No Touching!

I can't remember how the topic came up, but we ended up talking about touching other people at work today.

Both Special K and Chris said that they have no problems touching other people from work. Whenever there's an event with work people outside the office, Special K will often greet people with a hug or a kiss. Chris said that he will regularly pat people on the back if the situation requires it. But both agreed when alcohol gets involved, people tend to get a lot more touchy. Even Jal, who has become my new barometer for "normal", said that he would if circumstances dictated that he should (and he also said that my questions are becoming weirder and weirder - I think he's starting to see through my disguise and I need to be more subtle).

I think the only person I would touch regularly would have been GD, and even then, it'd be a pat on the back about once a year when something particularly bad happened to him. I don't think he ever reciprocated.

The whole conversation reminded me of the Triple Kiss Incident. It was the farewell drinks of one of my co-workers, so I joined everyone as they headed to his chosen venue. We arrived a little late (~15 minutes), as our meeting had run overtime, but definitely not late enough for him to be completely wasted. When we arrived, he greeted us all one-by-one and when he got to me, the usual shake hands or hug dilemma came up. I extended my hand for the shake, and he grabbed it and used it to pull me in so he could do the Triple Kiss (left cheek, right cheek, lips). I must have been in shock, because he explained, "It's a European thing." This was further cemented when his friend, a fellow co-worker, and also European, went for the Double Kiss (left cheek, right cheek).

It's actually something I dread when going to farewell drinks now, so I try to go at the start when people are not drunk yet!

I've been trying to think about what my problem is. It's not like I never touch anyone - obviously I touch MrFodder all the time. And the weird thing is, as you can tell from my post history, I don't have a problem sleeping with people I don't know all that well, so what is it? It's definitely not a germs thing. Chris asked if I felt the need to clean myself after touching someone, and I don't.

I think maybe it comes down to a sense of intimacy. We were definitely not a touchy-feely family, growing up. My parents seem a lot more comfortable with hugging now, and maybe it's just them coming to accept that it's part of the culture here, but I don't really remember it as a kid. As a result, I've always been really conscious of my personal space, since it's a huge abnormality when someone invades it. Combined with all your typical fairy tale / children's stories where you only kiss someone if you truly love them, I think my perception of physical contact is quite different.

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with someone I didn't know very well. There must be some point in your relationship with someone where you cross the threshold. I asked Special K and Chris how they know when it's appropriate, and they both said that you just know, which is really unhelpful. At least Chris added that often he'll just try something out, and if the other person doesn't recoil in horror, he knows they've passed that point. I don't know if that's entirely true though.

A co-worker and I were bored in a meeting once, and he suggested we play the circle game.

(just in case the link dies)

A game of peripheral vision, trickery and motor skills.

The game starts out when the Offensive Player creates a circle with their thumb and forefinger, not unlike an "A-Okay" signal, somewhere below his waist.  

His goal is to trick another person into looking at his hand. If the Victim looks at the hand, he has lost the game, and is subsequently hit on the bicep with a closed fist, by the offensive player. 

Rules:
1. The Offensive Player's hand must be below his waist.
2. The Victim should attempt to see the circle without looking down. In other words, by peripheral vision, the Victim realizes there is a circle-hand event occurring. The Victim has two possible methods to win the game:
a. The Victim does not look down at the signal. Instead, the Victim stares the Offensive Player in the eye and says, "I'm not going to look at that." (or words to that effect.)
b. The Victim does not look down at the signal. Instead, the Victim quickly pokes his index finger through the Offensive Player's circle-hand display. If he can poke inside and break the circle, HE wins, and gets to hit the Offensive player in the bicep. This action requires excellent motor skills (to poke the circle without actually looking directly at it.)
3. If the Victim looks at the circle, he loses (and is hit.)
4. If the Victim attempts to poke the circle and misses, he loses (and is hit.)
5. If the Victim attempts to poke the circle and Offensive player closes the circle, trapping Victim's finger, then the Victim loses (and is hit.)
It is customary to playfully "wipe off the hit" after it is delivered. (Quick open hand brush on the bicep.)  

There is no limit on the type of distraction allowed by the Offensive Player to draw attention to the signal. A good tactic is saying, "Hey, is this yours?" Or, "You oughta try one of these."
There is no limit on the number of times a day you can try this out. You'll find some people are "easy to get" and some people have good alertness and peripheral vision, "tougher to get."

We've been playing for a couple of months now, and I've lost every time. I actually think the game is really interesting, as it involves trickery, but not in a malicious way. And I like games. The thing is, I don't actually want to circle him because I feel really awkward punching him. I can't explain why, as I don't mind him punching me so much, but doing it in return just feels strange. So my only goal at the moment, while playing this game, is to try and get my finger in his circle, but even then, I still don't really want to punch him. I just like the challenge.

I asked them if there's a point at which you talk to someone else, and ask if it's OK to give them a hug or something like that. They both said that's crazy, you can't really do that. But I remember this moment, Graham was drunk and lying on the ground of his apartment. He asked for a hug, and I gave him one, and at that moment, I knew for sure that we had passed that stage in our relationship. I liked that it was so clear-cut.

I have actually written about not wanting to be hugged in the past, in particular, I was concerned about being hugged a lot at our wedding. It was really nice when it was time to say bye to Pharmacist, and he held his hand out for a handshake instead. Except I think the champagne must have gone to my head, and I hugged him in return (oh no, I'm just like the Triple Kiss Guy!). I apologised later, as I had set a boundary that I wasn't comfortable crossing it, and then decided that I was comfortable crossing, without considering whether he was comfortable crossing. We'd known each other for 11 (?) years at that point, and I don't think the situation ever came up that we'd need to hug each other.

Perhaps that's my problem - I'm just never in that situation. Most of the people I know and am close to are people who I game with, so we are rarely in the same physical place together.

Then reason why I'm thinking so much about this (aside from the fact that it came up as a topic during lunch today), is that I'm starting to realise that all of the social skills I had developed while in my last team aren't as applicable in my new team. The people are different, and I think I don't have the advantage of tenure anymore, so rather than people adapting themselves around me, I must adapt myself to them.

And yes, today's picture is of a couple of my co-workers holding hands because I asked them to pose for my picture. They're not even together, but they seemed comfortable doing it...