Imagine All the People

I daydream a lot, even while talking to people, which probably isn't a good thing, but I can't seem to stop myself. I feel a bit like JD from Scrubs when he goes off on his little imagine spots, except I don't think people notice.

One of the themes that usually comes up during my imagine spots is some sort of crazy rescue technique. The target of the rescue varies depending on which particular friendship group is on my mind at the moment. Usually at work, when I'm in a particularly boring meeting, I imagine our building being taken over in some sort of Die Hard-esque hostage situation (not very sensitive given recent events, but I guess given the nature of my work, not completely out of the question). Anyway, my team will be rounded up in one of the larger meeting rooms, with no food and no water. There will be 4 masked gunpeople (i.e. people with guns, as distinct from gun-humans), and how they will manage to secure the many floors of my office building without having a very large crew is beyond me, but my imagination doesn't really care about that particular plot hole.

All of our phones will have been confiscated, and at this point, some of the people on my team will be in tears, panicking. But I always remain super calm and collected, just waiting for an opportunity to act. A few hours in, it is now lunch time, and all of the staff are starting to get hungry. The hostage takers have anticipated this, and raided our internal catering kitchen to feed everyone. This is my chance! I tell them that I have a billion allergies, and I cannot eat this food without dying. My Anapen (because that seems more suitable for me to have than an EpiPen, given my name) is in my desk, and I just need to go down and retrieve it and I'll be fine (not how those pens work, but in my imagination, the hostage takers don't know that).

The hostage takers discuss among themselves, and they're split, half will not care, and want me to eat the food anyway, and the other half will not want a dead hostage before negotiations have even begun.

Hostage Taker A: We need to feed her.
Hostage Taker B: It's only been a few hours since breakfast, she's not going to die from missing a meal.
Hostage Taker A: That's true.
Hostage Taker C: Just go and get the damn pen, just in case. What if one of the other hostages makes her eat it in order to create a distraction?
Hostage Taker A: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but for the sake of this imagine spot, I'll accept your argument. I'll take her down to get her pen.

So I leave the meeting room escorted by HTA, and we take the stairs to get down to my floor. Using my super kung fu skills that I have for some reason, I manage to knock him out in the stairwell, but really quietly, so nobody hears, then I drag him into a corner, and steal his clothes and gun. We are the same height and size for some reason, even though that is also incredibly unlikely given that he's a man, but let's go with it.

In my disguise, I head to one of the top floors, where the CEO happens to work in, and peek out from the stairwell into the lift lobby. Coast is clear! So I get out and walk confidently to one of the doors and swipe my pass. Oh, that's right, I don't have access to this floor because I only work in technology, so why would they want us plebs here? I don't know why my imagination didn't give me a free pass on this thing as well, but such is life.

I knock on the glass door and make an expression like, "Oops, I forgot my pass, can you let me in please?" which of course, since I'm in disguise, the hostage takers totally fall for it, and one of them presses the button to open the door. After walking in, I super kung fu him to the ground as well, and drag him into one of the small conference rooms so that nobody will find his body.

All the staff who saw that are looking at me in fear and confusion. Nobody says anything, so I take my mask off.

Me: It's OK, I'm one of the programmers from the FX team. The stairwell is all clear, run now while nobody is looking. Don't leave the door open too long or you'll set off the fire alarm.

The staff in the immediate area sneak out into the stairwell quietly, while one of them gestures to one of the offices on the other side of the floor. I nod my head in acknowledgement and put my mask back on.

Using my mirror that I always carry around, I do that sneaky peak around a corner thing, and notice there are two more masked hostage takers on this floor and still more staff in those areas. I do what any sneaky rescue officer would do.

Me: HEY! MY GUN IS BROKEN, CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE?

Both of them look at me with a WTF expression on their face (I can tell, even though they're wearing masks), so I use that moment to super kung fu run towards them really fast, and I tackle the first one, and manage to roll him around and use him as a shield so that when the second one fires his gun at me, he takes the bullets instead. I throw his body off, and super kung fu run towards the other guy, because he's busy reloading his gun now, and I kung fu knock him out and steal his gun, so now I have four guns. But still only two hands, so I ditch three of the guns. I tell the staff to run out the stairwell and they do.

There are no guards around the CEO but he is tied to his plump office chair. And he is gagged. So I go into his office and I take my mask off, "It's OK, I'm one of the programmers from the FX team."

He looks really relieved, and motions for me to ungag and untie him. So I remove his gag.

Mr CEO: I'm so glad you're here. What's going on? I woke up from my nap and I was in this chair.
Me: The building is in a hostage situation. All the people on this floor have escaped, but the other floors are still in danger.
Mr CEO: It's OK, I saw what you did with those two guys, you should be able to clear the rest of the building easily.
Me: So you want me to use my valuable skills to help save the company?
Mr CEO: Yes.
Me: WELL, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERED THAT BEFORE CUTTING FUNDING TO MY TEAM.

And that's when I realise someone is asking me a question, and I have no idea what has been said in the last twenty minutes.

Relationship Celliebration Book

Before MrMan5.5, I wanted the Hollywood chick flick romance - the guy chases the girl, there is some misunderstanding, the guy realises he can't live without the girl, and he chases after her again, and they end up happily ever after. I've matured a lot more since then, and I think now what I want is what Carl and Ellie shared in Up (warning: while it's not that scene, it's still a kick in the guts, so you probably shouldn't watch it if you haven't seen Up before, and you should definitely not watch it if you have seen it already).

It's just about two people who fall in love, and their adventures together. Despite the things that happen to them, they roll with the punches, and overall, they support each other. That's what I want - somebody to share my adventures with, and grow old with. He doesn't have to buy me super sparkly stuff, or hijack a plane that's about to take off just to confess his love for me.

Inspired by Carl and Ellie's romance, I want to make a photo book like Ellie's adventure book, as a guest book to have at the wedding (the book that guests at the wedding can sign and leave messages in). Here is a video showing the adventure book (same warning applies here as above).

I know some people are huge fans of photos, but I love taking them because I like looking back at all the things that I've done, and the people that I've done them with. Some of you may remember that I decided to make a photo book of my gaming experiences, and I did. I flicked through it again today, and it was nice remembering the events.

Here are some pics in case you haven't seen it yet!

I've been going through old photos of me and MrMan5.5 and it has been really fun. Though the good thing about being a photographer is that there usually aren't any photos of you. The bad part about being a photographer is there usually aren't any photos of you... I think some family members have some actual film photos though, so I'm going to see if I can get my hands on some of those.

Since there aren't that many photos of us, I might find some of the things that brought us together, or some of the non-photographed adventures that we've had.

I will post pics once I'm done!

(I'm sorry for the sub-par word count (427), will make up for it after this book is done.)

ADIDAS.... not

I wrote about having a lower libido earlier, and I've been thinking a lot about the cause of it. I know I tend to think a lot more about sex when I'm bored, and to be honest, I have very little time left these days to be bored. Not because I'm super popular, but there's always one more Dota 2 game that I could fit in, or one more page of Reddit posts to read. Now I have these blog posts to write in my down time, and I have a heap of Steam games that I need to finish. Compared to when I was at my most sexually active, which was while I was at uni. I had tons of free time, and even though I had a lot to do (assignments), I had the freedom to procrastinate, and that gave me plenty of time to daydream about sex.

I've been reading a lot of posts on Reddit from men who feel tricked that their spouse appeared to be a nymphomaniac before marriage/kids, and is now completely uninterested in sex. MrMan5.5 and I did hit a rough patch about a year or so ago, but I've been working a lot harder on it. However, we are soon to be married, and who knows what will happen after that?

The subreddit I was browsing tends to have a mantra about how to handle a dead bedroom - leave, deal with it, or cheat. Fortunately, I do not think MrMan5.5 is in danger of cheating or leaving at the moment, which means the only option remaining is to deal with it. The thought of him suffering in silence makes me feel really sad. And he'll probably grow to resent me. There was a guy who kept a spreadsheet recording all of the times he asked his wife for sex, and her response, along with her excuse when she said no. I don't want MrMan5.5 to have to resort to that.

Something I've been trialing is trying to get myself to watch more porn. I know this sounds like a stealth brag, and I don't mean it to, but I have barely needed to watch porn since moving out with MrMan5.5. Usually if I do it, it's because I can't sleep. Perhaps that's also one of the causes of my low libido - not that I was watching lots of porn while living with my parents and with my computer in the same room as my brother's computer. I was reading more erotic literature back then though.

It has definitely helped, in fact, MrMan5.5 ended up turning me down once, and now I know how he feels when I tell him that now isn't a good time. It is going to require a conscious effort to maintain this though, as I can already feel the effects wearing off since the last time I binge watched some porn. I'm also a bit worried about the porn desensitisation effect, as even last time, there was a lot of stuff I was watching that I got really bored with, which rarely happened in the past. Maybe the quality has gone downhill since I last tried though. But I do want to stick with YouPorn, since they are sponsoring a Dota 2 team, so I want to give them my advertising cents. I will just need to get better at finding the decent videos.

