Annalie

Old Man at the Two Windmills: Still, true love does exist.
Suzanne, Owner Two Windmills bar: I know. After 30 years behind a bar, I'm an expert. I'll even give you the recipe. Take two regulars, mix them together and let them stew. It never fails.
-Amélie

A little context behind the above quote, if you haven't seen Amélie: In the movie, Amélie overhears Suzanne telling the old man how to create love. Then she tells one of her co-workers that one of the regular customers often sits in a particular spot which gives him a good view of her, and it might be possible that he has feelings for her. Then she tells that customer that her co-worker often looks in his direction, and it might be possible that she has feelings for him. This causes them both to start glancing at the other, and looking away at the last moment, and reinforces what Amélie told each of them. They start to look coyly at each other, and eventually go into the bathroom to have sex. This is despite the fact that before Amélie's interference, neither had feelings for the other!

It started as an offhand, but became a bit of a running gag that there was something romantic between Grad Daniel and Agent K. Intern Daniel and I joked about setting them up, and leaving the two of them alone at lunch so they could talk privately, but they both just laughed it off and told us to stop being silly.

 I was hoping for a bit of an Amélie moment, but no luck. The two of them never really talked to each other all that much. We usually eat lunch together, but it'll often be me and Agent K talking about Tinder, travel or weddings, or me and Grad Daniel talking about the developments in the tech world, or Japanese culture. To be honest, both of their interests are quite different, so it does seem a bit ridiculous for them to go out. I think the only thing they have in common is that they work for the same company.

Over the Christmas break, Agent K and I talked about it, and decided that Grad Daniel isn't really her type anyway, so I said I'd stop making jokes about it. I told Grad Daniel the same thing. Then the strangest thing happened, the two of them had some weird secret joke at lunch that I missed because I was talking to someone else. They both couldn't stop laughing, but they wouldn't explain what it was, but they kept sharing a look, and then laughing again. I think this is the first time I've seen them interact with each other that wasn't through a conversation with another person.

It made me think, what if there's another important ingredient: the challenge. As the saying goes, "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen". I thought I'd written a post on the matching hypothesis, but it seems that it's still in draft mode, so that'll have to be for tomorrow! Anyway, if someone is attracted to you, then it means you cannot be the most unattractive person in the world - you are at worst the second most unattractive. It explains why people who are already in a relationship just seem more attractive, because you know that someone out there finds them attractive. Plus, in the case of heterosexual relationships, you can compare yourself to their partner, and that would give you some idea of how attractive they are. If their partner is a friendly supermodel and multiple-Nobel prize winning researcher, then it's likely that her partner is pretty damn attractive. But even on a lower level, it's easier to compare like for like - e.g. she's skinny/fat, tall/short, vs. whatever you are. Comparing male vs female is harder, as the things people find attractive in males aren't always the same in females.

Then you add in the Dunning-Kruger effect, where most people tend to overestimate their own skill, and you will find that this will combine to make people believe they can do better. If you rate someone as a 6, and you believe that they're infatuated with you, then you might come to believe that you are an 8, which means you should be dating other 8s. You've conquered 6s, and it's time to move forward.

So perhaps both Intern Daniel and Agent K thought the entire reason I started joking about the two of them dating each other was because the other one had confided in me and I was trying to be helpful (not an unusual conclusion, given my past history). Then they did an assessment of the situation and decided that it wasn't really in their best interest to date each other. They now had some idea of what their attractiveness level was, or at least a baseline, and could use that information to look ahead at what might be possible.

Then I stopped trying to set them up, and doubt started to creep in. "If Agent K isn't attracted to me, then maybe I'm not really an 8." All the things they had built up based on the information that their baseline attractiveness was a certain point would have come crashing down.

I wonder if they are trying to re-establish that attraction in order to confirm in their minds that their self-assessment was correct. I'm sure they're not consciously doing that, as that is a pretty cold and heartless thing to do, but I mean the usual response to losing something is trying to get it back. Which is not to say that they ever had each other, but they did lose the illusion that the other person is attracted to them.

Though to be honest, I really do hope they don't date each other, as they really don't have anything in common. However, it's not something I want to get involved in, as it's always the case when someone telling you that you shouldn't be with someone just makes you extra resolved to be with that person. And it's really none of my business anyway, if they make each other happy, then so be it. I really need to stop getting involved in other people's lives without being asked to.