Not Unattractive, Part 2

So I did it today. It went about as badly as expected.

(not actual conversation, because I can't be bothered remoting in to check the chat log, but the gist of it)

Me: Would you be insulted if someone said you were not unattractive?
Grad Daniel (GD): Well, I guess it depends. Saying something like that would mean they have to say something back to preserve their social standing.
Me: So you think it's a negative thing?
GD: Well, yeah, nobody wants to hear that from anyone.
Me: Personally, I think it's nice. If you're not unattractive, them it means you are at least average, or better.
GD: Ooooooohhhhhhhhhh, double negative. That changes things. I guess it would be good to hear it, but very confronting.
Me: OK, well, in that case, I will tell you over IM so you can hide your reaction if you want. I think you are not unattractive.
GD: Ahhhhhh, Anna-senpai is so nice!
Me: I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or not...

It went a lot better with Intern Daniel.

Me: I think you are not unattractive.
Intern Daniel: Well, that's better than being called ugly.

I got a lot of mixed advice about whether to use the term "not unattractive or not". I decided to go with "not unattractive" because then at least it's a decent conversation topic on its own, and I can decide based on how they respond whether to keep going or not. Not required for Intern Daniel, because we are always just talking about rubbish anyway.

However, unrelated to the Daniels, just in general, I have been told that using the phrase "not unattractive" gives the impression that I am purposely avoiding saying "attractive", which might cause the other person to think that they aren't attractive, otherwise I would have just used "attractive". It does also have connotations attached to it, regardless of how you preface it, "I'm already in a relationship, but I think you are an attractive person."

Oh, no, I just realised I never got a chance to explain myself to Grad Daniel why I thought he was an awesome person in the first place, because I was too busy with work. Oh well, I guess he will never know.

Anyway, I spoke to another married couple, and both of them seemed to agree that I was better off just saying nothing. So perhaps I need a better method to try and make people feel good about themselves. Grad Daniel wasn't my only target though, there were some other people who I wanted to tell this to, and I got the chance to as part of my research. But I also may have almost caused a fight.

If you recall, when I first brought this up, I ended up messaging a married friend as part of my experiment, and he didn't respond as he was asleep. I typed out an explanation below, and he replied to me the next morning telling me what his response would have been. But apparently his wife saw the first message, and was really panicked for a moment, until he told her to keep reading and she saw my explanation and they both laughed. He said she was OK with it, but I kinda feel like I should message her now to apologise, because in hindsight, it was a pretty terrible thing to do, I should have thought it through a bit more. In the past, I've always been able to be very candid with this friend, and I was used to being able to say any kind of rubbish to him, but I see now that the message would have had very dire consequences if she had taken it the wrong way. I feel really bad, and I'm not sure if I should message her to apologise, or if that would make it look even more suspicious.

Either way, going to chalk this one up to a horribly failed experiment.

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Today I learned that hemlock is a poison that is sometimes used in executions.