Since this has just started, I can't really report on how successful it has been, but I am open to ideas from other people about different things I could do. This is my year of proactive problem solving, so I want to address this thing before it gets so bad that end up sucking some random woman's juices off MrMan5.5's dick.

People I Am Grateful For - N, O, and P

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We were brought together on that fateful enrolment day, you being one of the few other people who studied arts/engineering. You got me to sign up for the roleplaying club at uni, which ended up being a huge influence on my life. You were my inner nerd, you introduced me to a world filled with people like me, and at the risk of sounding emo, people who understood me. I actually dreamed about being at uni, studying by myself in the library every day, and all of those plans were ruined by you.

I remember being on a quest for a gay best friend, because it seemed like some manic pixie dream girl whimsical thing to do, and  you made fun of me for it, and for the fact that someone who said he wasn't gay was going to be really sad because I thought he was. But funnily enough, it turns out I kinda completed my quest without knowing it.

You, "I" and I were my core friendship group throughout uni, and even though we didn't even study the same thing, we still managed to keep close the whole time. I am incredibly grateful that I had the two of you to get me through.

I really enjoy how much you make me think. You have a very unique view of the world (and I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just the incredibly combination of interests that you have make conversations with you always interesting, even though you and MrMan5.5 can never seem to agree). You're one of my favourite people to play the hypothetical game with.

Though I disagree with your views on fat people, some of your rants did motivate me to do some exercise, and I'm also grateful that you were willing to go running with slowpoke me. Even though I finally managed to get a 6 on the beep test, I still don't think I could outrun a crazy, angry gambler from the casino. Luckily for me, I'm not in that situation anymore.

I'm really grateful that I met you, I'm grateful for the social support I've received from you, and I'm grateful for you not spreading that story about me and the Spanish guy anymore.

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I thank you for understanding and supporting me during my career as a croupier, and for keeping me company while I was in vampire mode. It was hard explaining to some people that I take people's money for a living, but you never judged.

You also pushed me to get better at HoN and Dota 2.

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You were my first girl-gamer and programmer role model, proof that you can be a girl-gamer, work in IT, and not be completely socially maladjusted.

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"O" and "P", you two were my favourite UST entertainment, but in light of recent events, I've decided it's time to change the channel. I had planned to write a lot more about the two of you, but I just really don't feel very grateful right now. I enjoy spending time with you both, but I'm sorry, I need a break.

Oh, and "P", I lied to you. I do have balsamic vinegar at home - not because of MrMan5.5, but because I think it's delicious with salad. This is Australia, and you can buy it at the supermarket, and alarms don't go off "Beep beep beep, someone who isn't white is buying balsamic vinegar. Arrest them!"

Surgical Removal

Came across a guy's revenge for his cheating fiancée - at dinner with her parents, he took her ring back and said it was meant to symbolise a promise not to suck her ex's dick and told her to get used to living with her parents because she'll be moving back in with them. MrMan5.5 discussed whether that was an appropriate action, and came to the conclusion that while neither of us would endorse it, we felt it was justified.

Being someone that hasn't been cheated on, at least as far as I know, I'm starting to think that maybe taking the high road is a stronger punishment - I'm going to call this method the surgical cut. Note: I think this relates more to relationships that haven't progressed too far that you've started to intermingle your lives. So your parents are still fairly separate, you still have your own friends, and your own identities outside of the couple - which I realise people who have been together for a long time can still do, but what I mean is, if you were to break up, it wouldn't be a mess of who would take what.

I think if you are going to separate friends, then there is no need to air all of someone's dirty laundry to their friends. These are people you are likely never to see again, so is it really all that important to clear your name to them? MrMan5.5 said that it might be a good idea to let others know what this person is a cheater - give them a scarlet letter of sorts. I can sort of get behind that, but I feel it might be a bit of a lost cause, because they're your ex's friends, and they're likely to side with him/her, and whatever crazy story they have.

Also, and perhaps I am alone in this belief, but I think it's more cathartic to just make a clean break, no need for excessive drama (though I do love drama). Just pack your stuff, if you're living together, and find somewhere new to live. Unless you own the place, or are on the lease, then kick your ex out as soon as possible. No crying, no asking why they did it, no screaming, no plate tossing, just quickly remove yourself from their life.

You might think this is the doormat in me talking, but I disagree, I think this is the ultimate punishment.

Perhaps Reddit is not the best source of anecdotes, but from all the cheating threads I've read, a popular theme is that the cheatee is often blamed for the cheating - "You didn't love me enough" or "You drove me to it by doing X, Y, Z". When in reality, unless it was a gun-to-head situation for some sort of forced cuckolding, the cheater always has the option to break it off before cheating, but they chose not to. Why did they choose to cheat? Possibly to have the safety net of having a partner while trying out someone new to see if they were better? Either way, I think the cheater trying to offload the blame is unfair to the person being cheated on. By doing the quick, surgical removal of yourself from their life, you deny them the chance to explain themselves. Which is really more about them trying to justify in their mind why they did what they did despite knowing it was wrong, rather than trying to give you some sort of feedback to work on. So don't let them do it.

The next part of the punishment, and I think it depends on the type of person who did the cheating, is the seemingly lack of revenge. For me, when I messed up at school (i.e. was late for class), I got detention. Detention just seemed like a fine to pay, in exchange for being able to do something. The worst punishment growing up was disappointment from people I respected. When I got caught red-handed and was given no punishment except to stew in the knowledge that I had just done something really bad. Similar, in this situation, the surgical cut will mean at some point in the future - and it may be far, far into the future, the cheater will be feeling introspective, and they'll remember the time that you left them. They will wonder, "Why did he just leave? Didn't he care that I cheated at all?"

Actually, I just talked myself out of my own idea. I just realised that the cheater will still self-justify the cheating by saying that you didn't care about them enough, that's why you were able to make a clean break. Initially, I thought they'd feel disgusted with themselves, like "I'm so worthless, someone was able to leave me with no fuss", but I doubt that would ever happen unless the person was already fairly low in self-esteem. My whole punishment idea revolved around attacking their mental state, but in hindsight, I think that's a really asshole-ish thing to do! Sure, they cheated, but there's no need to lower their self-esteem over it.

So I take it all back. The surgical cut method would only be recommended if you just want to make a clean break and not deal with drama - or if you have a perfectly shined saddle for your moral high horse like I do. I don't think it's a superior form of punishment. Also, I think if I were ever in that situation, I'd struggle to be cool as a cucumber. Although I'm fairly good at compartmentalising things for dealing with later when I have the mental capacity to do so, maybe I would end up doing it as a coping strategy. I like to be doing something when dealing with issues, and I think packing up your stuff is more productive than yelling and screaming about who is at fault. But ultimately, it's down to personal preference, I can understand people wanting to vent, or publicly shame their partner for being a cheater.

Pro Anna

Since starting this weight loss period of my life, I have been getting some comments about my eating habits. Some people are constantly worried that I'm not eating enough, and will always ask about my diet. I don't think I look thin for them to be concerned, but I guess it is touching that these people care about me. In case you are wondering, no, I'm not on some crazy no-eating diet. I'm rarely hungry, pretty much the only time I get hungry is shortly before lunch and shortly before dinner, which I think is healthy. I have read that anorexic people enjoy controlling how much they put into their bodies because it is a part of their life that they do have control over. So when everything is falling into a burning heap, at least they have control over their body weight.

Instead of controlling my weight, I think my fallback treatment is controlling my finances. It sounds silly, but I really enjoy looking at how much interest I've earned from doing almost nothing. I've been thinking about getting into the investment game for a while now, but I'm too risk averse to be able to bring myself to do it. Plus, if we are looking at buying a house soon after getting married, we probably need more liquid assets anyway.

I recently picked up You Need A Budget at the last steam sale, and have spent the past month itemizing all of our spending and making a budget. I enjoy keeping track of where all of my money is going, and looking at all the graphs that breakdown the spending categories, but sometimes I feel as though it's painful spending money. Which is crazy, because it's not like we are struggling with money at the moment (although every wedding expense is eating away at my heart).

I came across this reddit post by someone who describes exactly how I feel:

http://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/2thwad/money_is_for_saving_not_for_using_saving_to_the/

I think about dying before I can enjoy the money and it scares me....

To put it into a dorky perspective... When I play RPGs, I stockpile hundreds of potions until the last battle, and I still hesitate to use them. I really only needed 5, and it all kind of feels like a waste.

I'm exactly the same when it comes to MMOs. When playing Final Fantasy X, I made it most of the way through the game without using any of the consumable items you find in the game (with the exception of a couple of grenades the tutorial makes you use when Rikku joins your team). I just felt like I had to save them for when I really, really needed them. When I finally started to hit the inventory cap for some of the items, you'd think I'd start using them more often, but nope, all I did was sell them for money. Money which is mainly used for buying consumable items! I did end the game being ridiculously rich, but there were some parts of the game where I died over and over, and had to grind levels until my party was strong enough to make it through.

