Go Mo'

Living up to all my mo-mittments this month (was that bad? Yeah, it was bad). As I mentioned earlier, the mo-cake I wanted to make for Emily has finally made an appearance. I am really bad at drawing the right-side of a moustache. Mine are never symmetrical! Plus, I realised I had made it too big, and if I made the right side as long as the left, it wouldn't be in the centre.

redbeanpork linked me a video on how to make a matcha mille crêpe cake (text version can be found here: https://www.justonecookbook.com/matcha-mille-crepe-cake/). I used Nami's recipe for anpan, and her recipes are incredibly easy to follow as she has pictures for all the steps, and lots of handy tips. The matcha mille crêpe cake was also really straightforward, though it does seem intimidating.

I did a practice one first:

And realised that cooking the crêpes like I normally cook them results in a brown colour on the crêpes, and the matcha flavour isn't as strong. I probably should have read the recipe properly, instead of skipping past the instructions on cooking the crêpes thinking I already knew how to make them. I found that when I cooked them over a lower heat for a longer time, they retained that strong green colour, and the matcha flavour wasn't overpowered by the browning process.

The other mistake I made was adding far too much cream between layers in my first attempt:

When I found I'd gotten through all the cream and had to start dipping into the cream for the "real" cake, I realised I'd used too much. Plus, I ran out of cream in the end, and could only write "Go" and draw a moustache. I had planned on drawing little moustaches around the edges, similar to how you'd add little rosettes around the border. You don't want the layer of cream to be thicker than your crêpes! MrFodder said that the flavour of the cream was overpowering, but if he removed the top few layers (where there was the most cream), the cake was really nice. I didn't have enough matcha powder leftover to dust the top, so mine doesn't look nearly as pretty as Nami's, but everyone who had a slice loved it.

Emily said to me afterwards:

I love working with you, Fodder, you are a ray of sunshine and mischief that brightens the world.

One of the nicest things someone has said to me! Of course, we both had fun with the moustache thing. I had a look and she really doesn't have a moustache. A lot of people on the team asked what the occasion was for the cake, and we both remained tight-lipped. I think she likes having an air of mystery about her. We were both wondering whether you could make this recipe with black tea. I don't know how good the combination of whipped cream and black tea would be, and I guess there's only one way to find out. MrFodder wants to try one with custard instead of cream.

Personally, I just like the flavour of the matcha crêpes, and I'm not normally a fan of matcha.

Knowledge Based Questions

Quickie today, as I have somewhere else to be!

In the Spiderman animated series, there was a story arc where Peter finally manages to marry his high-school crush, Mary Jane. It all seems good until he finds out that the woman he married is actually a clone of the real MJ, who had died previously. Ever since then, I occasionally have these crazy flights of imagination where I wonder if the people I know have been replaced by clones.

In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry is moved to a safe location by the Order of the Phoenix, and part of the journey involves having other members of the order take a polyjuice potion so that they look like Harry. When they reach their destination, they ask each other a series of knowledge-based questions in order to verify that they are who they say they are, and not an enemy impersonating them with a polyjuice potion of their own. Things like, "What's the first thing I asked you when we were at X?"

The big problem with those kinds of questions, if you haven't agreed to them beforehand, is that they're susceptible to forgetfulness. I cannot remember the first thing I said to most people. There are some people I don't even remember meeting!

Something that MrFodder and I encountered not long ago. We were joking around, but ended up setting up a secret question that we both knew the answer to, and that nobody else would know the answer to. I think we did it maybe 6 or 7 years ago. Something I tend to do when someone around me behaves in an unusual way is I ask if they're an impostor (as a joke). We were out at lunch, and MrFodder was saying some things that were completely out-of-character. So I said my usual line, but this time, I asked him whether he remembered our secret question.

He could not.

However, this is not unusual for him! It took him many years to remember my birthday, and he often forgets other things that to me seem to be crucial information. So what was I to do?

On one hand, he couldn't establish his identity by answering our secret question. On the other hand, forgetfulness is part of his personality, so by not remembering our secret question, he was, in a way, verifying his identity.

It's a tricky question, and things like this plague the information security industry, because there has to be a balance between security and usability.

For my sake, given that we're getting to our 10-year anniversary, I really hope I haven't married a Hydro Man clone...

Bane of My Existence

Can you guess when my subscription to Photoshop ran out based on the recent quality of my images?

