Not Unattractive

A friend of mine was feeling pretty down about going out to meet people, and he said he couldn't do it because he was unattractive. I told him that I didn't think he was unattractive, and he replied that it doesn't count if that comes from someone who isn't dating him, because then it's just a friend giving platitudes. It is only from someone who wants to have sex with you can you truly know whether you are attractive or not.

First of all, wow, now I know how it feels to be on the other side, where your friend doesn't trust your compliment simply because you are their friend. To be perfectly honest, I haven't seen him in a while, and he claims that he has gained a lot of weight since I last saw him. However, when I last saw him, he was also quite buff, as he had been going to the gym a lot, so I find it hard to believe that he has transformed so much in a few months that he can now label himself attractive. But I have to admit I was basing it on the last time I saw him, which he also agrees he was not unattractive at that point.

Anyway, if I haven't completely confused you by this point, I was thinking about what kind of friendship do you need to have where you can give each other compliments like that? I believe Intern Daniel and I have that kind of relationship. We have both dropped quite a lot of weight over the years, and we feel completely comfortable talking about each other's guns (or lack thereof). However, I believe part of that is the fact that he is in a long-term relationship and so am I, and we both know that.

In contrast, there's Grad Daniel, who eats nearly the same thing every day in order to bulk up (or because he gets really hungry, I'm really struggling to tell the difference now, as apparently he eats five meals a day and he said he has always been like that), and works out quite a lot. We will talk about his food, and about his gym habits, but never compliment him on his progress - even though he is actually quite tanky, you just can't tell unless he wears a T-shirt. I wanted to say something to him today, but I feel like he would take it the wrong way. He knows about MrMan5.5, so I don't think he would think I'm after him, or something silly like that, but I just get the feeling that he wouldn't react very well. Plus, I don't know if it's a factor, but he is single. Maybe that is the issue though, because of MrMan5.5, it would be really awkward for me to compliment someone on their attractiveness if they are single, because they might think I'm hitting on them.

Can you only give compliments to people who are already in relationships? That just seems messed up in the sense that the other partner might be worried you are trying to steal their man, or I don't know. I can't believe that's the case. So what is it? Thinking about some of my other friends who are in long term relationships, I don't know if it would work with them. I just messaged one say that I don't think he's not unattractive, and he hasn't responded. I hope his wife wasn't using his computer to browse the Internet, and happen to see that message. Oh no, what have I done?! Although Facebook says he's "online", Steam has him set to "snooze" so chances are he won't even see this until tomorrow morning. OK, I typed out an explanation in case his wife does stumble upon it, and I know it looks super suss, so next time I plan to do an experiment, I should wait for the other person to respond. I've lost all courage to continue the experiment now. T_T

I'm thinking back to that mating game post I wrote a while back, where you imagine everyone has a number on their head indicating how attractive they are. The 8-10s probably have a good idea that they are attractive based on the responses from the people around them, but the people in the middle have no idea where they sit, and since people tend not to praise others for being average, I wonder if a lot of them go through life believing they are below-average when they are really not. Secondly, I wonder if it would be a compliment to tell someone who thinks they are below average that they are simply average.

The aforementioned friend also said that I cannot rate myself as unattractive due to the fact that I have a partner, who must find me attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be with me. I asked him what he thought about the fact that MrMan5.5 might only be with me for my money, and he said that money can be part of what makes you attractive. So evidently we're not just talking about physical attractiveness here. Though I did try to tell a friend that he is attractive in the non-physical sense, i.e. he has a stable job that pays fairly well, he has his own house, he is intelligent, responsible, has a good sense of humour. He didn't seem to take it too well.

It's really hard to rate your own attractiveness. I guess it's easier for people with high physical attractiveness to rate their physical traits, because they can see them clearly, and will often get a reaction from others. Traits like sense of humour and stable income are pretty difficult to rate.

If I were to rate myself, I think I'd be a 6. I have a bunch of negative modifiers going for me: lack of confidence, billion health problems, high neuroticism, lack of ambition are the ones I can think of right now. I also have some pretty strong positive modifiers, like niche industry (hello software development, finance and gaming!), open-mindedness, good listening skills. As my friend said, I can't be completely unattractive, as I managed to trick four guys into dating me, and one into a friends with benefits relationship. My appearance is pretty much set, but I believe that I can work on some of the other things. I was really hung up on the appearance thing earlier though, especially in high school, and it meant that I didn't see a lot of my other awesome traits. In high school, I would have rated myself a 2. I feel like if someone had told me I had a lot of other good traits, I wouldn't have been so down on myself at that time.

That's going to be my new project, I want to try and show people how awesome they are, and raise their belief in their own attractiveness. I may have spent too long in /r/foreverAlone, and I will wake up and regret this idea in the morning.

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OK, I found someone who was awake at this time, but the experiment was a failure as I got a confused response more than anything else:

[12:31:53 AM] Me: i think you are not unattractive!
[12:31:59 AM] Friend: umm, thanks
[12:32:05 AM] Friend: : random?
[12:32:12 AM] Me: happy or sad reaction?
[12:32:20 AM] Friend: I think you told me that before
[12:32:28 AM] Me: neutral reaction?
[12:32:33 AM] Friend: I guess happy if I didn't know
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[12:36:07 AM] Friend: it's strange wording
[12:36:07 AM] Friend: like you don't want to say attractive
[12:36:13 AM] Me: what should I have said?
[12:36:20 AM] Friend: I dunno
[12:36:25 AM] Friend: it's strange to call someone normal
[12:36:36 AM] Friend: if they feel bad and think they are below normal
[12:36:39 AM] Friend: then it's nice to call them normal
[12:37:03 AM] Me: what if you are average?
[12:37:17 AM] Me: isn't it good to reaffirm that you are not below average?
[12:37:21 AM] Friend: then it sounds a bit strange to me
[12:37:22 AM] Friend: I suppose
[12:37:29 AM] Friend: that's why I don't feel bad about it
[12:39:14 AM] Me: would you have felt uncomfortable if I had said attractive instead?
[12:39:46 AM] Friend: I'd feel pretty happy and it wouldn't be uncomfortable

This friend happens to be married, so maybe you can only compliment people who are in a relationship on how attractive they are without having to worry that they think you're hitting on them.

I'm at a loss, how do I tell Grad Daniel that I think he's a great person without him thinking that I'm hitting on him, and without him thinking that I'm only saying it because he's my friend? Wait until he gets a girlfriend? But what if he doesn't feel confident enough because he doesn't realise how awesome he is, and so this opportunity never arises?

I'm too tired to think about this anymore, brain is exhausted from cramming.
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Today I learned that if a Java Object is eligible for garbage collection, and its finalize() method causes it to be no longer eligible for garbage collection, the next time it's up to be garbage collected, its finalize() method will not be called.