I don't know if this is a good behaviour to have. Some of the comments point at it being a marker of low self-worth, as the OP says, he's happy to spend all kinds of money on gifts, he just can't bring himself to spend money on himself. Likewise, I am perfectly happy to spend all of my money on things that my family or MrMan5.5 want - I even set up an emergency fund for my sister, in case she can't get in contact with my parents and desperately needs money (though it mostly goes towards her Steam game purchases... runs in the family). I was really hesitant to spend $50 on a game that I really wanted to play.

It's really hard for me to justify spending money on certain frivolous things, especially when there are so many other things that the money needs to go towards. It does stress me out a bit, as sometimes I feel like I am spending so much of my life going to work, just to earn money to keep things running smoothly so that I can keep going to work. Intern Daniel has a conspiracy theory that mortgages are things invented by the government to make sure that we keep working until we're old. Usually when I start feeling down about saving money, I try to think about the bigger picture, and how I would like to buy a house for my parents. Sometimes I feel a bit stingy though, although I mostly feel this when I go out to eat with friends and they're all ordering drinks and I'm just happy with my water. But the water thing is just me trying to keep my sugar intake down, rather than my desire to save money. So I am a penny-pincher, but not as bad as I seem!

Having YNAB has made me feel a lot better about where my money is going, and after things relax a little after the wedding and the honeymoon, I think I'll start assigning a bit more money to myself and the things I want to do. It'll make it a lot easier to focus on the larger goal, and I won't feel so compelled to beat myself up over every dollar spent. Even though each hotel booking is another huge chunk out of our savings account, I am looking forward to being able to relax in Europe for six and a half weeks. We're nearing the final sprint - 100 days to go!

People I am Grateful For - K, L, and M

I'm grateful to you for having a WoW buddy for so long! I'm actually grateful for you to have the courage to stand for the things that you really care about, because I care about them, too, I'm just not as vocal about it because I don't want to be that guy. I think it's awesome that when you play Democracy, you also can't stomach the thought of implementing some of the policies, even though it'll make things much easier for you in the long run, because they clash with your personal ideals.

I admire that you don't care about being called a hipster, and you'll do what you want anyway. I could never do that. I can totally picture you as a sassy black woman who "don't need no man to take care of her" because that's just how you are. You like your independence.

I'm also grateful for having you as a gaming buddy. We've gone through some pretty poor games together (lol, Archeage). Here's to many more weird and wonderful games in the future - and to us inevitably playing the next WoW expansion!

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You were my first close male friend. When people ask if it's possible for a guy and a girl to be platonic friends, I wonder if we managed to pull it off. We were just two pals chilling, playing badminton, or Big 2. I felt like I could talk to you about everything (well, except things like periods, but I don't really want to talk about that with anyone, MrMan5.5 included). Even though I was a sad, tragic nerd, you always pushed me to do more exercise. There was the time you didn't have a textbook, so we ran all the way out to the bookstore to buy it, and all the way back. I thought I was going to die, but we made it back to class, barely.

We had a lot of fun times. Like that time in physics class where you were falling asleep, so you asked me to slap you. I didn't think you were joking, so I did, and it was a really loud slap that made the entire class stare at us. It was only afterwards that you told me that you were kidding. Oops! It wasn't all good times though. You asked me to take the UMAT with you, because you had your heart set on becoming a dentist, but you didn't want to do it alone. So I did. The day that the results came, I had the eagerness of someone who wanted to see what high scores they had achieved. I should have been a bit more sensitive to what you were going through. You were absolutely crushed when you opened your paper, and it was the first time I saw you cry. I'm kicking myself now for not helping you study for the test, how different things would have been. Sigh.

Unfortunately, your parents were moving back interstate, so at the end of Year 12, we bid farewell. And you were also the first guy to give me his number.... all six digits of it! So we never kept in touch. You also seem to share a first name with a lot of girls who like to pose in bikinis, so I always feel really seedy Googling you. For all the good times, Majump Jump.

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I definitely feel that without you, I wouldn't have this cushy job that I currently have. You agreed to be one of my references, and one who actually holds a bit of clout in the development world, so I'm sure that has played a big part in my work history. It's not just that though, I think you were one of the other people who has helped bring me and MrMan5.5 closer together, with your penchant for ... interesting anime. I have to say, that can girls one was pretty funny, despite how fanservicey it was. Funny in a "This is such a strange thing to turn into an anime" kind of way.

But it has been encouraging to know that despite being a complete failure in the year that you got to know me, I have grown into a far more competent developer, maybe one day even AJ will feel that I am worth his time! It's something to strive for anyway.

Sometimes I think that MrMan5.5 and I are slowly following in your footsteps, and it's good to know that we have a nice future to look forward to. Congratulations for the recent developments in your life, I hope to hear more good news from your direction in the future! Thanks again for believing in me, or letting me believe in you who believes in me.

People I am Grateful For - J

When we first met, I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship, though I didn't know it at the time. We had "broken up" yet again as he hopped on a plane and flew to Spain, and I alternated between moping in WoW and moping in real life over how I was going to get him back (on the plus side, I finally managed to get to level 60). Those Korean panda trainers, I'll never forget that they were the reason we met.

I honestly cannot remember what we talked about, but I do remember that over time, we just kept talking more and more. One day, we were talking until quite late, and you mentioned you had a flying lesson pretty early in the morning. I told you to go to bed, but you wanted to keep talking. Eventually, we did sleep, and when I didn't hear from you for most of the next day, I thought the worst. I felt so relieved when I finally saw that popup saying you were online.

That began my addiction to seeing your name appear. I would get such a rush, and I always wanted to say, "Hi" as soon as I saw it, but I didn't want to appear like an overeager schoolgirl, so I'd battle with myself over how long to wait until I could open the chat window. Then you would say, "Hi!" and I'd feel like I could burst with happiness. We got to the point where we were going to exchange photos, but in the proviso that we duel each other in game. I dueled every rogue in my guild as preparation, and read so many priest vs rogue guides. You are the reason Shadow Word: Pain is bound to my fastest pressed key, and still is, as I trained myself to press it as soon as I heard that whooo (Youtube link) sound. Spin around while healing so you don't get gouged. Save fear for when you get kicked. DoT as soon as you can. Kite as much as possible.

It was all for nothing though, as I lost against you again and again. You had a picture of me, but I had none of you, which infuriatingly just added to your allure even more. I think you ended up sending one out of pity though, as I did get one, but I don't remember ever winning. You showed me that this is what it should feel like to love someone, not that you are their emotional dumping ground for how badly the world has treated them, and how you have to make them happy again.

You are also the first person I'd met who loves his job. Loves his job a lot - and still does, nearly 10 years later, according to your presentation at PAX. So much so that you even wrote your own games in your spare time, although a quick Google search shows that your webpage hasn't been updated in a few years, mostly because you're not allowed to anymore. You helped me get through algorithms, even though you detested the theory-heavy nature that my alma mater is famous for. You were the first to make me feel like programming as a career can be fun.

I wanted to say thank you to you, for bringing passion back to my heart, and to my work - I kinda like the fact that you've had such a big impact on my life, and we've still never met. I also wanted to say goodbye, because after hitting submit on this post, I am compartmentalizing you away. You are happily married, and judging by Facebook (you've locked yours down, but you should probably tell your wife not to share her stuff with the public), it looks like you just had your first child. I am soon to happily married. So long, and thanks for all the crippling poison to the face.

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I know that I said I'd think about sending some of these out to their intended recipients, but this is not going to be one of those.

People I am Grateful For - G, H, and I

You taught me the meaning of the word tomboy. You were crass, push, often inconsiderate, and so so very loud, but I have to say, you were the kind of friend who would go to the ends of the Earth for someone they considered a friend. You were the only other girl in our year to take year 12 physics, and we both had plans to go into engineering (though at the time, I also wanted to study mechatronics alongside you). You introduced me to Naruto, and were always trying to get me to go to the WWWA events. The day before our final chemistry exam, you convinced me and |b| to head over to Melbourne University to go to a marathon, and I won my very first anime wall scroll.

It's funny how those little things you don't think about much may have made a huge difference. If you had never gotten me into anime, I might have thought that MrMan5.5 was just some otaku loser. I probably never would have taken up Japanese and gone to Japan twice (and I still want to go back again for their delicious cup noodles and vending machine corn soup. Oh, and vending machine red bean drink. And how can you forget convenience store anpan? Plus warm, delicious curry udon).

It's because of you that I already had some friends at uni before I even started, as you, being the incredibly outgoing person that you are, had already scoped out all the cool clubs and started meeting new people - even though you ended up moving interstate to study law instead.

Thank you for being one of the butterfly flaps that ended up with me being in the happy situation that I am in now.

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We got to know each other during my darkest time. I refused to go to school, saw a bunch of therapists, I'm surprised at how many people jumped out of the woodwork to try and get me back on my feet, but I was being an emo little shit, and all I wanted was for it all to end. Except I was too cowardly, and couldn't face the pain that would come from something like cutting myself, or jumping onto the train tracks (though I did get pretty close to that one).