I got asked a question, "If I were a Dota hero, which one would I be?" which sounds like a question from one of those ad-filled websites, "Which is your spirit power ranger?" but I did try to answer it sincerely, and in the end, I chose Bane.

My most played hero are Crystal Maiden, Rubick and Silencer, and my most successful hero (with more than 10 games) is Magnus (75% with 12 games) - though more realistically, KotL (60% with 122 games). But I don't think any of those heroes suit my personality. I like Silencer the most, because I like stealing people's int, as I know how frustrating it can be playing heroes like Crystal Maiden, who really feel it when they have a diminished mana pool. I don't think he suits my personality though.

The first hero that jumped out at me was Bane. Mostly because of his ult, and I think this is probably a core part of my personality (Bane's ultimate skill is Fiend's Grip, and is a channelled spell which stops your target from being able to do anything except writhe around in pain, but you can't do anything else either as you have to focus your attention on them 100%). I find that when something or someone captures my attention, it absorbs my focus. Almost to the point that I would say I have an addictive personality. When the target of my attention is a person, then that's where the trouble begins. I find that I become hyperaware. For instance, a week ago, NMG was invisible to me. Sure, I knew who he was, and I'd talk to him when the need arose, but other than that, he was white noise. Ever since the moustache compliment challenge, I've become incredibly aware of where he is at all times. I can pick his voice out of a crowd. I've started noticing things like when he arrives at work, when he tends to go to lunch, when he goes for a coffee, where he likes to sit in meetings.

Fortunately, there will usually be someone around to interrupt my ultimate, before I go too far off the deep end. But there was one case where I finished channelling, and let's just say, my poor victim is married to me now.

As for his other skills:

Enfeeble: reduces an enemy hero's attack damage.
In a weird way, I think I do this by befriending people. It's possible that it's just because of my gender, but I find that my co-workers are less inclined to say bad things to me, or blame me for things, and I think it's because I'm friendly. Jal says that nobody minds it when I change their desktop background, or leave silly text documents on their computer because they like me. Not that I see my co-workers as enemies!

Brain sap: drains life from an enemy hero.
MrFodder always accuses me of draining his energy. I very rarely drink coffee and get up a stupid o'clock, yet somehow I'm annoyingly cheerful at work. His theory is that he's always so tired because I drain his energy away.

Nightmare: Bane puts an enemy hero to sleep. If the slept target is attacked, the attacker will fall asleep.
Well, I think this blog speaks enough on its own. Have you seen my 4000 word diatribes on Star Wars?! And then if some poor sap gets tricked into linking it to one of their friends, well, let me tell you: let this nightmare never end.

For a creepy note to end this post, as Bane would say, "See you in your dreams." (Warning: it's kinda loud)

Another Truman Chips Adventure

Unexpected Truman chips adventure - I caught up for lunch with MB on the 8th of July, and as per the tradition we seem to have developed, we went to the Truman chips place. It was an interesting test for me, as I hadn't been in a while, and I wanted to see if my casual clothes theory panned out (I wasn't in casual that day).

We ordered at around 12:35pm. It was very busy at the restaurant (it was a Friday, after all). We were served by an Asian girl.

I actually suggested that MB ordered a burger without the chips, as I had a feeling I'd be getting Truman chips, and.... *drum roll*.... I did get it.

So there goes the casual clothes theory.

Return of the Truman Chips

Well, Friday was full of surprises. I have actually been back to the Truman chips burger place a couple of times this year, but didn't get the chips. I noticed that the staff there had also changed (possibly due to a new year at uni?) and so I figured it was over, and the Truman chips mystery would remain unsolved.

Albert and I take turns to buy each other lunch, and given the stress of the past couple of weeks, Albert was really hankering for a chance to eat some junk food and unload. As I hadn't been there in a while, I suggested the Truman chips place. So we walked there, arrived at approximately 11:50am, and I placed my usual order. Albert then placed his, and paid for both of ours together, as it was his turn. We waited around, and then go our bags with burgers. As I was getting the burgers, the cashier specifically pointed out, "This one is yours", which I thought she was doing just to make it clear which was which (as we had ordered different types of burgers). However, on opening the bag, I saw it! The Truman chips. There was the usual Truman chips bag inside the larger burger bag!

The last Friday of the month means it's casual Friday, and my exception to my new year's resolution to wear business clothes at work. So my new theory is that there is something about wearing casual clothes that triggers Truman chips. Maybe I look poor? Maybe I look like a uni student and they feel sympathetic? I don't know, but Intern Daniel says it's time for more experiments! However, Alison has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, so I don't know if I can handle eating burgers every week. =/

Truman Chips: MB and Kellie

And the plot thickens again.

