This post is rated R, for sexual content, and possibly TMI if you tend to visualise things and don't really want the image of me and MrMan5.5 having sex, so read at your own peril!
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Had a bit of a sombre Graham moment today. Is being attracted to someone who is attracted to you narcissistic?
So after that post about getting myself in the mood for sex more often, I went and watched a heap of porn, and didn't masturbate or anything. This took an unbelievable amount of self-restraint, but it was for a good cause! The result being, when MrMan5.5 was ready for some bedroom gymnastics, I was incredibly aroused. I don't think I've ever been that wet in my life - I guess that's a good argument for delayed gratification increasing the pleasure later.
Usually we like to play a bit beforehand, but once he felt how wet I was, he pushed himself inside me right away. It felt like he couldn't control himself and he just had to have me right then. That was such a turn on for me. Afterwards, I thought maybe it's a bit narcissistic, to be aroused by someone being turned on by you.
It does feel really nice to be externally validated, like when people praise you. Sometimes I feel the need to be validated by strangers on the Internet, because I know that they don't know me, so if they do say something nice about me, it's because I did something well, and not because of our past history together. I'll admit to occasionally looking at my Dota 2 profile to look at how many commendations I have. (You can commend people that you play with, which just adds to a number on their profile page, though they can't see who commended them, or what note you left, if you chose to leave a note.)
Considering I've spent a lot of my life being praised for intelligence, it feels good to find someone who finds another aspect of me attractive, especially given that in high school, I had a lot of issues with skin and weight, and just accepting physical appearance in general. That's probably like really attractive people wanting to find someone who can see their inner beauty, or people who are rich wanting to find someone who just isn't attracted to their money, so I can't say that it's a deep revelation.
Still, the whole narcissism thing made me think about some of the stuff I have done in the past. With Charmeleon, I went through a phase of wanting to have sex in public places (though only at night, and only at places where children were unlikely to be), and I thought maybe there was an exhibitionist inside me trying to escape. I don't know if that's true, but the excitement of maybe getting caught, and the potential case where someone who caught us might want to join us just made the whole experience more thrilling. We didn't end up doing it anywhere exciting though, once on the beach, once on the roof of his house, once in a park (although if you looked, you would have just thought I was sitting on his lap, at least, I hope so anyway).
I'm starting to think maybe I am an exhibitionist. I really like the idea of someone else watching us have sex, although similar to the rape fantasy, I'm not entirely sure I actually want it to happen, or if I just want to roleplay something like it. I don't know how you could roleplay this though, as there needs to be a third person. I read a horrible reddit thread where someone agreed to let a female friend of her boyfriend watch them have sex over Skype. When her boyfriend finally reached orgasm, he shouted the name of the person on Skype instead of his girlfriend. The friend later texted her to say, "I'm sorry...", and added another text, "... that your boyfriend thinks of me during sex with you." And then it turns out she took screenshots of them having sex. I don't really want to open our relationship up to that kind of complicated situation. I don't want one of our friends to watch us, and I don't trust a stranger to watch us either.
Wow, huge tangent. Back to the Graham-esque narcissism pondering. I think people are inherently attracted to themselves, or at least some aspect of themselves. Which in turn makes them attracted to people who are like themselves - even if it's only as friends. I feel like all of my closest friends are like certain aspects of me. But similar to the fate of Narcissus, I don't know if that kind of attraction is good for a long-lasting monogamous relationship. If you spent all day admiring yourself, you would never hear dissenting opinions, so all of your thoughts would be echoed back at you, and would probably cause you to become one of those close-minded, fanatical crazies. Which might be OK if you two isolate yourselves to some remote part of the planet, but for most people, that's not a realistic possibility, and you'll have to integrate into society. I guess this is how people like the wife in Amy's Baking Company can delude themselves into thinking that they're an amazing chef.
When talking to our marriage celebrant about our relationship history, one of the things she made me realise that I love about MrMan5.5 is that he keeps me grounded. If there's something that I believe that he thinks is ridiculous, he will tell me (although sometimes he has to pick his battles, because there are some things that I get quite prickly about). This isn't a super sexy trait, but it's so important to me, because I want to keep improving, so I'm glad he does it. I want to avoid becoming deluded about something, if possible. No Narcissusfodder please. That's an open invitation, by the way. If you think there's something that I believe in, that you think is completely ridiculous, please let me know and hopefully we can have an intelligent discussion about it (GP: yes, I did get your email reply to my blog post about parents making their children leave LoL games, and Ephant, I also saw your reply. Replying to both of these has been on my to-do list!). I may not change my mind, but I would like to at least be informed of other points of view.
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