I knew of you, though since you taught ESL, and English is my first language, you never taught me. However, you did live 2 minutes from my house, and I don't know why, but you volunteered to drive me to school every morning. All of a sudden, it was an "authority figure" coming in every morning to drag my ass off to school, rather than my mum. I guess years of bowing to the power of teachers had me unable to pull the same, "Leave me alone" crap I did with my parents.

I was not very good at talking back then, but you gave me a notebook and told me that I should write things in it. Thus began my very first diary. In true emo fashion, I vented about how bad the world was, and how it felt like only I could see everything that was wrong, and why didn't anyone understand me?! After I was done, I gave it back to you for you to read. You wrote me a letter in response, and I don't remember a lot of it, but you addressed something that came up in my diary a lot. "A bore is a man who, when asked how he is, tells you" was one of my favourite quotes. I was absolutely convinced that I was a boring person of no consequence, and the world would probably be better off without me. Well, I alternated between that and saving the world with my crazy band-aid scheme. You told me that when someone meets you and finds you boring, that just means they do not find you interesting - it doesn't mean you are not an interesting person.

That advice really stuck with me, and I'm glad I never lived out my emo fantasies, as when I finally made it to university, I did meet people who found me interesting, or at least others who shared the same interests as me. So thank you, for turning my life around.

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It’s hard to boil down this friendship into a few moments that have meant a lot. I wouldn’t call us besties in the sense of “BFFS 4 LYF”, but I’ve always considered you my best friend. Despite some of the crappier things I’ve done, like be a complete lazy bum on a holiday in Queensland and drag you around to the dodgier part of Brisbane to meet some guy I met in a video game, you’ve never complained about anything. You just seem to take everything in your stride.

You're one of the most compassionate people I've ever met, and I think becoming a doctor is really suitable to your personality, so I'm glad you finally achieved your dream.

Oh! I'm also super grateful that you're a bit of a studying bum like me, and that we'd spend ages at the library not really doing anything. And you got me to read some pretty awesome books. I don't think I'd be half the bookworm that I am without your influence.

I don't really know what else to say, other than thank you for everything. I'm incredibly glad that one of the teachers decided to pair us together on orientation day.

Swinging a Club

Taking a break from the gratitude - I'll finish it, I promise! Only 20 days in and I'm already struggling with writer's block. ~_~

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20 days in, and 20 minutes to go before my bedtime. Let's see if I can stream of consciousness my way into a long enough post. Here we go!

MrMan5.5 was recently admitted into hospital and had to receive surgery. Part of his recovery process meant that he was not to strain himself, which included reduced bedroom activities. Since moving in together, I've noticed that my libido has dropped - possibly because mine has always been lower than his, so essentially, anytime I wanted sex, I could have it (blah blah blah, riding the cock carousel, go away Red Pillers). There wasn't really the same level of anticipation as there was before we saw each other all the time. I've noticed that whenever MrMan5.5 is away for an extended period of time, my libido climbs. So right now, it's something I'm thinking about a lot, which sucks, because it's not something that I can fulfill right now. Scumbag hormones. :(

I went to bed a couple of days ago, and I must have had the conversation I had with a friend on my mind when I fell asleep because I remember dreaming about her and another friend of mine. Naked. They were having sex, and I was turned on by watching them. Part of me wanted to join in, but it just felt wrong, like I felt MrMan5.5 waiting for me, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

I've mentioned by rule about the third person being a stranger before, but with these two, it felt so natural. Is that strange? Is there an exception to the third person rule, for instance, if you've already had sex with the other person, then your partner already knows that you've compared the two, and decided that your partner is better? Or how about if it's someone that the both of you are attracted to? Is this how people become swingers?

At the same time, I feel like it's too late in life to begin something like this. It might sound really prudish, but if we end up having children, I would not want them to know that this is the kind of lifestyle that we lead. I don't even want to know about what my parents might have gotten up to before I was born. I think this is the kind of thing that can end up scarring your children for life.

I'm actually really curious now, how you join this mysterious world. I imagine it's some sort of invite-only club, and the two of you have to be fairly attractive in order to join. Maybe I could start some sort of ugly people's swingers club. But then what if people show up, and aren't interested in having sex with anyone else at the party? Although, there is that whole secretly wanting to have sex with people you know. So what if I make it a neighbourhood swingers club instead? While all the children are off at camp, you can meet up, and flirt with the lady that always brings lamingtons to the school bake. It'd definitely make those neighbourhood watch meetings a lot more interesting.

Although there was that episode of CSI, where they did have a neighbourhood swingers club, and it turned out that the daughter of one of the couples had started to get involved with one of the older men, and she ended up killing her mother out of jealousy. So yeah.... might want to steer clear of that one. Again, no children should be harmed in the making of my swingers club.

Oh! How about a roleplayers swingers club? It'd be really fun for everyone to get into character, like a murder mystery night, except instead of trying to work out who the killer is, you find someone (or someones) that you would like to spend the night with. You can't break character, even during the sex.

"Oh, Constable Thomas. Thank you for rescuing my puppy from the notorious thief Marceux. Please let me open my legs for you, and allow you to take your pleasure."

"Madame Winter, it was my pleasure. And it shall be my pleasure to watch your soft bosom sigh as I show you what the true force of the Nottingham constabulary can do."

This seems like the kind of stuff that I'd only be able to do if I was really rich, as I imagine you'd need a fancy Victorian house to be able to pull it off properly. Oh well, I can still dream.

People I am Grateful For - D, E and F

I'm already bored of this topic, but the show must go on. 6 down, 20 more to go.
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We've been friends since before primary school, and it wasn't even me that did it, it was all you. You were like my guardian in primary school, as I was far too shy to make my own friends, so I just leeched off yours. You taught me drinking games, even though I am just as horrible at them now as I was the first time. I'm really glad I did not decorate your backyard with my dinner.

We grew apart once we moved to different schools, but we still stayed in contact with the occasional snail mail letter! It was always so fun to get a letter in the mail from you.

You were the cool big sister that I never had, and I'm grateful that I had you to take care of me. I wanted to ask you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, to have someone from primary school, someone from high school, and someone from university, but you were having issues with your current partner at the time, so I didn't want to rub it in. However, you are also engaged now, and have bought your own house, which I think is awesome. I am glad things are looking up for you. :)

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When it comes to gamers, I often think of the 50 dkp minus guy (needs link here) yelling at his raid for not performing. I just thought this was the standard in the top raiding guilds, because you don't want to waste the time of 39 other people. We did have our 50 dkp minus guy, who I wrote to yesterday, but on the flip side, we had you. You weren't the guild leader, the raid leader, or even the mage leader, but everyone in the guild respected you and your skills. You always seemed to have an infinite level of patience, and I never once saw you rage.

You were the reason I wanted to get better at DotA. No matter how bad I was, you were always willing to play with me and get me to improve. Although to be honest, you carried me every game.

That day where we met up on Bored Aussies' Warcraft 3 server after we had both left WoW still shines in my memory. For the first time since those Tuesday WoW maintenance DotA matches, we were finally playing as equals and I felt so proud when we won the game.

DotA, and MOBAs in general, are famous for being really tough to get into, and full of vitriol for new players. Thank you for guiding me through that initial tough period, and for introducing me to one of my favourite games.

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I think we both have to admit that the school we went to was not of the greatest reputation. However, you managed to be one of the standout teachers in my memory. I remember cringing when at one of the parent-teacher days, my mum complained that I wasn't getting enough homework, and you told her that you'd find me more stuff to do. I dreaded science class because it just meant getting even more work, and I was afraid of people thinking I was a nerd because you were giving me extra work sheets to take home.

Fast forward to the last two years of high school, and the introduction of the standalone chemistry subject. I remember staying after school to talk over the theories on the structure of atoms with you. And how you told me about Schrodinger and his cat in a box thought experiment. Though I never progressed past a rudimentary understanding of quantum physics, it was amazing to see the way you lit up when you talked about it. And of course, your charming English accent made it all the more nicer to hear. Now that I have some friends who have become teachers, I realise how much of a sacrifice it was for you to stay back after school, since you were giving up your precious free time. So I really appreciate all that you did for me.

The fact that I never studied chemistry at uni still makes me sad now, and I know I could read up on it in my spare time, but I feel so lost now, and a lot of the things that I knew back then are completely foreign to me now.

People I am Grateful For - B and C

I feel like a bit of a cop out, as looking at the word count provided by Wordpress, these posts are quite a lot shorter than my usual, so I'm combining two in one. Plus, that means this'll be over sooner and I can stop boring you all with them.

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You're an interesting one. I admit, I was scared of you for a very long time. You did not believe in kiddie gloves, and you never hesitated to give your honest opinion. At the time, I thought you were an asshole, but now I appreciate your honesty. You are still the best raid leader I have ever played with in any game. I remember after spending hours wiping on Princess Huhuran, everybody was so demoralised and we were just waiting for the call to end it for the night. But you said, "No." You said, "Harden the fuck up." (I feel like there should be a comma in there or something because it looks like it is telling someone to use harden on the fuck up.) We persevered for another two hours, but we did it.