MB had a birthday party a couple of weeks ago, and we ended up ordering pizza. I only had a $50 note, and he didn't have change, so I offered to buy him lunch. Seeing as his office is somewhat close to the Fodder-blog-famous Truman chips venue, I thought it would be worth adding another sample to my experiment. As an added bonus, his wife, Kellie, also came along.

Note: The same person served us as the person who served me and Ally a couple of weeks ago. I'm not too sure about the cook, as it's hard to tell by only seeing a side-profile or his back most of the time.

So here are the results:

MB - White, male, no Truman chips
Kellie - White, female, no Truman chips
Me - Asian, female, no Truman chips

Yep, you read that right, no Truman chips! Interesting data point indeed.

However, there is a potential confound. The order of the burger orders: MB, Kellie, Me. Kellie went to get us a table, while MB and I waited for the orders. MB's order came out and he went to get it. Then Kellie's order came out, and MB grabbed that, too, as he had her ticket. But then the food prep guy came out and asked for Kellie's order back. At first we thought maybe he thought MB had grabbed someone else's order, as it was a female who placed it, but he explained that he had given him the wrong order, and he wanted the burger back to double check. When he returned, we found out that he had given him #51, which was my order (at this point, there was only one bag, so no Truman chips). So I show him that I have #51, and he asks if I want my burger now, so I say, "Sure, why not?" Then we wait for Kellie's order.

I'm somewhat astonished at the lack of Truman chips, but oh well, back to the drawing board. Only the burger that I did receive wasn't my burger. It was the burger I ordered, but with extra bacon! Maybe I've progressed from Truman chips to Truman bacon? Unfortunately, they put cheese and mayo in the burger, so I couldn't eat it and had to go and get a new one. I felt bad about that, as it was peak lunch time at that point (we went at around 12:30).

Two extra data points, as I'd been talking about Truman chips so much at work, two of my co-workers also decided to come. DComics, who couldn't go last time, and another tester, J.

DComics - White, male, no Truman chips
J - Asian, male, no Truman chips

MB has a new theory, that the burger place knows about my experiment, and they're purposely messing with me to get me to keep coming back. They have to have the semblance of a pattern, so that I won't think it's just random, but it can't be too obvious, or I'll figure it out right away and stop going. He had an alternative theory in that 1 in every X people get Truman chips, and I've been lucky each time, but I think that's statistically unlikely. Though you never know. MB had another theory - that the staff think I'm lonely because I usually go alone (or at least try to appear alone, as to not confuse the test data, but they don't know that!), though this time I was clearly with a friend, which meant they didn't need to give me Truman chips. But lots of other people go alone!

And before you think we can write off the lack of Truman chips to it being the peak period, as we were eating, I noticed a guy walk out with two bags, one big one and one small one, just like I have when I get Truman chips! Demographic-wise, I'd say he's the opposite of me. From what I could see from the brief glimpse, he was white, male, and dressed in a suit, as opposed to my Asian, female, super casual (jeans + hoodie) appearance.

I don't know what to do with this data. Maybe it proves my secret code theory right. They saw me talking with MB and thought maybe I had been compromised as I had "bumped" into someone, and couldn't complete my chip delivery mission. So they called in a back-up (the suit guy).

Perhaps the order screw-up messed with everything. Perhaps my Truman chips luck has just run out. Either way, lunch just ended up with even more of my co-workers signing up to be part of my experiment. I don't even know if it's worth going to the gym any more, if I'm going to eat so many burgers and chips. I'm 5 for 6 now.

Truman Chips: Ally

Interesting news today!

You're probably all sick of reading about this, but the mystery deepens. So today, I was meant to go with DComics, but he got held up in the office, so I went with Alison instead. So the popular opinion so far is that the cashier is flirting with me through large bags of chips, and the second most popular opinion is that they're trying to fatten me up because I'm too skinny.

Well, Ally is pretty much a prettier, skinnier version of me. She is my role model at the moment, it's like she somehow manages to be tough, but well liked.

I wanted to take her, as she's also Asian, so she covers the same demographics as I do, except she's a vegetarian, but you can't tell that by looking at her, and you really can't tell from a burger order, especially as she was buying a burger on behalf of DComics. So it was like the planets aligned, and I finally got the ultimate test case for my experiment.

