Happy New Year! I want to practice writing again, but I don't think I can go back to writing a post every day like when I was at uni. So my New Year's resolution is to publish a post every day next year. Which is made significantly easier by the fact that it's currently November as I'm writing this, but I am using the nifty delayed post feature to post it later. I know it's cheating, to start on my resolution in November, but I have my honeymoon planned for next year, and I don't want the pressure of having to pump out a blog posts hanging over my head. Plus, the thought of having to write 365 posts is pretty daunting!
There was a post on /r/relationships about a guy who was having problems with his wife. Someone suggested they go to marriage counselling, and one person replied that from the information given, it sounded like the relationship was already beyond the point of being salvageable by therapy. To which someone replied that it's really sad that people only seek therapy when something hits a critical breaking point.
Last week, I made an appointment to see a therapist, which I did earlier this week. For the past few months, I've really been struggling to motivate myself to go to work. To be honest, it really started in the second rotation of the graduate program, where I was finally given an actual programming job. I felt like I didn't belong there, and that I was only there because I had tricked someone into thinking that I'm a competent programmer. There were many days that I was just waiting for someone to call me out for not being a "real programmer". It didn't end when I got to my third rotation, which was another programming role. It didn't end when I got offered a position in that team as a programmer. It didn't end when I got "promoted" - though it wasn't really a promotion, they were trying to flatten the hierarchy, so they got rid of my title, and so I got "promoted" to the next title up because I had to have a title.
To add to that, my former boss' boss made such a big deal about how diverse the team is, and how we have female developers (of which I am one), and there's also the fact that with the current budget constraints, it is very hard to get new people in, so there is a tendency to retain staff, no matter how bad they are, because they're still better than nothing. I can't really tell if I haven't been fired because I'm capable, or if I'm just better than nothing. I also don't know if I was hired because they saw something in me in the 6 months that I was there, or if they were just trying to boost diversity stats (I'm a doubly diverse - being both female and Asian).
I work with many amazing programmers, and none of them make me feel bad about my work, but sometimes I wonder if they wished they hired someone better instead.
I tried shaking the lack of confidence by trying to learn more. I'm studying for the Java certification, I browse questions on Stack Overflow, I co-lead the Java committee at work, which organises lectures for people to listen to. But I just found myself getting more and more miserable at work. I finally brought it up with someone at work (Darius), who is fairly senior, but not related to my team at all, I met him through one of the other committees that I'm on. He said that I should see a therapist about it (we get a number of free therapy sessions through work).
It's strange, that my first reaction to therapy was resistance. "Whoa, it's not that bad, I don't think that I need to go to therapy!" But then I thought back to that comment about marriage therapy, and how people always start it when it's too late, so I decided to book it in. It wasn't a silver bullet, but I wasn't really expecting it to be. She made me realise that programming might not be for me, and that my reason for staying a programmer is a pretty stupid one (not wanting to let down the women in technology movement). I'm going to see a career counselor to try and work out what might be better suited to my skills.
Darius also told me about how when he was a programmer, he also doubted himself. But he later found out that one of the developers he really looked up to wasn't actually as great as he thought, and he also lacked a lot of other skills. Darius said I should think about what I contribute to the team outside of programming skill.
I've been thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm the engine grease. I'm really good at smoothing things over so that everyone is happy. I'm the first to pick up on when someone is getting upset at something, and try to work it out. Actually, sometimes I wonder if people rant to me because they find their problems magically get fixed after doing so - or if it's one of those things that can't be fixed as it's a mandate from up-above, they feel better because whenever it comes up, we share a "look" plus a sychronised eyeroll, and they enjoy the solidarity in knowing someone else feels the same.
It is a little comforting to think that maybe my team keeps me around because they like me, and even though I may not be the greatest programmer out there, I brighten up other people's day. I'm still striving to improve, though I feel like my days as a programmer are numbered. I am glad that I talked to someone about it though. I still feel miserable, but it's getting better each day.
If anyone has ever felt in the same position, a couple of things Darius linked me to helped me a lot.
Wikipedia article on the Impostor Syndrome: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
Quora question, "What does it feel like to be an average programmer among very talented ones?"
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