Since then, when I have struggled, I hear your voice in the back of my head. "HARDEN THE FUCK UP." I'm pretty sure I have a recording of it somewhere. Way better than those white text on a black background with a picture of a waterfall posters. You probably don't know it, but you've helped me push myself further than I ever thought I could go.

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I wouldn't call us the closest of friends, as we probably see each other about three or four times a year, but you are definitely on my 3am trip to the airport list. What I admire about you the most is that you are like social lubricant. You have this magical effect to bring people together, and make them have a great time, just by being there. Sometimes I worry that it exhausts you, and that you might not like people dragging you out to things, as you often say, "No, I don't want to go.... No..... No.... OK, fine, I'll go." But you're a big boy now, and you can make your own decisions.

In the earlier stages of my relationship with MrMan5.5, things weren't as easy as they are now. I think we were still finding out feet, and we weren't as comfortable with each other. You probably felt a bit like a third wheel, but I feel that having you around helped us develop our history, and grow closer to each other.

And the crazy ideas. So many crazy ideas. The one I remember the most was that game we were going to make, which would have been something like Dungeon Defenders crossed with Line Tower Wars. At least that's how I pictured it. But you indulged me in everything, nothing was too crazy for us. Maybe that just means that we're both crazy. Who knows?

You were the inspiration for my push last year, to go out and be more social. Doing that has given me a huge boost of confidence. I really hope you were able to find that in yourself as well last year.

So thank you for helping me find (and keep) the most important person in my life, and thank you for helping me be the person that I am today (even if it's a little crazy). I hope one day to be able to return the favour.

People I am Grateful For - A

To follow on from my post of a couple of days ago, I thought I'd start writing thank you letters to some of the people I'm grateful to have, or have had, in my life. Perhaps a lame way to get 26 blog posts out of it (because there are 26 letters of the alphabet, and I had to pick some sort of limit), but I think that it's nice to reflect on some of the good things that have happened, because it becomes far too easy to just remember the negative things. One day, if I ever become brave enough, I may even end up sending some of these letters to their intended recipients, but I'm afraid it might be too weird, and they might say, "Lol, umm... why are you saying all this stuff? Are you dying?" and it might possibly fuel those cancer rumours. :( If I don't end up writing something to you, that doesn't mean I don't value you in my life. I was just thinking about some of the people in my life who have been a turning point of some kind for me.

OK, let the games begin!

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I've struggled with self-motivation a lot in the past, and I know my weight has been something I've wanted to get under control, but never been able to. But for the past couple of years, you've really helped me get through it. Seeing your own journey to slim down helped a lot, as I knew that you knew what I was going through. Mostly importantly, it was that you never made me feel bad about myself, and you constantly reiterated, "Do it for yourself". There were a lot of Mondays where I came into work and told you about how I did not go to the gym, and the horrible foods I ate, and still, you never chastised me. You just told me to keep going.

I kept waiting for the stick, and it never came. Then one Monday, as I was preparing to type another summary of my bad weekend to you, it just hit me. Is this what I really want to do? I could hear the voice of one of my best friends, telling me about his total disdain for fatties. I could hear the kids at the supermarket saying, "Why don't we ask the fat lady?" (In reference to me.) But that wasn't enough. I eventually decided that I did want to lose weight, and not to avoid the scathing remarks from others, but for myself.

I wanted to say thank you, for pushing me to push myself, and for never losing faith in me.

For Great Justice!

Archeage is far from perfect. When I quit, it was sinking further and further into the pay-to-win category, which is pretty much the death knell of any game that wants to be popular. However, it did have one feature that I really loved, and wished were a bit more fleshed out than it was in the release of the game.

A little background about Archeage first. In this game, nearly the entire economy is player driven. All the crafting, and all the crafting materials are gathered by players, and farming is a major way to gain resources. However, farm land is a finite resource, as there are only certain parts of the world where you may place a farm. However, to maintain your farm, you must pay taxes every week, so eventually, players will fail to pay their taxes, and that land will become free again (or so you hope). You may also buy land from other players, but the cost of land as the game goes on becomes pretty far out of reach for most people who don't have farms as a source of money!

If you don't have a farm, you may use public farms, which are limited in what you can plant there, or do what players term "illegal farming", which is to plant crops outside of farm land. The benefits of planting on farm land is that your crops are protected, and only you, or anyone you give permissions to, can harvest them (public farms only grant protection for 24 hours). If you plant crops illegally, anybody can harvest them - so most people try to hide them.

The interesting thing is, if someone does steal your crops, depending on their larceny skill (how good they are at stealing), they may leave footprints (the higher the skill, the less likely). Players can use those footprints to report the theft, and leave an eyewitness report if you happened to see what happened.

Once they get enough reports, they become wanted. They remain this way until they are killed, at which point they get sent to court to await trial. I'm not entirely sure how long the wait is, as I've never committed a crime in the game, but given the queue for jury duty is quite long, I can't imagine the wait is very great.

The actual trial is public, and anyone in the courtroom can speak in Trial chat. The judge is just an NPC and the verdict and sentence is left up to the five jurors for that case. However, Trial chat can be a bit messy, as multiple trials go one at once, which is a bit silly.

The jury has access to the last 100 reports for the defendant - along with the eyewitness reports, however, the length of them tends to get cutoff, which is also a bit silly.

Each juror anonymously gets to select their verdict. They can ask the defendant questions, to try and clarify things, however, there's a timer on how long they have to choose a verdict, to avoid people just griefing the legal system and never choosing anything.

Once each jury member has voted, a verdict is passed.

What I love most about this system, is that because you are judged by a jury of people from your faction, your reputation actually matters. I've seen a few trials where the jury has remembered the defendant helping them out with a quest, and they'll convince the other jury members that the defendant is a good person and shouldn't go to jail.

You can also get reported for assault and murder (attacking and killing players from your own faction), and there was a guild on my server who was notorious for faction-killing. So a lot of the time, in the eyewitness reports, you would see people say, "Killed Addiction" (the name of the faction killing guild), or "Stealing from Addiction", and the jury would let them walk.

I've also seen people offer bribe players into giving them an innocent verdict, only for the defendant to end up back on trial a few days later, and one of the jury members from the old trial said the defendant never paid the bribe. Unlike WoW, where GMs will investigate fraudulent trades, like someone running off with the crafting materials instead of crafting the item, Trion believes that a fool and their money are soon parted - if someone scams you out of your money in the game, then it's your own damn fault. It's up to the player community to punish them, via the legal system, and same-faction killing. Probably explains the "free-to-play" model of their game. They will, however, ban people who are using exploits in the game, like using scripts to automate parts of the game, or falsifying client data.

Oh, I forgot to add, if you are found guilty, you will acquire criminal points. If you get enough of those, you get booted out of your faction, and end up a pirate, where any player is allowed to kill you. There are many pirate guilds which roam the seas looking for weaker ships to raid for their cargo.

I really love this system, it's actually what drew me to the game in the first place. It's a pity the rest of the game isn't worth playing.

Desk Perception

Someone at work (Roger - not from my team) told me about an encounter he had with his manager's boss (Rory) earlier. On this particular day, a lot of the team was working from home, a fairly common occurrence around the Christmas period, as people have family over and children are home from school. The guy from work had been working all day, when he left to attend a meeting with his area manager (which is Rory's boss). The meeting was just him and the area manager, who wanted to check in on how things were doing. During the meeting he got a phone call, which he didn't answer, given the seriousness of the meeting that he was in.

Afterwards, he checked his phone to find it was a call from his manager's boss. He returned to his computer to find an email from him, "Where are you, you haven't been at your desk all day?!" He said he had been at his desk all day, except for that one meeting, only Rory wasn't even around to see him. So he confronted him and asked why he sent that email. Rory responded that it gave a bad impression when he wasn't at his desk. Roger said that he was at his desk the entire day, except when Rory's boss asked him to meet him. Rory said that their project manager came by and asked where everyone was, and it looked really bad that nobody was around.

The whole being seen at your desk thing seems common at other offices, based on what I've heard from my other friends. Some people have strategies like leaving a spare coat on your chair, or a spare pair of glasses on your desk to make it look like you haven't gone home. In some cultures, it looks really bad for you to arrive after your boss, and/or leave after your boss. So you're left to surf the Internet, while hoping your boss leaves before you have no choice but to get take-away for dinner as you won't have enough time for your commute home and to cook dinner.

This kind of work culture seems to achieve nothing but to burn people out. I'm sure at the start, you get more productivity out of your workers, but this kind of work is not sustainable. People need to rest and recharge. They might be working 10 or 12 hours, but I doubt they're doing productive work for 10 or 12 hours. I don't think the mind can stay focused for that long, it's too draining. If you try to push someone to continue, the quality of their work will go down, and they'll start to make mistakes, which will require even more work to fix.