Funnily enough, a couple of my co-workers had also gone to the same place earlier in the day, and neither of them got the double bag. So there are two more data points for my study.

A: Older (50s?), white, male - no Truman chips
R: 30s?, Asian, male (though not "yellow" Asian, but Filopino - gosh, I'm going to sound so racist at the end of this "study") - no Truman chips

Ally and I walked down to the restaurant, and I explained to her about the Truman chips. She couldn't believe it, but she was kinda hungry and felt in the mood for chips, so she was hoping that I'd get Truman chips. To be honest, I was starting to doubt myself again, and this time there was the added pressure of the expectation that I'd get it! I'm probably going to stop telling people about Truman chips, especially now that a few of the other people on my team seem to expect it now as well.

Today, because I was on the monitoring shift, we ended up getting there at about 2:15pm, which is the latest that I've ever been. I would have liked to have gone during the lunch rush, but it's so rare to get Ally away that I had to take advantage of it. We order, and Ally goes first this time, as last time, I ordered before Intern Daniel.

Her burger arrived, single bag. Mine arrived, two bags! Truman strikes again.

So we've ruled out:

• female
• skinny
• being hit on by the cashier

I can't say for sure that we've ruled out the idea that I'm insane, and Truman chips isn't a thing, but I am now 5 for 5.

The Truman Chips Experiment

I didn't plan on it, but Intern Daniel wanted to see the famous Truman chips in action (I've started telling some people at work about it). He was doubtful, but yet again, my Truman-ness prevailed. I'm 4 for 4 this year. I took a photo to prove it, but Intern Daniel is in it, and I don't have his permission to upload it.

I think we can rule out time of day, because I ordered before Intern Daniel, and since they had to give him chips as well, it seems unlikely that they'd dump an entire batch on me.

So now it has become a mini-experiment. Trying to single out what it is that unlocks the Truman chips.

So, the data we have so far:

Geoff: white male, no Truman chips
MrFodder: white male, no Truman chips
MrFodder's friend: white male, no Truman chips
Intern Daniel: white male, no Truman chips
Me: Asian female, Truman chips

I've gone at:
11:30am, 12:30pm, 1:10pm and another time I forgot, that I think might have been just before 12.

I have lined up:
Special K: white female
DComics: white male, but older, he's in his 50s.
Albert: Asian male

The theories that people at work have come up with so far:

• I'm Asian
• I'm female
• The staff there think I'm too skinny and want to fatten me up (unlikely, I also wore my super baggy hoodie today, so it was hard to make out my size)
• The cashier is hitting on me
• I'm insane, and Truman chips isn't really a thing (come on.... 4 for 4? Can it really still be a coincidence?)
• I go at the right time, and just happen to get the remains of a batch they're tossing
• They ran out of the small bags, so they only had the large bags to give out (I feel this one was also disproven today, as Intern Daniel ordered after me and still didn't get Truman chips)

So by finding people of different demographics, we're trying to single this out. There's only one Asian female on my team (other than me), but she's always super busy, so it's hard to get her to go to the burger place. But that'll be a last resort. I added DComics because I wanted to see if age played a part. I'm not sure what other demographics to hit. I thought about asking a gay person, but that's not something you can really tell by looking at someone, so it didn't seem like a good thing to study. 

I think the cashier hitting on me has been ruled out, as I'm pretty sure I've been served by at least two different people. But DComics suggested taking note of who serves me, and who prepares my food so we can rule that one out, too.

I will report back once I have more results!

Edit: Forgot to add MrFodder's theory: it's my burger order, the no mayo, no cheese that makes them feel compelled to make up for charging me the same amount, so they give me the extra chips.

In Case I Don't See You

It's settled, I am Truman Burbank.

It happened again! Which makes it 3 out of 3 times. 

I told my friends at work about it, and none of them believed me, so because we had our fortnightly game today, I decided to see if it would happen again in order to prove it to them. And I was a bit doubtful at first, but once again, was presented with two bags, one of them with a lot of chips (though less than I remember) and another massive bag with just my burger in it (usually, the chips and the burger go in the same bag, at least that's what happens when the other people in my office order from there). I have to say, I'm not complaining, I am just really curious why it's happening!

So now I have a new theory. By pure co-incidence, my allergies have triggered a secret code. When I order my burger, I ask for no cheese, no mayo. I think this is some sort of secret code identifying me as the messenger. By showing up and putting in my order, the cashier is responding with another code word, "That's $9.50 please", at which I fumble around for a 50 cent coin, but to no avail, and apologise. She replies, "That's OK" and hands me my ticket. The purpose of the giant serving of chips is that I'm supposed to take it back to the secret hideout where they do money laundering and drug running, and share with the other people at the "office".

