didn't remember me, though he did remember QC. I did talk to him throughout the night, but I tried to get to know some of the other people there. (We were joking that Daniel's heritage made him want a woman with a beard, and I asked the guy next to me if he would ever date a woman with a beard. He turned to his left, pointed to his partner (who has a large beard) and said, "I'm gay". Oops....hooray first impression!)

There was a drunk woman at the bar, who Daniel went to flirt with while the rest of us moved further inside the bar. I thought it was funny, it was nice to see some things never change. The guys were calling Daniel by his online nick, and I know it's probably really mean to make fun of people's online nicks, but I wasn't sure what they said, but it sounded a lot like "Finkle and Einhorn" (thumbs up if you get the reference).

I guess I'm writing this because I kinda feel really relieved. I just think that if I had managed to get Daniel all those years ago, and he somehow became more than a pokemon to me, I would be in Jody's position right now, suspicious of every single female that contacts him (though I have to say, it's justified suspicion). The fact that I'm not, and that I have someone who trusts me, and who I trust, makes me feel pretty damn good. =)