I've heard the game industry is like this as well. You work crazy hours to meet a deadline and get your game shipped, only to get shifted to another game that is also way behind its deadline, and the cycle continues.

As I was listening to Roger's story, I felt horrified. In fact, he told me that a lot of people on his team are on the verge of quitting, two of them already have interviews lined up. So from the point of view of trying to get more productivity from his team, Rory's track record is looking pretty bad!

I've worked for Rory before, and he was almost never at his desk. In fact, I saw him at the cafe more often than I saw him at his desk. However, there's a developer on my team who shows up early and leaves late. He never hesitates to volunteer to help out on the weekend, and is happy to be on call. Whenever he asks if I'm willing to stay back late, or do some support work on the weekend or a public holiday, I'm 100% willing to do stuff. Whenever Rory asks, I say yes because of his position in the hierarchy, but I resent him for it. So I don't think I have an issue with being asked to work additional hours, but I feel like the person doing the asking should be willing to do the same himself.

That being said, Rory is always on top of his emails, and will answer his work phone even when he's on holiday overseas, but it's usually just to delegate something to someone, or demand to know why the team hasn't fixed something that broke one minute ago. He constantly cracks the whip, and is very stingy with money, so he never celebrates the team's achievements with a lunch or anything. I know it sounds like a first world problem, "I worked hard on this project, and my boss didn't reward me with a free lunch," but the thing is, people are being asked to go above and beyond, and make sacrifices in their life, and they don't even get acknowledged for it.

Is that kind of high-pressure work the norm? I don't know if I could work in those conditions for the rest of my life. Thankfully, as things currently are, we aren't under that much pressure.

Love and Sex and Magic

I find UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension - warning, link to TV tropes) absolutely fascinating. I don't know why, but watching two people that you know try to hold back their feelings for each other is so interesting to me. Obviously if I knew there was nothing stopping them from being together, I'd try and help them out, I'm not that cruel, but in the situations I've observed, there has always been some sort of obstacle in the way.

But contrived UST in TV shows just really annoys me, usually related to the crappy trope Can't Have Sex Ever. Note: spoilers for the following TV series ahead:

• Dark Angel
• Legend of the Seeker / Sword of Truth books (kinda)
• Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

HERE

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So, in Dark Angel, there is UST between Max and Logan for a very long time. A lot of it seems to be because Max is too interested in being a detached badass, because if I recall correctly, Logan falls for her pretty quickly, though he hides it, of course. Then there's also the fact that he's in a wheelchair, so he can't physically have sex with her anyway. Eventually, they do fall for each other, and Logan's paralysis is cured, only for Max to be infected with a very specific virus that will cause Logan to die if they ever touch each other. There is one episode where Max finds a temporary cure for the virus, which would mean they can finally have sex, but too many other things happen in the episode, and their window of opportunity closes.

In Legend of the Seeker, Kahlan is a Confessor, which means she has the power to "confess" someone, which would make them entirely devoted to her and do whatever she wants them to do. Which sounds awesome except for the part where she can't have sex with someone, because during that moment of ecstasy, she'll lose control of her powers, and confess her partner, which would turn him into a mindless slave. For a majority of the series, Richard is in love with her, and she with him, but they can never be together because Richard has an important role to play in the ongoing war, and if she confesses him, life as they know it will be doomed.

Then in Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Angel is a vampire with a soul, which means despite being a vampire, he is a good guy, and doesn't want to just go around killing people and sucking their blood. However, the curse that gave him the soul has a catch to it - if he ever experiences a moment of perfect happiness, he will lose his soul and go back to being Angelus, the bad guy vampire he was for many years before being cursed by gypsies. Buffy, who is a vampire slayer, obviously falls for the good guy vampire (good job there, buddy) and he falls for her. They know they shouldn't be together, and Giles looks condescendingly on their relationship, but they do it anyway. Not knowing about the curse, they both have sex, only for Angel to wake up and be evil, and do a lot of bad things. Buffy ends up killing him, but he comes back, only he has his soul again, and now they can never be together ever again in case he goes back to being evil.

What really annoys me with this trope is that it equates love to sex. A lot of the time, the characters bemoan that they can't love each other, when what they really mean is that they can't have sex with each other. For me, love involves things like being happy when the other person is around. Being willing to do things or sacrifice things because the other person needs you to. Caring about them, and what happens to them. I feel that way about my family, but I definitely don't want to sleep with any of them! I feel that way about some of my friends, and again, don't need to have sex with them for me to feel that way.

I understand that for most monogamous relationships, sex is tied in, because you tend to only have sex with your significant other, but I personally have the view that you can love someone even if they need to get their needs fulfilled elsewhere. And again to the topic of cancer, if I had breast cancer, and had to get them both removed, and maybe I started to get plague sores and would look really ugly, I would hope that MrMan5.5 could still love me and want to be with me, despite the fact that the sight of me would possibly be a horrible boner killer. I would if the situation were reversed. Well, I can easily say that now because it hasn't happened, but I would like to think that I would.

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But back to regular UST, I wonder if the people who are experiencing it know about it. I think it's really hard to tell if someone has feelings for you, because you're too close to the situation. It's a lot easier for an outside party to pick up on the signs. So if they don't know about it, should I tell them? A part of me doesn't want to, because then I miss out on my live action soap opera, and then there's the fact that the UST is part of the fun. I just really like that nervous feeling you get when you're around someone that you like, but they don't know about it. Plus, I am trying harder to stay out of other people's business!

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If you are curious about what happens in those three shows: Max and Logan's relationship dies to the show being cancelled. Richard and Kahlan get together, and they realise her powers don't work on him because he's already in love with her. Angel leaves Buffy and Sunnydale behind and moves to Los Angeles.

Go For the Eyes, Boo

I read this article (NY Times click bait article, but they do link to the actual study which I was too lazy to read) where they talk about an experiment that was able to make two people fall in love.

A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.

I have really struggled to maintain eye contact with people for a long time now. We had a workshop on public speaking at work, and part of that involved trying to maintain eye contact with someone else for as long as you could. I was fairly good friends with the person I was partnered with, and I lasted about 3 seconds. It's just so difficult.

The biggest reason for me is that I feel really vulnerable, like the person looking at me can tell what I'm thinking. In high school and most of university, the biggest hint that I was interested in someone is that whenever they were around, I'd find the floor incredibly fascinating. Oh, and lying. I've gotten a bit better at it now, but it used to be the case that I just couldn't lie to someone while looking at their eyes. It's like eyes are super truth lasers or something like that. (As a side note, because I feel like this is going to come up, if I tell you something and I'm not looking at your face, that doesn't mean I am lying!)

Looking at someone in the eyes while telling them something seems to carry a feeling of honesty with it. It opens yourself up to scrutiny, and you're also not as easily able to hide those micro-expressions that betray your true meaning.

Back to the article, I can see how something like that would develop intimacy with someone quite quickly. I find that when someone shares something quite intimate with me, I immediately feel closer to them, and am comfortable sharing in return. Maybe it's the idea of mutually assured destruction - you reveal my secret, and I'll reveal yours?

I don't know if this kind of thing would work unless the other person was already somewhat attracted to you. I can already think of a couple of times when someone has said something intimate to someone else, and the recipient did not appreciate it at all. It all comes back to the hot vs creepy thing. A hot guy tells you that he thinks about you while sleeping, and you picture yourselves falling in love.

Or maybe you picture yourselves doing some non-PG rated things, but my MS Paint skills aren't really that great.

Unattractive guy tells you that he thinks about you while sleeping, and you start to get worried.

OK, perhaps a bit extreme, but there definitely has to be some level of pre-existing attraction or intimacy before you go baring your soul. If you went around staring at people and asking them probing questions, I doubt they'd respond very well.

What I take from this article is that if you do want to build intimacy quickly with someone, you have to be willing to put yourself into a position of vulnerability, but it's also important to listen to other people's answers, and give them the feeling that they can also tell you everything. I imagine if the questions went something like this:

Candidate 1: What is something that you've done that you've never told anybody about?
Candidate 2: Well, there was the time when I was at home alone with my sister. I knew that our parents were going to be out for another two hours at least, so the coast was clear. I waited until she got into the shower, and I crept downstairs quietly, and baked a batch of choc-chip mint cookies.
Candidate 1: WHAT?! You like mint?! That's just disgusting. 

there wouldn't be much intimacy at all.

Going Down

I'm sorry, this one is a bit morbid, so feel free to skip this one, and we should be back to happier topics tomorrow!

In light of all the missing planes and crashes that have been reported lately, I am feeling really worried about getting on a plane. People keep telling me, "It's really only a small chance that you will be in a crash, and you're more likely to get hit by a car", but I'm sure the people who were on those flights were told the same thing, and look what happened to them. The part that gets to me the lack of control. If I were on a plane that was having issues, my fate would rest in the hands of the pilot, and I guess previously, in the hands of the engineers who checked over the planes. And considering how much companies like to cut costs where possible, how do I know that the engineer wasn't thinking about how he had been denied a raise yet again, and he has three children who have crazy extra-curriculars that cost so much money? And he hasn't had a decent holiday in years.