Instead, I am ruining their plans and taking it back to my co-workers to snack on while we trade wheat for wood and steal longest road (I won today, yay!). Between the five of us, we didn't manage to finish the bag of chips, and I ate a lot more than I should have because I hate wasting food. :(

Anyway, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.

Supersize Lunch

I've been noticing a weird trend. It started in April this year. I went to one of my favourite burger places for lunch, and ordered my usual burger with a side of chips. When my order was up, I was handed two bags, and looked confused. The person said, "Your burger and chips." and I thought maybe the burger had leaked through its wrapper or something, so they gave me the chips in a different bag. When I got back to the office, I looked in the bag, and it was full of chips. I'd say it was roughly six or seven times the regular serving of chips. Strange, but the people on my team were happy to help me finish them.

Writing it up to a freak occurrence, I return a few months later, order the same thing, and again, I get the two bags, one filled with chips. Unfortunately, on that day, half of my team was out at a celebratory lunch (I wasn't on that project, so I wasn't invited), so I felt compelled to finish the chips. I haven't been back since, as I'm afraid of getting another giant bag of chips.

Last week, I felt like getting Nandos, so I ordered my usual (1/4 chicken), and I had a voucher for free regular chips, so I used that. Take my food back to the office, open it, and I'm pretty sure I got a 1/2 chicken and large chips.

MrFodder thinks that I probably just happen to go at the right time, and they need to offload food, but I think I've discovered the real secret.

I'm Truman Burbank.

Think about it. If I am given more food, I spend more time on TV eating it, and audience members are more likely to want some.

Now that I know, and by posting this blog, they know that I know, what is going to happen? If the supersized food suddenly stops, then it's a confirmation that I am Truman, and they're trying to hide it. But if the supersized food continues, then that's also confirmation, because they're basically saying, "Screw it, she knows, we might as well make some money off this."

Irrefutable evidence.

Jokes aside, I think a more likely explanation is that I just have one of those average faces, and they must have mistaken me for a regular or something and wanted to be extra nice. Can't complain about that, right?

Movie Progress, Part 3

During the script writing process, I have learned how hard it is to write an entire movie from start to even - even a fairly short one. I had a few scenes in my mind that I thought would be funny, and a couple of scenes that I wanted to do that would be nice surprise (like tracking down a developer he had worked with in the past to be in the movie), but as for stitching it all together, it was a bit of a mish-mash. Props and location were a big obstacle. I've done what I can do with a green screen, and the furniture in our office has been rearranged in ways that I didn't think were possible. I also had to respect the fact that the main star was pretty camera shy, and didn't want to film any scenes in public (which is completely understandable, plus, it might result in our secret project leaking out).

I did overshoot a little by asking over half the team to be a part of it. That meant I had to include them somehow - though a few of them were OK with having tiny parts, so that worked out OK. I did have a bigger part in mind for one of the developers who has worked quite closely with the developer who is leaving, but he didn't feel comfortable having a big part, so unfortunately, his part has been turned into a short shot of him dying.

I wanted to have more shots of the city from our building, but unfortunately, all the rain lately has meant that the windows in our building are dirty and so I couldn't get a clear shot (first world problems, I know...). I have a much higher appreciation of location scouts for movies now. Just thinking about how many places the Games of Thrones crew must have scouted out in order to find the location for King's Landing boggles the mind. I don't know if they had a place in mind from the start, but the location they picked just seems so perfect for the part - it's pretty much exactly as I imagined it, except with more naked people and more dead people. Most of my locations for the movie are in the office, though a few are green-screened to look like they're somewhere else. But the space was pretty confined though, so you can see chairs or tables in some of the shots, which makes me sad, but you gotta work with what you have.

There were so many Bond tropes that I never got to work into the movie. Bond doesn't even sleep with the girl in this... the Bond girl just kinda disappears into nowhere after he meets her. There are a few racist jokes, but nothing too sexist. Unfortunately, there aren't that many women in the office, and though all of my female characters get speaking parts, none of them really do that much in the plot (except the Moneypenny equivalent, who points Bond in the direction of his next target, but that's just one line). Nearly everyone in the movie is a bad guy, which I didn't want to do, but it made it easier to fit them into the movie if they were just faceless mooks that Bond had to fight through in order to get to the big boss. I did manage to fit "shaken, not stirred" into the movie, but I thought it would be inappropriate to be drinking martinis in the office, so Bond orders a water instead, and I have a bit of a sight gag, with the waiter trying to shake the water and failing.  The one person I screen tested it with didn't get the joke though, so I don't know if I should leave that on the cutting room floor. It does mean I have some nice transitions during the poker scene though, because as a long take, it looks horrible and boring.

