A friend was telling me how her partner made a huge sacrifice for her recently, which I thought sounded nice of him. I asked her if she was happy that he did it, and she replied that she never asked him to do it. She added that it made her feel bad seeing how sad it made her partner, but again, she stressed that she never asked him to do it. Over and over throughout the night she kept saying that she didn't ask him to make that sacrifice for her, and I got the feeling that she was looking at me to absolve her of her guilt, or give her some magical solution to fix everything.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to be the genie that she wanted me to be, and I refused to tell her that it wasn't her fault, as to be honest, I think she is at least partly to blame. We talked about some of the things that she might be able to do to make things better, but it felt a bit like she was frustrated that she had to make things better since she never asked for it (are you sensing a theme here?). I kept trying to get her to see the positive side of it, and get her to be grateful that her partner was willing to make such a sacrifice for her, but she couldn't seem to let go of the fact that she never asked for it. In the end, she seemed to be a bit more at peace with the whole thing, and as we parted ways, I reminded her to thank her partner when she got home. I'm not sure whether she did it or not though.
I can understand why she wanted to deflect the blame, as it's not easy to deal with the thought that your partner is unhappy because of you. But sometimes someone will try to do something to make you happy, and they'll get it wrong. I think it's important to keep in mind that at least they are trying.
It's funny, because when we first started spending time together, I noticed that she complained a lot, but I just thought it was because she didn't want me to feel so bad that her life is so awesome and mine is not. I thought it was bizarre that she seemed to have so many problems despite appearing to have her life together. She was always really nice to me, so I couldn't see why so many people had an issue with her. It's probably bad to look at past events with hindsight glasses on, but after that dinner, I wonder if she actually takes into account the good things in life. It wasn't until much prodding from me that she admitted that her partner had done something really nice for her. When talking about things that has happened to her, she focuses a lot on the bad things, and not so much on the good things.
I feel like a preacher saying this, but I think my life has improved a lot after thinking more about the good things in life. I am a lot less negative, and perhaps positive attracts positive, I feel like more good things are happening to me - or maybe the same number of good things are happening to me, but I am just more aware of them now. I've also tried to focus more on the good aspects of being with MrMan5.5, and part of that was starting The MrMan5.5 List. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to record all the nice things he has done for me. I find that when I am sad or angry, my mind seems to block out all the happier memories. It just because a positive feedback loop, as my mind scrambles to think of good things, fails to do so, and concludes that nothing good has happened, and so I sink even deeper into the sadness.
The next time I see my friend, I might suggest that she does something similar. I know that whole gratitude diary sounds really stupid, and even some of my gratitude posts in this blog aren't that great, but I truly believe that focusing on the positive really lightens your life.
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