Even in a potential car accident, I have some degree of control on the outcome.

A couple of months ago, I was nearly hit by a car. It was a T-intersection, and I wanted to turn right, so I checked right, then I checked left, then I checked right again. I must have pre-maturely moved my foot to the accelerator though, because when I checked right the second time, and saw a car coming, I went to press the brakes, but I hit the accelerator instead, so I lurched into the intersection. I actually did manage to hit the brakes after that, so now I was stopped in the intersection, with a car coming towards me, and I was frozen trying to decide whether to try and reverse out, or keep going forward. I chose to go forward, and luckily, there were no other cars there, and so I narrowly missed being hit by the car on my right, who honked at me a lot - with good reason. They say your life is meant to flash before your eyes, but all I felt was fear.

Another morbid thought I have quite often is the thought that maybe the side of my building at work will collapse. I start to wonder if I'll manage to get out an SMS to MrMan5.5 telling him that I love him before hitting the ground. I don't think I could. Or should I try and act like a falling cat with a 90% chance of survival? Unfortunately, I'm not important enough to work on the 32nd floor of my building.

Someone at work told me that I should take flying lessons, so that I get a better understanding of how planes work, and will know what kind of options pilots have in the case of an emergency. I've thought about it, but won't repeated trips in a plane increase my chances of dying in a horrible plane crash?

I used to not care all that much about dying, but now I feel like I have a lot to live for. I have so many people who I feel grateful to share my life with, and I think I don't tell them often enough how much I care. I am going to try and do that more often. So at least if my plane does crash and burn, at least I will die knowing that the people I care for know about it. Plus, according to an article on happiness that I read, it's supposed to make you feel more fulfilled when you let other people know what they mean to you. I also think that I will start to appreciate the things that I have a lot more, and not get bogged down by all the things that I feel I need to do, or the fact that I still haven't found my raison d'être.

(Have you noticed that I'm only 14 posts in and I already feel like I'm running out of things to talk about? This is going to be a tough challenge!)

Mars to Venus Phone Bill

I've been tossing up the idea of the dating app around for a bit, and asking if people would be willing to help me test it out by going on fake dates. For some of my male friends, as soon as the question left my mouth, I realised that I had no idea whether they were single or not. Not that they needed to be single to test my app, but it just occurred to me that I had never asked, and they had never told. Some of these people I had known for nearly ten years (I know that because WoW recently turned 10).

Which is completely jarring compared to my experience with the PGC (which I'm going to rename the WFWC - Women From Work Club). I've only been part of this group for a very short time, and I already know their relationship status - married, in a relationship, single, single, married). I know details about their partners, or prospective partners. I know about their aspirations, their favourite foods, the people they are annoyed by at work.

One of my friends (Joel), who I've known since uni, confessed to me that he considers me one of his best friends. We get along really well, and have no problems talking to each other about anything - or so I thought. His wife is a member of the WFWC, and the last time the bunch of us caught up, it was revealed that they were in the process of trying for children.

Joel has never brought that up at all. In fact, we were talking about houses today, and I mentioned how I hate accumulating stuff, as it makes it harder to move. He replied that he agreed, and he's really been trying to cut down the amount of things they have. I asked if they were planning to move to a new house in order to have more rooms, completely expecting him to mention that they were planning to have kids. Nope, he didn't say a thing.

I guess it's just another difference between men and women. Thinking about it, it's quite rare for me to talk to my male friends about relationships. Often our talk is very task-oriented: patch notes for Dota, or how to cook sushi. Talking with my female friends seems to revolve more are relationships, and not just romantic relationships, any kind of relationships. I wonder if that's just they way that people tend to be socially programmed. I wonder if more of them would like to talk about it, but feel like they can't.

In another random encounter, another one of my friends revealed to me something incredibly personal. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. We rarely ever talked about anything other than the common activity that we do together, and here he was, sounding like he was about to cry as he described what happened. Of course, I talked through it with him, and I think I helped, but I actually felt honoured that he decided to share it with me (is that wrong, feeling good about something bad that happened to him?). So of course I had to go and share it with the rest of the Internet, because isn't that what you do these days?

It's moments like this where I start to think maybe this is what I was made to do. I attended a men's health seminar as part of something at work, and the guy who ran it said that men will often ignore mental health issues, because they don't believe they're real issues. So they'll suffer in silence until it ends up being a serious issue, and will require drastic treatment. Or they end up hurting the people around them and become confused as to why everyone is leaving them, at which point there will be nobody around to tell them that they need to get help, and they continue like that until they die. It's really sad, because there are so many resources out there to help them, but they can't bring themselves to ask for help. Movember is meant to be about men's mental health, among other things, but I think all that people remember about it is that for a month, a bunch of men start growing dodgy looking moustaches.

As insensitive as this sounds, I am curious about what made him decide to confide in me. Was he going to confide in someone anyway, and I just happened to get caught in the blast? If I could work that out, maybe I could work out how to get people to ask for help when they need it, rather than when it's too late to do anything.

Attractiveness Theory

Another one from the Ariely book. Thought experiment: Imagine that you are in a room that contains 200 people of various genders, races, etc. Everyone has a number on their head from 1 to 10, including you. You can't see your number, nor can anybody tell you your number, however, you can see everyone else's number. The goal of the game is to find a partner with the highest number that you possibly can, who is also willing to be your partner.

Obviously, everyone at the start of the game will flock to the people with 10s on their head, and they will be able to work out pretty quickly that they're the 10s.

Conversely, if people are always running from you, chances are you are a 1 or 2.

For the people in between, it's hard to judge what number you are exactly, as will get mixed responses from people who aren't sure what their number is either.

What the experiment is trying to illustrate is how various people are attracted to each other (Wikipedia article here). It's not just to do with physical attractiveness (although in this experiment, it kinda makes you think so), as someone who is a "10" in appearance may have a rotten personality, and only end up a "5" overall. Adding to the complexity is that different people find different things attractive - so you may be a "7" to one person, but a "3" to another.

I think people start to guess what number they are from when they're children. Especially because a lot of children don't yet understand social niceties, and so they are a lot more brutal about who they do and don't want to spend time with. I remember in primary school, each class would have to line up in the yard in two columns before we could go back to class. For some reason, nobody liked Jessica, and so one day, we were lining up in our columns, but nobody wanted to stand next to her. So whoever was next to her would run to the back of the line to avoid her, causing someone else to have to stand next to her. Thinking about it now, we must have looked pretty funny to everyone else, as we were running around in circles. I remember doing at least 3 laps of the line before deciding it was silly and standing next to Jessica (or it might have been because I was hopelessly unfit). Our entire class got told off in front of the whole school, which my brother and cousin also attended, so that was really embarrassing. I wonder if the experience scarred her, and she still thinks she's horrendous to this day.

I've been thinking about the concept of early-life versus late-life attractiveness. If you think back to high school, who were the most attractive people? Looking at the movie Mean Girls, you have the Plastics, who are the most physically attractive (and in some cases, rich) girls in the school. You have the jocks, though I don't think is a thing here, at least it wasn't at my non-sports focused public school - I took home a heap of swimming awards, but that didn't help me at all! None of the other cliques in the movie were portrayed as particularly attractive.

If you think about it, when you're a teen, the most successful people you'll be exposed to are music/movie stars and sports stars. So it makes sense for physical attractiveness and sports ability to be features that you look for in a partner. As you get older, reality hits, and those stars are suddenly so far away. Your idea of success becomes being able to make it to the end of the month without worrying about how you're going to pay the rent. You meet entrepreneurs, managers, stock brokers. Someone with a stable job suddenly becomes incredibly attractive.

Sometimes people luck out, and early in life, they are blessed with a pretty face, and the aptitude for a well-paying job later in life. Sometimes people get no hand-outs, and have a horrible experience as a teen, and end up being a bum later in life. I like to think that most people will end up with either stronger early-life traits and weak late-life traits, or vice versa. Having only early-life traits doesn't mean you're doomed to living off Centrelink for the rest of your life. Attractive people will still find people who will be interested in them. I just think it means you'll need something more than just your looks to get by. Some of the things that you could get away with as a teen won't work on people later in life.

So if you think you may be a 1 or a 2, not all hope is lost. Perhaps you will find that you are more attractive later in life.

Annalie

Old Man at the Two Windmills: Still, true love does exist.
Suzanne, Owner Two Windmills bar: I know. After 30 years behind a bar, I'm an expert. I'll even give you the recipe. Take two regulars, mix them together and let them stew. It never fails.
-Amélie

A little context behind the above quote, if you haven't seen Amélie: In the movie, Amélie overhears Suzanne telling the old man how to create love. Then she tells one of her co-workers that one of the regular customers often sits in a particular spot which gives him a good view of her, and it might be possible that he has feelings for her. Then she tells that customer that her co-worker often looks in his direction, and it might be possible that she has feelings for him. This causes them both to start glancing at the other, and looking away at the last moment, and reinforces what Amélie told each of them. They start to look coyly at each other, and eventually go into the bathroom to have sex. This is despite the fact that before Amélie's interference, neither had feelings for the other!