That's the other thing, my dialogue is terrible. Here is one of the scenes in my movie:

(at the beach)

Bond girl: Enjoying the view?

Bond: I can't help but enjoy a girl when she's wet.

The guy playing Bond's face was so red when saying that line it's really lucky he was wearing a mask.

Then there's the end of the car chase scene, after the driver is killed.

Bond: I guess they'll have to... install a new driver.

I really had no idea what gadgets to give to Q, but we were working on one of the fight scenes, and we had no idea how to end it. So the guy playing Bond grabbed one of the office chairs and pushed the bad guy into it so he was sitting down and pushed him out of the frame. The problem is, given the background, where the chair comes from is never explained. So I had to have one of Q's inventions be a pen that magically makes a chair for you to sit on. Since I lack the special effects or CGI studios that most big budget films have, I'm just going to do a really bad cut, with one shot without the chair, and one shot with the chair. 

If I have time, I want to dress up as Rick Astley and film myself dancing to Never Gonna Give You Up, as one of the BAs said the developer who is leaving dresses like Rick Astley. That counts as rickrolling, right? My contract doesn't say that's a fireable offense, but that's going to be the thing that I'm most proud of at my time at the bank - the time I got to rickroll my entire team.

I am incredibly bad at writing funny scenes though. I have a scene where the bad guy demands a ransom payment from the UN, and I wanted the Greek representative to say, "Well, I've got no money, I'm out." as a reference to Greece's current economy. I hesitated over that line for so long, because I was afraid that the Greek people on the team would get offended. Then the Chinese UN rep responds that they can spare some change. And again, I just kept thinking, what if the Chinese people on the team get offended? Even though racist stereotypes are par for the course in Bond movies, I wasn't sure if it would be OK to cross that line. To be fair, as far as racist statements go, I think that's fairly tame. But it plays such a small part in the movie that it wouldn't hurt to cut it out (though it'll mean those two people won't get to be in the movie).

I'm about halfway through the movie now, so I'm 100% confident I can get it done by the weekend. The only part I'm unsure about is that I asked a couple of people from the UK office to film some lines for me. I managed to replace one of them, but the other one has quite technical lines, so he could only be replaced by another developer. Unfortunately, all of the devs on the team are already in the movie. As a last resort, I'm going to have him be a silhouette and use Microsoft Sam, but hopefully he'll mail me his footage before the end of the week. He's the guy who hired the dev who is leaving, so I know he'd be really happy to see him in the movie.

Unfortunately, I've come down with a cold, so I think it's going to be an early night for me.

A Perfect Murder - Motive

I think this one is the toughest to deal with. Well, unless you are happy to kill some random person you don't know, just to make it easier to get away with murder. In which case, your motive is just to get away with murder, which is a pretty tough motive to prove. Unless you make a series of blog posts talking about how to plan a perfect murder and you talk about how killing someone just because you want to kill someone. I'd say the best solution in that case is not to commit the murder, because you're risking getting caught making a stupid mistake for very little gain.

But realistically, if there was someone you wanted to take out, how to make it look like you don't have a motive? I think, once again, that patience is the key. If there's someone you want to off, bide your time. Someone might remember that fight you had with your husband last night. Someone is less likely to remember that fight you had with your husband five months ago. If you're killing someone because you have money issues, then make a public attempt at trying to clean yourself up. Start living frugally, take on an extra job. If people ask, show that you're trying to change your ways and dig yourself out of a hole. Then, when someone dies in a freak petrol fighting "accident", and you happen to benefit from their life insurance, just pretend it as a happy accident.

Though I think the biggest benefit of waiting before carrying out the act is that it might dissuade you from doing it in the first place. Can't get caught for murder if you didn't commit it. On the whole, I don't think there's a lot you can do about motive except try to hide the evidence of it. Don't complain to your co-workers, just try to keep it to yourself as much as possible.

Anyway, another short one from me today. My movie is about 1/5 done, and my new deadline that I have set for myself is Friday. At this stage, I am fairly confident I will make it, but that's if I dedicate a lot of my time towards it. I've got the major scenes done, but the story isn't coherent unless I film the bridging scenes. At worst, it's just a series of Bond parody skits, which isn't the worst outcome.

A Perfect Murder - Means

In yesterday's post, I covered opportunity, today I am going to cover means. Basically, do you have what you needed to have in order to commit the crime?

If you have a job where you have some sort of rare or unique tool - DO NOT USE IT TO COMMIT YOUR CRIME. Especially if it will leave an identifying signature.

Find some commonplace item. More importantly, don't buy it immediately before you're going to use it. Buy it somewhere that doesn't have video surveillance. Again, this is preparation. If you buy it ahead of time, then it's unlikely that they'll be able to trace the purchase back to you. That supermarket cashier isn't going to remember who bought a particular bottle of bleach 3 months ago. Though you'll need a secret place to store this stuff, because it'll look suspicious if you had a bottle of BLEACHO in your laundry up until the day of the murder.

I don't really know much else you can do to deal with getting yourself out of having the means. If you want to use a gun, you'll have to practice so that you don't screw up, but then that'll probably leave a trace, since you'll need to go to the gun range or something, and that increases the chances that you'll be remembered by someone.

Yeah, I don't really have anything else to say..... The important things to remember - try not to be memorable, don't use anything that is likely to identify you, just try to be average.

A Perfect Murder - Opportunity

Ever since that episode of Veronica Mars, where she is set the class assignment of writing the perfect murder, I've been fascinated with the concept. Not because I want to kill someone, but because of the challenge. I don't know how good police are at investigating murders, but shows like CSI make it look like they're nearly infallible, because people always leave something behind that links them back to the crime. So what does it take to pull off the perfect murder?

For starters, killing someone in the heat of the moment seems to be the worst idea.  You haven't got anything planned, so when it comes to things like hiding the body, or cleaning up after yourself, you're in a rush, and unlikely to be thinking straight. Not only that, but you're limited to the things that you have on you. So when the police come to investigate, and notice the chef's knife is no longer in its spot in the knife block, and that happens to match the stab wound, it's not looking too good for you. In Castle, Detective Beckett mentions that when someone goes somewhere with the intention of killing someone, they usually bring their own weapon. That way they know they will have the tools to get the job done. Sure, if you're murdering someone, you could count on being able to shove them down the garbage disposal at their apartment, but what if it's blocked up that day, or closed for maintenance? Unless you had the forethought to have a back up body disposal plan, you're coming close to being in the heat of the moment killer level.

So more TV detective-based ideas. They generally try to find someone who has means, motive and opportunity, i.e. that person must have the capability of performing the murder (e.g. owns a gun of that calibre), has a reason to perform the murder (e.g. scumbag cheated on them for five years), and the person must have had the chance to perform the murder (e.g. alone in a hotel room together).

In reverse order, I'll start with opportunity. The best way to dodge the opportunity card is to hire someone else to do it - after all, if you weren't there at the time of the murder, then you clearly couldn't have done it. Unfortunately, I learned today that even if you are an accomplice to the murder, you still get charged with murder. And I think in the case of hiring someone, there's also conspiracy to commit murder (but maybe that one only applies when the murder doesn't actually go through). So if you are going to go this route, you'd better be sure that you are good at cleaning up the paper trail. This is where preparation comes in handy. If someone makes a large withdrawal, it gets noticed. If you withdraw small amounts over a long period of time (especially if you can claim it was for things like buying fruit at the farmer's market, or other innocuous cash transactions that are difficult to trace), you are less likely to be found out. Of course, you'll need somewhere safe to store this cash pile that you're building up, so maybe it's time to hollow out one of your bedposts.

Another trick that comes up in TV shows is the falsified alibi. Sure, there was a charity dinner that went from 7pm-1am (conveniently when the murder estimated to have happened), but you don't need to have been there the entire time for people to remember you being there. As long as nobody catches you leaving, they'll just assume you were there the whole time. But the one that's my favourite comes from an episode of Monk. The killer has an alibi that he was running a marathon when the murder was supposed to have taken place. His run tracker shows him running the race, and there are photos showing that he was there. Monk suspects that he just attached his tracker to someone else, but his times are unique from every other runner in the race. His trick was that he attached the tracker to the motorcycle filming the racers, and so the tracker would show him at the marathon. However, during a blind spot, he ducked out, changed clothes, and went to kill his ex-wife. After the deed, he rejoins the race further down the track. His mistake though, was not grabbing the tracker back off the motorcycle, which was really stupid. I mean, if he could think of such an elaborate plan, you'd think he'd have thought of retrieving the tracker.