It started as an offhand, but became a bit of a running gag that there was something romantic between Grad Daniel and Agent K. Intern Daniel and I joked about setting them up, and leaving the two of them alone at lunch so they could talk privately, but they both just laughed it off and told us to stop being silly.

 I was hoping for a bit of an Amélie moment, but no luck. The two of them never really talked to each other all that much. We usually eat lunch together, but it'll often be me and Agent K talking about Tinder, travel or weddings, or me and Grad Daniel talking about the developments in the tech world, or Japanese culture. To be honest, both of their interests are quite different, so it does seem a bit ridiculous for them to go out. I think the only thing they have in common is that they work for the same company.

Over the Christmas break, Agent K and I talked about it, and decided that Grad Daniel isn't really her type anyway, so I said I'd stop making jokes about it. I told Grad Daniel the same thing. Then the strangest thing happened, the two of them had some weird secret joke at lunch that I missed because I was talking to someone else. They both couldn't stop laughing, but they wouldn't explain what it was, but they kept sharing a look, and then laughing again. I think this is the first time I've seen them interact with each other that wasn't through a conversation with another person.

It made me think, what if there's another important ingredient: the challenge. As the saying goes, "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen". I thought I'd written a post on the matching hypothesis, but it seems that it's still in draft mode, so that'll have to be for tomorrow! Anyway, if someone is attracted to you, then it means you cannot be the most unattractive person in the world - you are at worst the second most unattractive. It explains why people who are already in a relationship just seem more attractive, because you know that someone out there finds them attractive. Plus, in the case of heterosexual relationships, you can compare yourself to their partner, and that would give you some idea of how attractive they are. If their partner is a friendly supermodel and multiple-Nobel prize winning researcher, then it's likely that her partner is pretty damn attractive. But even on a lower level, it's easier to compare like for like - e.g. she's skinny/fat, tall/short, vs. whatever you are. Comparing male vs female is harder, as the things people find attractive in males aren't always the same in females.

Then you add in the Dunning-Kruger effect, where most people tend to overestimate their own skill, and you will find that this will combine to make people believe they can do better. If you rate someone as a 6, and you believe that they're infatuated with you, then you might come to believe that you are an 8, which means you should be dating other 8s. You've conquered 6s, and it's time to move forward.

So perhaps both Intern Daniel and Agent K thought the entire reason I started joking about the two of them dating each other was because the other one had confided in me and I was trying to be helpful (not an unusual conclusion, given my past history). Then they did an assessment of the situation and decided that it wasn't really in their best interest to date each other. They now had some idea of what their attractiveness level was, or at least a baseline, and could use that information to look ahead at what might be possible.

Then I stopped trying to set them up, and doubt started to creep in. "If Agent K isn't attracted to me, then maybe I'm not really an 8." All the things they had built up based on the information that their baseline attractiveness was a certain point would have come crashing down.

I wonder if they are trying to re-establish that attraction in order to confirm in their minds that their self-assessment was correct. I'm sure they're not consciously doing that, as that is a pretty cold and heartless thing to do, but I mean the usual response to losing something is trying to get it back. Which is not to say that they ever had each other, but they did lose the illusion that the other person is attracted to them.

Though to be honest, I really do hope they don't date each other, as they really don't have anything in common. However, it's not something I want to get involved in, as it's always the case when someone telling you that you shouldn't be with someone just makes you extra resolved to be with that person. And it's really none of my business anyway, if they make each other happy, then so be it. I really need to stop getting involved in other people's lives without being asked to.

The Waiting Room

You're sitting in a waiting room, anxiously preparing for a job interview. You're feeling pretty tired, because once again, your mother and your sister were yelling at each other last night about how your sister came home past 3AM again, and your mum is pretty sure that the guy who drove her home is way too drunk to be driving, and plus, he is also a deadbeat who will never amount to anything in life. Your sister is convinced she loves him.

You were told to arrive at 10AM, and you look at your watch which now reads 10:05. All the meeting rooms are shut, but you can hear some laughing coming out of the one nearest to you. That candidate must be doing really well. The door to reception opens, and in steps someone who looks to have at least ten years on you. She is far better dressed as well. She introduces herself to the receptionist and says she's here for her interview at 11. "Damn, why didn't I think to get here an hour early, that's a sure sign that I'm interested in the job?" you ask yourself. The reception tells her to wait in the waiting room, and an interviewer will call her when they're ready. You quickly grab your phone out of your pocket and pretend to be engrossed in something, hoping she doesn't sit next to you. No luck.

"Hi, I'm Sarah," she says, as she holds her hand out for a handshake. "Did you apply for the junior atom rearrangement job, too?"

You try to subtly wipe your hand on your pants before reaching out to shake hers, and nod as you introduce yourself.

"How awesome does it sound? I worked as a chemist for fifteen years, but I feel like it's time for a change in career, and I've been interested in atom rearrangement for a while now. Though you look like you're fresh out of university, nice young blood!" She laughs. You nod again. "Where did you study?"

You name drop your university, as well as the course you studied. Then there's silence. All you can think about is how you, a fresh graduate with no experience, have to compete with this woman. In at attempt to fill the void, you ask her how she got into atom re-arrangement.

"Well, its a bit of an accident. I met a guy on the Internet, and we went on our first date. It was terrible, we had nothing to talk about, the food was bad, and he kept checking the time throughout the entire date. Just as I finished dessert, he signaled for the bill, and we worked out how much we each owed. He apologised for having to cut the date short, but it turns out that there was a talk at the local university that he wanted to go to. I don't know why, but I decided that I'd go with him to this talk.

"As you can probably guess, the talk was A Primer on Atom Rearrangement, by Dr Mint, and it completely blew my mind away. I completely forgot about my date, and went to speak to the lecturer afterwards. I've been engrossed ever since."

You smile to yourself, finally you two have something in common! You talk about how you were also at the same talk, and it had the same effect on you. In fact, it was what caused you to change your major. Suddenly enraptured, you start talking about how you flew over to a different state because the leading expert on atom rearrangement was going to be giving a seminar there. You start to go into detail about his new discoveries, and what it might mean for the future of atom rearrangement.

Suddenly, Sarah gets up and says, "Sorry, I have to go to the toilet. I'll be right back." You're still basking in the memory of that seminar when the interview room door opens, and someone calls you in. Your nervousness returns as you panic and try to remember all the things you had researched about this company. I'd really like to work here because.... because..... because....

You walk into the room, and it just has a table with speakers on it. The door on the opposite end opens, and Sarah steps out. "Hi. Our lab is down this way. I want you to come and meet the team. We'd love to have you join us."

---------------------------

I've been thinking about the idea of a waiting room interview for a while. One issue that interviews have is that they feel very regimented. The candidate is often quite nervous, and while a good interviewer will try their best to make them feel at ease, there is always the fact that it's an interview hanging over everyone's heads. My thought was that if the person being interviewed didn't know they were being interviewed, it might be easier to get a better sense of the real person underneath.

The idea came after reading various stories about how people will behave really well towards their date, but treat the wait staff, or cleaning staff terribly. I know I behave differently when I think nobody is looking. I actually try to get my feet into first position a lot, because my skating coach said it's really good practice for balance shifting. Or I do some of the standing yoga positions. I feel really stupid doing it though, which is why it's usually reserved for when I'm at home and nobody is looking.

There are a few issues with the waiting room interview technique. For starters, it feels really dishonest. This person isn't being given a chance to show their "best self", because they don't know that they're on stage. I feel this point has the most merit, as people often have a professional persona that they bring to the workplace. Some cultures, like the one I have on my current team, are quite relaxed, and people are free to joke around and act casual towards each other, but I can say for sure that each person on my team can put on the professional mask when it's asked of them. On the other hand, the benefit of finding out what someone is like underneath the mask helps you determine whether they'd be a good fit for the team. If the team likes telling politically incorrect jokes, and you feel you may be uncomfortable in that environment, maybe it's not for you.

There's more to being good at your job than just doing your job. No man is an island, and I think most jobs these days will require you work with others. I believe that getting along well with your team goes hand-in-hand with doing your job well. Though there needs to be a balance - getting along well with everyone but getting nothing done is bad, and having everyone hate you, despite how well you do your job is also bad.

Another issue with the waiting room interview is that once word gets out that that's what you're doing, everyone will be on their best behaviour as soon as they leave their home to go to the interview. Oh, random person on the train, could be a possible plant, better strike up a conversation with them about how passionate I am about working for this company! Person waiting in the lift, better quickly tell them about this article I read last week that I find fascinating! It's probably hilarious for passersby to watch, but what I mean is that your window for surprising someone with an impromptu interview will get smaller and smaller. Everyone in the waiting room will suddenly be best friends, which I've already experienced during the grad process.

I'm still on the quest to find a better interview technique, as this one needs more refinement.