Ooooooh, on Castle they had one where the body had been frozen for a long period of time, so it was hard to pinpoint the time of death. I find it a bit silly that they asked about alibis for years ago. I barely know what I was doing a month ago, much less than five years. I imagine the police wouldn't be able to hold you for not being able to provide an alibi for an event years ago. I wonder if alibis have a limit. Even most businesses, in the interests of saving space, will only retain surveillance footage for a certain period of time. Storage is cheap, but when you're recording video, especially from multiple cameras, it adds up!

Personally, I'd go for the falsified alibi. Oh no, I hope this blog post doesn't end up being used against me in court some day..... Hypothetically, I'd go for the falsified alibi. The issue with the freezing trick is that you'd have to freeze it for a fair amount of time to be able to benefit from them not being able to pinpoint the time of death. In that time, if you are related to the victim in some way, you'll have to justify their disappearance. If they are discovered missing too early, then the trail to the frozen body is still warm.

Oh, I just had a thought. If you are good at manipulating photos, and the person you want to kill is willing to go on a holiday with you, then you invite them out, kill them, and photoshop some images to make it look like they're still with you on holiday. It has to be good photoshops though, because those photos are going to be the thing that throws off the murder timeline. The police will think that the person was killed in September, because there are photos of the two of you together throughout August, when in fact, they were killed at the start of August. They will begin the search for the body at the last known location in September, which might be Ayers Rock, based on your holiday snaps, but in reality, the body was left in a hole somewhere in Darwin. And since you had to fly back early, the last time you saw them, they were "alive and healthy", and there are people who are able to place you in your home city, and not back in Ayers Rock doing the deed. How could you have done it if you never had the time to?

So that's my hypothetical way of covering the opportunity angle.

Superstitious

To continue from where I left off yesterday, I wouldn't say that I am superstitious. While I wouldn't go around breaking mirrors or walking under ladders (because that's dangerous), I don't really care about black cats anymore, or the number 13 (or 4). However, I do have some little quirks that could be considered as such. Although most of them are from my mum.

My mum believes that you cannot wash your hair while you are on your period. I don't understand the rationale behind it at all, as I don't see how washing your hair and addled hormones can be a cause for bad luck. I guess maybe back in the old days, if you were on your period, and your hair was wet, it might drip down your back and soak through your underwear, which might soak through to whatever you're using to catch the blood. That's not really an issue these days though, as we have hairdryers.

She also believes that you shouldn't cut your hair or nails after dark. Perhaps that stems from it being too dark to be able to see properly, and so you may end up cutting off a finger, or an ear, but again, that's not really an issue these days with modern lighting.

One of her superstitions that we do stick to is that you're not supposed to do any sweeping after Chinese New Year, because you will sweep the bad luck away. Though we mostly follow that one because we rarely do any sweeping all year long, so it's not really like we do it for superstitious reasons.

Although, I've noticed that whenever I have a big thing coming up, I'm all for trying to keep on the good side of Lady Luck, just in case. I mean, with a lot of these little things, does it really hurt to knock on wood, or avoid stepping on the cracks on the footpath? I read that a lot of sports stars are incredibly superstitious, needing to wear their lucky underwear, or make sure they dress themselves in a particular order. When you think about it, ever single match is a big event for them, because how well they perform will determine whether they get to stay employed or not. Out of all the athletes, not many of them will get the chance to become mega stars like Ian Thorpe, and with the exception of perhaps golf, a lot of sports have a very limited time span in which you are at your peak, so unless you can make enough to retire at a young age, you need to make yourself at least somewhat bankable, or line up a potential career path for after you're booted off the team. So the more great matches you have, the higher your chances of securing sponsorship deals, or radio spots.

I have this little thing about the milk in the fridge at the office. If there's more cartons of soy milk than regular milk in the fridge, then I know it's going to be a good day. If there's no soy milk in the fridge, but there is one floor up, then that's OK. If I have to go hunting more than one floor away from my own, then I know it's going to be a horrible day. If there are equal or less cartons of soy milk than regular milk, then it can go either way. I don't know how much of that is self-fulfilling or confirmation bias, but damn, it's really nice to get in in the mornings and find five cartons of soy milk in the fridge.